#384 After Dark: Bipolar Disorder

September 21, 2020Scott Benner

ADULT TOPIC WARNING

Jonathan offers a raw look into his life with mental illness and Type 1 diabetes during this interview with Scott, which gives a 90-minute glimpse into the complications of living with poor mental and physical health. Jonathan shares his family history, stories of multiple suicide attempts and surviving DKA. He is a thoughtful young adult who calmly discusses his past and the turning point for choosing to live a healthier life with T1D.

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:13
Hello friends and welcome to Episode 384 of the Juicebox Podcast. This episode is also the eighth in the after dark series. I call them after dark because they're topics that don't normally see the light of day. we've tackled drinking, weed, smoking, trauma, addiction, sex from both the female and male perspective, depression and self harm, divorce and co parenting. And today's episode is with Jonathan. Jonathan, among other things, has bipolar disorder, ADHD and depression. He also has type one diabetes. He's been in decay a number of times, and has had a couple of failed suicide attempts. Jonathan's life is going in a different direction now, and he was looking for some conversation about it. And that led to this episode. Please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan. If you're concerned that the topics I've mentioned may bother you, this probably isn't the episode for you. And it very, very likely is not for your child to listen to, at least not alone. I want to thank the sponsors of this episode. dex comm makers of the G six continuous glucose monitor and Omni pod makers of the tubeless insulin pump that my daughter has been using forever and ever and ever. You can get a free no obligation demo of the Omni pod tubeless insulin pump at my Omni pod.com Ford slash juice box Podcast learn more about the Dexcom g six and even to get started. You can go to dexcom.com Ford slash juicebox. There are links in the show notes right there in your podcast player. And at Juicebox podcast.com. When you click the links, you're supporting the show. There are a few little electronic noises in the first number of minutes of the show but we get them worked out.

Jonathan 2:10
I am Jonathan. A lot of people call me john the diabetic kind of grew on that name. I have type one diabetes.

Scott Benner 2:20
JOHN, where do you get john the diabetic from? Is this a girl standing around one day and it comes up? Or how does that happen?

Jonathan 2:28
Um, it was one day with me and my friends were at the bowling alley. And I town a little town I use a little bit and I don't remember exactly what went on. But I did something funny. I remember what it was something to do with a pool table. But they sorry life and stuff I said yes. It's me, john the diabetic and ever since then. It's just been john the diabetic

Scott Benner 3:05
is listen, there's a little bit of an electrical noise behind you. Are you talking to me with your cell phone or with a computer?

Jonathan 3:14
with myself, your cell phone?

Scott Benner 3:15
Okay. It's no big deal. I was just I was wondering if we could move your cell phone away for theater. But if that's Are you near anything else or no? Like electronic?

Jonathan 3:25
No, cool. Okay.

Scott Benner 3:26
All right. So am I to infer that whatever thing you did was silly. And you were you blaming you're like you're like my blood sugar's low or you know how I get it? Was that kind of the vibe? I'm backing up in the in the bowling alley.

Jonathan 3:46
We're sort of talking about the name or Yeah, yeah, I was

Scott Benner 3:50
just wondering like when you responded, you know, um, you know, it's me. I'm john, the diabetic was that because do you do a lot of were you doing a lot of things that were attributed to your diabetes or you just pulled it out of your ass?

Jonathan 4:03
I just pulled it out of my head.

Okay, gotcha. Gotcha. Okay.

Well, listen, you don't worry. I thought I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. Like I ever since I became a diabetic, I've always made it a fun thing. So I weigh when it bring me down. Personally, I see. Because I've met other diabetics that are way worse than me. Like, they would let the diabetes bring them down and stuff. So I decided not to do that.

Scott Benner 4:40
Yeah, just not to be sad about it and those sorts of things. I hear you. Okay, so So how old were you when you were diagnosed?

Jonathan 4:51
I was 12 years old. November the 11th of 2012. I got diagnosed 2012 Okay. November, which is kind of a big deal for me on that day because November the 11th of 2011. My grandma had passed away from type one diabetes. So and how old is your toll on me is

Scott Benner 5:21
doing now I was just gonna ask you How old was your? Did your grandmother have type one her entire life?

Jonathan 5:28
Yes, she did. Okay. And I believe she was 62 when she passed. Okay.

Scott Benner 5:34
All right. So she passed from like, I mean, you were young back then. Do you even know? Is it complicated? Do they call it complications of type one? Or did she have something specific, like a heart attack? Or what do you remember happened?

Jonathan 5:47
My My mom told me that it was complications of heart of her heart. She said her heart gave out. I don't exactly know what happened. But my mom's mom says is because her heart gave out now. I don't know. If I believe you know, yeah, sure. I don't know if it was because of that. We're the type one diabetes, but it's very possible that my mom told me it was just because her heart.

Scott Benner 6:24
Yeah. To keep me like, not upset about it, I guess. Oh, I see. Not the thing that maybe the diabetes is what what would help her under life early? And I say maybe your mom was protecting you. But no, I mean, now you know, you're older, the type one. If it's, you know, it could affect your, you know, her heart. And you could end up having a heart attack. But the heart attack might be facilitated by, you know, her blood sugar's being maybe out of whack or high throughout her life. But I'm so sorry. I'm sorry to hear I know, it's a long time ago, but I'm sorry to know that I am even more kind of amazed, as I'm sure you probably were on that day. That one one exact years later, you're diagnosed. You know,

Jonathan 7:08
it took a big toll on me. I was depressed from that day. On to, I want to say, three months ago, two months ago, I think I finally made out of depression. And no, it was a big toll on me really was Tell me

Scott Benner 7:29
tell me how old you are now.

Jonathan 7:32
I am 20. You're 2020 and a half.

Scott Benner 7:35
So through your entire sort of adolescence. You just you you were were you clinically depressed? Were they giving you retaking medication for it?

Jonathan 7:43
No, I was not taking medication for it. I I never did like to go to a therapist or anything or doctors or anything. I was just kind of I don't know what you call people like this. But I guess you'd say I'm one of those people that just deals with stuff by themselves. I guess. Yeah, you

Scott Benner 8:10
kind of just internalized it all and tried to work through it. And how did you? I mean, what were some of the things you did to try to work? It's interesting, right? Like it from 12 years old till till 20 What were some of the things you tried to do to help yourself?

Jonathan 8:24
One was smoking marijuana. I was one that, uh, that kind of helped. Actually. I smoked since this last May though. I kind of gave up on it. But smoking? Well, when I was a kid from like 12 to 16 I was taking this medication called Depakote because I was originally put on it for my anger issues when I was a little kid. Okay, that kind of like, helped a little bit because it's a mood stabilizer and

Scott Benner 9:01
around that around the Depakote was that prior to the diabetes diagnosis.

Jonathan 9:08
That was actually that was actually before I got put on that in 2009. Okay. And I was taking it from 2009 to, I want to say 2016 because 2015 I started having seizures really bad. And the doctor that put me on it told me that TEPCO helps with seizures too. But I found out that Depakote actually causes seizures as well. It depends on I guess he said, or I looked up on a documentary and stuff about it is depending on how much milligrams of it you take, depends on the outcome pretty much. Then we take in 1500 milligrams of Depakote a day What? Because I used to have seizures, right? And when 2016 hit, I was having seizures like every once a month, every two months, something like that, you know? And I finally just quit taking it. And I switched over to marijuana.

Scott Benner 10:18
Well, so I'm looking here because you're talking about things i don't i don't know about and it is it's very interesting. Depakote is an you know, an anticonvulsant. So it's prescribed for seizures. It's also prescribed for bipolar disorder, but doesn't an end can also help prevent migraines, it says, seems like it has a couple of different uses. And you were given it specifically for the seizures

Jonathan 10:44
specific. I was actually given it for the bipolar and ADHD. And then like a year later, we found out I helpless seizures. And so I stayed on it because I had seizures growing up. Gotcha. Like, are you are having lost five oh my god, I had one when I was 10 had one when I was 15. And then as soon as I turned 16 I just had them like every month, every two months. And all that became more frequent. Okay.

Scott Benner 11:15
Have you been diagnosed with bipolar disorder?

Jonathan 11:18
Yes, I have. Okay. I've been diagnosed with bipolar, ADHD, a DD and ADHD I, which I don't know if you know what that is not too many people do. I don't

Scott Benner 11:31
jump out when to do for me, can you tell me about it?

Jonathan 11:34
What it is, is you do stuff on impulse. You do stuff without thinking. And that does not make I could tell you right now that does not mix well with bipolar ADHD at all. I don't think it's a thing. But the doctor told me that it was. I don't know.

Scott Benner 11:57
Okay. All right. So I'm gonna ask you a question in a second. But before I do, I want to real quick disconnect the zoom and reconnect it just to see if I can get the noise out of it. Okay, and so I'm literally gonna hang up on and and reopen it right away. So you can click back into the link in like, 20 seconds. All right. Cool. So hopefully, this will do something. If it doesn't, I'm gonna live with it. I just wanted to it was worth a shot. You know what I mean? Right, right. Okay. So all right. I, I'd like if you can you explain to me how bipolar affects your life? Like, what is it? How does it kind of ebbs and flows? Am I right, you have different kind of segments of experiences.

Jonathan 12:37
So for example, when I was five years old, is I was in kindergarten, it was pajama day. My mom doesn't believe in wear pajamas to school, I wore my pajamas, and she told me Get ready for school. I told her I was ready. She said I wasn't gonna go to school in pajamas. So I went to the bus stop anyway, as she picked me up, took me home and said, You're not going to school and unless you get real closer. So I went to my room, and I had a metal bed frame. And I just bang my head on it, like bang my head on it. And because the bipolar that at that time, the bipolar took over, um, and my head was bleeding, and pretty bad. Because of it. She ran in there, it was like, What the heck, john, what the heck. And she took me to the ER, so cuz it was bleeding back. But that's the worst incident I've had because of that. I've had my moments where I would just flip out for no reason, or something. But, uh, over the years, I started to learn how to control it. I had a anger breakthrough, I guess you would say, in the last year and a half, two years, maybe. Okay. Which I'm really surprised. I mean, I still have my moments where I want to just hit on a wall or something or destroy something, you know, but I keep I keep calm about it. And I learned how to control it.

Scott Benner 14:34
Do you experience sort of the classic signs of like, you know, kind of high energy make like the mania where you don't really need to sleep and you kind of lose touch with reality. And then is there a depressive side of it? Where you're kind of more low energy. Does that sound familiar to you? Or does it not?

Jonathan 14:51
Yes. I have that a lot. Actually. I didn't even know that was a thing actually. But um, Yes, um, so like, some days I'll wake up, and I just, I just have those mornings where like, I don't want to do anything. I don't have the energy for anything. All I do asleep.

Scott Benner 15:23
Can those times go on for like long periods like weeks and months?

Jonathan 15:27
Yes, yes. Okay. I think last month, last month was pretty bad about that. I mean, I went to work and stuff, but I would go to work from three to 10, because I closed but I would go to work for like, five days a week. And then after, as soon as I will get off, I would go straight to bed and asleep to one or two. Get up, stay in my bed. And then 30 minutes before I had work, I would go to work. And then repeat. You just you just

Scott Benner 16:06
having to do it out of necessity. You need the money, you need the job. So you're forcing yourself to

Jonathan 16:11
do it. Yeah. Okay.

Scott Benner 16:12
And so, do you see a doctor for the bipolar?

Jonathan 16:17
No, um, I, the last time I seen a doctor for any of that was, I think I was eight. Or no, I was nine. Yeah, I was nine. I'm always seeing him for a year and a half. After that. I told my mom, I never wanted to go see another one. Um, I don't know why I'm like that. I just don't like talking to the therapists or doctors about that stuff. Like to figure it out on my own, which I probably should go see a doctor for it. I probably should. Well,

Scott Benner 16:56
yeah, I mean, I know someone who, who has bipolar. And it took them a fair amount of time, like, I'm not gonna lie to you, they didn't walk into a doctor's office didn't just come out with the answer, but they found a good doctor and have had like real, like real breakthroughs with with medication. It's funny, as you're saying, if they have ADHD, as well, this person I'm talking about, I don't see them getting angry, or, or they don't hurt themselves, like banging their head on things or anything like that. But they do get really kind of internal sometimes, you know, and you don't see them for long periods. When they come back, they kind of look like they haven't kept themselves up for a while, like just, you know, like, visually hair, nails, like things like that, you know, like, learn little things. Yeah, I mean, do you have healthcare?

Jonathan 17:50
loans? Yes. I had a Medicaid for when I was a kid. I had that too. I was a teen or just turned 19. And they finally dropped it. And then I got put on in home health care, home health care. And I was only on that for about six months, and then they dropped that. Why they never told me. Um, I was 19 and a half. And I had no insurance, no way to get my insulin and no way to get my diabetic supplies. I was bouncing from job to job at the time. Okay. And because I was I was so depressed. I didn't want to work. But same time, I just, I just worked for like a week just to get a check so that I can go get the stuff I need. Yeah. And that was a hard time in my life.

One of the hard times anyway, but

I started going to Walmart because they have this insulin called 7030. And I don't know if you know what that is.

Scott Benner 19:10
I know Walmart has a cheaper insulin, that it's very it's for

Jonathan 19:13
a rehash it costs $23 and stuff. Yeah. But I was buying that and using that what it is, is the long lysine short lysine insulin mixed. And that insulin I didn't know how to use properly because I could I didn't see no doctors because I had no insurance and I didn't want to see a doctor and not have insurance

Scott Benner 19:42
because then build up adds up. Yeah, no kidding.

Jonathan 19:48
So I didn't see a doctor for almost two years.

I was just doing the stuff on my own everything. I kept up pretty with it. Pretty good. I did do that. And then I moved to another town, which is where my mom lives now. It was just like two hours from where I was living. But I went, I came up here and I set up a doctor and stuff because I figured it's time to start taking action because I started feeling really crappy every day. I'm just not enough energy film week, all the time. All that you know, so I set up a doctor, and they got me a Medicaid and all that. Now I'm getting insolate and stuff. I'll have to pay for it now, um, which is a relief. I have a doctor now. I'm taking care of myself better now. Good for you. I just started seeing the doctor. I want to say June this recent June. Oh, that's it. It's recently Yeah,

Scott Benner 21:09
I for people listening it. That's just two months ago, when we're talking now.

Jonathan 21:14
Back in January, I think at the end of January, I went into DK diabetic ketoacidosis. Um, it was the worst feeling I've ever felt in my life. It felt like the devils inside of me just tears ripping me apart. My chest was burning. It felt like my chest was getting torn apart. I couldn't breathe. My shoulders and arms. I couldn't lift them because they hurt so bad. And my buddy Mikey, we're going to the store and I felt like that and one of the workers at Walmart. He was a diabetic. And he said, he seen a job down to the ground. He asked me if I was okay. I see my diabetic tattoo on my arm. And he said, What are you feeling? I told him, and he said, You need to go to the hospital now. And I was like, What do you mean, what's going on? And he's like, I'm a diabetic, too. And you need to go now. And so he picks me up over shoulders. And him on my body got in my buddy's car and put me in there. And this worker just walked off his shift to save me as I thought that was the most

crazy thing ever.

Scott Benner 22:49
Jonathan, I gotta tell you, it's made me cry a little bit. So yeah, yeah, that's really something.

Jonathan 22:55
So as we went to the ER, and when we got there, they're like, what's going on? I told him, I need to see a doctor now. I feel like I'm dying. And they they got me back there. There was 10 people in the waiting room. I felt so bad for two. There's 10 people before me, but they put me before them. 10 people, I felt so bad for it. But they said you're you're about to die. You were number one at that moment in time. And I thank them for it. But I still feel bad points.

Scott Benner 23:32
That's just how that works. Man. That's, that's there's nothing wrong with that.

Jonathan 23:35
I was in the hospital for two days for that. And they had me stuck up to IVs or all that, you know, procedures.

And then they finally let me out.

Scott Benner 23:50
Is that sort of the moment that brought you to like, I'm gonna, like pay closer attention to my type one or like you're even talking about kind of feeling like you snapped out of some depression at that point, too. What do you think happened?

Jonathan 24:03
I was I mean, I've been close to death more than once. But that right there. That that got to me. It made me open my eyes and made me more alive than what I was. I guess you would say, Okay, I'm

I'm tearing up right now. I am just Geez.

But it It made me open my eyes to reality. And I was like I need I need to start doing this. I need to start taking care of myself because I had a cousin. His name was he had type one diabetes and he has seizures too. And he died at age 26. I believe because he didn't Take care of himself properly, like I wasn't.

And

I started to check my blood sugars and stuff because I never really checked my blood sugar since I want to say since I was 16

I think a lot of that had to do with marijuana.

Scott Benner 25:20
But how so you just kind of you just felt so chilled. You didn't care?

Jonathan 25:26
Or Yep, yep. And that's why I kind of gave up on it back in this last night because I, I I finally realized that when I'm high on marijuana, I don't care about anything, not even myself. I just chill and, and do whatever. And I realize I can't do that. I cannot do that. Yeah. It takes a level of you have to be interested in your diabetes, that's for sure. Yes, yes. And I've learned a lot this year. This year was the most I've learned about my self and my diabetes and anytime in my life.

Scott Benner 26:11
We had a lockout you have a lot going on, man. I'm Are you you're back closer to your mom now. Is that right? Yes.

Jonathan 26:18
actually moved up to so I was living in a town name. And last year, when my son's mother broke it off, which was August 26. Was x today's officially used it's me and her husband split. Which That's ironic, too. I moved up here, the 27th of august of 2019.

Which is close to

and march 12. Yeah, March 12. I went back down to for my son's birth. And I got stuck down there for a couple months. And in this last May, I came back up to to my mom's and

I've been living up here since

Scott Benner 27:16
then. Your boy is five months old. Now. This coming? 12th he will be six months six. He'll be six months really soon. Well, congratulations. Thank you. Yeah, he's healthy. Everything's good.

Jonathan 27:27
Yes, he's very healthy. Um, he he looks a lot like me. I can't I cannot believe how much he looked like me.

Strange, isn't it? Right?

Scott Benner 27:38
Yeah. Wait, it'll 20 years from now. And he's saying to you that you're just like, Ah, that's something I would have said to my mom. Right. But we want to get we want to get you to 20 years from now, Jonathan. Right. Right. Sounds like you want to be there too. So, you know, listen, I, it's hard for me not to think while we're talking that you are discussing health and life issues with me. And, and when you're talking about them, I feel like you have the problems of you know, somebody in their mid 30s. And at the same time, you're the same age as my son who, you know, we almost don't let be in charge of anything. So, yeah, he's got very limited, um, you know, he goes to school, and he, and he takes care of his, you know, his physical self on his own, he has friends and but we're not putting he's not in charge of understanding bipolar disorder. All the ABS and ages and all that you have, and, you know, hasn't tried to manage a serious health condition with marijuana. And, and, you know, have type one diabetes, you have a lot going on man, like you need. I think you found some grounded points, which is, is great, but I think you really need some support from people who can kind of help guide you a little bit. So let's start with is your mom that person? Or is she not the kind of person we put in charge of something like this?

Jonathan 29:02
Um, she could be somebody that we could put in charge for that. Good, but Me, me and my mom have a lot of issues that we don't talk about. So I, I involve her? Not as much as I probably should. But I pretty much just do it on my own. Yeah.

Scott Benner 29:28
Well, I think that I listen involving your mom creates different problems. You know, we can't just trade one issue for the other. That's not gonna. It's not really gonna help you at all. How did you find me? Like, why are we talking right now? How

Jonathan 29:42
did that happen? I'm actually, uh, I got on Pandora. And I was sorry. I was looking at podcasts. And I came across juice box. I didn't know what it was at all. So I listened to one of them. I don't remember what episode it was. I think is in the three hundreds. But it was the self hormone. But where that chick was talking about self harm and stuff, yeah. I listened to that. And that made me cry that that that made me cry. Um, and at the end of the podcast, well, I listened to a couple of them. I don't remember which one it was, but at the end of one of them said, If you said, if you have type one diabetes or know of somebody with Type One Diabetes, I would like to have an interview or talk to them or something you just reached out. I went on to, I found and I actually typed in your name on Facebook, because I found out your name was Scott Benner. And I went to see if you're on Facebook, and he was, and that's when I swung you that first time.

Scott Benner 30:56
That's right. You messaged me on Facebook. That's right. Well, so did listening to her talk about her issues. Did you feel like some commonality with it? Did you have similar feelings? Or no?

Jonathan 31:09
I felt what she was going through. I mean, I never I never.

I'm not trying to put her business out there.

Scott Benner 31:17
They she, she already did it. It's okay. It's enough as such, she knows. But

Jonathan 31:22
I mean, I have a, I've never cut myself. I never, I couldn't say self harm myself. But I never did those things. Okay. Because I have tried to sell for myself, just not in those type of way. But I understood what she was going through. Me and her go through different things, as I can tell, but I can relate to what she's going to they're going through. And that that hit me really hard. And

Scott Benner 32:03
I think it hit everybody pretty hard. Jonathan, to be honest with you. I think that everybody that heard it felt that way too. But you have more of a maybe you have a little more of a connection to the, to the feeling then than some others do.

Jonathan 32:15
Yes. And

I, I felt the way she was talking to you, and how comfortable she felt talking to you. And so, and I, and you seemed like a pretty understanding guy and stuff, you know. So I was like, maybe, maybe this can help a little bit. Cool.

Scott Benner 32:40
Well, I hope again, I i think i think we're on our way to under I think I understand, you know the the basic overview of your situation. I did want to ask though, just a second ago, you said you you've tried to hurt yourself, but not in that way. What have you done? Alright, let's take a little break. I'll tell you a little bit about the Omni pod tubeless insulin pump. It is just that an insulin pump with no tubing. Be clear about what that means. There's no infusion site on your body that leads to a thing that you have to carry a controller or you know the thing holding the insolent. Sometimes you'll see people's tubing run all through their clothing. And you know, they've got to hang this thing on their belt. None of that happens with the Omni pod. The Omni pod is one device, it is self contained. It goes right on the body, and the insulin is right there with it. So there's no tubing or controller to lead back to. How could that be. Because the controller you'll use for the Omni pod is wireless. It just goes in your pocket or in your bag. But it's not connected to you, you're not gonna have to stuff it in your bra. Wear down your shorts are in your pocket or in your sock. You can just you know, carry it the way you carry things. be normal. I love the Omni pod tubeless insulin pump for my daughter because she can bathe with it, swim with it and be active with it constantly getting the basal insulin that she needs. There's no disconnecting for soccer, softball, working out at the gym, you're always getting the insulin the way you're meant to. It's a huge thing. Too many times we talk ourselves into believing it's okay to disconnect for an hour or two I have to because you know I'm doing something active but that's really not the way to go. And with the Omni pod, you don't have to, you don't even have to take my word for how this works. Because on the pod, we'll send you a free, no obligation demo right in the mail. All you have to do is go to my Omni pod.com forward slash juice box fill in a tiny bit of information about yourself and the pod experience kit will show up right at your door. You can try it on and wear it. Go take that swim. See what you think. And if you don't like it doesn't matter because there's no obligation It didn't cost you a cent. I'm going to tell you about something that just happened here in the house. Arden had to change her pump. So she changed her pump. She's zoom learning right now, you know, she's doing the school online. And she's in a room by herself kind of quietly and I was trying not to bother. And her blood sugar started to go up at the site change. So we weren't able to make an adjustment to it until right around 190 blood sugar. So the new pods on right we're bolusing trying to get it down, but she kind of ends up leveling out at 200. Now she's done school and she's hungry. She wants soup with crackers. She's gonna have a couple of potato chips. She tells me this is like 70 carbs, but her blood sugar's 200. What do I do? She's hungry right now she doesn't eat normally. I'm able to make a bolus for the correction plus the food a full bolus on top of that 200 blood sugar. And then watch as Arden's blood sugar comes down right there on her Dexcom g sex at the exact right time I give her the food. I'm gonna catch the drop of the insulin with the food and level are out. And I can do that because I can see her blood sugar. That's just one way I use the Dexcom g six continuous glucose monitor. There's plenty of other ways. That is just one way I use it. I'm looking right now at her blood sugar's 115. And still diagnol down and it's indicating that it's falling still slightly. But I love that because I gave Arden her food at 150. This is going to level out. It's going to be amazing. Head to dexcom.com Ford slash juice box to find out more about the Dexcom g six you can learn about no finger sticks about direction arrows alarms to tell you when you're leaving ranges that you set. And the share feature which allows people with an Android or iPhone to follow a loved one with Type One Diabetes. And look at this Arden's blood sugar still indicating diagonal down but it's now at 119 which means we are leveling off. Her foods been going in for about the last 20 minutes. But the insulin has been active for over 45 minutes. That is not something I could have done blindly. I needed the Dexcom g six for that. And you know I made that Bolus with an omni pod, right. Alright, let's get back to Jonathan. links in the show notes at Juicebox podcast.com. For these and all of the sponsors. Just a second ago you said you you've tried to hurt yourself, but not in that way. What have you done?

Jonathan 37:29
Um, uh, I, I this is gonna be hard.

I was living in

the town I was living in, I got so depressed that my mom don't even know this. And I don't know if I have the heart to tell her this way. It happened back in 20s, the beginning of 2017 I do believe. But I tried to hang myself. Um, and it obviously didn't work. The knot somehow got untied when I kicked the little milk crate out from underneath me. And while there's a couple milk crates, but that I was hanging there for a minute, and I thought it was gonna hold. And then finally I just dropped down to the ground. I was like, it ain't my time. It's not my time. And it it was another year from that 2018 sometime in 2018. My brother he had a 12 gauge shotgun. And

I loaded a

bullet in it. And

I pulled the trigger. And that was when I was on all all the narcotics and jugs and stuff. But I I pulled the trigger, but it clicked. And it was it was a good show. There was nothing wrong with the gun the gun wasn't dirty, nothing. But all it did was just click and that that that time I officially knew it wasn't my time

because that gun should have went off

and it did it and I think the higher power for not going off. But when as soon as I pulled that trigger. A second later, my brother walked in He, he, he flipped out. He, he did he vow he about dropped to the ground and didn't know what to do or say. But that those are the times I I tried to self harm myself on that the other time was when I got on Tinder kardex and a jobs really bad. The worst drug I did was a meth.

I never did heroin.

But I was on meth really bad. And the only reason was, is because I was so depressed. I was trying to give up on life. And I thought figured that would be a not a good way, but a way to go out, I guess. Um, since the gun thing didn't work. Um

Scott Benner 41:11
Hey, man, take your time. Listen, you're doing great. First. Don't be sorry. You kidding me? You just said more difficult things in three minutes than I've ever admitted to in my entire life. So I'm, you're doing a terrific job. What I wanted to say was, is that so at the time of the of your first your first attempt, I guess is is with the rope. Were you using then?

Jonathan 41:37
No, no, not that was probably.

That was probably six months before I start using.

Scott Benner 41:44
So that was just a depressed moment in.

Jonathan 41:47
Yeah, that was just a depressing moment.

Luckily, it did it. That not came on time. Luckily, yeah, not came on time. Well, no,

Scott Benner 42:00
but let me let me let me say this man, if you if you're bipolar, and you're experiencing waves of depression, and then waves of, you know, they call it mania sometimes, but there's also normal times too. there's times where you're just you're not, you know, you're not like, full of energy and running around. And you're also not depressed, where you just kind of feel like it's what normal would feel like, do you feel like you feel normal right now? Yes, yes. So I'm thinking man, I'm not with you. And I'm never gonna be able to be with you. We obviously don't live anywhere near each other. But in this moment of normalcy for you, like I think you have to get to someone that can help you manage the bipolar piece, because everything else tumbles around that from your description, right? Like when you're when you're feeling depressed, you can feel suicidal, you can stop taking care of your blood sugar's you can, you know, there's all these are the things that are happening, but if you could get on a good, a good plan, and God knows I'm not the right one to tell you about it. But But my my limited experience with this would be that there are medications that can help take the craziness out of the highs, like you know, cut a little bit of the highs and take the Depression of the lows, and allow you to find the the middle more often. And I don't know that you won't struggle still as you're figuring it out. But at the very least you won't, you won't try to hurt yourself, you know, what would be the goal, I think Does your mom have this to

Jonathan 43:39
do what

Scott Benner 43:39
does anyone else in your family have bipolar?

Jonathan 43:42
Um, my mom does, it runs really bad in my family. And my sister, she has bipolar. She just got diagnosed with schizophrenia, too. And personality, or a

split personality, okay, or

Scott Benner 44:03
what? Listen, you're gonna you you need to worry about yourself and you need to be the unit, you need to be the first person in your family to, to address this head on and try to put an end to it. Because Do you could find an answer that could end up helping someone else in your family one day. I mean, I hope your son never suffers like this. But imagine, imagine if he does, and you you already know how to help him. Right? Because that's where you're stuck right now is you have so many people stacked up in front of you, who are supposed to be your support system who are already suffering the way you are, and through no fault of their own. They can't help you either. They've got their own struggle, but but maybe you can find an answer. And maybe you could help yourself first and then and then maybe be maybe you could be the person that helps other people. You know, I think that's a really that's a really decent goal to have, you know, for yourself personally, but then, you know, answers. I know it sounds silly, but, you know, I, I have like, you know, health problems that are, of course, nowhere near the ones you're describing. But I sometimes think that I work at them as hard as I do. As much for my kids in case they get those problems as I do for myself, like, I want to find the answer. So they don't waste their life looking for one if that makes sense. Right? You know, I and in your Listen, you found a good spot here, you had some things happen to you that that kind of shook you and are making you think of things differently. I think while you're thinking of things differently, and you're, you're you're working on things, this is the time to, to try to like take a big swing and figure something out. You know what I mean? Yes, yeah. How are you doing with your blood sugar's and everything like, how's that going?

Jonathan 45:52
Um, so like I said, I haven't really checked my blood sugar's since I was 16. Until

this reset.

is, right. Yeah.

Scott Benner 46:07
But But how's it? I'm just talking about those couple months. Like, how are you doing?

Jonathan 46:13
Um, I'm doing a lot better. I mean, the first month was kind of touchy. My blood sugar's were always high, a lot. run from 250 to 500. And then finally, like, I'm, like, second month, the second month, I, they started running about, I want to say 172.

To two ad 300. And that's

Scott Benner 46:51
way better than Yeah,

Jonathan 46:53
yeah. And then this last month, this last month, it's been, it's been staying in the hundreds every now and then it will be up above 200. But a bit up above 300. Looking at you for this last month.

Scott Benner 47:10
First of all, congratulations. That's really well done. And thank you, you know, you're very welcome. And is it? Is it helping you feel better? I mean, it has to be helping you feel better, right?

Jonathan 47:22
Yes, yes. I'm not feeling drowsy all the time. Not feeling weak anymore. I've I've actually been going out at night, and after work or something, and walk this trail we got down in the cold, bro. It goes to six, seven different towns and cities here, but oh, I'll just walk through one. That's the town I'm in. I walked out for about three, four hours every night with a friend of mine. And I think that's been helping me a lot of I've been in a lot more healthy to for you. I've been eating a lot of salads, a lot of eggs, protein. And I've been eating a lot of meat. And now I feel really feel healthier. That's excellent. I really do. This all came just from your dk scarin. Walmart.

I'm somewhat

somewhat, I had two more decades after the one in January. I had one in I want to say April. Yeah, it was April. It was two weeks before my birthday. I had one I was down in the town I used to live in at that time. Um, I I was throwing up and my little brother when I say I my brothers, they're not actually my blood brothers. It's just

really good friend boys. Yeah,

yeah. But anyway, one of my little brothers he asked me if I was okay and I said yeah I just don't feel good and stone off that's it. You know, I think I something bad boy. And because I literally thought I ate something bad. And I was just throwing it up. But an hour after I've sewn up, I my chest start hurting my arms and like what happened the first time started happening again.

Scott Benner 49:46
Yeah. So you knew when it was done.

Jonathan 49:49
I couldn't move. I could not move. It was much worse this time than it was the first time and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't even catch my breath. And my brother came in there an hour later stuff. When all that stuff happened, we're starting to happen. And he said, john, you're not okay. And he put me and his mom's car and carried me to his mom's car drugged me. But, uh, and he, he's only 16. He didn't have a driver's license often, but he drove me to the hospital. And the hospital took care of me. I was in there for a couple days, you know, procedures. And then this last time, the third time was, it was actually three weeks, I want to say two or three weeks before I texted you, that first message. I woke up, or I had to work the day before, but I woke up at 12 at night. I remember I threw up and I veggie burger. I never had a veggie burger. But I ate one. So I thought I'd angry my stomach. Gotcha. So I threw up, I felt Okay, after that went back to bed. Six o'clock rolled around. I was supposed to be at work by a a, or no nine. I was supposed to be at work by nine by six o'clock rolled around. And I got up and I went to the bathroom. As soon as I got done using the bathroom, I went to go to my bed to lay down for another hour. And as soon as I laid on my bed, I just threw up everywhere. After that,

excuse me. After that.

I started feeling the chest pain and stuff. And I said this ain't right. This is not right. So I banged on my mom's bedroom door said mom get up now I need to go to the hospital now. And she was like, she didn't know what was going on. And she was half asleep, you know? And I told her call 911 now tell him I need everyone. It's because I already knew what was going on. Yeah, and I was gonna play around this time, I was gonna try play with it. Um, firetruck neighborhood showed up. And I couldn't, I was trying to keep calling about it. I was learning I learned from the first two, to not overreact about it to keep calm and slow breathing. And so that's what I was doing. I was still trying to catch my breath and stuff, you know, but I was keeping calm about it. And that one wasn't as bad as the first or second one. But the second one was the worst one I've went through. Well, let's let's have only I've only had three decades. And they were all this year. Yeah,

Scott Benner 53:12
I was gonna say let's focus on the price. Never having a fourth one. That's that's a neat, that's an end goal like you're after right? So what are you doing now to stop that? I mean, you've got these incredibly you know, improved blood sugars like what is it? You're doing now? You're eating better? You you're checking your blood sugar more frequently taking your insulin?

Jonathan 53:32
Yes, I checked my blood sugar every time I or at least 15 minutes before I eat. Um, I check it an hour and a half to two hours after I eat. And then I check it every pretty much I check it probably every two to three hours because I found out my blood sugar's like to skyrocket in a matter of minutes. Yeah. So I keep on top of it now. I take 50 units of a level

every morning.

And then I take I'm on a sliding scale so whatever my blood sugar is depends on however much insulin I take. Okay,

Scott Benner 54:28
yeah, I and and are you still using the Walmart than overland? No, no, you're using 11 year now and like

Jonathan 54:37
I'm using what the doctor prescribed Great, great. My short term, which is the one I take for the science scale is no vlog. And then my long term is loving here.

Scott Benner 54:48
Gotcha. Yeah, I'm sorry Nova or Nova Lin is a mix of the two I don't know. I you know what? It's funny. The word sliding scale made me think of like an older management styles like regular and mph Your management style. Right? But that's, that's really interesting. I wonder, now are you seeing? Obviously you're seeing a doctor? Are they checking your a one sees for you when you go in? Yes, yes, I see him every three months.

Jonathan 55:14
Actually October I had October 1, I got going for my next appointment. I see him every month or every three months. Do you

Scott Benner 55:23
remember what your lack? anyone see my,

Jonathan 55:25
my last one was 8.9. Okay. The highest spines ever been? was a thing is 14.1 which is really really hot. Yeah.

Scott Benner 55:38
What do you think it might be this time? Are you hoping for something in the sevens?

Jonathan 55:44
Yes, I'm hoping at least 7.302 that's a fascinating number for that.

Scott Benner 55:51
I like that. You're focused on that. That's, that's really cool. I think you're definitely going to get a decrease. Yes. And and are you experiencing a lot of

Jonathan 55:59
like lows? I'm not really go.

My butcher doesn't like to go well. I'm a always likes to go high for some reason. I'm the lowest I have ever been. No. I was in sixth grade. I was walking and talking just just like I always do you know, huh? And, uh, it was down to 15. Wow, that's low. You didn't have a season the nurse. The nurse told me she was like, you shouldn't even be walking right now, let alone talking. I was like, when you mean stone water was also shocked. Yeah.

Scott Benner 56:42
So look, I'm a little kid, stop talking to me and help me. Right? Well, listen, if you're, you know, if you come in next time, with a seven point, you know, whatever, that's amazing. If you're not getting low, you just haven't used too much insulin. But there's more space in there for you, you know, to be slightly more aggressive and to get to where you're trying to be because listen, getting your blood sugar's lower and stable, it really is going to make you feel a ton better. And when you already have other issues that kind of mess with the way your your heads working, you don't need another thing making you feel cloudy, or, you know, confused or anything like that, like, you know, you got enough going on, you don't need another thing. So so I think managing your blood sugars is a great way of feeling better. And then, you know, I can't I mean, listen, I'm not your dad, right? But I would, if you've got insurance right now, man, I would find a psychiatrist to help you with the bipolar. You don't want to just go to a general doctor. And I'm not saying psychiatrists, like, you know, you're crazy. Like I'm not saying it like that. These are just people who really understand these drugs and specific brain issues, right? Because if you could find a course of treatment, that would keep your like I said, keep your bipolar, the highs from being too high and the lows from being too low and keep you more in the middle. That plus your blood sugar's being better, man. That's a it's a 300,000% improvement your life. You know, it sounds like you want like, I'm not wrong, right? You. You don't want to die. You're not looking at how you're trying to keep yourself going. Right? Yes, yeah. That's the way man like, like getting those those two things. More. I don't want to say under control, but but having a good understanding of them so that you can manage them better. I think those are the pathways to you doing better, being alive for a long time and finding answers for yourself and being around for your son and everything else, you know?

Jonathan 58:56
Yes. Yeah. After my son was born, I held him and stuff of these point. It that kind of helped me open my eyes more. Um, I didn't want to die anymore, that I didn't want to do crazy stuff anymore. Like jugs or whatever. Yeah. Um, I wanted because him looking me in the eye when I held him. It was a feeling that no one can ever feel until that moment, you know? Yeah, really is something isn't it? I'm sure you know what I'm talking

Unknown Speaker 59:39
about. Right? Oh.

Jonathan 59:43
I cried. I really did. And, but seeing him in my arms and stuff and smiling at me. It changed my perspective on life. Yeah, I guess I did one die anymore. I wanted to To be something I wanted to be there for him. I wanted him to remember me as he went through a lot of stuff. But Parma language, will believe it or he wouldn't have. He went through a lot of stuff. And he's still here. And he's bettered his self. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:00:22
Imagine you have a real opportunity. He's a druggie or something, you know, no, but you have a real opportunity to set up a life for him. That's just so much better than yours. You know what I mean? And yes, and that is the that's the goal. That it really is, I genuinely think that, you know, I don't think there's much I wouldn't do for my family. And, you know, and I think that right now, the best thing you could do for yours is, is to take care of your health, so that you can start making bigger decisions so you can get, you know, jobs that aren't just like week long jobs with their jobs that you you know, can grow in and make some more money and have more stability, make sure you get health insurance for yourself. You know, stuff like that. I love that you're eating better. I like that you're getting out and exercising that you got a group of guys that that sound like they got your back. You know, you haven't you haven't been How long has it been since you used?

Jonathan 1:01:18
A used? Like heavier narcotics?

Yeah. Um, let's see, um,

it was tomorrow will be a full year since I've used the date the data, or no, actually, tonight, actually, when my son's mother broke it off with me and stuff. I felt like my heart was ripped out. And so

Scott Benner 1:01:48
is that why

Jonathan 1:01:48
wait and

Scott Benner 1:01:50
do what is that why she broke up with you?

Jonathan 1:01:54
Know, uh, because I was actually clean at that time. I was actually almost a year clean. Um, but she, she

just fell out of love with me. So

that's what she said, anyway, but,

Scott Benner 1:02:13
girls? Tough. Yeah.

Jonathan 1:02:18
But that night, I just felt like, my whole life got taken away from me. So I were in USD, that night, which was August 27 26th. of 2019. Before that, it was I think, October 2018. Somewhere in there, I was the last day I used. Now's the time I put it, put the pipe down. I never shut up. I wouldn't ever do that. But I put I put the pipe down. And side. I can't I can't do it. I regretted doing it when she broke it off. And I've never used since that day, and I never will use again. There's a simple fact. I can't I can't let my son know that. I mean, he's gonna find out visually, you know?

Scott Benner 1:03:20
I'm sure you don't want to be the one to show. I

Jonathan 1:03:22
don't want him to Yeah, I don't want him to see me.

Scott Benner 1:03:26
Go through that. You know, did you've been through a lot? Yeah, seriously, let me talk to you for a second from the time you're 12 to now is only eight years, it's half your life almost. You've been through more than most people are going to be through in their entire lives, maybe two lifetimes. And the fact that you're standing here.

Jonathan 1:03:43
Everybody says that. And it blows my mind. Because I I feel like they're there. There should be they're probably there most likely is more people out there. In my situation, you know, not the exact situation, but you know what I mean? And it just blows my mind when people tell me that, um, I, I've been told I have a metallic mindset of a 40 year old. And from many, many people, and a lot of times I don't see it, you know, but it just blows my mind when people say that it really does.

Scott Benner 1:04:25
Well, my my point is that you've got a lot of experience, you've made a lot of decisions about what's right and wrong, like you're building your own structure of, of how to live like so when no one gives it to you when you're young right? When no one tells you this is right. This is wrong. You know, gives you an example of how to work your days how to take care of your your health. You're left to figure that out on your own. And to be perfectly honest with you, a 1213 1415 year old kid is not equipped to figure that out and if that kid happens to be bipolar. They're definitely not equipped to figure that out. So here's the way I would look at you, man, somehow, against the odds, you're still here, you tried to kill yourself a couple of times, you didn't take care of your blood sugar, you decay a bunch, you use hard enough drugs, you know, you've put yourself in situations. And here you are, like you said, You're still standing here. That's, that's enough of a reason to want to keep going. And now you've got some actual experience. And you down can see, you know, these are things I want to do. And these are things I don't want to do. And what I'm saying to you is, get yourself in the care of a physician that can help you with the bipolar thing before the bipolar swings a different way, and knocks you off course, because that could last months. And then you could end up back in DK again, you could get depressed again, you could there's a lot of things that could happen. I'm saying that to me seems like, like, that's the thing to do today. Like, like, forget tomorrow, like, get done with me. Find out what insurance you have. Find a doctor near you that can help you with this and get there. And so that you can tell him the story or her the story that you just told me and and tell him Look, I don't I don't want this. Like I don't want my left to go backwards again. I'm focused. I know what I want. Please help me stay here. That that's that's I think your your next step. I mean, unless you think unless you have a plan that I'm I'm just not aware of.

Jonathan 1:06:24
Oh, no, that sounds really good.

Right? I'm like, cheered up, right? Oh,

Scott Benner 1:06:29
yeah. Like, why why? Like, like, Don't give this away, man. Like, this is a, this is a moment for you. And, you know, and and i think dive in. You know what I mean? Like, I think I think be the person who comes back on this podcast a year from now and it's like, hey, Scott, what's up? You know, I'm, I figured out the bipolar thing that's gone way better. Buy a one season the sixes. I see my son. You know, like, there's there's a lot there for you, man. There's a lot of ceiling. You know what I mean? Like there's a, there's a lot more good in front of you, then, than not like, I don't see why you wouldn't reach for it.

Jonathan 1:07:04
Right? Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:07:06
That's all. I mean, seriously, how many of these things could have taken you down? And none of them did? So. You're only 20? Man. You have no idea? Like, you're like a baby. Yeah, I you wouldn't feel that way. Because you're, you're the oldest you've ever been right now to you. You're the you know, you know, this is this is the end. But this is the beginning. And you just, there's a lot there's a lot of ahead of you that, that it sounds attainable. How? What are you interested in doing for work? Like if you if you had your head about you and you weren't getting, you know, if you weren't feeling depressed and stuff like that? Is there something you'd like to be doing?

Jonathan 1:07:44
Um, I want to, I dropped out of high school, so I never got my high school diploma. Okay, um, I wanted to go get my high school diploma or my GED, and go to college for business, carpentry and welding. And I, I really want like my my main goal is to

not my main one, but my all time goal, I guess,

is to open my own business up for a carpentry work, or welding, or both.

Scott Benner 1:08:21
Yeah. I don't see why you. Have you done those things before you go to them?

Jonathan 1:08:27
Yes, I am very good at them. I used to I, when I was 13. I built a whole house trailer, just from the frame. Well, me and this guy my mom was with. He taught me a lot on carpentry. And me, we just had the frame of old house trailer. Nothing. No walls, nothing. Just a frame. And we built a whole house trailer. on that.

Scott Benner 1:09:02
That's cool. Kind of welding GG. Can you stick and megger? What do you What have you done?

Jonathan 1:09:08
I don't know what kind of welding it is, I think is wire welding or whatever. We got a little gun and it has a wire in it. Yeah, you just pull the trigger. And

Scott Benner 1:09:19
yeah, that's MIG welding. Yeah, that's the end that's incredibly valuable to that that. Yeah. Good for you see, dude. Those are our good, solid, attainable goals. That there's nothing that you haven't said anything that you can't do. You don't I mean, like you I know. It sounds stupid. It really does. Because it doesn't feel apples to apples, though. Hold on a second, but, but I think about it, you're talking to me right now you're gonna be on a podcast that reaches you know, at this point, it's reached millions of people. And, and I just one day said to myself, I'm gonna make this thing. And I know I didn't have to learn to weld to do it. Or, you know, or or get my GED first. But I didn't know what I was doing. I just decided to do it and figured out some steps and started taking them, I started, I did something, I completed it, I moved to the next thing, I completed it, I moved to the next thing, I completed it, and eventually there was a podcast there, and no one was listening to it. And then I just decided this is the right thing to do. I'll keep doing it, it'll grow. And it grew. And it grew. And it grew. Until one day it reached a girl who was hurting herself and depressed, and her life was out of control. And now she's not like that anymore. And her story brought you here, there's no reason why you can't move forward to she just got a job she told me about recently, she's doing really well. And so all she did was go to a doctor, you know, have the balls to go to the doctor walk in there and say What's up, and you've already said it here, you know, you've got the balls to do it, and followed some good advice. And, and things got better for I don't see why you couldn't be you know, have a have an easily have a handyman service that that, you know specializes in welding and, and, and carpentry? I don't I don't see why you couldn't do that.

Jonathan 1:11:15
Um, do you know what? Home advisors? Home advisor?

Scott Benner 1:11:19
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like one of those websites you go to, and you're like, I'm looking to have this fixed, and it tells you people in your area, right? Yo, I'm

Jonathan 1:11:29
within the next month, my plan is within the next month, um, to get on with them. So that way I have side work.

Scott Benner 1:11:40
Yes, in Leeds.

Jonathan 1:11:42
I used to work with them.

Back in 2018. where I used to live, I didn't get any jobs because it was a small area. But, uh, and I stopped working with them because I couldn't keep pay on them and stuff. Well, listen, you also, Jonathan,

Scott Benner 1:12:04
you want to be somebody to who when they show up to work, the person who's hiring you looks and goes, I feel good about this. Like, I've had people come into my home a number of times to do things. And sometimes sometimes people show up and you're like, Alright, I feel good about this. And the guy starts working does a good job. You know, like, all right, I've also had people show up, where I'm like, Oh, this guy strung out. You know what I mean? Like, I can tell right away, and then I don't feel good about working with him again. And and so you, you make yourself, you're the face of the company, you know what I mean? Like you be somebody that when you show up people speak to you're a genuine person, you seem very good hearted. And so you show up and you're good hearted and genuine, you work hard, you do a good job. And then somebody else tells someone Hey, and I had Jonathan out, he, you know, he, I don't know, he put he put a new patio on the front of my place. For me. It's great. And he did a good job. He didn't screw around. He didn't overcharge me. And I think you should use them too. That's word of mouth, man that's putting out a good podcast, and having someone listened to it, and someone else goes and checks it out. Because somebody says, Hey, you know, I listen to this thing. And it was good. That's all you're trying to you're trying to build yourself, build your brand. And and and be somebody that people want to be around? And, and, you know, make yourself desirable to them? I don't see how I don't see that that's not possible for you. You do you know, for somebody who's been through as much as you have, you're not an asset. And you're not lost. And your thoughts are clear. And you know, you haven't, you haven't gone too far the other way, man, like, Don't Don't think of yourself as lost. Just I would if I was you, I think of myself as having just popped out of that trail and, you know, into an open field, and you have a lot of possibilities in front of you. Right? Yeah. I appreciate that. No, man, it's my pleasure. Listen, if that's not how you came off today, I wouldn't have said that to you. You know, like, you could have said some other different stuff. And I wouldn't have felt like that. But that's, that's how you appear to me. You think you are that person? Yes. Go be that person. You know, you just you just got a couple of medical things you're going to need help with everybody listening to this podcast has medical things they need help with. And, you know, there's no shame in that. And so to deal with it head on, and, you know, maybe say a lot of weird things, take the bull by the horns, you know, whatever. But, you know, just don't let it happen to you anymore. Just, you know, you do something first, you try to affect it instead of instead of waiting for something crappy to happen, and then you haven't, you know, react to it. You decide what happens next. That makes sense. Yes, john, I think we did good here today. You comfortable with all this?

Jonathan 1:14:53
Yes. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:14:54
You You want to you want to let people hear this or would you just rather this have been a nice conversation you and I had together Well, we'll put it away.

Jonathan 1:15:02
I don't mind people listening. Cool. That's great. I think you'd hope?

Scott Benner 1:15:07
Well, I definitely think I definitely think it could. I will, I'll tell you what, when I go back, if you want, I'll be back like the names of your town. Would you want me to do that? Do one, like you said, the names of towns you've lived in before? Would you want me to take those out? Or are you okay with them being there?

Jonathan 1:15:24
Uh, you take them out? Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:15:26
I didn't want to stop you while you were doing it. Because I didn't want you to feel really self conscious while you were talking. But I'll do that. I'll be about your towns. And, but other than that, do you? How do you feel right now? Do you feel better? Does this did this make you feel bad?

Jonathan 1:15:42
It helped. It helped a lot. I'm glad I really am getting somebody else's point of view. It helped.

Scott Benner 1:15:52
That's cool. Well, listen, and now you got to find that other person in your life like can't be me, right? But you got to find someone who you look at and go, this person's got their head screwed on superstrate they know what's up. They could be, you know, a guiding figure for me for a little while, because you can't nobody can do it by themselves. You know, like, I listen, my sons had a lot of advantages in his life. And he's 20. If I if I left right now, if my wife and I were just like, he's fine, and we just abandoned him. His life would not go as well as it could. He needs guidance. Still, he's 20. They say By the way, people's brains aren't even fully formed while they're in their mid 20s. So, you know, you just need to help sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with that. You just need a little guidance from somebody who knows. And if you don't, if you're not related to somebody who can do that for you. You know, you might have to end up finding other people like that's and that's not as easy as it sounds probably. But But look for those people look for people who make sense, you know, and, and, and see if they can help you make sense to lean on people a little bit. There's, there's no shame in that whatsoever. there anything we didn't talk about man that you'd like to talk about? Um,

Jonathan 1:17:09
there was one thing Yeah. Um, I want to talk to you about uh, I used to be on a insulin pump. Is the T slim on a few? I know that one.

Scott Benner 1:17:22
I don't have it. My daughter doesn't have it. But I know a fair amount about it.

Jonathan 1:17:27
Um, I got when I first thought I was diabetic. I got put on regular shots with syringes and all that. Yeah. Or the needles.

When I was

the teen

No, yeah, I was 15 or just turning 15 something like that. Somewhere around that time.

I got my doctor.

He suggested insulin pump. Because I didn't like taking the shots every two, three hours. Okay. So he suggested this on pump. And I got put on insulin pump. And it was working pretty good. It was working really good. And then I think it was

2017

the end of 2017

it about killed me.

I was I had just filled us out. I was living out in the middle of nowhere. At my brother's and his mom. Yeah. Um, and everybody had went to work. I was there by myself. I had no phone at the time. So no way to get ahold of anybody is I've just had fill my insulin up the night before. And it took 300 units. I think it was okay. Yeah, and I filled it up and all that. Well, apparently it stopped working in the middle sometime in the middle of the night. It just stopped giving me is my guess is the screen would still turn on and stuff. Right? It just wasn't pumping insulin anymore. Well, I woke up around six or seven sometime in the morning and I felt like crap. So I didn't think any of it

my insulin pump not working.

So I ate something you know, put in my

thing, my insulin pump you know put the carbs in and all that because I used to count cards. I did all that in a calculated for me, you know, like anyway, a three, four hours went by myself and I started throwing out those. There's about

10 3011 I started throwing up.

My brother came home around 3pm and that's when he got off. When he got home the kitchen four was filled with throw up. And I started picking up blood. Yeah, because there is nothing else in my stomach.

Scott Benner 1:20:36
Urine DK because you

Jonathan 1:20:38
weren't acid just.

Yeah, I think that's what that was. No, you are

Scott Benner 1:20:43
that that's exactly what Oscar's

Jonathan 1:20:46
the doctors that told me is DK, but I'm pretty sure it was. I started throwing up blood and stuff and he could add like, I was laying on the couch. I don't remember this part my brother does. He told me what happened. But he he couldn't find me. He didn't know what's going on. So he heard me a gurgling and stuff. Because I was I was choking, choking on my own vomit and stuff. Yeah. Because I couldn't move. And he picks me up. Or turn me on to my side. What the liquid come out, you know, and I could barely breathe still. So here, we only lose like 10 minutes from the hospital. But he drove me to the hospital. He was speeding, he had two cops with red lights on following him because he was speeding. And they didn't know what was going on. Guys, er stuff. Cough charts stopping stuff, but they realized that I wasn't okay. Right. And so that they they were chill about it, you know?

But, uh,

I went in there. And they told me if I showed up an hour to an hour and a half later, I would have most likely been done.

Scott Benner 1:22:12
Yeah. The Jonathan was that simple? You need an answer, right? Yeah. And, and they were you just you need insulin. And without insulin, you've seen it in your life when you're injecting or with a pump. So if something went wrong with the pump, or if you did something wrong with the pump, or whatever, and you're not getting that insulin, this is your body's reaction to not having this insulin. I mean, it's just it's simple. Are you thinking you'd like to try a pump again? But you're worried? Is that what you're asking me?

Jonathan 1:22:40
Um, I mean, somewhat, but I'm really worried because that the pop mound function, the doctors look at it and that it did not function. Okay. It was just one of those mount function ones, you know? I mean, I would love to try another one again. Yeah. But at the same time, I'm kind of fine with the pins. Yeah, the insulin pins I got. Because it was hard for me being on the pump. Because when when I was on the pump, man, I couldn't do things that other people could do, such as playing football, or just messing around and wrestling. You know?

I could, I couldn't do those things. Well, I think

Scott Benner 1:23:36
you should do whatever makes you comfortable. Seriously, right. If I'm good with injections,

Jonathan 1:23:46
or with the pins my bed? No, I'm, I do believe in the future. Like maybe when I'm in my

3540

Scott Benner 1:23:56
I might switch over back to the pump. Right. But I mean, right now, I'd rather just stick with the pins. Cuz What? I'm young, and I still got a lot more stuff I can do. You know, listen, I think you should do whatever makes you comfortable. First of all, but don't think that like you today is not you then you understand that when your pumps stop working, your blood sugar started going up, but you weren't testing your blood sugar. So you'd have no idea you were just like this thing will take care of that is a true, right. But nowadays, you'd be like three hours later, you'd test your blood sugar and go, Hey, my blood sugar is going up and you'd look at the pump and figure out what was going on. It was just you were a different person than than you are now of around your diabetes. So I'm not saying switch to a pump. But I'm also saying don't get it into your head that you'll be more I don't know mature or less done doing active things in your 30s and it'll be easier for you because there are plenty of people who wear pumps and are really active and but I'm also not telling you to switch I'm just saying don't feel limited by that one situation. I think if you were testing back then the way you are now, that would not have happened to you. That's all I'm saying. Right, you know, so.

Jonathan 1:25:08
And I fully agree with that.

Scott Benner 1:25:10
Yeah. Also, I think you have bigger fish to fry, as they say, at the moment. Like, I really think, man, your first step is the is the depression bipolar piece, like that's where you, you want to put your effort right now. And then once you have that in a handleable situation, maybe you'll maybe then you'll start thinking about a pump or a glucose monitor, maybe you don't maybe you'd rather have if you're going to wear something, and your insurance will cover it get index calm, so you can see your blood sugar in real time, like we do you see how that helps you use your insulin? Like, that's really cool.

Jonathan 1:25:44
I've been thinking about asking my doctor about that, too.

Scott Benner 1:25:47
If your insurance covers it, man, go for it. Seriously. But but just you know, first things first, get somebody to help you or you call your insurance company and get numbers and find yourself somebody who can help you with the bipolar piece. Like I can't stress enough that I think that's that should be your next step.

Jonathan 1:26:09
I agree. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:26:11
That's it, man. I think I think that's, that's, that's a good place to leave off for you and I. But, you know, I, you please send me a message and let me know how it's going. And I will, I would, I'd love to know that you found a doctor and that you're working on just remember to once you find that doctor, I don't know how smooth it's gonna go in the beginning. So try to have patience with it. Okay. Right. Yeah, this medications can be difficult to get dialed in correctly. But if you think you're going to, you know, if you're if you think you're going to have an episode without help, then I don't know. I like who you are right now. I'd like you to be able to stay this person. You know, I'm saying thank you. You're welcome. Hey, I really appreciate you doing this. This is could not have been easy.

Jonathan 1:26:57
I appreciate it. Was it really was it? Yeah, I appreciate you letting me have this opportunity. It's my pleasure. It was

Scott Benner 1:27:05
my pleasure. I'm glad you reached out. Well, I can't thank Jonathan enough for coming on the show and being so incredibly honest with everybody. Thanks also to Dexcom and Omni pod for sponsoring this episode of the Juicebox Podcast You can find those links at Juicebox podcast.com in the show notes of your podcast player, or you can go to my on the pod.com Ford slash juice box to get a free no obligation demo of the Omni pod tubeless insulin pump sent directly to your home. And of course learn all about the dexcom g six, including those alarms. And that follow feature. up to 10 people can follow the Dexcom g six on an Android or Apple phone. It's pretty amazing. dexcom.com forward slash juicebox. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is that 1-800-273-8255 the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is the United States based suicide prevention network of over 160 crisis centers that provide 24 seven service toll free it's available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. If that is you call the number right now. 1-800-273-8255. The US Department of Health and Human Services has a helpline for people who are struggling with mental or substance use disorders. It's the essay MH essays national helpline 1-800-662-4357 it's one 806 six to help 4357 the national hotline is confidential, free and available 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. It's in English or Spanish for individuals and family members facing mental and or substance abuse disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community based organizations. callers can also order free publications and other information, check them out@samhsa.gov or call 1-800-662-4357. If you're in distress, go find help. Are you enjoying the afterdark series. But think there's more that we could cover something I'm not thinking of send me an email Scott at Juicebox podcast.com always looking for new topics and new people to talk to. Don't forget, you can check the blog out at Juicebox podcast.com. And if you're looking for a wonderful community where you can speak to other people who are not only people living with Type One Diabetes, or somebody who cares for them, but someone who listens to this podcast, if you're really looking for somebody who gets you there is a Facebook page that is private. It has nearly 600 thousand users. 4000 of them are on there every day. It's the Juicebox Podcast, private Facebook group. You can get to it through Juicebox podcast.com. There's a link at the top, you can go to Facebook and search for it. Just answer a couple of entry questions. And just like that you're in and you're having conversations with people who are living the life you are. It's an amazing group. Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Juicebox Podcast and once again to Jonathan for sharing his story. We'll be back soon with another episode. I appreciate you listening and sharing. I really appreciate when you subscribe in your podcast app.