#921 After Dark: Liv(e)

May 29, 2023Scott Benner

Liv has type 1 diabetes. Warning. Discussion of attempted suicide.

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 00:00 Hello friends and welcome to episode 921 of the Juicebox Podcast. Today, I'll be speaking with Liv. She's the young lady who has type one diabetes for about a year. She's here to talk about that, and a lot more. She's had some mental health issues a suicide attempt, and we're gonna break it all down and chat about it. While you're listening. Please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, or becoming bold with insulin. If you like saving money, listen to this 35% off your entire order at cosy earth.com with the offer code juice box at checkout because the Earth has amazing sheets that I sleep on clothes that I wear towels that I dry my bottom with, you might like them to use the offer code juicebox at checkout at cozy earth.com to save 35% If you'd like to save 10% off your first month of therapy at BetterHelp just go to better help.com forward slash juice box you'll save that 10% And to get five free travel packs and a year's supply of vitamin D for free with your first order of ag one from Athletic Greens use my link athletic greens.com forward slash juice box. This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by the Omni pod five Omni pod.com forward slash use boxes where you're going to learn more and get started with the Omni pod five, or the Omni pod dash. You can wear the exact same insulin pump at Arden does at Omni pod.com forward slash juice box. Are you nervous?

Unknown Speaker 01:55 A little bit?

Scott Benner 01:57 That's okay. That's probably your voice is being recorded and people are gonna listen to it.

Unknown Speaker 02:02 No way. Yeah, didn't sign up for this

Scott Benner 02:05 box, there are bugs living on your skin and inside of you to I don't know if you do that. Oh, that's

Unknown Speaker 02:09 Wow, that really helps. I mean, everything's so much better.

Scott Benner 02:14 It'd be nice and comfortable. you'll introduce yourself any way you want to be known. There's no reason if you'd use your last name unless you have a reason to. If we talk about other people in your life, it's fine with me if you use their name. Just please don't get to the end of the recording and think Oh, I really shouldn't have said my aunt's name three times. Because it creates a hellscape for me over here. Other than that, I honestly don't care what you say. Okay, all right, Julio, if you're ready to go look at you referencing mid level rappers from the 90s.

Unknown Speaker 02:51 That's my niche.

Scott Benner 02:54 That's where I live right there. I'm down with opp. Let's get going. So what guy just introduce yourself.

Liv 03:02 All right. My name is live without the E. And I got diagnosed with type one a year ago tomorrow.

Scott Benner 03:11 Get out of here. Yeah. Really? Yeah. How are you on the podcast? A year to almost to the day of your diagnosis that on purpose? Um,

Unknown Speaker 03:23 no, actually, I was really surprised that you picked that day. It took me a week to realize that that was actually the day before but um, yeah, I don't know. Just sheer luck. How old are you? I am 21. Wow. Yeah, I got diabetes for my 21st birthday.

Scott Benner 03:45 Were you thinking you were gonna get beer?

Unknown Speaker 03:47 Yeah. But hey, I got both. Don't worry.

Scott Benner 03:52 It took care of everything. So you're going to be 22 tomorrow and you've had diabetes for a year?

Unknown Speaker 03:58 Well, it's not my birthday tomorrow. Oh, the anniversary February but yeah,

Scott Benner 04:03 well, this month ish. Whatever

Unknown Speaker 04:07 person cares. It doesn't matter.

Scott Benner 04:08 If you're making me curse.

Unknown Speaker 04:12 Have that effect?

Scott Benner 04:13 Do a lot of cursing when they're around you? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 04:17 I also just curse really bad. So I think people fall into it, but

Scott Benner 04:22 I find it makes them comfortable. Yeah. What's your favorite word?

Unknown Speaker 04:28 chagrin. Or my favorite curse word?

Scott Benner 04:31 grins. Your favorite word? Grin is

Unknown Speaker 04:33 my favorite word.

Scott Benner 04:34 How did that happen?

Unknown Speaker 04:35 Um, there's this YouTube artist. His name is Peter drawers. And my brother's name is Peter. So they were like my brother really liked him for a long time and I watched his videos and he just was really chill kind of like hippie dude. And he would use that word quite often and every time he said it, it just put a smile on my face.

Scott Benner 05:00 Oh, that's the same much to my chagrin.

Unknown Speaker 05:02 Yeah, along those lines.

Scott Benner 05:05 Yeah, we're just talking in small sound bites for the rest of this. So, I guess I did mean, what was your favorite curse word? Like Which one do you use most frequently?

Unknown Speaker 05:17 Um, probably the effort has to be right. Or, you know, I call everyone the B word all the time.

Scott Benner 05:26 I love how you said you love cursors. But you said the F word and the B word now instead of well,

Unknown Speaker 05:30 am I allowed to curse?

Scott Benner 05:31 I don't know. Just bleep it out. It's fine.

Unknown Speaker 05:34 Yeah, I don't I hate when I hate the beep. So you're gonna

Scott Benner 05:42 you're gonna avoid the beeps for them. That's very considered of, you know, so nice. What about the people who want the curses? And right now we're thinking, much to my chagrin, lived in curse the entire time?

Unknown Speaker 05:55 Well, that's that's a bummer for them. They'll have to live with it.

Scott Benner 05:59 Do we have to look up that phrase so people understand it?

Unknown Speaker 06:02 I mean, it's kind of like dismay. It's how I describe it to people who don't understand what that means. Much to my chagrin, it's like, much to my dismay,

Scott Benner 06:13 distress or embarrassment. And having failed or being humiliated. That's the noun champion favorite words. Yeah. Much to his chagrin wasn't invited. So wait, what did you say? How do you tell people?

Unknown Speaker 06:29 dismay?

Scott Benner 06:32 Yeah, I mean, all right.

Unknown Speaker 06:33 I mean, it's a more lighter version,

Scott Benner 06:38 I think embarrassment or distress. Yeah. And then as a verb you can say he was chagrined. When his friend poured. His friend poured scorn on Him who speaks Yes, por discord on him. Did I just click on the internet from the 19? Like 10s? Like what just happened? What am I? Is this is this a Netflix series where everybody's British? Apparently, please. All right. So you like chagrin? Or like chagrin, cursing you like to say you call people? Yes. Like, yo, what are you bitches doing?

Unknown Speaker 07:18 I'm not like not in a cool way.

Scott Benner 07:24 Like the angry way. Like

Unknown Speaker 07:28 more like when people do something I don't like I jokingly call them a bit.

Scott Benner 07:32 Like if I came up to your car in traffic and tried to wash your windshield like it was 1990 and be like, bitch get off like, Bitch Get away from me. Yeah, but you don't look at your friends and be like, Bitch, what are we doing? Different call your friends hookers?

Unknown Speaker 07:50 No, I can't

Scott Benner 07:55 What are you trying to make sure I have a good time. Thank you very much. Yes.

Unknown Speaker 07:58 Okay. They deserve it. Yeah,

Scott Benner 07:59 i i Sometimes I call my daughter and her friends Booker's. I'm like, wow. Like, what do you hook yourself?

Unknown Speaker 08:07 Yeah, that's a line. I would

Scott Benner 08:11 assume they know. I'm kidding.

Unknown Speaker 08:14 I hope so.

Scott Benner 08:15 I mean, they come back to the house. So I'm not nobody's paying them. So. I mean, they've been here their whole life. So okay. Alright, so you call your friends? Yeah. Are you? Are you jealous of the, like Irish and British type people who use that word as a friendly word?

Unknown Speaker 08:38 Yes. If it wasn't Gervais is is my hero.

Scott Benner 08:42 Yeah. Yeah. I agree. All right, facts. Why are you on this podcast? This is a year ago. But what made you want to do this? So

Unknown Speaker 08:52 I, the original reason I wrote is I had a conversation with my mom about diabetes. And I just decided that I had a perspective I thought someone might want to hear even if it was just one person. Because I come from a history of some very poor mental health. And so my diabetes diagnosis was like a very small thing in the grand scheme of my life.

Scott Benner 09:31 So your mental health stuff hasn't been around longer.

Unknown Speaker 09:37 Yeah, what was say? Since I was about like, 11 it started getting really bad. I had bad depression and anxiety started going to therapy. And it just got progressively worse through middle school and during In my eighth grade year, I, I attempted suicide and ended up in a institution for a while. Ended up on medication. Just a lot of rocky roads. Yeah. For the next until now.

Scott Benner 10:21 You have any brothers or sisters?

Unknown Speaker 10:23 I have an older brother.

Scott Benner 10:25 Are your parents together? Yes, they are just painting a picture. I don't actually care if they're together or not. I can just as easily ask you if you have a pet.

Unknown Speaker 10:34 Right? Yeah, I have a dog. Oh, 622 dogs. I have one in Colorado and one here. Long story.

Scott Benner 10:44 You don't like to let them live together?

Unknown Speaker 10:47 It's they would be fun. But yeah, I'm not taking the one dog out of his super happy environment.

Scott Benner 10:55 Okay. I'm not gonna argue. For context, I guess what is the what? Gosh, I don't understand any of this. You understand my contextually I'm, I'm at a loss here. So what? What creates a scenario where you think that taking your life is the is the way to go?

Unknown Speaker 11:18 Okay, yeah. So I have learned from listening to your podcast for a while that yeah, that you seem to be interested in mental health stuff. Um, it's just spending so long, honestly, believing that your life is worth nothing. That it just gets to a point that it's like, just a fact. And it's just when it's not a question of if you're going to but when I'm so getting to that point, you know, it does a lot to your mind. And like, getting out of it, I'd say is the same long, hard journey of, you know, you spend so long convincing yourself that your life like is worth living, that you find every obstacle after that is just so small in comparison.

Scott Benner 12:26 So because I'm sorry, because

Unknown Speaker 12:29 because it takes so much to convince yourself that like, it's worth continuing on.

Scott Benner 12:37 So does this just come over you in your recollection, like, is there just a day or a week or a month where everything started seeming darker than it did prior?

Unknown Speaker 12:50 It was definitely a progression. I think for a long time, I didn't even know I was depressed. Because I was just so focused on everyone else, I'm very empathetic. So all I cared about was, you know how everyone else was doing and didn't really pay attention until I took a test at my therapists office, there was like the depression scale thing. And was like a 90 or something. And she called my mom that night. And then the next night, I ended up in the hospital. So it was just kind of all happened at once. But at the same time, it was like pretty bad for a long time.

Scott Benner 13:33 Okay. Did did. Did you do other things? outward things before the attempt. Did you cut or? Yeah, try drugs or anything like that for

Unknown Speaker 13:43 a while? Never never done drugs? But yeah, had a history of self harm. Okay,

Scott Benner 13:51 that where does the relief come from that

Unknown Speaker 13:58 it's, have you ever had something just so horrible happen that you don't know how to, like what to do with yourself, and you just end up like crying or watching a show or whatever, pretty much. What self harm does for you is it gives you that outlet of it all goes into that. And then once you do it, you're you can kind of move on, and you don't have that overwhelming feeling of it's just too much to handle too much to deal with.

Scott Benner 14:34 Is it a is it a case of when your mind gets on a path that you can't pull it back off of it?

Unknown Speaker 14:43 I mean, it's an addiction. So, once you start, it just becomes the go to like for alcoholics that would be drinking but for people who self harm it would be self harming.

Scott Benner 14:57 So something happens in your life. Life or something is said or whatever happens, a trigger comes up, and you start moving into a negative space in your head. There's no ability to just say, Oh, well, this is bad. But it mean, this isn't everything. I'll I'll leave this here go back to my life instead, you sort of it's like getting pulled down in a black hole.

Unknown Speaker 15:18 Yeah. And I think it's a lot easier when you're, you know, a teenager, and it really does feel like your whole life, you know?

Scott Benner 15:27 Sure. Yeah. Were you having trouble like exterior trouble at home? Were you being like, harmed were people at school picking on you or anything like that?

Unknown Speaker 15:37 I had some issues with my brother. That were really tricky. He had a hard time when he was younger. And I think his way of coping it when, like, when he got older was kind of taking some of that out on me. And

Scott Benner 15:58 you kind of couldn't take it.

Unknown Speaker 16:00 Yeah, it was just a lot like when you know, you. If you're bullied at school, you can just go home. But if you're bullied at home, you have nowhere to go. Right. Okay. And so yeah.

Scott Benner 16:15 What's the age difference?

Unknown Speaker 16:17 He's two and a half years older than me. And weren't great. Now for for context. were amazing. Yeah, brothers.

Scott Benner 16:25 I wouldn't imagine you'd be on here saying it. If you were like, Yeah, still within the problem. So yeah, but could you? Can you imagine an 11 year old who could have taken your brother's crap? Were you a person for that to be in that situation? Or do you think it would have run most people over? I think

Unknown Speaker 16:48 it would have definitely hit most people. I mean, my friends would come over and see some of his stuff, and they would leave crying. And I'm like, see, you get to go home. I don't get to go. Alright, somewhere else. But yeah. I don't think it was like, I'm just a little weakling.

Scott Benner 17:10 No, I didn't mean to. I don't know, I know. Yeah. I was just wondering, were you on the, on the precipice of a break to begin with? And he, he came behind you and shoved you over? Was it really that?

Unknown Speaker 17:23 Oh, I think it was, I think it was a mix. For sure. It definitely wasn't all him. But I think not having a safe space at home was like, just made it that much worse.

Scott Benner 17:35 Gotcha. Would you I'm so sorry to ask you this. Would you consider your attempt like, like it would have worked? If somebody didn't stop you? Or were you looking for help?

Unknown Speaker 17:49 Um, I think I think for the most part, I was looking for hope, and I just didn't know what else to do. But if it continued in that direction, I honestly believe that I would not be here today.

Scott Benner 18:04 Wow. Okay, yeah. So what turns things around, I mean, obviously, this gets attention, then people are like, Oh, live has problems we weren't aware of, or we didn't understand, or we didn't understand the severity of it, then what happens after that, that helps you move in another direction.

Unknown Speaker 18:23 That's the hardest part for me is, is explaining to other people how they can get through it. Because it's a choice, it is a choice. And if you don't choose that you want better, you will never make it there. That's what I've learned from my years of dealing with this. But I think for me, I spent so long, just really wanting to get to what I had hoped my life would be. And I just did, I didn't want to give up on it. I just didn't believe it would ever be possible. And through seeing other people make it out of their stuff, and I did so much therapy, like nine hours a week at one point. But when you hear people drill into you enough times like that, it's you need to make choices to get your life where you want it to be. I just decided to give it a try. Because when you're that depressed and anomic despair, it's really like you feel like you've done everything, and nothing has worked. But when you have so many people telling you that you haven't tried everything, like you feel kind of silly. And you can either choose not to go down that route and just convince yourself you've done everything or you can actually try every single thing that people give to you and you My mom is is my hero, she came from a really hard background. And her whole thing is like she is the most determined person I've ever met. And so I think a lot of that I can kind of take from my mom and be like, I just didn't you know, I didn't want to quit. And this time with all the help that I had, I was able to reach small goals and slowly progress forward. And you just keep doing that until one day you look around, and you're like, that life that I wanted to have. And I just felt like I couldn't I'm living it.

Scott Benner 20:46 When something goes poorly now for you, or someone is impacting you in a in a detrimental Larry, are you able to reframe it? Do you walk away from it? How do you stop that that process?

Unknown Speaker 21:01 Yeah, um, I would say, at this point, it's impossible for me to get back to as low as I was, with all the knowledge that I have. I, I literally can't go there again. I use every skill that I have ingrained in myself that now it's just habit. You know, I cry, I take a break. I talked to someone, I watch a show for a week long. You know, like, whatever it is I need to get through. I know there is a healthy option. It's amazing. Yeah. And I'm very proud of myself. I can definitely say I earned it.

Scott Benner 21:47 Okay. There was a weird noise behind you just now. But I think it's I think it's gone. Did you did an electronic bug fly pasture had been in here?

Unknown Speaker 21:56 I have a lot of bracelets that might be I don't think it

Scott Benner 21:59 was that. Okay. Well, I mean, it definitely sounds like you. You worked incredibly hard to be happy. Yeah. It's funny, as you're discussing this, I almost almost stopped myself from saying this. But as you're describing, the process you went through, I thought is so similar to getting diabetes and deciding to live with it better?

Unknown Speaker 22:26 That's exactly yeah, I won. When I got diabetes. I, a lot of it was just laughing about it to my mom, because I was like, this is so, so small compared to what I've already gone through. It's just like a lesser version to me. I know not to everyone. diabetes is no small thing. But like, in my life experiences, it's not the worst thing that's ever happened to me. And it's just, you know, you either get to choose to get to a point where your habit is having a healthy blood sugar. Or you can fight it and struggle with it for a long time until maybe you realize there's a better way to do it or I need to seek help to have better blood sugar's you know, it's just yeah, how much you put into it, you get out

Scott Benner 23:21 where you got me was about the, the idea of not knowing what to do. But there being something and being able to talk to another person, have them say to you look, you might not know the next step, but here are five things you could try and then be willing to try those things. Yeah, that part kind of really spoke to me.

Unknown Speaker 23:41 And I feel like it's so it's where it's hard with diabetes is like, there are so many things you can try. And it might take so long for you to find the things that work. Because there's so many variables, but the benefit of that is there's always more to trial.

Scott Benner 23:59 Yeah. And it's, I mean, it's why I serve this, the some of the series forward the way I do, because I don't want you to have to, like, some of the things are just going to take repetition and experience and stuff like that. But someone can tell you that, you know, the fat in your french fries makes your blood sugar high, 90 minutes, you know that that's okay, if somebody tells you that having to eat yeah, having to eat french fries 27 times before you go, you know what, I'm seeing a pattern here. Yeah. And not to think that the pattern is not impactful to you know, like, it's it's important and even I mean, again, it's what you were sort of talking about, like there's, there's a way to live, where you don't feel like that. And just because you feel like that now doesn't mean you can't impact it and change it until Yeah, I feel

Unknown Speaker 24:51 like a huge part of what really kind of screws people over is what they get told at diagnosis is so Oh, impactful. And I definitely lucked out. Um, I got set up for success. I mean, I can tell you a little bit about what happened. I was feeling terrible for months, super tired. But I just thought I was depressed. And I have I have thyroid in the family, thyroid issues, all the way down my mom's side hypothyroidism. So I knew I had hypothyroidism actually, when I got hospitalized from the mental health stuff because they tested it and they were like, this might be contributing to your depression. So I started taking thyroid medication way back when

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Unknown Speaker 27:56 So I just thought my thyroid was off. Because I was feeling so tight. You know, I know the thyroid symptoms. Yeah. And so I went my first year at college, in Portland. I was living in a dorm and I went home for winter break and went to the doctor and you know, she sent me home. She's like your thyroids. Fine. I was like, Okay, it's just in my head. I'm crazy. Went back to college. And it started getting worse. And I, you know, would call my mom and I'm like, I don't feel good. And she's like, go to the clinic. And I'm like, I don't want to say I never went, um, I'm stubborn. And I just I honestly thought in my head, that it was something with my mental health, and they weren't going to be able to help me and I needed to figure it out for myself. Yeah. So I was just kind of taking it as it came. But at one point I wasn't going to class anymore. And the most I could do in a day was go down from my dorm to the little Stop and Shop and get some food and go back up. And then I had to sleep for the rest of the 24 hours. Like that is the most I could do in a day. I was drinking more than I ever thought I could and in my head. I was like Oh look at me. I'm hydrating. Silly live silly. A silly live

Scott Benner 29:31 look terrific. My skin's gonna be clear and

Unknown Speaker 29:34 yeah, I was like, oh, man, I'm feeling I'm so healthy drinking all this water.

Scott Benner 29:39 I'm on the health train now baby. I can't get the inside of my head looking right but I'm gonna get the outside.

Unknown Speaker 29:47 And then today last year, well and this year's, it was my roommates birthday. She's, I love my roommate. She was amazing. Um, so I was you know, being In the awesome person I am wanted to celebrate with her and get her gift and all this stuff and I was struggling so hard to wrap her gift, and I was gonna make her cake and I fell asleep, too tired. So we went to her boyfriend's dorm and everyone was partying and having cake and I could barely walk. I was sitting on the couch falling asleep, and everyone's like, louver you can I was like, I'm fine. I just need a nap, like, leave me alone. Because I really didn't want to like take away from her birthday. So I left early. It was like half a block walk to my dorm. So I was walking so slow in heels fallen over. I was like, everyone's gonna think I'm drunk. But I'm not. I couldn't have any of the cake because I was just feeling ill. And I finally get back to my dorm. And I'm laying in the bed with, you know, my shoes on and everything. And I'm like, alright, I'll change my shoes and call 911. That's literally what went through my head is I'll call the ambulance. So I'll change my shoes in just a second. But I fell asleep because that was the kaput. So I wake up the next morning, and I call my mom and I'm like, he was gonna call the ambulance last night. But like, I'm too tired. I just don't think that'll work. And she's like, she, you know, obviously is like, what the heck are you talking about? Like she did not know it had gotten to that point. Yeah. And like what the heck was going on? So she called my roommate who was still over at her boyfriend's was like you need to bring live to the hospital.

Scott Benner 31:56 She's like, it's my birthday.

Unknown Speaker 31:59 And the whole time I'm like, this is such an overreaction, whatever. So I have my mom right now all the symptoms I'm having. So I can show the people so I don't have to talk because I can barely get a sentence out. And so we get to the hospital, and COVID still pretty prevalent, of course. And so the hospital is busy. And I ended up waiting in there for five hours. And the whole time I'm on the phone with my mom. And all I remember from that is being so thirsty in the waiting room. And I'm on the phone with her and I'm talking her about if I should go to a vending machine and get a water or not. Because I don't think I have enough energy to make it to the vending machine. Yeah. And like that was my idea of what five hours was was just being so thirsty. That's all I could think about.

Scott Benner 33:04 But you now have energy to do anything about it.

Unknown Speaker 33:06 Yeah. And I'm just sitting there being miserable and really wanting juice, I really want to juice

Scott Benner 33:13 when were they able to diagnose you in the emergency room.

Unknown Speaker 33:17 So when they triaged me, I was about halfway through the five hours. So I don't really know if I don't think they did. Otherwise, they probably would have brought me back. But once they finally did, it was very immediate. They're like, I think, you know, you're diabetic. Which I was in absolute denial about because as one of the many people who are so ignorant I I was like, there's only one kind of diabetes and I don't have that. So yeah, I can't be diabetes.

Scott Benner 33:59 Tired thing? I could be depressed. I could be like, did you have depression in college at that point? Or had you managed yourself? Like, how do you think of it after your? You know what I mean? Like after your attempts and your move forward? Is there a time where you see yourself as living not as a depressed person in your town?

Unknown Speaker 34:16 I always have depression, it's just varying degrees. Okay. And I get worse, kind of in the holidays. So I figured, you know, it's still kind of the holidays, right? Maybe I'm just big sad. Maybe I just don't like Portland. Which I didn't. But I genuinely I had convinced myself that I was just sad and depressed. Because I that felt like the only option.

Scott Benner 34:44 Had you ever felt like that prior? I mean, looking back, I guess no, but you didn't you couldn't discern it at the time, right.

Unknown Speaker 34:53 I think it was mostly just the fact that my brain couldn't function but it was like, you can't it just went with the simple was dancer because it was like, I don't have enough energy to go anywhere else.

Scott Benner 35:04 So similarly do if your brain said to you look, if we could find a Phillips head screwdriver right now this would all go away and you'd sit the chair. Yeah, I can't do that. Uh huh. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 35:13 exactly. And I was like, it'll, my thought was it will pass like, it will get better. I just need to wait it out. Which obviously, just shooting myself in the foot. But Hindsight is 2020.

Scott Benner 35:27 Well, so far what I've learned is you can't trust kids at a party to college. Because a person your age who's at a party is like I have to nappy now. Like how Yeah, how did someone not go? Hey, Liv might not be okay.

Unknown Speaker 35:41 Because I think it was a thing of like, kind of everyone knew me is like, I am not a huge partier. Like I'll have fun sometimes, but I'm not by no means am I the party girl. Okay. So it wasn't weird for me to let go just chill on my own. And at the time, most of the friends I had made met me when I assume I was already starting like the pre diabetes thing. So they already knew me is like a tired person. I like to nap. I like water. So really the only people who like new new that that might not be like, live were my roommate. And she was checking in on me. But I made it pretty clear to her. I didn't

Scott Benner 36:32 want everyone else. And everyone else already saw you as a sleepy camel.

Unknown Speaker 36:37 Yeah, that's just who I am.

Scott Benner 36:40 She's full of water and taken up. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 36:43 maybe, you know, maybe I was just sick because they hadn't seen me in a week. You know, they were like, Oh, she's just getting over something. Gotcha.

Scott Benner 36:49 So now you're away College? Are you local college? I am in a different state. Your mom come.

Unknown Speaker 36:58 So on the phone in the waiting room for the five hours, my mom's packing a bag. And I'm like, you don't need to fly out. This is ridiculous. You know, whatever. And she's like, No, I'm gonna fly out. I'm packing a bag right now. And I'm like, okay, whatever. I'm fine. Um, but she, my dad was amazing, and was able to get her out that next morning. So, by the time I was allowed to see people, she was there. And that was a lifesaver.

Scott Benner 37:35 Do you feel when you're given the Diag. So you you were given the diagnosis on your own? You were by herself

Unknown Speaker 37:41 while she was at an airport and with her on the phone. Okay. But But yes, I was

Scott Benner 37:48 physically alone, physically alone. And do you have to use the tools you learned in therapy in that moment? Not at all. You're just so beat up? I

Unknown Speaker 37:58 was so out of it. I was like, okay, whatever. That's fine. I don't even know what that means. But sure, I'll take it.

Scott Benner 38:07 Whatever, is this gonna help?

Unknown Speaker 38:09 Because yeah, I was pretty much like, I'm dying. So whatever you need to say, that's cool.

Scott Benner 38:18 Can I ask you when you look back? I know that. I know that what you talked about earlier happened when you were much younger. But when you see yourself as in a scenario in a hospital where you could have died. Do you see your life as valuable then? And like, oh, no, I

Unknown Speaker 38:35 Oh, absolutely. I do

Scott Benner 38:37 not want this to happen.

Unknown Speaker 38:38 Absolutely. Yeah. Ever. pretty much ever since that turn in my mind when I was much

Scott Benner 38:46 younger, just haven't felt that way

Unknown Speaker 38:48 is anything to stay alive. Yeah. Because that's kind of what you have to do you. You have to convince yourself to drink water because your body's worth keeping alive. And so at that point, it's like, hell yeah, I want to be alive. Even though my life isn't great right now, because I'm sleeping all the time.

Scott Benner 39:14 Really tired.

Unknown Speaker 39:16 So worth living, you know, and like, so many people, you know,

Scott Benner 39:21 ya know, it's it's just interesting to hear somebody talk about being on two different sides of that spectrum in the same 10 year period.

Unknown Speaker 39:28 For sure. Yeah, it's definitely night and day. I'm sure if it had happened. I told my mom this a lot and like, Thank God, I was not diagnosed as a teenager. I I don't know what would have happened, but so I think it would have been a thing of like, I'm fighting the diabetes, and that's my nightmare. I'm like, I don't want to fight with it. I just, I just want to coexist and move on.

Scott Benner 39:58 Can I tell you a secret Yeah. Okay. Do you wonder how you got on the podcast so quickly?

Unknown Speaker 40:06 I do i Yeah.

Scott Benner 40:08 Because the schedule is like I saw somebody for

Unknown Speaker 40:12 thought you meant January 2024. Yeah. So

Scott Benner 40:15 here's what happened. It's January 2023. Right now, and that I don't have a podcast recording slot till November, like I am I actually I looked at my calendar this morning, and it made me I was upset. I was like, Oh, my God, I'm, I'm going to die trying to make this podcast for sure. So, but you mentioned the depression and other things in your note. And earlier, I forget exactly what it was been. I'll find out November, early November. Earlier November, I got an email from a person I don't know. And this gentleman was telling me that his daughter passed away. And she wanted any donations that were made in her memory to go to me. Wow. And I couldn't wrap my head around what he was saying. Yeah, you know, and I was like, I don't understand like, like, how would that be? Get, you know, like, so he left his phone number? And I said, Can I just call you? And we spoke on the phone. And he said, you know, your podcast means a lot to my daughter. And then he stopped himself. And he said, meant a lot. And then he said, I'm sorry, she just passed away today. Oh, my God. And I was like, What is like, you don't mean? Like, I'm like, what? I'm trying to put all the pieces together in my head on like, a guy emailed me today, to ask how to make donations to the podcast in memory of his daughter, who has only been gone for a few hours. Like why none of this is adding up. Like none of it made any sense to me. So I spoke to him for a minute now, I realized I'm speaking with somebody who's, like, lost a person, their daughter in this day, you know, and I'm piecing it together, and I get off the phone. And I say to my wife, I think this man's daughter committed suicide. Because why would he know about she wasn't sick? I like it. I'm like, picking through what he said and everything. And then it occurred to me. I'm in someone suicide note. Yeah. And I, I was like, Oh, God, like, I don't have a way to know what to do about that. You know, and so yeah, I got your note. And I was like, I'm not ended up in somebody else's suicide note, this girl is coming on right now and telling her story, because the person I'm talking about Jenna, she was on my schedule.

Unknown Speaker 42:56 Yeah, I heard I heard about that.

Scott Benner 42:59 I just didn't know I swear to you, I got your note. And I was like, we can talk right now. I was like, I'm not getting another call like this in my lifetime. I was like, it was like, I don't like be, you know what I mean? It's

Unknown Speaker 43:10 too much like I honestly. I, it is too much. About a month after I was out of the hospital, from my attempt.

Unknown Speaker 43:27 My lifelong childhood friend, her brother committed suicide, who lived down the street. And my mom being unable to deal with my stuff, obviously, because it's your kid. Seeing that happen, like it's hard to have words for that. But when you have people in your life, even just by a small relation, take their lives. It's it's too big for words. Kind of what that means and how that feels. No,

Scott Benner 44:15 I don't even know. I mean, obviously, I don't even know how he was functioning. And then and then the next day, I'm sitting at my desk working and I'm really, like, I was stunned. Like, I wasn't okay for a couple of days. Right. And it's not like, it's not like she said, You know, I'm doing this because of Scott. Like she was saying the, you know, yeah, she was saying that. I made that the podcasts had made like, a lot of time in her life, very happy and easier and everything. She had a lot of different medical issues. And, but I still like I'm like, I can't take money from this. Like I first of all, not a charity. You know, that's the first thing and secondly, if I took the money, all I would do is like I don't buy microphones with it and stuff like that. I'm like, I'm not I don't write this case. So I was thinking about where do I direct him? Because how do I honor what she wanted. But right, because I'm saying no to it, like she didn't care, like she wanted to go to me. And I felt like I couldn't, I couldn't accept that. It's so I eventually gave the family diabetes Sisters, we are diabetes and touched by type one is valuable places to make donations to.

Unknown Speaker 45:35 But I think it's more of a thing of like, when you're that, in that kind of headspace, the things that bring you joy, are very few and far between. And the people who may represent those things are kind of heroes to you in a way that they'll never know, like, certain singers, you know, you might feel such a deep connection with and they might never know about you. And so I feel like I am in no place to put words in her mouth. But I think that you for a lot of people are just someone who's on their side, when they don't really have anybody, because a lot of people don't tell their friends about type one. And they might not have a community. And so when you are on here talking to all these type ones, all these people who are experiencing similar things to them. And they listen to you like it's a connection that they really need, that they don't have anywhere else.

Scott Benner 46:56 I just wish I could have. I wish she could have come on and told me that, you know, and we we had had a scheduled time that I think if I'm remembering, right, she backed out of and then we I didn't hear from her for a while. And then, you know, I heard from her again, and we rescheduled again, I think part of that was part of some of the things she was struggling with as well. But but the next day, as I was quite literally sitting here, just the more than a little stunned trying to figure out what to do. As far as her request, my phone rang. And it was the number I didn't recognize. It picked it up. And there's a woman crying on the phone. Like she didn't even say hello. She was just crying. And she was doing dishes. And I could hear a woman crying, doing dishes, who was not saying hello to me, but who had called me. And I was like, hello, hello. And then I realized eventually, I'm now talking to this girl's mother, who was just blindly reaching out to me trying to figure out like the days of her daughter's life leading up to this. Yeah. And she said that it wasn't a surprise that she had struggled for a very long time. But I told her I'm like, I have some correspondence that I've done with your daughter over the years, I can find it. And she was just so grateful. She's like, would you share that with me? And I was like, Yeah, sure. So I sent it to her. And she said, I would maybe like to come on the podcast one day and talk about her. And I said, Yeah, that's fine. I said it at any time that you think is appropriate. Would you reach out to me? And we'll we'll figure it out. And she said, I don't think I'm going to remember today. Can you email me? And we talked a little longer and got off the phone. But yeah, it was just I don't know what I was drawn into it suddenly. I didn't understand my place in it. And yet I seem to have a larger place in it than me then I would have imagined but it's just anyway, that's a very sad way of telling you that's why you got on the podcast so quickly because I just I didn't know your I don't know who you are. And like, like, I looked back at her correspondence with me. And nothing I read there told me that this was going to end up being an eventuality.

Unknown Speaker 49:39 See I've found I've been told and I have found that in my life, especially. People have told me that I'm very good at hiding when I am very bad. And I think you just get so used to it. You become a professional at seeming like everything is fine. Because you can't tell just everybody everything that's happening with you. And because it's so much you have to pretend in such a big way that you're okay. That you just get so used to it. And you're just so good at it that you eventually forget to tell people when you're having a hard time. Yeah.

Scott Benner 50:27 That's such a scary thought, as a parent or somebody who, anybody who cares about somebody, because I imagine that that's not just true for this big topic. I bet you it's true for everything. Yeah, you know?

Unknown Speaker 50:42 It's yeah,

Scott Benner 50:44 you just wonder, like, you're looking people in the face. And they're saying something, and, you know, you would do anything for them. But you don't know what anything is, you don't know what it is they need, and they're not going to tell you what they need. And for most things in life, people are going to get through it. Okay. Yeah. But

Unknown Speaker 51:00 I don't think my, my mom had kind of one of those hard realizations when I was in IOP, it's intensive outpatient, it's nine hours a week. And it's a group where you go with other, you know, kids, like adolescents that were in the hospital for whatever their reason was typically the same as mine. And the parents would come to some of it to learn and, you know, experience and at one point, my mom left with me, and she goes, some of the kids in that room aren't going to make it. And I was like, I know. And it's just so hard, because you're sitting next to these kids and their parents, and a lot of them, you know, seem like they are trying to get better. And some of them don't. They seem like they're done. And I think that's kind of when she realized that like, what helped her kind of get to the point of knowing as a fact, like, if that person doesn't want to be here anymore, they won't be, they'll find a way. And that's really hard. I can't even I can't even fathom as a parent, because that's your kid, your loved one, your friend, your whatever. And like, if they've made that choice, like you can't, as much as you feel like you want should have done more, or could have done more anything. You can't it's their, it's their decision. I can say that because I've been there. It was no one's choice but my own. I wouldn't blame anyone for what I did other than myself. And

Scott Benner 52:57 boy, you know, the irony, of course, is that it's, it's the finality of the action. That makes it what it is because what you just described, you know, I have a child, they're on a path, they're going to do what they're going to do, like, in almost any other part of life, that's fine. Yeah, you don't I mean, it becomes not fine when it's you being alive anymore. At the end of it. Are you being a heroin addict at the end of it? Or, you know, like as a reversible, yeah, just something that gets to the point where you're like, wow, I've crossed the line, that there's no coming back from. And other than that, it's actually a fine way to let people live. It's growing up so bizarre, you know? Yeah. So. So when that's the case? How are you supposed to know as the person on the outside that this isn't just a thing that somebody needs to go through? You know what I mean? Like, how do you know when to even when you can see it? How do you know when to involve yourself? How do you know when to step back? How do you I'll tell you right now having children is a huge mistake. I'm just going to it you're you're just attached to a person that you care about more than anything else. And everything they do is beyond your control. And you get ever plan on doing you get confused in the beginning when they're little thinking you have some like, you hold some sway over them.

Unknown Speaker 54:23 Right? It's such a trick. Yeah, it's

Scott Benner 54:25 real. They just need your credit card. That's it. And your car. That was hard

Unknown Speaker 54:30 for my mom when I got diagnosed, right because I'm 21 Well, I was 20 at the time, but like I've moved out, I'm going to college. I'm you know, supporting myself as an adult. I make myself food. I've gone through so much water. Yeah, I'm very mature for my age. Like she was ready to watch me fly away. But then she gets dragged back down into this. You need to watch her blood sugar. 24/7 She could go into a coma at night, make sure you know what she's eating. And like, the people at the hospital, there were two groups, there was the group that was like, we're gonna deal with this, how we deal with anyone who gets diagnosed, which is clearly they were used to kids. So they were like, the parent needs to be the hawk, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there was Vivian, my diabetes educator, my hero, she had type one. She came in there, she calmed my mom down, which is a feat. I can't express but she gave her hope that like, My life wasn't going to be completely different. And she was like, trying to give me more independence, you know, like talking about insulin to carb ratios, which the other doctors were like, No, we're doing meal based Bolus. But Vivian was like, I have type one, I live with it, you know, it's not as big a deal as they're making it. You know, whatever.

Scott Benner 56:08 Gave you a little hope, or a little hope,

Unknown Speaker 56:10 a little? For me. Definitely a sense, because I'm very independent, like, horribly, so

Scott Benner 56:20 no, but I would imagine you've Yeah, your little Bective is different. I mean, you gave it to yourself, almost. But your perspective is different than those around you at your age.

Unknown Speaker 56:31 Yeah, and give like a little more control back to me, which was really nice. But you know, my mom's sitting there, like, I've just let you go. But now I'm supposed to be like, This person.

Scott Benner 56:44 Oh, are you breaking a law? What's going on?

Unknown Speaker 56:47 I live in Seattle. So you know, stuff happens.

Scott Benner 56:53 Like, hippies take over a block?

Unknown Speaker 56:55 Yes. But now she's in this position where she doesn't know how involved to be. Yeah, again, she's already done this with the depression. And she's had to find her place. But now this is different, because this is medical. And this is there are more clear roles, but there also aren't, and we just don't know where we fit into the whole thing. And after diagnosis, I decided I didn't want to do college that quarter, obviously. Um, because I needed to, you know, readjust and figure it out. And so we decided to move all my stuff back home. So we road tripped. from Seattle to Colorado, two days after I got out of the hospital. That was very interesting. They had me on 64 units of Lantis. Which,

Scott Benner 57:51 hey, wait a minute, I know what you look like. That seems like a lot.

Unknown Speaker 57:57 If I took that now, I would probably die. They were like, Oh, you'll be fine. Just take this. And you know, you'll meet with your person in Colorado. And I was like, oh, that sounds great. It was not great. I wasn't great at all. The first low blood sugar I ever had, which I remember because you know, I'm 20 diagnosed a year ago, was in the car. In the first 20 minutes of our drive.

Scott Benner 58:28 Everything's gonna be fine. Here we are. I'm sweating.

Unknown Speaker 58:31 She wouldn't let me drive course. I'm worried about me. She's like, you know, you put your blood sugar up on the dash. So we can see it the whole time. And I'm like, that sounds good. And you know, I'm starting to get a little dizzy. And I'm like, this is weird. And she pulls the car over, gets the whole box of Capri Sun, you know, we're down in juices. And for the rest of my, I think it was two or three weeks. No, I must have been at least a month. I was having at least 10 juices a day, at least.

Scott Benner 59:09 Well, yeah, because that's way too much insulin for you. But you

Unknown Speaker 59:13 know, what's funny is I found your podcast two days after I got out of the hospital because that's just me trying to get all my resources, right, as I've learned, and yours is obviously the most popular type one podcast and I was like, alright, this dude, student sounds chill. And I'm listening to your podcast and I'm like, Mom, I just gotta take more insulin for my meals like this is this is how you do it. You know, you you beat that blood sugar down. Not knowing the whole thing of like you're taking at least four times more basil than you should

Scott Benner 59:48 already Yeah, already. So

Unknown Speaker 59:50 you know, we're driving back and I'm trying to like start being a diabetes ninja or whatever. Am I blood sugars? Like, oh no, you don't. You get juices your new life. So I thought that that was just like my lifestyle for a while until I went in and they were like, you can change this. We're going to change it now. A lot and I was like, Oh, cool. Yeah. Oh, a lot

Scott Benner 1:00:21 like what do you weigh? 120 pounds? I don't know how tall you just get 30 Who cares? I'm 590 Okay, so you're more like 140 ish in that space?

Unknown Speaker 1:00:34 No, I'm like Viking sighs Oh, you're

Scott Benner 1:00:36 okay. But still forget it. Still take a lot less. Yeah, yeah, let me say this. If you weighed 200 pounds, I don't think you would use 64 units of in.

Unknown Speaker 1:00:46 Let's just say on. I'm on the five Omnipod five, right? I my total daily insulin is usually around 60 for you.

Scott Benner 1:00:56 With your bait your Bolus. Oh, I'm just saying like, I'm sorry, I don't care how much you weigh. I'm just saying like, it's way off. You know what I mean? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 1:01:05 it was like, I mean, but for being in DK, obviously, like, I get it for the first bit, you need to take more. But I'm like they sent us knowing we were driving on that much without telling us if she's going live a lot, don't do as much late. It's like they didn't tell us we could do that. Sure. So it was, you know, a headache. But with everything else, I would say I was set up for success. They gave us packets. I had like, four days of training with Vivian and she was amazing. And I learned you know all the things. And then, because I found your podcast so soon, I didn't have to sit in that space of like, not knowing what the possibilities were, you know, like, do I have to be this strict? Do I have to whatever, I don't have to do anything. I can do it. However I want to do it as long as I don't die. So. And then going to Colorado, I'm sure you've heard of the Barbara Davis Center. And he interviewed someone from there. Sure. My endo works there. He's a type one. And he is very, very strict. Like one Lifesaver brings my blood sugar up 10 points in 20 minutes strict. And I'm like, that doesn't work for me. I you know, I've lived my life with a fully functioning pancreas for 20 years. So the anticipating when I'm going to eat thing is not something I'm familiar with. It changes every day. What I Eat changes every day. I'm I'm not a habitual. This is what I'm eating person. So figuring out that I could do it however I wanted and make it work was probably my biggest takeaway initially from your podcast, I'm glad effects I would say from that. Moving forward is I just love hearing you know, everybody doing their own different thing.

Scott Benner 1:03:24 Yeah, it. Can you give some context to that for me, like what does it do for you to hear other people just like being regular people?

Unknown Speaker 1:03:35 I think it's, you know, playing into my joy of being independent. And just hearing. I think the first episode My mom and I listened to together in the car. It was about this young gymnast and her mom would come in and like fingerprick her during the night. And she was just starting to get older and maybe go out of town a little bit. And my mom's like, Oh my God, how does she do it? You know, when she's not there. And just all this confusion and the more and more we listen to that episode and others we just learned like you just figure out how to adapt. And hearing how on your podcast different people have learned that is really cool, because everyone adapts differently. So you know, I heard the episode with like the young, sarcastic Russian girl and how her parents just ordered the ex comes online, which I'm like, That's wild. But that's adapting, you figure out how to make things work for you. And the ways that everyone does it differently are just really cool to me. They give me ideas or they just are fascinating. You know, it's kind of like hearing about people who travel the world for a living. It's something that I don't think I could do but it's still really cool to hear about it and learn about it.

Scott Benner 1:05:03 And another girl from Russia moved to America. She really, she's like, much she's much older now. I'm gonna have to have her back on at some point. That's so cool. She was really great, wasn't she?

Unknown Speaker 1:05:15 Yeah, just like, you've had some amazing people on the podcast. My mom kept joking for like weeks that I'd been after dark episode.

Scott Benner 1:05:24 Well, I think you have to be, I was like, come on,

Unknown Speaker 1:05:27 like, mustard is not that rough. Then the more I thought about it, I was like, yeah, if I mentioned it at all, it's pretty much instantly. It's

Scott Benner 1:05:36 tough because I so I don't. I don't personally think of them that way. Yeah, the after dark things I would, I wouldn't give them a distinction or just is it kid friendly? It just makes it like, hey, maybe look up and realize that someone's gonna say, heroin or something during this.

Unknown Speaker 1:05:56 You want your six year old listening to this? Yeah. Like,

Scott Benner 1:05:59 I put up one this week. With a guy. It's such a sweet story. And this guy, Perry, his brother was diagnosed when his brother was like, eight months old, his brother passes away, you know, very young. And it's a major impact on his life, obviously. And then, decade or more later, Perry's diagnosed, but Perry's lack a guy who sold drugs did drugs, you know, was in trouble with the law, you know, told me he was clean. Now, when I pushed him a little longer. He's like, Well, I'm California server. And I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, we're going along. And he was just it was, it was really a story about, about how he missed his brother. Yeah, you know, and, but the details of it are, you know, what they were, and his perspective was, for sure, yeah. And his perspective was different. Like, when I at the end of the podcast, I asked him something about, like, if he was afraid of a certain drug, and he's like, Nah, they're just making a big deal out of it. And the media is like, Oh, okay. Okay. Fentanyl is not bad. Nah, not as bad as they make it sound. And I'm like, I'm like, wow, different perspective. You know, what I mean? Like, literally lift a completely different life than I'm aware of. But but a sweet guy. And, and, and told her really touching open story. Yeah, I don't see why it has to be called after dark California. So we're, but it does, because some people would listen to that and be like, I would have skipped this if I would have known. You see, I kind of

Unknown Speaker 1:07:33 see it as like, I'm sitting in a room. And there's all sorts of people there. And I'm like, I would not want to tell this exact story. If there were young children, there are people who could get triggered,

Scott Benner 1:07:47 but you know, yeah, that's how I try to think of it. So but I don't

Unknown Speaker 1:07:51 like to myself, I don't think of my my own story. Is that until I really think about it. And I'm like, yeah, not everyone talks about suicide and self harm all the time late. It's just you.

Scott Benner 1:08:05 Do you feel good about what we talked about? Or do you feel like there's something unsaid?

Unknown Speaker 1:08:11 So pretty good.

Scott Benner 1:08:13 Are you worried now your mom's gonna listen and go see you are crap episode of this.

Unknown Speaker 1:08:19 My mom's gonna love anything I talked about you are her hero she has listened to. She got like one of those Spotify things. It's like, you've listened to so many hours of the Juicebox Podcast.

Scott Benner 1:08:33 Oh, those are great for my ego. Those come out in November. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 1:08:37 She listened. She listens way more than I do. She listens. Whenever she gets chance.

Scott Benner 1:08:44 Well, hello to your mom, then.

Unknown Speaker 1:08:46 She loves everything. She loves your perspective. She loves hearing all the stories. And I'm glad that she has an outlet to for this thing that happened to her kid. Because yeah. Not very open

Scott Benner 1:08:59 about my you don't talk about a lot of other.

Unknown Speaker 1:09:02 I talked about it. I just you know, I've got it. So I don't need to be like, Oh, my blood sugar's 103. Right now, what should I do?

Scott Benner 1:09:10 Arden is back at school. And she's such she hasn't been. She already goes back and forth when her hormones get walked around. She can't. She can't eat meat. Yeah, she came home. She takes this stuff called a VAs at all. That keeps her hormones kind of balanced. It's an over the counter thing. Yeah, I've heard this. And so she stopped taking it while she was home on a break because she was just like, lazy. And then she started taking it again. She's like, she's like I'm having weird reactions like like to foods again. And I said, Well, you probably have to just get back on this for you know, be steady and I'm sure you'll feel better. She's like so for now. I've been eating like a lot of salads and stuff. So her insulin sensitivity and I think our basil are a little too strong for her eating style at the moment. Right so she's been kind of fighting with Lowe's a little bit while we been fixing it.

Unknown Speaker 1:10:01 College is hard. Yeah, it'd be hard. Yeah, dorm life because you don't have a kitchen. Like I was eating crackers for half my meals when I went back and I failed that quarter anyways, so

Scott Benner 1:10:19 Well, last night she got low, lower overnight, and I sent her a text. And I said you're low. And she said, I know. And I said, I think you need to test because it was the first day of a CGM. And I was like, why don't you test and she's just said, Dad.

Unknown Speaker 1:10:35 That is so many. I heard Arden's episode and I was like, That is me, like four years ago to a tee. Just the most sarcastic, snarky. Amazing. Go get it? You got it. Person.

Scott Benner 1:10:53 Well, I sent her back a note that said Mom and I are worried. It's scary to be this far away when it says that you're this low. And she said, Dad, I'm aware.

Unknown Speaker 1:11:05 That was sent so many of those. Can I ask what your low alarm is for Arden?

Scott Benner 1:11:12 On my phone? It's 70.

Unknown Speaker 1:11:14 See, my mom's is 55.

Scott Benner 1:11:17 At Ardens I think is at 80. While she's at school. She's usually 70.

Unknown Speaker 1:11:23 Mine was 75. My mom's I just couldn't I could not. I was like, I promise you. I've got it. And if I don't, then yeah, I usually get down 55. And she'll call me. Yeah. Well, my boyfriend's on it.

Scott Benner 1:11:38 Well, silly. That's nice to you have another person and Arden pardonnez roommates who have Dexcom set at 55 for her. But they're also you know, they're lovely people, but they're different than the people who were at the party who were like, hey, live really tired. Oh, well, she was taking a nap. Show me all right. So there's still kids. You know what I mean? They don't understand the whole like depth of it.

Unknown Speaker 1:12:05 Yeah, but which numbers mean come on. Which numbers mean they're fine. Yeah, yeah. Hey,

Scott Benner 1:12:11 do you want to call this episode? too silly.

Unknown Speaker 1:12:17 I would love that.

Scott Benner 1:12:19 I wish I could. I'm sorry. Oh. Perfect. Yeah, I mean, I think people might I don't know. I think people would skip it. But maybe they'd be like, they just rushed to it. I'd have to put a lot of Asterix in the title. There just be a C and an ass I think maybe Yeah, yeah. But I wanted to do justice to your your way of, of cursing. Yeah, try calling your friends hooker. And just see what happens. Just be like, hey, what do you hook us up to today? Don't just breeze right past it and see how they react. You know? Like, I don't need to get punched. I'm also

Unknown Speaker 1:12:59 not using groups of people. So just be like

Scott Benner 1:13:06 I don't know. I think by the way, I think your your generation is pushing past the being really offended thing. I think it's I think it's the other way a little bit.

Unknown Speaker 1:13:19 I'm so tired

Scott Benner 1:13:20 of being upset about everything because somebody told you to be

Unknown Speaker 1:13:23 Yeah, I just I get it. Like there's a lot to fight for right now. But sometimes just gotta chill because life's short. And nothing matters. Yeah, we're so small.

Scott Benner 1:13:34 I'm telling you. I think it's going the other way. Long. You're having fun and staying healthy. You know? Yeah. Everything's good. Yeah, I agree. All right. Well, what is what are your goals here? Like you're I'm gonna let you go in a second. But what are you trying to do in the world? You what your lifetime what would you learn to learn to do in college?

Unknown Speaker 1:13:55 Nothing last year. Except that Portland is horrible. But I Sorry, sorry. That's a fact statement. Okay, it might have been cool one point but it went backwards. It's there's no one it's just an empty boarded up city with really horrible, horrible, terrible things happening. Yeah, I'm sorry. You didn't want to go there. But I'm in Seattle now. So it's all good. You can forget about that. Um, my goal is I'm trying to go into UX design. It's like user interface design. So computer science type thing.

Scott Benner 1:14:34 Is it going well? Do you understand it? Is that easy for you to pick up?

Unknown Speaker 1:14:38 Well, considering I'm technically only one quarter in because of getting diabetes? You don't really know. So far so good. Um, yeah, starting overs. Great. I'm feeling good about it. This this go around good. And I also do hope someday I can do some tattoos on people. So that's my real dream. But there's no good insurance in tattooing. Oh, no, I need good insurance.

Scott Benner 1:15:09 Are you? Are you good? Like, are you good at it?

Unknown Speaker 1:15:13 Well, I think I'm an okay artist, but a lot of people have my art on their body already. So maybe that's the way you that's gotta say something.

Scott Benner 1:15:26 I hope it's a part time job as you're learning the other stuff.

Unknown Speaker 1:15:29 Yeah. At some point, I just gotta get that insurance first. You know, that's my main goal.

Scott Benner 1:15:36 It's funny, I, there'll be an episode that goes up in a week or two, with Stephen, who's just an older gentleman who's just brilliant about diabetes. And he talked about how when he was younger, that was the everybody he knew who had diabetes, it was their only focus was to get a job with insurance. That's pretty much what they were worried about.

Unknown Speaker 1:15:58 So I'm, I'm definitely yeah, in that

Scott Benner 1:16:01 headspace. It's Listen, we tell our da all the time. Like you can do whatever you want, as long as it has insurance.

Unknown Speaker 1:16:08 That's true fast. Yeah. Well, you want to hear my one diabetes genius thing that I have figured out. Yeah. It might not be accurate, but it's how I think about it. Go ahead. So say you have you know, a piece of toast that you decide not to Bolus for because you know, you're stubborn and lazy. When your blood sugar gets high, and you're sitting there and you're like, Oh, I'll do a correction. That's, that's wrong. You don't want to do that. You want to Bolus for the bread plus the correction. Because you still ate that many carbs, right? But now your blood sugar's high and sticky. So you need both the amount of bread plus the correction to bring you back down

Scott Benner 1:16:53 to get low after you do that, because the timing gets messed up, or no.

Unknown Speaker 1:16:58 I didn't on MDI. But now on the five since it like auto corrects it definitely will bring you low. Yeah, because you're going up because it's already dosing, you know. So

Scott Benner 1:17:07 can you look at what Omnipod five is put in already and then do a hybrid version

Unknown Speaker 1:17:13 apparent, but it does it every, you know, like, five minutes or whatever, so I can't anticipate what it's going to do. Over that time. So now, I mean, I don't really go pi. Too often. I don't go above 200.

Scott Benner 1:17:27 Yeah, like, is that about where you think of high?

Unknown Speaker 1:17:31 No, I think of high over one. 150.

Scott Benner 1:17:34 Okay. 200 right bike for you.

Unknown Speaker 1:17:38 To hundreds. Like if you're above 200 You got to you got to strap in because that's not fun. I get really tired. I go and take a nap. Every time I go high. I get so sleepy. And I'm like, oh, it's decay all over again.

Scott Benner 1:17:56 I remember be the sleepy well. What am i You have to help me a little bit what do I name this episode? Because it's gonna be after dark like can I call it sleepy camel? No. Oh, look at you. Now your egos in play. You're like no, I don't want that. Because I can't call it like, like, what do you want? Like, you know what I mean? Like, formally suicidal is not going to be good. So we've decided to silly won't make it past the people at Apple podcasts. So what do

Unknown Speaker 1:18:29 we do now? Sad but not about diabetes.

Scott Benner 1:18:33 But you're not good at the title thing at all. It's too long. Neither are you. Great at it.

Unknown Speaker 1:18:41 Yeah, yeah. All right. I never know what the episodes about though. You're just like this is a weird name. And then you're like, This person has diabetes and like that tells me literally nothing but I'm gonna listen anyway.

Scott Benner 1:18:53 Well, don't you think that's part of my mad genius then? Yeah, nice. Nice

Unknown Speaker 1:18:57 pose.

Scott Benner 1:18:58 How about the other day HBA one say did you love that one? Did you see

Unknown Speaker 1:19:06 Yeah, Dad humor Scott.

Scott Benner 1:19:08 What the lady said she kept saying my HPA one see it I'm like damn it. That's the title of this episode. I just I in all seriousness, you can't you can't to specifically title them because of the random way that I talk. Yeah, no one will know if you were famous then it would just be your name.

Unknown Speaker 1:19:31 Yeah, I mean you could call it live without the

Scott Benner 1:19:35 live without the

Unknown Speaker 1:19:36 everyone's trying to spell it with me but

Scott Benner 1:19:40 I don't know Don't you think they're gonna see like a

Unknown Speaker 1:19:43 complete on call it you can honestly Call it whatever you want. I I don't really have a huge preference.

Scott Benner 1:19:54 Can I call it live? Almost, I repeat. No, that would be one All right. That was a movie right? Live die repeat. Yeah. All right. See, there's a problem here because you have to be sensitive. I'm just gonna call it live. Because maybe that's appropriate, because that's what you're doing right?

Unknown Speaker 1:20:18 Yeah. You can call it live apostrophe i n live in.

Scott Benner 1:20:23 What? What if I do it like this? L I V? And then in brackets I put the E. Yeah, no, you didn't.

Unknown Speaker 1:20:37 I mean, that's why I named my I named myself live my legal names, not odus. I mean, it's not live. It's Odessa. And I named myself live after I got out of the hospital. So every time someone says my name, they're reminding me to keep living.

Scott Benner 1:20:51 Oh, that's a great idea. One of my daughter's best friend's name is Olivia. And I say live a lot. But can I do that? What do you think? Oh, IV and then put the E and like, alright, that's okay. We're done. We figured the whole thing. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 1:21:07 One question. All right. Before you ask the question, okay. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:21:11 Can I say I think I might start discussing the titles at the end with the people because I go back to edit them. And I'm like, what? Am I gonna call this? I'm gonna do that. Alright, you have a question? Oh, do I get the answer? Yeah, and I'm ready.

Unknown Speaker 1:21:27 Um, if you can, I mean, it's a kind of an arbitrary thing, but I just went in to get my valency of 5.5. Nice. Which sounds great. But you know, clarities like, Bitch, I don't think so. Um, it says I'm in like, a 6.6. area.

Scott Benner 1:21:50 How long have you been on the five? Omnipod? Five, how long have you been on at least

Unknown Speaker 1:21:56 three months? At least?

Scott Benner 1:21:58 What was your agency before the Omnipod five.

Unknown Speaker 1:22:06 It was also low. It was definitely below. Like a 6.2.

Scott Benner 1:22:12 Showing your age here live. Like you're yelling, you're like, I don't remember what that was six months ago. Leave me on. I so you were 6.2. It's as 5.5. Now clarity thinks it's higher. My first thought would be just go three more months. And look again to see if clarity. So I've

Unknown Speaker 1:22:28 had to, it's been 5.4. And now it's 5.5. Both times clarity says like 6.6 is just point seven. And my endo said that maybe I have an iron thing or whatever. All the blood tests came back. Fine.

Scott Benner 1:22:44 What's your ferritin? Level? My what? ferritin. It's part of the iron test.

Unknown Speaker 1:22:51 There are a ton. I don't know. But it's normal. Like all of the ones were in range, except my blood sugar.

Scott Benner 1:22:58 Okay, so in range for iron is kind of arbitrary. Most. So they'll tell you like, between, I don't know, hold on a second, you're gonna make me Google. I'm sorry, we'll do it together they can, they'll tell you that a for like a normal range for blood Farington for men, for example, is 24 to 36 to like 336. Only for women, it's 11 to 307. If your ferritin is 11 You're gonna fall over, especially if you're have what they call menstruating age. So I've had doctors on that said that they would treat a seven different one as low. And and your doctor's point is that low iron could throw off the a one C test and make it look lower than it is. Is that was that your doctor's point?

Unknown Speaker 1:23:54 Yeah. And like I don't believe

Scott Benner 1:23:59 also clarity is not doing anyone see it's doing a What the hell do they call

Unknown Speaker 1:24:03 it Jim? GMI. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:24:07 See if we can figure that out. Which I

Unknown Speaker 1:24:09 know is different. But I mean like looking at my average glucose it does not match a 5.5. So so then you can mind just pretending

Scott Benner 1:24:19 Yeah. So then what I'm saying is, is that maybe you should look harder at your Iron Hold on for a certain range a ones see, I don't want to say anything. Influence of iron deficiency anemia on hemoglobin Kneeland. See, reading, scanning with his eyes. Also being a little anemic, and having some of the other issues you have would not be reasonable.

Unknown Speaker 1:24:50 I mean, my mom isn't even so I wouldn't be surprised

Scott Benner 1:24:56 what's your what's your TSH when you get your thyroid done? Do you know

Unknown Speaker 1:24:59 my My TSH right now is 1.89 and I off the levothyroxine. So really, apparently I'm cured. Yeah, that happened a while ago. I don't take it anymore.

Scott Benner 1:25:11 We did they had hypothyroidism or Hashimotos.

Unknown Speaker 1:25:15 We have never been actually diagnosed with Hashimotos. But considering all the other like, what do you call it autoimmune stuff? I would assume

Scott Benner 1:25:27 so, but are you still tired a lot?

Unknown Speaker 1:25:32 I sleep a lot, but I'm not like

Scott Benner 1:25:35 when you sleep you feel rested when you're done.

Unknown Speaker 1:25:40 So long as I have coffee.

Scott Benner 1:25:41 That's a no.

Unknown Speaker 1:25:46 I I'm not great

Scott Benner 1:25:47 with the sleep. I want, I think, not where I used to be hematologist.

Unknown Speaker 1:25:54 Hematology.

Scott Benner 1:25:55 Yeah. Blood doctor. Normally they help people. They're going to be a lot of cancer patients in his office, but go go to a hematologist, excuse me. And tell them your mom is anemic. You have type one diabetes. And you your energy is low and your agency is reporting falsely low. Okay, and ask him if he would or her see this. Trouble I get into just trying to have a conversation. I don't think that women can't be hematologists or by the way, trans people or anyone else, right? I'm just It just occurs to me to say no, live now we kind of talk about it. When I picture a doctor in my head. I picture my doctor.

Unknown Speaker 1:26:44 That's always the man. Yeah, it's always been a man. Yes. My I don't know. Honestly, many than all the other ones.

Scott Benner 1:26:50 Can I be honest? I don't know if my hematologist has always been a man. I've never asked them. But what I can tell you what I can tell you is is that if if he was a cheeses if he was a woman just now I would have said she because I'm very brave.

Unknown Speaker 1:27:05 I'm literally just I'm just joking. I know. You mean the best? Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:27:09 put actually, you know what intention very important. Now. Anyway, I would tell this person this doctor. Yes. That if you're if your ferritin level is under 70. Just ask him if he would consider giving you an iron infusion.

Unknown Speaker 1:27:28 Is are you saying ferritin? I don't know

Scott Benner 1:27:31 what is this like a West Coast, East Coast fight.

Unknown Speaker 1:27:35 Ta m f,

Scott Benner 1:27:38 f e r r i t i n? Okay, well, also, other, like inflammatory markers can impact your agency response to in the test. So my point is, is that you want to know, you think maybe you're seeing your agency reporting back incorrectly. And you want to make sure that it's not a function of anemia of some kind, all right, and if your levels are white, and tell him you're tired all the time, and you need caffeine to function. And because if you can get if you can get your insurance to give you one inject like infusion of of, of iron, you the next time your body makes red blood cells with that new iron rich blood, you are going to like fixed you are going to turn back on. And then you're going to know that that was the case. And then you can look into ways to address it without the without the infusion because if he tells you take an iron supplement, that's it because you're menstruating that may never catch you back. So that's the liver for the rest of my life. I guess that's what they did in the 50s All right, that's it. I'm not a doctor. This isn't advice Good luck. medical advice for other or otherwise, you were not like talking to a person your age.

Unknown Speaker 1:29:07 Or you mean oh you mean Yeah, cuz I'm young.

Scott Benner 1:29:10 Yeah. It felt like you were you don't feel your age? Yeah, I've

Unknown Speaker 1:29:13 been told that many many times. I had the trauma Scott.

Scott Benner 1:29:18 He right up 10 years. Oh, really does. Okay, so if somebody's acting really like childish did I just dangling off a bridge for a minute by their ankles. You think that pose? Well, I

Unknown Speaker 1:29:35 have some sense of doing what they used to do in the 40s. And it worked.

Scott Benner 1:29:39 I don't know if it worked or not, but they definitely used to do you just can't thank live enough for coming on the show and being so honest and open with everybody. Thank you so very much. And thank you to Omni pod for sponsoring this and so many other episodes of The Juicebox Podcast omnipod.com forward slash juicebox. You get to hear a lot of these stories because of the great sponsors. Please support them when you can. If you're looking for community, find the Juicebox Podcast on Facebook Juicebox Podcast type one diabetes is a private Facebook group with 40,000 people in it. Sorry I needed a drink. Doesn't matter what kind of diabetes you have to meet type two type one lot of gestational. You're a parent of somebody, a grandparent, an adult living with. I don't care what you eat. I don't care how you live. You're welcome there. Thank you so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast. Please subscribe or follow in and audio app like Apple podcasts, Spotify, Amazon music, you know all the podcast apps wherever you do it like wherever you listen, just please subscribe.