#393 After Dark: Bulimia and Depression

ADULT TOPIC WARNING

My anonymous 19 year old guest has bulimia, and depression. She also has type 1 diabetes.

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:10
Hello friends, and welcome to Episode 393 of the Juicebox Podcast. Today's episode is another in the after dark series which by the way turns one year old this month. First afterdark episode came out in October of 2019 was about drinking with Type One Diabetes. It was followed by smoking weed, trauma and addiction, sex from a female perspective, depression and self harm sex from a male perspective, being a parent in a divorce situation and co parenting, and we talked about bipolar disorder. And in this episode, we're going to tackle billiat and depression with a 19 year old type one who was really kind and open about coming on the show. We do take her name out. So there's gonna be little lapses and audio, where a name was said just out of an abundance of caution for her privacy. Please remember while you're listening that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise. Please always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming Bold With Insulin.

This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by the Contour Next One blood glucose meter. Check it out at Contour Next one.com Ford slash juice box. We're also sponsored today by touched by type one touched by type one.org. Or find them on Facebook or Instagram. Before we get started, I want to remind you that this episode of the podcast is a frank discussion about bulimia, which includes purging. There's also some talk about depression and other sensitive topics.

Anonymous Speaker 1:59
My name is I live in an area and I was diagnosed with diabetes in January of 2018. And I am currently 19 years old.

Scott Benner 2:09
So type one in January of 2019 2018 2018 2019 2020. Like two and a half years.

Anonymous Speaker 2:18
Yeah, just about were you

Scott Benner 2:21
17 yet Are you still 16 when you're diagnosed?

Anonymous Speaker 2:24
I was 17 as

Scott Benner 2:28
a senior in high school.

Anonymous Speaker 2:31
I was a junior in high school

Scott Benner 2:33
the junior. Gotcha. Alright. junior in high school diagnosed in area. Any other diabetes in your family? Or was it a complete surprise?

Anonymous Speaker 2:45
No, it was a complete surprise.

Scott Benner 2:47
Nobody at all. Nothing. How about any weird like? hypothyroidism, celiac? any of that stuff rolling around in the family? Yeah, number nine. I know. You don't go around asking everybody.

Anonymous Speaker 3:00
No, it's not a popular topic during family dinner.

Scott Benner 3:03
Yeah, Jane, I see you in the bathroom a lot after dinner. What could that be? Yeah. What is that celiac 90 chance. Okay, so Okay, so pretty, pretty much an anomaly in your family. What are the first steps your How are you diagnosed?

Anonymous Speaker 3:18
I had a blood test for for my other treatment, which I guess we'll get into soon. And, um, and it showed that my glucose was elevated. So we just did another one. And they told me during finals week that I had to go into the hospital to get checked out. So, um, so there I was diagnosed. Um, and

yeah, so it wasn't,

Scott Benner 3:50
it wasn't. You know, I was getting a blood test for something else that I'm gonna tell you about in a second Scott. And they found that my glucose was elevated.

Anonymous Speaker 3:59
Yeah, I just it was very convenient. You know, it was it wasn't very high. I think it was maybe 8.1. But, yeah, I just, I didn't want to stay overnight. I just had to, you know, come back to the hospital for a few days just to get training. And that was pretty much it.

Scott Benner 4:16
I understand. So if this was like a bad cheesy 80s morning radio show, there'd be like a snoring sound effect right now, while you were telling your story, just.

Anonymous Speaker 4:25
Yeah, it wasn't exciting. I'm sorry. No, no, I

Scott Benner 4:27
mean, I'm happy didn't make something up. I was skiing Scott, Mount Kilimanjaro. I didn't know if you knew you could actually skip that high. But you can and yeah, nothing like that. Okay, so listen, that's great. You didn't go through a lot of the medical issues that you could have gone into you didn't end up in DK. None of that happened, right?

Anonymous Speaker 4:46
No, no. Right.

Scott Benner 4:47
Excellent. Okay, so where are you going to get a blood test for?

Anonymous Speaker 4:52
Okay, so, I was currently in treatment for my eating disorder. I was diagnosed with leukemia, about Few months prior, um, so I was currently in outpatient, and I had to be getting routine blood tests and, and it was my doctor there who discovered it. Okay,

Unknown Speaker 5:16
the babies.

Scott Benner 5:17
So believe me now we're going to talk about something that I don't know anything about. And I want to learn more about At what age do you think it's began? And is that even the right way to talk about it began? Like, how do you see Believe me at first Do you see it as a? Is it a disease? Is it a? Is it a psychological disorder? Is it like how do you talk about it in your life?

Anonymous Speaker 5:42
Okay, so the bulimia, the actual diagnosis didn't actually happen until really a few months before my diabetes diagnosis without getting too soon. But, um, the whole eating disorder began when I was much younger, probably around 14. And, you know, it began as just a thought process and then became something more, you know, first started off with, with restricting, and then later on, it escalated to a full blown eating disorder, and it ended up being glia. So the way I look at it is, yeah, I guess, sorter

Scott Benner 6:22
No, no, it's, so what happens when you're 14 is they're, like, suddenly in a pressure for how you look? Or what yeah, I think starts it.

Anonymous Speaker 6:35
So everyone has a different

way to develop it. Um, lots of times, there's a certain trauma, and this is a coping mechanism. Um, and you know, everyone's trauma is different. So, um, so for me, personally, it was just different life events that was happening at the time, and it felt just, you know, a classic way just to take control, and make myself feel better. So,

you know, I felt that if I was thin, then all

my problems would go away.

Scott Benner 7:06
Let me ask you a question there. A trauma. So I'm not asking for your specifically if you of course, don't want to share it. But could it be anything from like, like a parent getting divorced, or an A, like, like, an assault, like up to like an assault or anything like that last something that takes you out of control? And then the blumea is a way to find control? Is that the idea?

Anonymous Speaker 7:32
Yeah, that's a perfect way to put it. It's any sort of event that no matter how objectively big or small that makes you feel, that you're not in control? And this is something that you could take control of. Gotcha. Okay.

Scott Benner 7:44
Well, I guess that's it. This is gonna sound strange, maybe? Or maybe it won't, but does it work? Does it give you a feeling of control? And does it alleviate the pain coming from the trauma?

Anonymous Speaker 7:56
So at first, um, and at first it does, and, but it quickly spirals, you know, because then soon, the disorder takes over? what you thought you had control, and it becomes controlling you. So. So it might be at first there is this first sense of relief, but it doesn't last?

Scott Benner 8:23
How does it end up taking control of you?

Anonymous Speaker 8:28
Um, it becomes

it takes over every aspect of your life, um, that.

Scott Benner 8:41
Take your time. It's okay. There's no pressure here.

Anonymous Speaker 8:44
Yeah, I just want to find a good way to phrase it.

Well, for me, personally, since I was struggling with a disorder and a type one diabetes diagnosis, it was almost like a cruel joke. How, on one hand, I was in sort of recovery, where I was told not to consciously think about what I ate, and that's constantly thinking about it. Because up until that point, for years, at that point, it was the one thing on my mind, you know, whenever, whenever an event happened, I would my mind would Amelie go to Oh, it's because you're not thin enough. Whenever, you know, I feel like I need control. It was okay, you got to do this habit, you know. But on the other hand, I was a newly diagnosed diabetic and I had to figure out how to you know, at the time I was in carb ratios and figuring out the best time to eat and like how to eat properly with insulin and having eat when I didn't want to because of a low blood sugar or not being a wrinkled, I couldn't eat because of a high blood sugar. So is this really cruel duality of you know, trying to recover from an eating disorder and trying to

Unknown Speaker 9:48
become a good diabetic?

Scott Benner 9:50
Let's make sure I understand. So part of the recovery from the eating disorder is not scheduling and being really specific Think about your food intake and your apps. And so you're going through that process for a number of years. And so you were, you feel like it started around 14. So that means you lived with it for a number of years before it was recognized, and then you start doing work on it. But let me ask you real quickly, how was it recognized? How did you end up in treatment for it?

Anonymous Speaker 10:23
So, okay, so eating disorders are bright hidden, and, and it was doing a good job of hiding it. And it was the summer when I was about 15 or 16. Where I was a lifeguard. And this is where the thinking story is. So don't worry, there is some excitement. But as I was guarding, I think did and the doctor of the camp, I guess, pulled me aside that one Look, I mean, he and he told me you're not eating enough. And that was the first time someone you know, said something face on. And so obviously, I was caught off guard. And

Scott Benner 11:12
so he you fainted, and an adult came up to you and please, I don't know which microphone I'm using to talk right into it. Because sometimes your face is moving away from the microphone, but don't get just be a little cognizant of it. So. So you fainted while you were lifeguarding and adult came up to you and said you need to eat more. Do you feel like that that was based on your physical appearance that he said that he or she said that?

Anonymous Speaker 11:36
Yeah, I believe so. I don't think I look particularly bad. emaciated. I never got to that point. But um, he must have been in the field, you know?

And maybe saw some other signs on Oh, yeah.

Scott Benner 11:57
Well, let's, maybe this is, by the way, so interesting. Because now I'm talking to somebody from my part of the country, and you talk faster than I do. So.

Anonymous Speaker 12:09
I'll try so don't worry. I also

Unknown Speaker 12:10
um, it's, by the way, I'm sorry.

Scott Benner 12:14
And and so why do I have this? Oh, because the thing Nevermind. Um, so, okay, you're talking very quickly, I'm keeping up I'm gonna slow you down a little bit because other people might not be or your pot, your episodes only going to be 45 minutes long, by the way. won't be any the actual like air pauses that everybody got. It's, it's, um, it's nice to talk to somebody from around here. So I can, yeah, I can. We can like hammer through all this. But I want to make sure that we stop and dissect it enough so that it's making sense to people who don't understand. So I think First things first, let's let's define bulimia for a second. So what's the What is it? And how like, how what is it moment to moment, if I have bulimia, what am I doing?

Anonymous Speaker 13:02
So the clinical diagnosis would be

purging I think more than more than three times a week for three months at a time. I'm not sure exactly. But that's the clinical diagnosis. But what that actually is, the life is a horror story. It's every moment um, food and body image is on your mind. And every time you eat, at least for me personally, it was it was like a need to get rid of it. And and a guilt you know, the guilt for being alive because you have to eat to be alive and and every moment just feeling like a weight and having to get nice and neat to get rid of that weight.

Scott Benner 13:43
Okay, so you can you can imagine in your mind that this food is going to go into you and make you fat. And you have to get it out. And on top of that you feel badly for needing to eat to begin with. Hmm, wow. So I looked it up here it says a serious eating disorder marked by bingeing followed by methods to avoid weight gain, believe me is potentially life threatening eating disorder. People with this condition bingi then they take steps to avoid weight gain. Most commonly This means vomiting or purging. But it can also mean excessive exercising or fasting treatments, including counseling medications and nutritional education. So were you just purging Is that how you were handling it?

Anonymous Speaker 14:25
Yeah, so I didn't. Um, I didn't have a textbook pinches. I definitely have overheating issues. But um, but that generally would be the cycle of eating to a point of like, uncomfortableness and then need to purge it. But also, it was just food in general, you know, but definitely overeating is a huge part of it.

Scott Benner 14:48
What's the onus for the overeating is it so that you don't feel well so that it feels like it should come out? Or is it because you know it's coming out so you could just eat whatever you want?

Anonymous Speaker 15:00
more towards the second, it's, um, because every time I would allow myself to eat something that quote unquote, was a bad food, I would think this is the last time you could do this. So I would just eat as much as I can and then yeah, get rid of it.

Scott Benner 15:16
It's that that thing people know, when they, when they're thinking to start a diet, they have that same idea, like, I'm going to start a diet on Monday, so this weekend, or do your food like that, that so that's sort of an idea. Gotcha. Do you during that, did you enjoy eating the food? Um,

Anonymous Speaker 15:47
no, because it's

it doesn't feel like your main, you know, you're you're eating as a compulsion, not for enjoyment.

Scott Benner 16:00
Okay, and, and there's not even a feeling of like, oh, gummy bears. I love gummy bears. It's not even that you don't get that out of anything, either. Not at all. No, it's interesting, because then there's then the connection between the overeating and the eating things that are quote unquote bad for you. Is all psychological. It's nothing to do with the food at all. Really? It's that idea? Wow. Cheese. Okay, that's pretty up. So let's see. Give me a second. I gotta wrap my head. This podcast is taking me in places I didn't expect just so you all know. And I guess because I curse this just became an after dark episode. So congratulations. I made it. Okay. All right. So there's a compulsion to eat. Eating happens, the purging happens? Because I'm interested, how long do we let the food stay in? Before we send it back out? Again?

Anonymous Speaker 16:57
20 minutes is prime. And a guess a depends on at which point recovery I was because, um, you know, it would my mindset would be just make another 10 minute just make it another 10 minutes to not do it. Um, but yeah,

Scott Benner 17:16
20 is about as far as you can make it are there. You know, we always talk about support online for things, thinking about it helping people but is there something like how do you learn how to be bulimic? Do you? Can you go online and find out how to do something that's not good for you, too? I mean, I guess you can, right?

Anonymous Speaker 17:33
Yeah, I didn't, actually, so

Scott Benner 17:37
are you? Are you showing off? Yeah.

Anonymous Speaker 17:43
I'm good, talented. It was, um, it was fine. After I really developed it did I go into all the forums and just like, kind of compare myself to see how, you know how each of us do it ourselves. But, um, I mean, I knew from from media, you know, from all the movies to watch all the books you read, like, what it is and how to do it, but I didn't need to look up tips or step by step manual, you know,

Scott Benner 18:10
but but that exists. So what what I'm wondering is, is when where there are those places online? It's not self loving self loathing completely right. Is there a little bit of like, like, peacocking? Like, I'm really good at this, or is there any of that that goes on?

Anonymous Speaker 18:25
For sure. There is, um, pro Ana, like pro anorexia, there's just pages and pages of, of

people who are hurting possibly supporting each other

of how to be a good anorexic or a good bulimic. And so it's very sick because you because people could find support through that supporting their disorder versus finding a support group or a therapist

Scott Benner 18:57
that keeps you in it and keeps you feeling like, this is great. Like he's doing it too. She's doing it too. There's there's health are they actually talking about like, there are healthy ways to accomplish this?

Anonymous Speaker 19:08
What do you buy healthy? Well, like

Scott Benner 19:09
better way? I don't know. Like, are they really talking about like, Hey, here's the great way to handle this this isn't that do they know it's bad for them and they don't care or they are just some people try to say it's not really detrimental to you like what's the, I guess? What's the scope of the conversation?

Anonymous Speaker 19:26
So it's more just about success. Whether that success is good for you or not, it doesn't matter it just you know, this is how you lose weight. This is how you successfully successfully purge. Um, this is how you exercise suddenly and

Scott Benner 19:42
I understand I just wanted to make sure I was clear, but okay. Is what are the physical problems that come from purging

Unknown Speaker 19:56
In my case, it was diabetes.

Anonymous Speaker 19:59
By It really throws your body out of whack. Um,

Unknown Speaker 20:05
a,

Anonymous Speaker 20:07
you know, there's long term effects you could have tearing in your esophagus from the acid bruising on your knuckles and purging teeth issues, you know, they always say a dentist could tell who's to blame. Um, so the acid

Scott Benner 20:23
hits the teeth, and then your teeth aren't prepared for stomach acid. Not in that. Not in that frequency.

Unknown Speaker 20:31
No, is that and just

Scott Benner 20:34
you said knuckles? I don't I'm not following that one. I'm sorry.

Anonymous Speaker 20:38
I'm just from, like, if you use your hands to purge, then, um, then your teeth would dig into your knuckles and cause scarring.

Scott Benner 20:50
Oh, so I'm reaching down my throat so frequently that I'm hurting my knuckles with my teeth.

Anonymous Speaker 20:55
Yes. And that could also result in stores around the mouth, also from acid reflux.

just general stomach issues, digestion issues.

Scott Benner 21:06
But do you and your doctors believe that? So I'm assuming everyone understands that if you end up having type one diabetes in your life, you've have some sort of genetic markers that predispose you. And the way I find myself thinking about it is that sometimes some sort of a health trauma can kind of speed the process up. And so maybe you were going to get diabetes when you were 10. But instead, you know, I don't know you got the flu really badly when you were five and or a virus or baba or whatever? Do you really believe that? That the impact that believe me had on your system threw you into type one. Don't ignore what kind of meter you're using just a blood glucose meter, it seems really simple, right? Like, it doesn't matter. There's a ton of them, I'll just take the one that doctor gives me except there's differences in accuracy. There's differences in quality of testing. And you can achieve that quality with the Contour Next One blood glucose meter. Go to Contour Next one.com forward slash juice box to learn all about Arden's blood glucose meter. It's got amazing accuracy. At an amazing price. It may even be less expensive. If you bought it with Archer insurance, not crazy, it's something could be cheaper without using your insurance than it is using it could be may not be maybe not sure, check it out Contour Next one.com forward slash juicebox. That's how you'll find out. This meter is small, yet easy to handle has a super bright light, even for a guy like me whose vision is you know, not great at night anymore. It's easy to read, has a great app if you'd like it's Bluetooth connected, and it works well. So well. In fact, that if you touch blood with a test trip and don't get enough, you can actually go back get the rest without impacting the accuracy of the test. And that accuracy is right at the top of industry standards. I love the Contour Next One blood glucose meter, and the numbers it gives back to us because we need those numbers to be something we can trust. Go poke around at Contour Next one.com forward slash juice box, you may even be eligible for an absolutely free meter. And they have an awesome test strip savings program. It's all there at the website. Check it out. If you've gotten yourself a brand new shiny meter that works so much better than the meter you have now you should check out touched by type one.org. I love this type one diabetes organization. They do really incredible work for people living with type one and they do it in very interesting and fun ways. You can learn more at touched by type one.org and go find them on Facebook and Instagram. There's lots to see lots to do. Lots to be excited about. There are links to these sponsors, as well as all the sponsors of the Juicebox Podcast right there in the show notes of your podcast player and at Juicebox podcast.com. I appreciate when you use the links. Alright, we have not even begun to scratch the surface yet in this episode. So let's get back to it.

Do you really believe that the impact that blumea had on your system threw you into type one?

Anonymous Speaker 24:51
Yeah, so that's why I stressed that I started my Blimey I really developed a few months ago for my diagnosis because Cuz as I was going through that, you know, I had the classic type one symptoms, I was very thirsty, I was very lethargic. And I thought it was a direct correlation of the Lamia, you know, because you're getting rid of fluid, so of course, you're going to be thirsty. And, and there's, like you said, there's a genetic factor to diabetes, the marker, and then the environmental factor. And, um, and, you know, I started purging in about like, early December of 2017. And then late January of 2018, I was diagnosed. So it was very hard for me to come to terms with because everyone tells you, you know, it's an autoimmune disorder. It's okay. Like, it wasn't your fault. And at that time, it really did feel like my fault, because it felt like, I chose the eating disorder. And I did this to myself.

Scott Benner 25:54
I see. Well, I mean, obviously, people told you this already. But you, you know, you could have just gotten a virus six months later, and never had the eating disorder and had diabetes. So I hope you found a way not to, to, you know, pressure yourself about that

Anonymous Speaker 26:09
was a therapy. Yeah, yeah.

Scott Benner 26:11
I was gonna say that's how that happens. Right? Do you listen? Have you heard the recent after dark episode about self harm? Yes. Did you find a lot of? I don't know, like parallels between that new?

Anonymous Speaker 26:27
Yes. Can you

Scott Benner 26:29
tell me how?

Anonymous Speaker 26:31
Yeah, um, so

a very common theme that I hear in the episodes is that lots of diabetics find it hard to take care of themselves until they're in a position of taking care of someone else. And, um, and I find that unfortunate, you know, because,

Unknown Speaker 26:55
um,

Anonymous Speaker 26:57
you know, because your will to live, we're really only come from yourself. But that's such a complicated paradox, because you simply don't have a will to live at that point. So how are you supposed to break out that cycle? You know, and when you don't feel like you want to live? Why you take care of your diabetes, you know, it could almost feel like you're punishing yourself, which is, you know, we're like, self harm comes in, you know, feels it was it's another sentence of taking control, you know, it's the opposite of what you think control would be, because you, you're saying, I don't care what the diabetes is telling me to do, I'm going to do what I want. But by doing that, you're just destroying yourself. You're not taking control of your body?

Scott Benner 27:43
Do you have any anxiety issues or depression?

Anonymous Speaker 27:50
Yeah. Oh, so diagnosed around that time, that was huge in everything, because, you know, I'm Dexcom. Right. And, you know, I would spend hours just staring at that graph, you know, trying to figure out the correlations and trying to keep it 100% sense, stable, as much as you try. And you can't always do that. With the depression, um, you know, I would, I wouldn't eat or eat too much, which also goes into the eating disorder, which also throws your blood sugar off whack, and I'm just not feeling the need to take care of myself.

Scott Benner 28:29
Okay. All right. What signs should parents be looking for? in eating disorders that maybe like you said, it's a very hidden thing. But is there a way if you look back, is there a way that someone could have seen you?

Anonymous Speaker 28:48
Yeah, isolation is a huge piece. You know, I've been always afraid, bubbly, extroverted kid. And I want to come out in my room, which is really more signs of depression, but it's specifically with the eating disorder, it would be a classic, I'm not hungry or picking out their food. It's very tough, because with all as much as there's those obvious signs, you know, like, you see someone not eating, but I'm having eat disorder, you get very good at hiding it. So I would only eat in front of people. So to show them that I was okay. maximizing your time around people by always having food with you, making it make it impossible for them to wander, like to think oh, she's not eating ever, because she's always eating when she's around me. Yeah, so I wouldn't say that the signs necessarily really correlate around food, I think would be more around mood because that is where I thought it might have been a little more obvious for people to realize because I simply wasn't myself anymore. So that could be that could be a million things, but you know, to approach someone and say, you know, I see it. I see that something's going on talk to me about it. And you don't have to call them out and say I think I'm disorder, I think your depression or whatever issue you think. But um, but since we feel so isolated and embarrassed, it's so hard to reach out for help

Scott Benner 30:19
you do you have two parents? Are you in a? or? Yeah, they're there. They're

Anonymous Speaker 30:26
married, happily married?

Scott Benner 30:28
And are there any? Has there been any kind of backlash for them? Do they feel badly for not seeing it? Or what's that relationship like now?

Anonymous Speaker 30:41
Right. So my parents have become my number one supporter. In the beginning, it wasn't like that. So, back to when I was 15. And the with when I was lifeguarding, and the, the cam doctor encouraged me to talk to someone about it. And the first person I would reach out would be my parents, the first thing they told me was, you don't look fat enough have eating disorder. So a, and I didn't, and that I didn't get help. You know, it was months after that. I'm trying to get them to realize that something was wrong. And I was able to plan for myself at that point, I had my friend who knew about it, pushing me to go into therapy. So in the beginning,

they were in denial.

Scott Benner 31:32
Was it? Was it just a misunderstanding of what an eating disorder was? Or were they trying to be, you know, denying what was happening? And by the way, how did that feel? Well, hold on answer those questions first, and then I'll,

Anonymous Speaker 31:46
yeah, a huge piece of it was denial for sure. Because again, I was this bubbly, extroverted child, and they looked at me and they think my kids, where did I go wrong? How did How could I have done this to her? And, obviously, you know, there's so many contributing factors. It wasn't bad, you know, but, um, but hurts. I imagined to see your kid go through something like that. Yeah. So for sure. It was nine. Okay. And then another, another, no, just another piece. Also, just not understanding but you start at first, you know, it took it took a good year for them to realize that I was actually struggling with something.

Scott Benner 32:29
Were you and you are being supported during that year by friends.

Anonymous Speaker 32:34
I'm not really know because, um, I had a friend who was definitely a huge support at the time, but there's only so much a friend could do and only so much I could allow myself to to allow my friend to do for me, because this is a this is more than more than us, you know. And, you know, as much as I can feel accepted in my friendship, I'm still killing myself.

Scott Benner 33:05
Okay. Yeah. When you tell your parents and they respond, you don't look thin enough to have an eating disorder. I'm being serious about this, but it's gonna come off as flippant, but it's not. Where you inside thinking. This is amazing. I have been really working hard at being thin and they don't think I look thin. Like did that actually hit you that way?

Anonymous Speaker 33:27
It was horrible. Because I'm

a sick goal of some of the disorder is to look sick enough. And I didn't look sick enough. It seems like in disorder is a very external thing. Um, but it's not. It's not it's internal.

Scott Benner 33:45
For how you looked, it must have I'm putting myself in your shoes for a second and maybe I'm wrong. But it feels like to me like you'd be like, this is what I think this is part of my goal here is to look thin, and you're telling me I don't look thin? Like did that spiral you to hear that? You didn't look the way you expected? You did? Or did you? Could you tell that it was just them? Not wanting their daughter to have bulimia?

Anonymous Speaker 34:09
No, at the time it pushed me just try harder.

Scott Benner 34:13
So I can think that's what I was thinking you were probably like, oh, I'll show you. Yes. Wow, this is uh, yeah, this is messed up. It let's let's we're halfway through so let's give people a little bit of context for where you are now. So you mean you've been in treatment for a while. How What are your goals? Like you know, I I don't know how to think about it. Like I think about when alcoholics talk about you're always an alcoholic. You just haven't drank today, like what's the what's the goal for bulimia.

Unknown Speaker 34:48
So

Anonymous Speaker 34:51
there will always be a piece of it, but it will never be like a once was

Unknown Speaker 34:58
the

Anonymous Speaker 35:01
The goal is to,

as cliche and as it sounds, is to love yourself at any point of your life. Because, you know, our bodies always change. And, and you got to find love from internally. The goal, surprisingly, isn't to never purge again. Because as since this was my coping mechanism for the longest time, it does come up time and time again. But doesn't mean that I, in the DSM five still believe that, you know, because I understand my triggers, and I understand how to not fall into a spiral. So, the goal for it is to not be Hi, I'm Lena, you know, just to be another piece of my story.

Scott Benner 35:51
Do you have new coping mechanisms that you employ?

Anonymous Speaker 35:57
Yeah, so, um,

Unknown Speaker 36:01
um,

Scott Benner 36:03
well, give me this, what's it, what's an example of something that would need you to employ a coping mechanism what could happen in your day to day life that might, that would throw you off tilt.

Unknown Speaker 36:15
So

Anonymous Speaker 36:18
So has a lot to do with my perception of others.

In recovery, I have to learn about this certain partnership about on my end, I have to work on overcoming like, my sensitivities and my triggers, because people say things that they don't even realize that they're saying, and on their end, you know, the people around me should work on being more sensitive, you know, obviously, there's objective things that you shouldn't tell someone, um, like,

for example,

this is an example of something that you would never expect to trigger me, but it did when, when I was 17, I guess, newly diagnosed, I was told that I had to have more carbs in my diet. So I, every morning, I had a yogurt with a quarter cup of granola, which is a lot of granola for the amount of yogurt I was having. And, and I always have it in the morning in school. And one day, my friends, some eating it, and she was like, wow, is that granola, yogurt, or yogurt and granola? implying that that was a lot of granola. And over time, everyone kind of funny. But as he stood up, went out, I threw it out. Because it was, to me that was like, you're saying on eat too much. And objectively, that's that just a comment doesn't mean anything. But for someone with an eating disorder that was destructive. So, um, that scenario happened. Now. my thought process would be, she doesn't mean anything by it. You know, let me just enjoy my yogurt. So that's on my end.

Scott Benner 37:54
It's interesting, because I guess it is all how you react to things. I know. If someone said something like that, to me, my reaction would be, hey, you're a nasty, aren't you? Why don't you shut up? And and like, I would never think like that her opinion meant anything to me. But it it's, it's very meaningful to you. As I'm recording again, so I responded to you. We lost for a second and she's back. But I responded to her statement. And now I realize that she didn't hear it, which is interesting. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 38:31
Why am I unable now? What was the

Scott Benner 38:34
response? I'm trying to I'm having a technical issue on my make sure I'm recording your voice now. Why is it doing this to me? Okay, I said that it's interesting that you cared what people think because I if somebody said to me, I'd be like, you're a horrible, like, why do you like leave me alone? I like a lot of granola with my yogurt. What's it to you? Why don't you come over here and let me see if I can get this yogurt up your ass. Like I didn't. I would feel like just go away. And die, but it really impacted you. Yeah, does does that always the case.

Unknown Speaker 39:17
So, um,

Anonymous Speaker 39:20
now, um, these situations happen all the time where where people say or do things that to my disordered brain feels like a direct attack while someone else will just go off. But, um, so to me now, um, one time if you feel insecure, instead of rushing to that unhealthy unhealthy coping mechanism or to that unhealthy reaction. I would, um, put in this piece of how am I going to react to this, where it's where I realize that it's not a therapy package. Just people beat people, you know, people talk. And so sometimes, most of the time now I'm successful sometimes I'm not. And I'm,

Scott Benner 40:13
no, I just it's maybe it's got to do with your age or, or your situation. I don't know. And but I and I don't remember myself when I was 16, I guess as well as I think I do. I just know that right now, I can't imagine something, somebody could think of me that I care about. That way, like, don't get me wrong. If people I respect or love have, like constructive criticisms, I'd like to hear them. But I'm just like somebody at school or someone walking down the street. I don't know, like, when I order soft serve ice cream. I'm like, Can you put sprinkles on that? To the point where you're not sure if I got ice cream with sprinkles or sprinkles with ice cream, please? Thank you very much. And I don't care what the person at the place things. I just like my ice cream crunchy. You don't mean? So. But, but but that's it

Anonymous Speaker 41:02
can't really have it. So that's, that's exactly what it is, you know, that I had to find, like self esteem, where the only a pain that mattered were the people that mattered. And now now I think I could say that the average person who would make a dumb comment really isn't does not affect me whatsoever. But, um, and now when someone posts me does make a comment. Um, it doesn't trigger me in the classic sense. You know, um, it just, it's something that I worked through myself,

Scott Benner 41:40
thinking about your diabetes. And believe me, if there were there, there was an overlap, right? So you were diabetic, while you were learning how to manage bulimia. So you were purging while you were using insulin? Is that correct?

Unknown Speaker 42:02
Yes. Okay.

Scott Benner 42:04
How do you do that?

Anonymous Speaker 42:09
It was fun. It was great. Because it a, you see the the physical effects after purging became so obvious because it drops your blood sugar very quickly, soon afterwards. And that I would have to catch it. So it would be, let's say with juice, but maybe didn't work. Or maybe when I go when my culture goes, Well, I become starving so that I will eat again. And then I would purge again. And it would just be there would be nights of just a cycle of binging and purging. I'm

Scott Benner 42:41
going to leave because of the butcher. Let's go step by step. Where you like Pre-Bolus sing meals for you bolusing when you ate like, how are you? Where was that?

Anonymous Speaker 42:53
So it depends what the intention of the meal was. Because sometimes if if it was supposed to be a normal meal was supposed to be dinner, and then yeah, that would be a Pre-Bolus or a normal amount of Bolus. Um, and then it just and then as I ate, um, it depends also what state I was in, it was just a normal meal, then I would just add more insulin. But if it was, okay, this is becoming a purge, I would, um, at that point, I was on MDI, so. And if it wasn't what I was reading on the insulin pump, then I would start like camping the bazel, because I knew what was coming.

Scott Benner 43:31
So some meals, so some meals weren't gonna end up with the purge. No, okay. But it and if it happened, you wouldn't necessarily know before it happened, you don't look at the food and you wouldn't look at the food and say, I'm going to eat this, then I'm going to throw it up. Or it might be your intention was I'm going to, I'm going to keep it. And so at some point, the I'm going to call it a decision, but I guarantee that's not the right word for it, a decision is made that you're going to purge. Now you're cognizant that I'm going to do this, but I have all this insulin going. So I'll drink juice, you didn't think of juice the same way as you thought of food? Or was the idea of keeping yourself alive because of the insulin more powerful than the feeling that you needed to purge?

Anonymous Speaker 44:19
That's exactly what it was, um, where you know, because also, a low blood sugar is a very obvious in your face. Issue, you know, where I was able to face head on, but when doctors or people would tell me, you know, in years from now, you're going to tear your esophagus. You know, that doesn't matter to me in the moment, you know, all I see now is, is I have this Twitter, my body that I have to get out and I would have a whole bunch of girls on my treat that I'm not thinking about. Yeah, but if you just didn't purge, you wouldn't have the cycle.

Scott Benner 44:54
Gotcha. But like if I put you on some train tracks and tied you down and said hey, you have enough time to either Untie yourself or purge that cheeseburger you just ate, you would untie yourself and get off the train tracks. Now, yes. Now you're like, well, now I would. Wow. Okay, what else do I need? What else do I need to understand about bulimia that's untreated? And type one, like, what are people who are living through these two things now? What are they dealing with?

Anonymous Speaker 45:32
So I think it all starts from how the person is educated. Because when calling correctly teaching someone how to be a good diabetic is like teaching them how to have eating disorder. If you don't have a healthy mindset around food, it becomes a chore. I remember when I first started listening to the podcast and hearing how you talk about what's art in about how she could eat whatever she wants. And you know, we'll just Polish correctly, it was Mind blown to me, I never thought that that was possible. I separately correlated my worth to my blood sugar and to the food I was eating. And, and for someone struggling with it is to understand that obviously, your self esteem comes from doing action and taking action. But just to be able to give yourself acceptance that, um, that you're still a good person, even if your blood sugar's a little bit haywire.

Scott Benner 46:34
Do you recognize that? Oh, well, let me start by saying, I recognize that what you're saying is true. Do you recognize that for people who don't have an eating disorder, anxiety or depression that these thoughts are? very infrequently enter their mind? Like, do you know that that's not my life, for instance, that I don't derive self worth from? Like, you know, what you were just talking about? Or I'm like, do you know that you you think differently?

Anonymous Speaker 47:07
Yeah. So it's funny. Um, I would?

At one point, no, because I'm a felt like, this is the normal thought process. It doesn't like, it doesn't matter to me, if someone else's is thinking differently. I mean, I'm

Scott Benner 47:32
not that I, what I was wondering was that, like, like, there, let's maybe blow it up a little bit here, like their artistic minds, and there are maybe more mathematical minds, right. And that, you know, a person who's maybe a tiny bit OCD, who's really good at math goes for a ride on a country road with horses on the side of the road doesn't see the trees doesn't see the horses, just the road in front of them. while I'm driving along, thinking like, it's a lovely landscape. And, you know, like, like, isn't it interesting how the cows seem to cross the water right there and like, like, and the know, and other people don't see that. And it first struck me when, during the self harm episode, when she was talking about these things that were just so true to her. And I realized, like, I've never had that thought in my entire life. Like, I've never considered that once. It's never impacted me at all. And you're, I'm having the same thought talking to you like, there are things that impact you really significantly. And I'm not saying that, you know, you should not let them impact you. I'm not talking like that. I'm saying that there's some way you're wired, that I'm not wired. And you know, and vice versa, too. And let me give you an example of that. I am not a trim lean person, okay. And I've never really been my entire life. And I don't care. Like and so like, I want to be healthy, and I want to live forever. But I don't think of myself, visually, like I don't think oh, I shouldn't do this or wear that. Or people will think that I'm this or that. I don't know that. Like I'm aware that people probably look at me and think I wonder why Scott doesn't knock 20 pounds off. But I don't care. And I'm not. I'm not concerned with it. Like I don't tie him who I am at all to how I look. And trust me, I probably need about 5% of that from you. Like if you could lend it to me that would probably be good for me because it would be better for my health. Just to say five

Anonymous Speaker 49:42
or something.

Scott Benner 49:45
I could send some back to you. I think it would help too. And the one thing I haven't asked you yet that I keep wondering to myself while we're talking like do I get through this without asking this but I really want to add context to it. If you're okay with it. When you You're 14 and this starts. Were you overweight?

Anonymous Speaker 50:04
No. Okay. Can you I was I was

not underweight. But I'm towards

the lower end of a normal weight.

Scott Benner 50:16
Okay. And so even now, how tall are you now? I'm 5656. Would you tell me what you weigh right now?

Anonymous Speaker 50:25
I don't know. But it's part of it. I will weigh yourself, right? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't. But I would. It's a pretty large bracket, but I would say between 140 and 160, maybe.

Scott Benner 50:40
Okay. And are you happy with? Do you even think about how you look now? Like, how do you handle that? Like, are you like, I'm, I look great like this, or I'm comfortable like this? Do you think of it as health? Like, how do you think of your body now.

Anonymous Speaker 50:53
So, um, now I acknowledge that this is not my ideal body type. But I, I am in the process of not equating my work to that, where I'm able to, I'm able to still get dressed and feel good about myself with still knowing that, you know, I'm not, I'm not exactly where I want to be, but I still like myself. And that's okay, you know. So, it's not as debilitating as it once was, you know, there was a time where I really want to go out I wouldn't, I wasn't able to go to school, because I couldn't bear people see my body. And I'm so thankful It's not like that anymore. But, um, that's, that's exactly what I'm a person with eating disorders isn't. doesn't think like, you know, you that you're able to acknowledge, like, you were saying, like, Yeah, I would like to lose a couple pounds, but it's fine. You know, I'm still me. Right. But someone with eating disorder equates it. It's your personality, you know?

Scott Benner 51:56
Gotcha. Do you? Um, can I ask you? Are you in a relationship? No. Okay. Have you? Is that something you want?

Anonymous Speaker 52:06
Um, well, everyone listening me up, but not currently.

Scott Benner 52:12
Like, I don't know if I need a relationship. But you could still, you know, maybe we could hook up for a second I I not looking for you to be involved.

Anonymous Speaker 52:23
Sorry, mom and dad, when you listen to this, but

Scott Benner 52:26
like, I'm not looking for somebody to be involved in my day to day decisions or anything like that, but a little bit, that'd be okay. Is that what you're saying?

Anonymous Speaker 52:36
No, Mom and Dad listen.

Unknown Speaker 52:39
Um,

Anonymous Speaker 52:41
so, I

Okay, so this also really deeply ties into eating disorder. Because when I'm, when my friends were, you know, having relationships, um, I couldn't fear someone looking at me. So, um, and I couldn't, and I knew I was incapable of loving someone else until I love myself. And, um, and now, I'm, I'm really working towards that, you know, like I said earlier, it's a, it's a, it's a partnership, where I have to work on my own self esteem, and my partner will have to be sensitive to that. And I see myself on like, an upward trajectory where I could see myself, you know, being in a healthy relationship, because I have enough self esteem for it. But it's not one of my priorities currently.

Scott Benner 53:41
Cool. Well, I'm glad to hear that you can see it happening is believe me more male or female disorder? Is there not? Is it I'm looking right now? Because I'm interested.

Anonymous Speaker 53:53
That's a good question. I don't know. Let's see what what does it say? What does Google say

Scott Benner 53:57
Lamia affects one to one and a half percent of females nurse attend to one ratio of females to male suffering. Yeah. Because you know, it's funny, I know you're younger, but we're talking about this and us to be on so I'm gonna keep going with my line of thought here. It what I'm picturing is is that like to be intimate with somebody, if your clothes came off, you would back then for certain not be able to handle them looking at you, no matter what your body style was in that moment. Is that right? Correct. Okay, and what I was thinking when you said that was you should try being a boy because it really nobody, I don't really think about anything when that's going on. I'm like, oh, sex, and the rest of it sort of flies out the window. I wonder what it is that um, it just occurred to me that, that maybe there was a weird delineation between this being male to female. And I get that like, I mean, I mean, I don't get it from a female perspective, but I feel like I can understand at least you know, academically what that must be like.

Anonymous Speaker 54:59
Yeah. Just the same thing and the other half a dark episode about sex and diabetes, where I'm about feeling insecure about insulin pump or glucose monitor. And if and just like how some people might feel like that is a flaw, I feel like my body is the flaw. So, yeah. Okay,

Scott Benner 55:18
but at this point today, is it fair to say you don't feel like that? Or you don't feel like that sometimes? Or where are you at right now?

Anonymous Speaker 55:29
Um, I feel better about it. Um, and it's, I acknowledge that's not what it once was. And I acknowledged that I could feel good in the body type that I'm currently in now. But it's still hard. It's still not, you know, because like, currently the stage of recovery that I'm in, I'm medically okay, but I'm still working through the, the mindset of it. And that will take a little more time.

Scott Benner 56:01
You medicated it off for you. I started to ask about depression anxiety earlier, we didn't really go completely into it. Are you taking any medications?

Anonymous Speaker 56:09
Yeah, I'm currently on Prozac.

Scott Benner 56:12
Prozac? Is that helpful?

Anonymous Speaker 56:15
Yeah, so it's just

Unknown Speaker 56:21
a

Anonymous Speaker 56:25
medication doesn't work. Unless you have the motivation to work on yourself all it does, at least the type of medication and I'm on an SSRI just helps give me more energy to deal with my emotions, but it doesn't get rid of the emotions. So um, so it's not it's not. It's not supposed to be long term. I mean, I've been on it for four. I started the journey on medications around two years ago. And I see where I'm where I am right now. I'm budbreak comfortable being on medication. I don't mind it. I do see myself in the future, eventually weighing myself off of it.

Scott Benner 57:08
Have you gone through all of them? Have you tried like Lexapro? stalybridge.

Anonymous Speaker 57:11
Nah, I only I only I tried Zoloft.

Scott Benner 57:16
So your teacher just says I'm a Prozac kind of girl. Yeah. Listen, the idea is to find one that works. Right. So, um, and I really don't mean to push you, but was there a trauma back then that started all this off? Like, can you put your thumb on what happened? Or no? Where do you not want to tell me either any answers fine.

Unknown Speaker 57:41
So

Anonymous Speaker 57:42
this was also a really huge thing for me was that, um, most people have an major external trauma that affects their internal for me, it was really it was all internal it was, it was the way that I perceived the world, and how and how I reacted to it. Like, growing up, you know, I had fantastic family and fantastic parents, but, you know, no person is perfect. And, and, and, from certain actions that may have not been perceived by everyone else as as, as wrong to me, made me feel like, I didn't belong and I wasn't loved. So my mind definitely equated that to my weight. Gotcha. And it was the same with my social life where any kind of have a an issue. You know, I always again, I was always an extroverted kid, I had friends, but but when I lost a friend, it felt like it was directly correlated to my body. So the truth is, there wasn't a major trauma, which is I hope some people would find comfort in that because I have a hard time. It's almost, it's, it's a little bit ridiculous, but I'm almost embarrassed to admit that because thank God, I don't have trauma. But

it kind of feels like why did you have an eating disorder?

Scott Benner 59:16
Does the Um, excuse me for a second? Sorry, does the onset of the bulimia in the 14 did it all correlate with when you began to get your period?

Anonymous Speaker 59:30
No, I was. I don't care too much later. I was. Wait. 15

Scott Benner 59:37
Okay. Just there's there's some disorders that that happen. Sort of when all of the hormones come in? Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't sure if it was a if that was, you know, I wasn't gonna I wasn't looking for like, oh, on the day I got my period. I suddenly I wasn't I didn't mean like that. I just meant like, was it close, but it sounds like it wasn't Okay. This is more important than normal. Is there anything we didn't talk about then? That we should have? Because I really did not know how to ask questions while you were talking. I feel like I didn't okay. But I also feel like,

Anonymous Speaker 1:00:14
Yeah, you did a great job, and I hope I did, too. Um, what was your goal? Yes. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say like, why I wanted to come on. I always heard of Dibley, Mia, you know, like restricting insulin to lose weight. But I never heard of someone like me that struggle with eating disorder prior to the diagnosis that led to it feeling like, everything was my fault, both the eating disorder and both the diabetes, and and I wanted someone maybe out there who may feel the same way to realize that it's okay. And it's and that's not true. And and, you know, everyone has their own story. So, what's your mind?

Scott Benner 1:01:06
Well, I think that well, thank you. First of all, that's excellent. I think that there are obviously a number of things that can go on in a person's life, that sometimes are easier to ignore, then to address. It feels easier. The truth is that doing something's no harder than not doing it, it's actually probably easier to do it than it is to not do it. How convoluted I just made that sound. But you're shooting something constantly anyway, right? You're always doing something, do the thing that will help you. Right, you know, so if you're feeling the way we as described, the first step is what do you think? Is it general practitioner just Hey, I feel depressed, I feel anxious. I haven't either. I think I might have an eating disorder. Like, is it just telling somebody is that the first step?

Anonymous Speaker 1:01:59
I think the first step is to have some sort of support. Um, I know, there's so many horror stories of people who ask medical professionals for help, and they're told the same thing that I was told when my parents that I was, I wasn't sick enough. Um, but the reason why that, even though that did hugely impact my eating disorder, it didn't send me into a spiral. Because, you know, I had a good friend group, you know, um, and I had a friend I could talk to. So, the weather, if, if someone feels like they're, they're able to face that on their own, you know, reaching out to a medical professional. Um, that, of course, would be the first choice. But, and obviously, this is very hard for someone dealing with this because as isolating B, you're very insecure. So you might not feel like you have a support group. But the reality is, you probably do, and there are people who love you, whether it's your family or your friends, so to know that going into whatever treatment you're going into, I think, makes all the difference.

Scott Benner 1:03:03
Okay, thank you. Um, what do you think? The future like short term is for you? Are you in college?

Unknown Speaker 1:03:16
All right, yes.

Scott Benner 1:03:17
Well, nobody's in college right now. But are you in your bedroom getting an education and paying a lot of money for?

Anonymous Speaker 1:03:25
Exactly, um, yeah, I'm actually I want to go into nursing specifically endocrinology. Because it feels like a field that I can make a difference and a field that I relate to. Um Yeah, cuz I want to do the education properly, you know, because like I said earlier, you don't want to treat um, they want you don't want to tell a diabetic how to having disorder.

Scott Benner 1:03:53
So you're so you're in college now your goal is to be a nurse and and hopefully help people with different endocrine issues probably specifically type one. That's lovely. What about your health? Like, how do you like like, I'll give you like, here's an example of my question. I started eating on a What do they call it intermittent fasting kind of schedule recently, which has been really helpful for me so during the pandemic, I lost 11 pounds on purpose right yeah, you're probably the it's weird probably that I'm telling you so but but

Unknown Speaker 1:04:29
by the way, well for you it's great.

Scott Benner 1:04:31
Is this not the most fun conversation about believe me it probably has ever been recorded? Seriously, but But anyway, just went through it intermittent fasting thing, I don't eat before noon, and they don't eat after eight. And in other than that, I'm just eating. I mean, I don't want to say like whatever I want, like I'm conscious to go, you know, not eating like a gallon of ice cream or something like that. But I'm eating pretty normally, in that in that other space. I feel first thought of doing it because of a type two I spoke to who told me how well they were managing their type two diabetes with intermittent fasting, which was really exciting. They were able to cut back on their medications and things like that. And the person told me they had lost weight. I thought, Oh, you know, I'd like to lose weight. Let me try that. And so what? The only thing I tell myself in the beginning, was I just made it very specific, not before noon, not after eat. And to the point where if I got hungry at like, 755, I was like, Well, you've got five minutes to eat something you don't mean like, like, I just, that's what I stayed. And it's, it's, it gave me like some rules that are worth helping me. And I'm wondering, what the rules are you have? Or is it not about that is like, what have you learned in therapy? Is it about just don't restrict yourself? Or is it about healthy rules? Or how do you manage going forward now from here, and where? Where is that you're going? Exactly?

Anonymous Speaker 1:06:07
Yeah, that's a great question. Um, Chad's my therapist, she's the best one we are without her literally. And what I learned with her was, that it's a two piece thing, because there is because even though this is an internal disorder, all the manifestations are external. So there is physical rules that I do have for myself, you know, like, I try to practice intuitive eating, and, and I do what makes me feel comfortable. And, and that also goes in hand with diabetes, because they're, you know, I have to be cognizant, cognizant of the amount of food I'm eating, you know, which is not, you know, you don't tell someone who is someone who's in in treatment and patient, you know, they're not allowed to weigh their food. And I was doing that for the longest time when I was carb counting. So. So now.

Unknown Speaker 1:07:09
Sorry, I lost my train of thought,

Scott Benner 1:07:10
you know, you see, see, you're not allowed to weigh your food because of your treatment. But that's how you were managing your carb counting.

Anonymous Speaker 1:07:16
Yes. So it was a fun duality. But so yes, there is a physical piece. But it's mostly it's mostly internal. Where,

where

Unknown Speaker 1:07:32
I

Anonymous Speaker 1:07:37
had like, hearing you talk about the way that that, you know, you started this intermittent fasting, it was really obvious that you didn't correlate your self worth to your body. And that is my goal. Now, I'm where, back to what I was saying before, how I'm able to look myself and and like, where I'm at, but still acknowledged, I still want to lose the weight. Does that answer your question?

Yeah, it does. I kind of lost my train of thought.

Scott Benner 1:08:08
No, it's it's a long process. And by not, so you're just taking small steps in the right direction, not looking for giant leaps, just continue to do what's best for you. And your physical self should come along as that goes, which is really what I found with this is that I just did what I was supposed to do when without being focused on the physical stuff, the you know, the outwardly physical stuff that just kind of came along for me. So, you know, you just do the right things in the right things happen. Yeah, yeah. No, I hear you that that I, you know, I have to be honest with you. I think that's how I live in general. I don't think that's a bad way to conduct yourself. You know, it's not always about mine mind mind, get more for me, as much as it is, you know, if I do the right thing, sometimes I'm going to benefit from that. Sometimes I won't, but at least I'm always putting the right thing out. And I think that ends up generally speaking, paying you back, so it's a great idea. Good for you. Hmm. Well, congratulations on you know, persevering through telling your parents and then being like, come on, you know, and and that couldn't have been easy. And to stick with it. And now you've got you know, everybody supporting you well, and you're and you're, you're doing the right things that it's, you know, it's really to be applauded, just just doing the right things is, is not always easy.

Anonymous Speaker 1:09:40
Thank you. And I just wanted to put just a final disclaimer out there for anyone listening that struggling with this or something similar, that it's so easy to start comparing yourself but to realize that every experience is different, like I know that I listed a lot of examples, but no one should feel that they're quote unquote, not doing your right or doing a wrong based on my own experience that with any sort of stutter or struggle, you know, everyone has their own experience. So I'm hope no one was triggered.

Scott Benner 1:10:11
So the treatment, the treatment itself is, is going to be wildly different depending on you, depending on the person. Right, huh, that's, it's interesting. You know, we're done. But I'm gonna keep talking for a second, the idea of being triggered is, in my mind, and it is a more to newer idea, like the idea that I might say something or see something or do something or hear something that puts me down a path that of just other people would have known not to say, you know, what, what's the, like, my question to you is, there's a question around that idea of being triggered. How do you hold people accountable for that? Or is that on you? Like, do you mean like, if I'm an idiot, and I look at a person, I'm like, Oh, well, you shouldn't be wearing that shirt. Obviously, I'm an ass. If I say that, but is it? Like, can you really give me that kind of power? like to do you don't mean? Like, it's a weird? Yeah, no, 100%?

Anonymous Speaker 1:11:15
No, no, um, it's, that's, that's exactly it. Where I'm, it doesn't matter what anyone tells me. It matters how I react to it. You know, obviously, it would be nice if people shoot each other well, and don't say dumb things. But if they do, it doesn't, it's irrelevant. what they said. It's really how I reacted like, like how I was saying earlier, people said the most non triggering things that shouldn't be triggered, but worth it didn't matter what they said it was up to me of how I reacted to it.

Scott Benner 1:11:53
So you were like, a live nerve to you were just anything could have made you feel?

Anonymous Speaker 1:11:57
Yeah, worse.

Yeah. Because no one should go go around the lie about their life walking on eggshells, you know, I don't want that was a huge thing with me and my relationships in my life, Where, where, you know, you want people to treat you normal, but they're not your normal if every time they say something, you burst out crying. So, um, so yeah, it's really up to you and how you respond.

Scott Benner 1:12:20
Okay. Yeah, I just I didn't understand cuz I'm old. And, like, you know, I grew up in a time where if somebody said something, and you let it impact you, that was your fault. And at the same time, it is not lost on me that people who you know, profess to, like, I speak the truth, my head, no one's looking for your truth. Just shut up. You don't mean? Like, it's that idea of, like, we all know somebody who runs around just being everybody, and then they like, I'm just telling you how it is. I'm like, no, it's, you know, you're just an angry old, you know, well, I guess I'm thinking of one person in particular. But, um, but you know, that person who believes themselves to be a truth teller really isn't they're just, they're hurting and they're trying to hurt other people. It's fairly obvious, right? You know, unless you're a comedian. By the way, if you're a professional comedian, you're making your money that way, then okay. Making fun is the way to go. But it's just you with four people at a family function. Maybe keep it to yourself, if you don't like my shoes. I guess this one, I'm

Anonymous Speaker 1:13:21
not getting paid to me enough.

Scott Benner 1:13:23
Yeah. Right. If you are then right on, and then I'm paying, like, then then it's then All's fair. You know? Yeah. Okay. This was good. Like, I feel dizzy from this, but it was good. Yeah, so no, it's not you. It's just that, you know, what started out is like a podcast where I'm just like, let me just tell people how we managed my daughter. And then suddenly, you know, one day somebody was like, Can you touch on this topic? And then I started thinking about, like, well, maybe I could expand here, maybe this isn't servicing this person. You know, I've had a lot of conversations and learned about a lot of things that I didn't expect to know about. And it's always been really helpful to me. And it's nice to hear, you know, how you see the world and how the world impacts you. And I think it's great for other people to hear it too. I just didn't expect that it was going to come from my, my diabetes podcast, of all things that I'm starting to feel like the podcast is, you know, has grown somehow in scope. And so I appreciate you. Yes.

Anonymous Speaker 1:14:25
Yeah. So yeah, and thank you for pointing it out. I mean,

Scott Benner 1:14:29
no, that's not what I was doing. But I appreciate that. So are you using the podcast? Like, like, like, have you like been through the pro tips? Like, does it help you day to day, diabetes?

Anonymous Speaker 1:14:40
Yeah, so um, when I began really managing my diabetes, you know, not just trying stay alive, but actually trying to, you know, deal with it. Um, I'm not sure how I stumbled upon the podcast, but um, I think the first episode that I listen to attract mix of the word title. So I wonder where my house is gonna be?

Scott Benner 1:15:05
What was the title? Tell me? Do you remember?

Anonymous Speaker 1:15:08
It was the wheat episode I think, Oh,

Scott Benner 1:15:09
I see are

Anonymous Speaker 1:15:10
you know, again mom and dad is listening.

Scott Benner 1:15:16
Okay, so hold on let's talk around this for half a second and then we'll get back to your thought maybe we're not done. You like the idea of weed? Or you smoking you don't want your parents to know, or I guess there's no way to answer that but like, but the title Got you. So

Anonymous Speaker 1:15:34
it just it would just sound interesting. I don't know, I think I mean, I remember distinctly that being the episode that made me come to listen to the podcast. I'm not sure if it was the first episode I listen to. Um, but um, it just sounded different. You know? Um, no one really spoke about that. So I'm Mom and Dad, I'm sober. Good, I'm fine. Your parents right

Scott Benner 1:15:56
now are listening this and thinking God, I hope she never finds our weed. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 1:16:04
So

Scott Benner 1:16:06
I didn't mean to put that ahead. I'm sure your parents aren't always. Like, are my parents smoking? I'm not alone. I'm teasing. I'm sure they're not.

Anonymous Speaker 1:16:18
They do go on. They do go on a lot of walks together. So

Scott Benner 1:16:23
I got you probably just in the basement, just walk down stairs, going out, they probably do like a step by step thing at the back door and close the door and then just slide right downstairs. Um,

Anonymous Speaker 1:16:34
but I was just remembering what the original question was. How? Yeah, so once I start listening to the podcast, I just lose your ego. It completely changed my management, the first at first when I started listening, I was listening for like, I guess the other people hearing the stories and every time I would hear you say something radical, I would just think that's so stupid.

Like, like, That's ridiculous. He is

he you know, he's I live with this. But once you put, you know, your ego aside and actually listen to what you're saying. I completely changed my management. And.

Unknown Speaker 1:17:15
And,

Anonymous Speaker 1:17:17
you know, there was probably about a year ago that I started listening to the podcast, and I really feel like I'm a different person now both in recovery, both as a diabetic and just as a Christian as a whole. So,

Scott Benner 1:17:29
Leah, were you hate listening to me at first? You know, I know please, you'd be like the thousandth person to say yes to that. So I

Anonymous Speaker 1:17:43
there were things that I that I like, like I wasn't, I wasn't continuing to listen, just the heat on it. But there were lots of times that I would just get mad and but

Unknown Speaker 1:17:54
yeah, well no to be

Scott Benner 1:17:56
to be serious. And I've heard it now from enough people to put context around it. And I understand it's, it's first of all, you're listening to a person who doesn't have diabetes tell you how to manage insulin, which has got to be strange. Like I I've never really fully immersed myself in that thought, but it's just got to be weird. And, and it can be angering, and especially when I start talking about like, you don't understand, just do this, and it'll work. And you're just like, No, I've been doing this for years, and it doesn't work in your name. Please stop talking. And you know, but there's got to be a little part of you that's like, well, what if it does work? Like I really would like to have that experience, you know? Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Anonymous Speaker 1:18:34
maturity, I'm just putting that passed me, you know, just because you're not someone who has who understands it, and you're giving good advice. So

Scott Benner 1:18:46
Leah, nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, please always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin because I don't give advice here. I'm just telling people what I do and they can do whatever they want. I hear what you say no, and I appreciate that. Don't get all serious on me. I was half kidding there. But, but no, I really, I'm glad for you because especially your age. You know, you are very it's interesting, you are very mature. I don't know if you like that about yourself or not. But you know, it's it's obvious like talking to you like your your thought process is of, of an age that's I would say greater than 19. And to be able at 19 to hear stuff that doesn't sound like what you're doing that makes you feel like a you know, he doesn't know like Shut up. Like that kind of feeling. And to to to be thoughtful enough to listen anyway. That's really great. Like you're doing a lot of good things for yourself. So good for you. Congratulations. You're welcome. Now I'm it's really, it's impressive. It really is. What do you think the rest of your day is gonna look like? Because I'm going to do laundry and Then I'm gonna put a podcast episode up

Anonymous Speaker 1:20:03
that sounds thrilling. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:20:05
I'm I'm gonna cook dinner and then afterwards to your parents are off getting loaded somewhere so they're having a great time.

Anonymous Speaker 1:20:12
Yeah, their days definitely better than mine. So no, my days been pretty good so far. So

Scott Benner 1:20:17
now they're on your phone right now looking for dating apps trying to make sure you're not unlike, you know, Tinder or something like that. But But seriously, do you Is there anything you're trying to say to the people listening right now? Give a zip code or anything like that. Anyway, yeah, well out of respect your parents the I don't know what this episode is gonna be called. But it won't be knocking around late just for certain.

Anonymous Speaker 1:20:54
They'll appreciate that. Oh,

Scott Benner 1:20:55
of course. Let me say thank you again and goodbye.

Hey, a huge thanks to Leah for coming on the show and sharing so honestly, and, and being so brave. Thanks also to the Contour Next One blood glucose meter and touched by type one for sponsoring this episode. You can go to touch to buy type one.org or Contour Next one.com. forward slash juice box to learn more. There are also links in your show notes, and at Juicebox podcast.com. To these and all the sponsors. Hey, if you're listening online, could you consider getting that podcast out for me and subscribing? That would be helpful. I would like that. Plus, it's super simple to listen that way and absolutely free. Hope you enjoyed the podcast today. And if you did, and are looking for more of the after dark series, you're looking for Episode 274 about drinking 283 about weed 305 about trauma and addiction 319 sex with Type One Diabetes from a female perspective. Episode 336. about depression and self harm 365 is sex with Type One Diabetes from a male perspective on episode 372, divorce and co parenting Episode 384. Bipolar disorder. If you think you'd be a good person to be on a feature after dark episode, send me a note at Scott at Juicebox podcast.com. Thanks so much for listening. Hey, thanks for the great ratings and reviews that I've gotten recently on Apple podcasts. It's great to see you guys all coming into the private Facebook group. That's been really exciting. There's a link in the show notes to that. I think we're up to about 6500 people in there now. great conversations. And what else? I think that's it. I really appreciate you listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode.

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