#853 After Dark: Sexual Assault and Foster Care

February 21, 2023Scott Benner

ADULT TOPIC WARNING. Sexual Assault. TRIGGER WARNING: This is a frank discussion with a female assault survivor. Amanda has type 1 diabetes and she has overcome a lot.

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Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 853 of the Juicebox Podcast.

On today's episode of the podcast I'll be speaking with Amanda she has type one diabetes, and a number of things have happened to Amanda throughout her life that are going to be difficult to listen to. I just want you to be aware of that upfront. While you're listening today, please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, please Always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan or becoming bold with insulin. If you are type one or have C now I'm all thrown off by this. If you have type one diabetes and are a US resident or are the caregiver of someone with type one, please consider going to T one D exchange.org. Forward slash juicebox. So you can take the survey when you complete the survey, your supporting type one diabetes research can do it from your home it is very simple. Will take fewer probably than 10 minutes about what it took me t one D exchange.org forward slash juicebox. Again, I'm I don't want to sensationalize this, but you know be ready

this episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by touched by type one to see an organization helping others with type one diabetes. All you have to do is go to touched by type one.org and find them on Facebook and Instagram touched by type one. today's podcast is also sponsored by us med now us med is where Arden gets her diabetes supplies from and you can too. Just go to us med.com forward slash juice box or call 888-721-1514 To get your free benefits check. Hey, and do you know what US med just got? The Dexcom G seven that's right you can get the Dexcom G seven G six the FreeStyle Libre two N three systems all at US med. All that and a lot more at us. med.com forward slash juicebox

Amanda 2:24
My name is Amanda and I am 27 years old. And I've had type one diabetes for almost 17 years.

Scott Benner 2:34
How's that your work? Were you 10?

Amanda 2:37
Yep, I was 1010

Scott Benner 2:39
for 17 years. You're 27 type one. Any other stuff? You get a fun celiac thing or anything like that. I have Hashimotos you go so you got a bonus thing? Oh, yeah. You don't want to just I mean, if you just have one? Yeah, when he just had diabetes. How boring with that. Exactly. Hashimotos was diagnosed with

Amanda 3:05
I think I was around 14.

Scott Benner 3:08
Okay. Took a couple of years. How about other people in your immediate family? Mom, dad, Sisters Brothers? Do they have anything autoimmune?

Amanda 3:18
Um, I have a first cousin on my dad's side that has type one. And then my mom and grandma. I have a whole bunch of people in my family that have Hashimotos.

Scott Benner 3:30
But on you're interesting, isn't it on your mother's side? The Hashimotos on your dad or vice versa? One side house? Yeah. So I typed

Amanda 3:37
on my mom's side is the Hashimotos. And data's diabetes.

Scott Benner 3:41
Do you think people with autoimmune diseases put off a beacon that attracts other people during dating? I mean, how often do you listen to the podcast? Somebody's like, yeah, I have type one but my husband's family has and you're like, really? Like, you know how many people you you know, you don't? Maybe it doesn't seem like that. If you listen to the podcast, you have type one, but not everyone has autoimmune diseases. So you know what I mean? Like, but it's interesting how many times that kind of pairs up like that. Do you have?

Amanda 4:12
I have one. Does that kid have anything? No, she is only 14 months old. So nothing so far.

Unknown Speaker 4:20
Do you meet a baby? That's lovely.

Amanda 4:23
Thank you. She's adorable.

Scott Benner 4:25
gratulations that's wonderful. 14 months. Yes, you're maybe Are you coming out of the other side of the exhaustion and the craziness.

Amanda 4:34
I thought I was and then she just got worse.

Scott Benner 4:40
How did she get worse?

Amanda 4:42
Oh, she's just been waking up in the middle of the night and just not a not wanting to cooperate when it comes to sleep right now.

Scott Benner 4:52
You'll get her nice and settled then she'll have a tooth come and then that'll start.

Amanda 4:57
Yeah, that's what I'm wondering if that's what's going on. But it. Who knows, you know, it's like Are they sick are the teething what's going on? Pro pro

Scott Benner 5:05
tip? Sometimes the cutting of the teeth comes with diarrhea, like as a speaking of bonuses. Oh, so much. A little extra. You're married? Is that correct? Yes. Yeah. How long?

Amanda 5:19
Only four years in June.

Scott Benner 5:21
Okay. All right. I think we understand who you are, generally speaking, let's find out who you are in a more detailed way. So I guess I want to know first about being diagnosed at 10. Because that seems like an interesting age.

Amanda 5:37
Yeah, that was definitely a shocker for me. But I was just sick for a long, long time. I think maybe I had a stomach virus and it just kind of never went away. My mom was actually an RN in the ER at the time. And it had went on for so long that she took me in. And we went to the doctor's lounge, and she got one of her doctor friends to come back. And he took one look at me and smelled my breath and said, Cindy, she has type one diabetes. So it was very, very shocking.

Scott Benner 6:12
Do you think he builds your insurance $5,000 to smell your breath? Probably. We performed significant testing on the kid definitely has diabetes. Do you remember much? I know why you're on the show. So everything I want to ask you seems like it should be prefaced. So Oh, yeah. Why don't you tell people what made you want to come on the podcast?

Amanda 6:37
Well, I saw in the Facebook group that you had posted about getting more after dark episodes. And so I reached out because I grew up in my teenage years in foster care and group homes. And I just thought that would be beneficial to people to understand what that was like.

Scott Benner 6:57
Can we find out first how you how you got there? Oh, yeah, for sure. So if you're 10 When you're diagnosed, and it sounds like your mother's a nurse you were you talking about your birth mom or a foster care, mom?

Amanda 7:09
Yeah, no, that was my my real mom. And everything. I hate to say everything, but all the reasons that I was in the group home was stemmed from my diabetes.

Scott Benner 7:23
Really? Because Amanda, let me tell you, have you ever watched shameless? Oh, yes. So I'm like four seasons into shameless. So while you're talking, I was like, Oh, this is definitely about math, and alcoholism. And the parents were probably pimping her out, this is gonna be a terrible episode. And then you're like, What is this about my diabetes, really something? So how?

Amanda 7:45
I mean, there's other things that that will, you know, I can get into that go into it. But the biggest reason was because of my diabetes.

Scott Benner 7:54
Alright, so, I mean, if you grew up for years and years and years in, in a classic family structure, was there. I mean, if you look back on your life, were there anything? If I how do I want to put this? I don't know if the first 10 years of your life were a TV show what I noticed anything that would make me think, oh, One day this kid is going to be in foster care.

Amanda 8:17
I'm definitely I definitely not a TV show than my first 10 years. I my mom and dad got divorced when I was three, I think, and that was really rough. My dad using drugs a lot. And it was just a really rough time. And he was never super consistent with like seeing me. But from the ages of six to nine, I was abused by my babysitter's husband, oh my God, and no one ever knew. No one ever knew for a long, long time. So that went on for from six to nine. And then we moved because my mom had gotten remarried. And then once we moved, that's whenever I was diagnosed with type one.

Scott Benner 9:10
My assumption and I'm not asking you to give me details, but they weren't hitting you. There was a sexual abuse. Yeah, from six to nine. So we your mom was in a situation where she had to leave you with somebody to go to work. She chose somebody. And

Amanda 9:25
it was actually someone from a church. It was a woman from church. And then it was her husband.

Scott Benner 9:34
Wow. Well, you know, all the people who aren't religious to her that were just right now in their cars, they this is what they did. And I know it. Yep. Yeah. Well, I don't go there right now.

Amanda 9:48
I didn't want to like, throw that in there. But I mean, my mom obviously like thought that they were good people.

Scott Benner 9:54
No, no, no, I understand. I just I don't know in the middle of such a sad story. I imagined everyone Listening just going see redemption. I told you I was doing the right thing. These church people. Anyway, not to say that, of course everyone who goes to church would do something terrible. I just I don't know, it made me laugh for a second. I don't know what's wrong with me. That in the middle of that I was like, redemption for the people who don't believe right here. No,

Amanda 10:20
I knew that was coming. Yeah, sorry.

Scott Benner 10:22
I don't know. One day I'll talk to a therapist. Probably do it on the podcast. Honestly, I need content. So

Amanda 10:28
anyway, interesting.

Scott Benner 10:31
Okay, so Well, that's terrible. But so your mom moved away? Having never known this happened to you?

Amanda 10:38
Yeah, no one ever knew until I might have been like, 14. I think whenever I finally told someone, I was in a group home, whenever I ended up telling someone, finally,

Scott Benner 10:50
something. First of all, three years is a long time. And it sounds like this person was babysitting you for your mom's job. So did you have a lot of proximity to this person? That wasn't just like a couple of times a year thing? I guess is what I'm asking.

Amanda 11:03
Yeah. My mom worked two or three jobs throughout my childhood. And so I was there like, overnight, we would go on like trips out of state trips to like their family for holidays. Yeah, I was there all the time.

Scott Benner 11:23
Can you tell me a little bit about what it's like to have this? These experiences? not tell anybody? First of all, why do you not tell anybody? Is there threats? Or?

Amanda 11:36
Yeah, I think. I don't know if it like just became normal for me. Like, it was just like, oh, this is just what's supposed to happen. And I've blocked a lot of it out. Honestly, I don't remember a lot of it. But yeah, I think it just became like a normal. And I mean, he did say like, oh, this is just between like us. And it started out as just like, minor things. And then it escalated. So it wasn't like this huge thing from the very beginning. Yeah, no, I

Scott Benner 12:08
understand. So So when this is happening, there's a lot of Imagine there's a lot of blocking it out. But how does it come to the surface? Like? It's not my first question. My first question is, do you have any context looking back about how it impacted you, I'm assuming it was poorly. But there are ways that you can point to things about your personality or how you saw life or anything like that.

Amanda 12:33
I mean, it definitely did not set me up for, like, good teenage years. I was very rebellious and very, like, would sleep around at a very young age. And I think part of that, too, is like my dad not really being involved in my life that much. Probably contributed to that. But yeah, it definitely having like my own daughter now, makes me extra cautious. And like, Look at everyone. Yeah, that's like, a red flag popping up whenever there's not

Scott Benner 13:13
gonna match. Well, I would imagine that makes sense. So okay, so you were kind of hypersexual at a young age. And was that prior? I mean, when does that start for you? At what age do you start doing this on your own?

Amanda 13:32
I started having sex at 1313. And I was still kind of in and out of group homes at that time. I didn't officially like get out of group homes until I was like right before I turned 16 I think and so it was kind of like a little bit there. And then once I got out of group homes, I was home all the time. It was it was pretty bad.

Scott Benner 13:59
When does your birth mother become? Oh god you were in the home when you told somebody the first time you said about the abuse so your your birth Mom's not in your life?

Amanda 14:12
No, she is She She is my mom's always been super involved in trying to do the best that she could with what she knew at the time and

Scott Benner 14:25
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Amanda 17:12
Yeah, she would always visit me and bring me stuff whenever I was living in group homes. Alright,

Scott Benner 17:17
so let's find out how all that fits together. So you're diagnosed when you're 10? Do you remember your symptoms were the day it happened?

Amanda 17:25
Yeah, I definitely remember. Like I said, I had like a stomach virus. And it just seemed like it never went away. I lost a bunch of weight. I would go to the bathroom all the time, I would drink so much water, I would like wake up in the middle of the night and just be surrounded by like 20 water bottles. Because I was drinking so much. And I would get like these random bouts of like shakiness. And my mom would always be like, Oh, just go eat like, you have any in a while. And I would eat and I would feel better. And the day I was diagnosed, I don't really remember. I just know that my mom knew that, like one of her friends was working in took me in just to have them look me over.

Scott Benner 18:05
Do you recall if you were in DK or not? Oh, yeah, I was. Okay, so the diagnosis happens. And then what is Do you remember your reaction to the diagnosis?

Amanda 18:20
I think at first I didn't really understand what it actually meant. Because I was in the hospital. And my friends got to come and see me and they would bring like board games and we would play and my, I think it was my grandma bought like sugar free jelly beans. I just didn't wish her disgusting. I just didn't know like what it meant. And then once I came home, it sank in more because everyone around me had that mentality of like, Oh, are you allowed to eat this now? Okay, so I think that's when it kind of started like my negative outlook on diabetes.

Scott Benner 19:03
Right away people were about what are you allowed to have? What are you not allowed to have? And it probably was constant

Amanda 19:09
constantly, people would ask me that. Are you allowed to have that? Are you allowed to eat this? Can you eat that?

Scott Benner 19:15
Did you have any, any eating disorders as a child?

Amanda 19:22
No, I wouldn't say so. I mean, whenever I started living in like foster care, and group homes and stuff, I definitely would hide food. Like in my room and stuff, but that was more because again, like Are you allowed to eat this and they would restrict food sometimes. And so I just kind of felt like I had to have it.

Scott Benner 19:43
So can I get a little background about your saying the diabetes caused your separation from your mom, but how does that happen?

Amanda 19:51
So I think it was around whenever I was 12 I've had diabetes for about a year and a half or so we had moved again. And I just kind of stopped taking care of my diabetes, I would lie to my mom and tell her I took my insulin or checked my blood sugar. And I would end up in DKA, multiple times. And I don't remember how it exactly came about, but the state got involved because I was in the hospital over and over again for the same thing. And they had taken custody of me and pretty much said that if my mom couldn't take care of me, then I'd have to go into a foster home. Like, straightened

Scott Benner 20:42
out where they also wouldn't take care of you. I imagined but excuse me, I'm sorry, I have bronchitis. I got I got um, I forget what they called it. But apparently you get COVID. And now you get bronchitis afterwards. Again, like a bonus. So Oh, yeah. Like the diarrhea with the teeth. So if I if I talk too quickly, or laugh, I'm gonna cough. I apologize. You're fine. Thanks. So. Okay, so you're just stopped taking care of yourself? About a year and a half into your diabetes? Do you have context for why you did that?

Amanda 21:22
Not exactly.

Scott Benner 21:24
I wouldn't imagine you would, but I just have to

Amanda 21:26
ask. I wish. Yeah. No, I mean, I wish I understood it more. Myself. But no, not really, I think a lot of it was because of the abuse that I had went through that, like, stopped suddenly. And then like, you know, no one knew about it, but me. You know, having to like move to a new school and having this new diagnosis and my dad not being involved. I just, it was just a lot of things.

Scott Benner 21:53
Do you ever remember feeling at all suicidal or anything?

Amanda 21:58
Yeah, I had actually, a few times throughout, like, those years had went to like a psychiatric facility because I had attempted suicide. And whenever I was in the group home at one point, like I refuse to take my insulin, and so they put me in there.

Scott Benner 22:17
And that was after diabetes. Yeah. Okay. So interesting. You said something a minute ago, you said the abuse stopped abruptly? I'm assuming because you moved. And, and that was a weird thing for you. So do you think that oh, God, I hate even asking this question. No matter. But do you think the abuse felt like attention? On some level?

Amanda 22:42
Like, did it? Oh, for sure. Oh, for sure.

Scott Benner 22:46
So when it goes away, you've been I mean, this, this horrible person has indoctrinated you already. So it now feels normal. Like, I really don't want to ask you this. But as a nine year old, when you know you're going to the babysitter in your head. Are you like, Oh, here's what will probably happen today. And like if I was like when I used to go to my grandmother's, and I knew she had an Atari and I was like, oh my god, we're gonna play Space Invaders. Like, and when did you have that feeling? Like, this is how today's going to go? It was like, I don't know. Like, I'm looking forward to it. You understand? But I mean, I'm trying to

Amanda 23:18
right? Yeah, yeah, no, I think I like did no, like, what was it depended on like the day to because sometimes, like, we would go to church, and so like, we wouldn't be at the house. So it would really just depend. But yeah, I think I did come to expect it.

Scott Benner 23:34
I see. And then all of a sudden, it's taken from you. And there's interactions and people that are now gone from your life, you move into a new place. You get diabetes, and then about a year and a half into it. It just sounds like you just couldn't take it anymore.

Amanda 23:50
Yeah, I think it just became too much. Like, I don't know, like subconsciously, I guess to handle. And it was just like coming out in a way that, you know, wasn't healthy like me not taking care of my diabetes.

Scott Benner 24:04
Yeah. So once you don't take care of it, you're not giving yourself insulin, and they send you to an institution because they think you're trying to hurt yourself. Do you then realize, like, I mean, because it doesn't sound like you were purposefully like, I'm gonna stop taking insulin because this will kill me. I don't think you were. Is that right? Am I getting that right?

Amanda 24:24
Yeah, no, I didn't. I mean, I think in the back of my mind, I knew like, I could die from it. But it wasn't my intention. Right.

Scott Benner 24:32
That's what I mean. So once it's pointed out to you that this is a tool that you could hurt yourself with. Does it become more purposeful or is it still just this? I don't care?

Amanda 24:44
Um yeah, I mean, it definitely became more purposeful like in the fact of if I didn't want to go to school like I knew that if I didn't take my insulin and I was sick, like I didn't have to go and do cuz like, I didn't use it in a way to like control anyone, but I definitely knew like how to, like, you know, use it to get what I wanted,

Scott Benner 25:12
when, when you're in that setting, and this is really what I want to start hearing about, but I'm trying to find out what it was like to be in a group home or to be in foster care. I mean, start with like a high level overview of if I said to you, hey, you were in a group home? What's that? Like? What was it like?

Amanda 25:35
The group homes were definitely harder than being in foster care, because it's definitely like a institution, like you were saying, but you're just there with usually like, if you're a girl with girls, if you're a boy or with boys. And you have depending on which one you go to, you have your own room, or you share a room with a bunch of other people. And there's just a bunch of rules that you have to follow. And there's usually like, therapy that you go to all the ones that I went to, they had like schools on site. So you still went to school like Monday through Friday? Then man, yeah, you just like eat meals with everyone like in your home? And there was staff that would like overlook you? And was it like, help help you with things

Scott Benner 26:26
set up like a barracks? Or did you have a room?

Amanda 26:29
So I was in a couple of different ones. Two of them that I was in, you had your own, like Personal Room. And then like you couldn't close the door or anything, but you had your own personal room. And then the last one that I was in, it was like an open floor plan where we like all slept in bunks in the same room.

Scott Benner 26:50
Okay, are you when you're there? How many people are you with?

Amanda 27:01
There was 20 of us in the first two that I was in. And then in the last one, I think there was only like, 12 of us to a cottage.

Scott Benner 27:12
Okay, but it's mixed, right? Like the the main site, there are boys and girls.

Amanda 27:17
The first two I was that there were mixed in. And the last one I went to it, it was only girls.

Scott Benner 27:24
Do you when you're there? Do you look at the other people and think up losers? I don't belong here. Do you look at them and think Jesus is exactly where I belong? Like, like, how was the feeling of being there?

Amanda 27:40
Yeah, no, it definitely kind of felt like, what did I get myself into? The first two an hour, I keep saying the first two because they were part of like a children's division. And the last one that I was a part of was the youth division. So that kind of makes a difference on like, why people are there. But yeah, the first two, it wasn't that bad. Because I mean, people were there for just like behavioral issues, just you know, like, not listening or not going to school or whatever. So that one wasn't bad. But the last one I went to was really rough. Because there were people in there for like manslaughter. And there were people in there for, like molesting other people. And that was pretty difficult

Scott Benner 28:30
to get around. So suddenly, you're suddenly you're I don't know how old but not that old. You've been a victim of sexual abuse. You got type one diabetes, you rebelled against it to the point where the state told your mom, hey, if you can't handle this, then she comes with us. And now you're sitting across from, from Jamie and Jeanne shank somebody. Exactly, yeah. Okay, well, that'll make you rethink everything. And I would imagine, I want to go backwards for a second and ask you a question. It's gonna be hard for you to answer. But why couldn't your mom get a handle on this?

Amanda 29:10
I think she tried. But she pretty quickly was like, you're going to do what you're going to do. And I rebelled against her pretty hard. And we've never been like, we're not like super close or anything. And so it was never like, I could just go to her and talk about anything. So yeah, I mean, she tried her best, but I was pretty difficult about it.

Scott Benner 29:39
What does that mean? She tried her best because I'm also trying to contextualize in my mind her situation, which is she was married to somebody who was a drug addict who left her with a baby. I mean, you have brothers and sisters or no.

Amanda 29:52
I have a older half sister. We're 11 years apart.

Scott Benner 29:55
Fair enough, though. She's got two kids. She She's abandoned. She's been through her own A taxing situation? I mean, I think

Amanda 30:02
yeah, I think that that, yeah, I think at that point like, like she did go through a lot of rough things in her life, like growing up for her was not easy. Her father was very abusive towards her. And so I don't want to say like she gave up, but I think she was kind of like, well, it is what it is, like, I've done what I can do. Or like, I she would just ask me a lot of times like, oh, did you take your insulin? And I would tell her? Yes. And she would just take it for what it was.

Scott Benner 30:39
Your scenario? I mean, this whole big scenario, is it geographically systemic? Like, do you really mean like, is it? I don't know. Like, I don't know where you live? And I'm not asking you to tell me. But is the my husband's an addict? We kicked him out. People abused us. Is this a story that, like, if I told you I've known a lot of people in my life, I don't know anybody who this has happened to, like, is this a thing that just happens? And therefore it's more palatable?

Amanda 31:11
I mean, yeah, I guess it could be like systemic. I guess. So. I mean, my mom also, like, had a lot of depression issues back then. And so, I mean, I really don't know, like, what went through like her mind at the time, Besides, my daughter is going to kill herself. And I'm gonna watch it happen.

Scott Benner 31:37
So hopefully, these people will come and help and we'll let the system take over. And I mean, yeah, listen, I don't want to jump to the end. But that was not valuable to you. I imagine being in this system. Yeah. So were you ever in single, like, foster care homes?

Amanda 31:58
Yes, that's where I started out. You start?

Scott Benner 32:00
Oh, because you were young and cute. And that was all like, the are those people looking to make families with foster children? Are they doing it for money? Do you think?

Amanda 32:09
No, the one I went to like, they were strictly just doing it like, like foster care, they had already adopted, I think, four or five kids. And they were older, some of them still lived in the house. And some of them were like, old enough to be on their own. So they were literally just doing it for, like, whatever reason for their own personal reasons. But the one I went to she had just became like a medically licensed foster care home. And I was her first type one diabetic. And then while I was there, another girl came, and I believe she was also type one diabetic.

Scott Benner 32:50
So she gets herself a medical distinction so that she can bring kids in that have other issues proving she can handle them. Sounds well intended. Although I imagine there's probably a little bump and pay for that. But that's I'm not going to put that on her. Was she helpful? Or did you just rebel against her?

Amanda 33:09
No, I mean, she was, she was nice. Again, like she just did the best that she could with like the information that she had. It was really the other kids in the home that were kind of rough to be around. It was always like, you don't live here. I do. Like you're a guest. I never felt like I was fully at home like that's who it was like nine months or so.

Scott Benner 33:39
That's a long time to not feel welcome. Did anyone bring up church? And if they did realize, oh, no, no, I'm not doing that again.

Amanda 33:45
Oh, yeah. No, it was a requirement for us to go to church every Sunday there.

Scott Benner 33:49
Gotcha. When do you tell somebody hey, listen, from six to nine. I was abused by my babysitter's husband.

Amanda 33:57
I think I was 14. So I was 13 when I went to the foster home. And then I had gotten out of the foster home for a little bit because they thought like, oh, I can go back home and like, it'll be fine. And it wasn't fine. I had gotten into a lot of trouble at school and gotten kicked out. And then I got arrested and put in juvie. And then I went to my first group home.

Scott Benner 34:30
I because you're part of my group, I know what you look like. And he's just such a pleasant person. That when you say, when you say things, like when I got arrested and things like that, I'm like really? This girl, okay?

Amanda 34:44
It's It's shocking. Wow.

Scott Benner 34:47
You don't look like somebody who's gonna. Who's gonna stick me sell me meth and throw me in front of a train. You know what I mean? No, just don't. So tell me tell me a couple of things. Got in trouble? How do you get in trouble?

Amanda 35:03
So, I was a freshman in high school, I was 14. And I had started hanging out with people, which is like, not their fault, like this is all on me. But I had started like smoking weed and drinking a lot. And I had taken the hochkar and a water bottle to school and got drunk. And the next day I got called into the principal's office, and I got like, expelled from school. And

Scott Benner 35:36
for the vodka. Yeah, I'm sorry. This is not an appropriate question. But how'd you get hot?

Amanda 35:44
I'm pretty sure someone like told on me.

Scott Benner 35:45
Who would you tell Amanda?

Amanda 35:48
Well, I was trying to like be cool. And I was like, sharing it with people. And that was my first mistake. Yeah, I know. Well, I guess my first mistake was bringing it to school in the first place to tell you

Scott Benner 35:59
I'm stopping myself every five minutes from asking you what part of the Midwest you're from, but am I close? Okay, other people bring it back in Jersey, too. So I'm just saying. Your story. Your story plays like a Hulu television show. It really does. Like, like, did you watch shameless and think? Are you people stealing from me? Like, I'd be like, who was in my house writing this down? Oh, my God. Okay, so you get booted out of school is the weed and the cigs and all of that just to be like, popular? Where we're, you?

Amanda 36:38
Know, I mean, I, I liked it. You know, it wasn't. It wasn't like, I was just doing it just because it was just a way for me to get out of the house and like, forget everything and

Scott Benner 36:49
wait, because the doubt your downtime when you're in those homes is sitting around, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then there's all these they give you like a tivities. But it's not like, yeah, not activities that I would imagine fill the the, the minds of people who have proclivities like you're finding they're like, these people are not like, oh, yeah, monopoly, they're like, we should go kill something. Or have sex with something or smoke something NOT. NOT see who gets Park Place? I'm imagining. Okay, so there's just a lot of time. You're around people. And let's be fair, you're one of them. Right? Like, yeah, there's somebody telling their story right now. It's like, oh, man, I was with this girl who wouldn't take her insulin? It like it like, yeah, so, but it doesn't feel like that. Right? Like, you feel like you don't belong there while it's happening.

Amanda 37:45
What do ya mean? I definitely like, wish it would have been different.

Scott Benner 37:49
Yeah, no kidding. Well, I'm Yeah, obviously. I'm sorry. Okay, so it comes out? Does it come out in therapy? Do you tell somebody you're just like, you know?

Amanda 37:59
Yeah. So eventually, I make my way into one of the group homes, I think it was the second one I was in. And we would be like in a bunch of group therapies with all the other residents. And people would, you know, talk about the things that they went through, and it would be the same thing, and I kind of realized, like, Oh, that wasn't normal. And I had like a staff member that I really trusted. And I ended up telling her,

Scott Benner 38:29
just anything happened to the babysitter's husband.

Amanda 38:35
Not that I know of I kind of purposely like didn't want to know. I looked them up on Facebook at one point. And he had died. And so I don't know like exactly when he had passed away, but he had died. And so I don't even know like if he was alive whenever

Scott Benner 38:59
everything happened. I'm glad he's dead. And however long he lived was too long. So yeah, did it give you any comfort to know he was dead?

Amanda 39:08
Yeah, kind of I mean, part of me, like later on wished I would have told someone sooner because who knows? Like, if that happened to someone else, but yeah, like knowing that if it was over, like felt good.

Scott Benner 39:28
Well, did it send you into therapy? They hear this and they go, Oh, Amanda needs therapy. Now we've we've learned this about her. Did they tell your parents your mom?

Amanda 39:39
Yeah, so my mom, they actually like at the group home, we had to have a meeting and they brought my mom in. And they told her that was pretty traumatic. Yeah. I mean, ya know, they ended up telling me

Scott Benner 39:54
I know you're not that close with her but has she ever brought it up to you she apart? I mean, not There's an apology to be made. But did she ever say I apologize? I know I put you there, or do you get anything like that?

Amanda 40:07
Maybe in the beginning, like when we like when we first told her but now we like Do not ever talk about it.

Scott Benner 40:16
Yeah. Trying to decide at what age do you think your wife mean? Because you're you're married now you have a baby. And you would describe this these things as being in your past? Yes. When does that happen? And how does that happen? Where do you? How do you make that transition? What What starts you in that direction? Like you taking care of your blood sugar? Like, I'm not talking to you right now with like, a 15? A one C, right?

Amanda 40:46
Oh, no, no, it was like five, five.

Scott Benner 40:48
So when does it start? Like, what's the thing that gets you moving? Is it your health first? What is it so I,

Amanda 40:56
I was like, 17, I had gotten my GED dropped out of school, I was still kind of just like, you know, doing whatever, wasn't taking, like the best care of myself. But I moved out of my mom's house and moved in with my best friend. And I think like reality just kind of hit me. It was like, Oh, if I don't take care of myself, like, I can't work, I can't pay bills. It was within like, the first few months of moving in with my best friend is when I met my husband. And I remember I had like, not taking my insulin, and I was going into DKA. And he came over to like, hang out and I was on the couch just dying. And he was like, are you okay? Like you do not look good. And he was just like, you know, so concerned. And I mean, I hate to say like, he gave me something to live for. That's so cheesy. But he definitely, like, made me realize like, oh, like there could be more to live for, like, it doesn't have to always be like this, you know, I can straighten up and like have a life.

Scott Benner 42:07
So a person that was concerned for you? And was there was enough for you to feel like oh, I should probably help myself.

Amanda 42:20
Yeah, I think like it was a mixture of that. And like just realizing, Oh, I cannot live on my own. If I don't like take care of myself and get a job and I can't have a job if I'm constantly like throwing up and feeling like crap.

Scott Benner 42:33
How old are you with that? When you meet him? 17 you're living with a friend at that point? Yeah, something over the park 20th floor. I'm just kidding. Amanda. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh, no. View view of the lake. Anything. I'm trying to imagine where 17 year old our friend end up living? Not good.

Amanda 42:59
Oh, it wasn't like any Yeah, no, it was not anything special. It was very shady. And and it did take a few years. Like you know, it's like I started taking care of my blood sugar but I still was partying and you know, doing all the things for a few more years until I like chilled out

Scott Benner 43:15
helped me there Amanda partying and all the things we alcohol other drugs.

Amanda 43:22
Yeah, I mean, like it was mainly weed and alcohol and you know, you take like, a pill here. Take a snort it is here. It wasn't ever

Scott Benner 43:35
get. You're getting demure on me. Coke. Adderall? No, no. Yeah, yeah.

Amanda 43:43
Adderall, Xanax.

Scott Benner 43:47
Okay, so you're doing I mean,

Amanda 43:48
it's, yeah, it's hard for me to like tell because like, sometimes it would just be like, oh, like, take this and it's like, okay. very irresponsible.

Scott Benner 43:57
So you're taking all this stuff? You could take your insulin.

Amanda 44:01
Yeah, it's funny, right?

Scott Benner 44:03
Well, no, but why? Laying on the sofa that day? Feeling that terrible? What stops you from just going maybe I'll just give myself a couple units. Were you doing basil? You must have been doing basil on that covering meals, right?

Amanda 44:17
Yeah, I think I think it just took me a while to get out of like, not taking care of myself, because I had done it for so long. Like I didn't remember how to carb count. Like, I didn't remember how to do like a correction factor. No, none of that. And so I think it just slowly took a while. Because once I kind of like realized, oh, I need to like straighten myself out. My agency was like, probably in the 12 or 13. And it took until I was probably 22 ish to get it down into the sixes sevens. Five. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it was like a very slow like, I remember going to my endocrinologist and it would be You know, 11.5, and then it would be like 10.5. And then it would be 9.7. Like it was just a very slow decline. So

Scott Benner 45:07
when you were younger, did you not know how to take care of yourself? Or were you not? You knew and you weren't doing it, and then you forgot along the way?

Amanda 45:17
Yeah, I definitely knew how to I just wasn't doing it. It was definitely old school. You know, I was on like syringes. And I'd have to eat like 45 grams of carbs for this meal and 60 for this meal. But I definitely knew like how to do it. I just was choosing not to,

Scott Benner 45:36
and I'm talking to you. You're a bright person. So you weren't overmatched by it? You did not understand it, right? No, no, definitely

Amanda 45:42
not.

Scott Benner 45:43
What's your was your mom overmatched? By it?

Amanda 45:47
No, I mean, she was pretty always like, I don't care what you eat as long as you take insulin for it.

Um, but I do wonder if like her experience in healthcare kind of gave her like a jaded look towards it, because she'd seen so many people come in. Like not taking care of it. So I don't know if she kind of expected it or just was like, like I said earlier, like it is what it is or

Scott Benner 46:17
what about in the foster care system? Was your care being monitored by anybody there ever were you ever like suddenly have like a seven a onesie? Because somebody was paying attention? Or did

Amanda 46:31
I don't know if it ever got that low, but it definitely like my control was better. But the foster mom, like she was the one that like, oversaw everything. And you would have to like, come down, and she would have to want to give the injections and she would keep like the insulin locked away. I think at that point, I was on pins. So yeah, she definitely watched everything. I did end up having a seizure at her house from a low blood sugar. But that was the only thing that ever really happened.

Scott Benner 47:06
Was that a loving situation in any way? Or was she just an overseer?

Amanda 47:12
Yeah, she was nice, you know, and she she was pretty understanding. But she had also, you know, already seen a bunch of like, foster kids and stuff like that. So she didn't take any crap, for sure. She kind of knew, like, if you were being fake, or

Scott Benner 47:31
Yeah. So you said earlier that all this came from your diabetes, but I'm gonna wander while we're talking. And I'm gonna wonder after we're done talking, how much of this isn't really the abuse? And then the unluckiness of running into the diabetes? Like if this wouldn't have just been something else? 1011 13 years old, you know what I mean? Like, like, if you didn't just need any tiny little tip to just run in that direction. I'm going to do something unfair. You don't have to answer me if you don't want to your dad, your mom and your abuser. Whose fault is this? What happened to you? And you I'm gonna put you I'm putting you in there too. Right? Who do you see is that fault?

Amanda 48:20
It's kind of I don't want to say like, it's like, completely on anyone. I mean, I guess if, if I had to choose one, it would be like the abuser. But cascades though, right? Yeah. But I mean, like, my I mean, second runner up is my dad.

Scott Benner 48:36
Well, yeah, we'll see your father doesn't do his job. Right. He doesn't do the thing. He promised He doesn't do the thing he needs to do. Put your mom in a bad position. Your mom is having her own crisis. Her life is falling apart was your mom using too or just your dad? Just my dad, your mom's life's falling apart. She stuck putting you in care. She does. The best she can. I mean, she goes to a church to find somebody to put you in with boom. Now you're being I mean, we're not saying it out loud. But you're being raped for three years by by an adult. You know, then you get out of that situation. And before you can even come up for air. You have diabetes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't think you had much of a chance Amanda. Like you would have to be. I don't even know what's that you're like, I don't know what you needed. Like, you don't I mean, like in that scenario, I'm trying to think of what could have been added to your life to stop any of this. And it's sad but I don't see. I don't see like a simple answer. You know.

Amanda 49:41
Yeah, I was just dealt an unlucky hand.

Scott Benner 49:44
You needed some adult to do the right thing. You that's what you need. You need an adult to look at and go there's a kid, they need stuff. I will be the person to facilitate that stuff for them. Show them comfort and calm you know, care and, and and make the decision For them, the children are not able to make it people just let you down the whole way. And then you get into a system that lets you down. I mean, I mean, with the exception of a foster care mom who did what you explained, you're not, you're never in a good scenario, were you abused inside the system at all?

Amanda 50:17
No, no. Not that it doesn't happen. It does definitely happen. But no,

Scott Benner 50:24
when you start becoming sexually active inside of the system is with is it with other children inside of the system?

Amanda 50:33
Um, it was never like in the system, definitely, like in foster care I was. But otherwise, like, it would just be whenever I would get out on they call them furloughs and it was just like weekends or, you know, four or five days at a time that you could go home.

Scott Benner 50:53
So is like, I don't know is 14 year old Amanda getting a day off and thinking I'm gonna go find some cigarettes is a voc and have sex

Amanda 51:02
is definitely not I think, whenever I ended up losing my virginity. I was like on like one of those furloughs at home. And it was I want to say I was about to turn 14, if I remember correctly, and it was like two weeks away or so. And it was by an 18 year old and he had kind of already groomed me from a younger age. And so I kind of already like I didn't have like an issue with it, but I kind of knew it was going to happen.

Scott Benner 51:39
Okay, you expected it to come. I I'm so sorry. I'm going to ask you something that I feel bad about asking but lost your virginity. Are you saying that as that was the first time you had intercourse or the first time you did it willingly? Like willingly? Okay. That's what I thought I just wanted to be sure. I gotta tell you, Amanda, like 10 years ago, I thought, I'm going to start a podcast about diabetes. And now, I'd like I mean, the situation like, I don't know if I'm doing a good job at this or not. But am I okay, so far? Are you alright? Yeah,

Amanda 52:13
no, you're doing great.

Scott Benner 52:15
I don't know. I'm shopping. I feel like I'm being abused. But I'm just like, I don't know what I everything, I think to say I'm like, I think that's what people would want to know.

Amanda 52:26
And it's been so long for me that it's definitely not well, you're

Scott Benner 52:29
so chill about it. You're freaking me out to be perfectly honest. Like did you go to? Or are you high right now? I used to calm?

Amanda 52:37
No, no, I definitely like had some therapy. Probably not as much as I should have. But I did have some. But I mean, it was so long ago for me. And like I said, I blocked so much of it out that I'm just in this spot. Like I can't. I can't and I don't let it get to me like I just have too much other stuff. Well, I have a full time job. I have a husband, I have a child like it's just it is what it is like it happened and it like really, really really sucks. But like, I mean, it's done.

Scott Benner 53:12
Right? So yeah, well, I'm gonna get I want to move forward with you. For sure in the in the story. But I want to make sure I understand that transition again. So you you meet by the way, is there any chance that your husband is a handsome car thief? Oh, God, no, no, I would have been great. And if people don't watch shamelessly, they'll know what I'm talking about. But anyway, so Oh, God, no, Which part did you say? Oh, God, do you know he's gonna hear this? Was it the car thief part of the handsome part that you're like, oh, no, no, no.

Amanda 53:47
The car fee.

Scott Benner 53:48
That's what I thought. All right, I'm sticking up for him a little bit. So he comes into your life. He gives you some stability, something to shoot for you. Basically after reteach yourself diabetes as an adult, you don't have any children. Money. I'm imagining. So are you still? What are you using to manage at 17 years old, which is now 10 years ago? 2012.

Amanda 54:09
Like, device was yes. I was still doing pins and just finger picking.

Scott Benner 54:16
Okay. And so how do you get better at it? I mean, I'm assuming first step is deciding to get better at it, right?

Amanda 54:23
Yeah, I think I started like taking a sample and to set the time I was taking my Lantis every night. And obviously that helped tremendously. Just having like the basil. And then yeah, I just started like taking, trying to take insulin as I was eating. It wasn't until I was 20 or so that I found out what a Pre-Bolus was. And that's whenever I really got my agency down. It was like low seven sixes when I started doing Pre-Bolus thing,

Scott Benner 54:58
that's seven years ago, you figured that part Oh, yeah, do you have a CGM at this point?

Amanda 55:04
No, I didn't get. I didn't get a pump until I was 22. And then I didn't start wearing a CGM until maybe three years ago.

Scott Benner 55:19
Oh, wow. Okay, so you haven't had? Are you automating now? Or are you still making decisions? Like,

Amanda 55:24
oh, no, I mean, I'm on the T slim with the control IQ. So

Scott Benner 55:29
very cool. And g six. You've come a long way. Does the boyfriend back then learn about diabetes with you? Or do you keep it to yourself?

Amanda 55:44
I pretty much kept it to myself. I mean, he kind of saw in the background what I was doing. And he would ask me sometimes, like, Oh, are you low? Like, do I need to get you something? Or, you know, he'll he'd asked me like, do you need this to eat? Or he kind of saw in the background what was going on? But I never really, like taught him.

Scott Benner 56:07
Okay. He was just kind of picking up by being around you.

Amanda 56:10
Yeah, like if I needed later on, like, when I got like, my pump supplies and stuff, like if I needed to change it, like he would know what to grab to change it.

Scott Benner 56:18
I mean, how do you decide using your husband? Back, but then your boyfriend? How do you decide? This guy isn't using me? Like, how do you make that leap after the 18 year old, groom's a 14 year old you after you're abused as a child, as you've gone through a system where I mean, it has to occur to you while you're a kid, like there are people just watching me for the dollars, right? Like just to get paid? Like, how do you? How do you make that leap to? This is a real person who cares about me and I can believe that

Amanda 56:53
definitely took a couple of years. We were just like, kind of friends for the first year or so that we knew each other? Yeah, I think it was just like the way that he acted towards me, you know, like, you'd just randomly bring me a soda. Or he would, you know, ask if I wanted to go to the movies, or we would just like ride around in his car and just talk. There was never anything like attached

Scott Benner 57:21
to it. You didn't ask for anything? Yeah, you ever felt like the time you spent with them? You had to pay for somehow?

Amanda 57:29
Yeah, it was always just very easygoing and free.

Scott Benner 57:34
Okay. When do you tell him? I mean, I mean, obviously, first of all, you're not at Juilliard sitting around in the hall playing piano, but so I'm assuming he was doing some of the pills and stuff that we're talking about as well. Yeah, yeah. So, but when do you tell him? I've been abused?

Amanda 57:57
For a long time, yeah. Yeah, it was a long, long time. So like, I think we were already married. Okay. All right. Yeah, no, I mean, that was like, that was really hard.

Scott Benner 58:08
Yeah, sure. Did you feel like if I tell him that he'll leave me?

Amanda 58:15
No, I kind of felt like not necessarily leave me. But like, when he looked at me differently.

Scott Benner 58:23
Do you tell? Like, as a matter of course, now, your close friends all know this about you?

Amanda 58:30
No, not really. I told like one part, like my best friend, the one that I lived with. And then actually, like some of my co workers, because I was talking to them about coming onto the podcast, really? And yeah, yeah. So we kind of talked about it a little

Scott Benner 58:50
bit, when? Why not? When? Why did you want to do this?

Amanda 59:00
I mean, I just, I just think it's kind of important for people to understand that, you know, when a young kid or teenager is not taking care of their diabetes, you know, there's, there's something else it's not just, Oh, I'm just not going to do this one day, like, there's something else going on. And definitely, like being in the group homes. I just feel like there should be more awareness towards that and how difficult that can be. And I just never really heard anyone talk about it before.

Scott Benner 59:33
Yeah, I'm, I have to be honest. I don't know how long ago was now it's probably three or four years ago, where someone said to me, can you have someone on the show who drinks a lot and has type one? And I was like, I mean, I guess so. You know, so do you think people are like, Could this guy put some effort into this pocket? There's a lot of effort that goes into it. I just I don't always think I was like, alright, they want to hear from a person who was like a Real, like, not just a casual drinker, right, but somebody who was drinking a lot, and frequently, and you know, I think what people wanted to hear was there must be a way to manage it. And then you get the person on there, like, tell you what they do. But it's like hard and fast rules. You know what I mean? It's, it's more like, this is how I got through it. And then I record the show. And I think, well, this is like, my show has a clean rating, which means I don't curse, right. And if I curse, it gets bleeped out. And as odd as that is, to me, I have a fairly heavy following of people who my wife and I were talking about the other day, I'm like, you don't even religious, like, really religious minded people listen to the podcast. And she's like, it's a lot, right. And I was like it is. And so I think I need to tell them, I can't believe this is how it occurred to me. But I'm like, I think I need to tell them, there's going to be a lot of talk about stuff they don't usually hear on the podcast. And I ended up calling that episode after dark, just for that reason, not because I think if you're a drinker, it's something that should be hidden. I just thought, well, these are things that don't get talked about a lot. I need to mark this episode, so people can skip it if they want to. It's really how it started. And then somebody said, Well, can you get somebody that smokes a lot of weed? And then it just kept building from there. And the first time that somebody emailed me to say, like, I have bipolar disorder, and I want to talk about it, or, I mean, you're not even the first person that was raped by your babysitter, Amanda? Yeah, I'm stunned by that. You don't need me like, I didn't think I was gonna have conversations like this. And every time I get done recording, I think how grateful I am that somebody like you, has the balls and somehow the mental fortitude to tell a story like this, and the desire to share it with somebody else. I feel like glad somebody else is going to hear this. But what allows you to do it is last on me. The I, if I had your story, and I heard someone say, I'm looking for more people to tell stories like this, I think, well, I have that story. But I'm not doing that. And I I don't know, I just it's a very kind thing you're doing today.

Amanda 1:02:18
Thank you. I'd actually like wanted to reach out for a long time about it. And then that night, I saw your post on the Facebook group. And I was like, Oh, well, here's my chance.

Scott Benner 1:02:30
How does that feel? By the way? When the when the the sign goes up that basically says, Do you have a really tough life? Could you come on a podcast? Like and you go up life? Yes, that's me. I'm here. Like, is that a? Is that a? Is that a bad feeling? Or is it? Did you feel like, well, I can help somebody?

Amanda 1:02:50
Yeah, I think it's more of it. I can help somebody. And I'm just at like, such a good part in my life right now that all of that stuff. Doesn't matter anymore. Like, like you said, like you would never know, like, I was telling the people at work about this. And they're like, Are you lying right now? Like, there's no way that this happened to you? And I was like, no, like, really? This all happened? I'm just really good at not showing it.

Scott Benner 1:03:14
Like, do you feel steady as we're doing this? Or are you gonna go like smoke your baby when this is over? Something like that? Like, are you like, are you okay? Like, roll up anything that looks dry? Are you Are you okay? Right.

Amanda 1:03:26
Oh, I'm good. I'm good. That's fascinating,

Scott Benner 1:03:28
Amanda. It really is. It's very cool. But it's fascinating, that you're not wavering. I mean, I've talked to people in all I mean, if there's a spectrum of, of confidence and togetherness, I've spoken to people who I mean, you you've heard a lot of that after darks. Right? Oh, yeah, there are people while I'm talking to them that you're thinking like this person is not okay. You've ever had that feeling? Like you've right? You don't feel like that at all?

Amanda 1:04:01
No, not not at this point in my life. I don't. I mean, like I said before, like it really just, it happened and I can recognize that it happened, but I've just got so much other stuff in my life now that it just it doesn't matter.

Scott Benner 1:04:16
Are you an anxious person? Do you have depression? Anything that I'm missing? Oh, no, I

Amanda 1:04:21
definitely have a lot of anxiety and having a baby definitely heightened that. I don't. I mean, I don't say I have like depression. I have my days but definitely a lot of anxiety.

Scott Benner 1:04:35
Listen, everyone has. I gotta be honest, the I was sitting in the urgent care yesterday, Amanda, and I was like, This is ridiculous. I felt so spoiled yesterday. Like seriously, like I had access to good health care. And I still was like, this is ruining my day. I actually sat there thinking like what a waste. I don't get that many Sundays off. And I'm sitting here at this freakin urgent care. I already know what's wrong with me. I like it when the doctor came and I was like, just give me a steroid packet of antibiotics. I know we trust me, you know, then an x ray and a blood test and 73 things later, she comes back and she goes, you know, we're gonna give you a steroid pack and some antibiotics. And I was like, oh, fascinating. She was how did you know that? I was like, I don't know. I've got a cough that won't go away. I've been alive for 50 years. Like, I clearly have something viral, you know? Or, excuse me, like, there's germs out there. You gotta kill my germs, like get them in there. But anyway, like, my point is that I guess that it just, it felt like a burden. Like, I mean, I wasn't like, don't get me wrong. I wasn't huddled in the corner. But I still was pissed. Like, somebody had taken these couple of hours for me. And I was pissed about it. And you, you lost gaps of your life? Like, I mean, honestly, the last, how long did you say your blood sugar has been down? You gotta pump it.

Amanda 1:06:03
Yeah, I mean, it's been like 10 or seven to eight ish years that I've had it. Going down, you could make

Scott Benner 1:06:12
an argument that the last seven or eight years are really the only years of your life that have been yours the way you want them so far.

Amanda 1:06:22
You don't I mean, that's very true.

Scott Benner 1:06:23
Yeah. Does everything feel new to you? Like, like, the possibilities feel endless. You don't feel trapped or worried about? I mean, you're okay, right. Yeah, no,

Amanda 1:06:37
I definitely. I mean, it took a long time to, like, get to where I'm at, but no, I feel good. And some things you know, I hear people talk about like, their childhood or like being in high school and I'm, I just can't relate to that. So that's a little difficult sometimes. But other than that, it's, it's good.

Scott Benner 1:06:58
Listen, you're not. If you were telling me right now like Scott, listen, I want someone I get stressed out. I go out back and I kill squirrels. I'd be like, Yeah, I got it. You're like, but you're just like, that's good. had a baby. Everything's fine. Talk. How did the hug? I gotta ask you, though. You tell the husband about your life. He, what's his reaction?

Amanda 1:07:19
Well, he also has had a pretty rough life up until we met. And so he was just kind of like, oh, let's add more crazy to the crazy. Cuz Yeah, he had a pretty rough childhood also

Scott Benner 1:07:33
got so. So you didn't say anything to him that he was like, Oh, gosh. Oh, goodness. Me.

Amanda 1:07:40
Yeah, he was just like, Okay, well, here's my stuff. And we're like, all right.

Scott Benner 1:07:45
I grew up here. So I know what happens. Yeah. Yeah. Really something? Do you? Do you still live where you grew up?

Amanda 1:07:55
I live near it. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:07:57
Do you ever think about 45 minutes away? Do you ever feel like you want to leave?

Amanda 1:08:03
There's times that I would like to move away not for like those reasons, just for other other things.

Scott Benner 1:08:14
What am I not asking you that? I should be asking you?

I really don't know. I'm off center today. Meaning like these conversations are. I'm always pretty sure I'm doing a bad job while I'm having them. So. Oh, no, I'm just worried that I that I didn't say so. Have I been insensitive at any point so far?

Amanda 1:08:40
No, not at all.

Scott Benner 1:08:43
Oh, good. Excellent. It's a weird thing to pick through. It really is. Yeah. You heard the one where the girl came on, and talked about how her mother was complicit in her father's abuse of her. Have you heard that

Amanda 1:09:04
one? Yes. That was a really rough one. I

Scott Benner 1:09:06
was gonna say, were you able to listen to that?

Amanda 1:09:10
It was yeah, I listened to it. It was pretty rough to listen to you though. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:09:14
That's terrible. Actually. It still comes up. I want to tell you that I really enjoy making the podcast but I make it a lot. And so it blurs together to me most of the time. But, but her episode just like sticks in my head. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, listen, you're amazing. I hope somebody tells you that every day where you have a T shirt that says it or it's written on the wall somewhere or do you I would write it right on the refrigerator tomorrow.

Amanda 1:09:45
No, it's okay. I know that.

Scott Benner 1:09:47
I'm okay. Amazing. Right on the frigid air. I've circled it. People tried to rub it off. I'd like that stays there. I need that. Somebody better be telling me every day. What are your goals? You said you baby daughter. That's right. Okay. So everything. I mean, everything I experienced growing up informs how I raised my kids. Right and nothing nearly as bad as what happened to you happened to me. I mean, I my ass kicked a little bit by my dad. But, you know, like, it was actually a moment when you when you were talking about how your mom couldn't get it together and I thought oh, I would have like found my head in a law, I would have been like, oh Bolus, sorry, but not Not that I'm saying that was a good thing. But but but my, my upbringing, we were broke, people weren't particularly kind or around a lot. And I saw how that hurt my mom. And that made me want to be around and want to be kind. And some people have the exact opposite reaction. Some people are around horror, and they just, they give out more horror. And so you're around it. You're you've I mean, you've made it an incredible journey to get out of it. And now this is this opportunity is before you, right? There's a guy that loves you, you love him, you made a baby, there's a lot of love here. Everybody's dealing very well with what happened in the past your health really moving forward? What are your goals? Like for the next 10 years? What are you trying to do?

Amanda 1:11:26
Just be better than what was done with me. I just really want like my kids to know that. I'm always here. And I'm never gonna turn them away for anything and just be like a happier home. And I always wanted to have like the home that, you know, my kids bring their friends too, because it's so nice to be here. And definitely, like love my career and want to be able to stay in that and advance in that as I want to. And yeah, just just be better, I guess.

Scott Benner 1:12:05
You don't I mean, in my mind, my wife talks about that all the time. Even now that our kids are older. I want the house to be somewhere where the kids want to bring their friends. And then when their friends get here, they're comfortable and Arden's in her first. Well, gosh, she's got four more days of her first semester of college. And they're already talking about the girls are already talking about coming home, like her friends. You know, when are we going to get together? What are we going to do, we're all going to go out to dinner, then we'll come to your house, even right before they left for school, all of them they kept coming here. And that's just that's a it's a great goal. And it's very doable. So I'm sure you'll be able to do that. It's exciting, isn't it that you can that you'll be able to break such a terrible circle and just one generation.

Amanda 1:13:00
Yeah, that's that's all I want is to just show better and do better.

Scott Benner 1:13:09
Why is that? What you want? Why aren't you? Why aren't you? Hi, we're running away. We're abusing people. Like why aren't you doing those things?

Amanda 1:13:22
Um, well, I mean, as much as like the group homes like didn't benefit me that much like it did make me see like how bad it can get with people. You know, and I don't I don't want to put that onto like my child in any way. But yeah, just part of me almost wants to like make up for lost time. Like I never you know, had that great family atmosphere. You know, I never like I said, I didn't really go to high school artists. I want to see like my kids do that and and see like, what life can actually be like,

Scott Benner 1:14:03
Have you ever felt regret for not pulling it together and being with your mom?

Amanda 1:14:09
I used to a lot. That used to be a big thing for me. But not whenever I had my daughter we kind of got closer. We're not like still the closest but we are closer.

Scott Benner 1:14:30
Okay, do you think when you say you're not the closest? Is that because you grew up? Not around her? Is it because you blame her? Do you think it's because she loves herself?

Amanda 1:14:45
No, I don't blame her at all. I think it was just us not being around each other. Like it was very awkward whenever we were and that was one of the reasons that I moved out whenever I was 17 was it was just really awkward and we didn't know like how to interact And just, you know, obviously I was a teenager just wasn't getting along with my mom, either

Scott Benner 1:15:07
your dad ever come back?

Amanda 1:15:11
I, you know, I talked to him every once in a while and I see him like once a year for Christmas, but not Not really.

Scott Benner 1:15:19
Is it? Is that that situation where he's an older man now and you and he regrets his life or?

Amanda 1:15:27
Yeah, I mean, I don't really talk to him about it, but I can imagine that he, you know, didn't really take care of themselves, like between the drugs and drinking like, he has arthritis really bad. And he ended up losing all of his teeth and he never like saved up any money. So now he's I think he's like in his 60s and, you know, doesn't have anything to show for his life.

Scott Benner 1:15:56
Yeah, that's depressing as hell okay. I'm a Europe party. Teeth by the way on dead. What's that math teeth? Did we lose the bad hygiene?

Amanda 1:16:11
I mean, I'm close with my answer that I am. That's like, one thing I'm gonna say is I'm really close to them. And a lot of them have had their teeth taken out too. I think like there's like just really bad gum disease on that side. And then I'm sure if you throw in like, hygiene and using drugs isn't

Scott Benner 1:16:30
able to visit doctors or having the hey listen, brush and floss. Amanda, you understand what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, yeah, seriously, really get in there with those rubber pics. And like you don't I mean, like really, really good at these the pics isn't

Amanda 1:16:45
clean. No, I actually use like a water flosser for the most part.

Scott Benner 1:16:48
Oh, fancy. You look at that. Show off.

Amanda 1:16:54
It was recommended.

Scott Benner 1:16:56
I want one. I'm too cheap to buy it. There. That's the modesty. I've always thought this would be way better. So much money. And I don't know what's wrong. All right. I made it. This has been a lot. Are you okay?

Amanda 1:17:12
I'm great. Yeah. Are you? Okay?

Scott Benner 1:17:15
I don't know. I got the bronchitis. But I feel weird. You know? I mean, I'm not gonna I'm not a person is ever going to complain around you, Amanda. would imagine when people complain around you, you're like, Oh, shut up. Seriously, how do you think all this perspective? Is is something you draw on day to day?

Amanda 1:17:43
Oh, um, yeah. I because I work in healthcare. And so I see a bunch of things that definitely like, like I've had experience in. So for sure. Okay.

Scott Benner 1:17:57
I mean, you're 27 You've got a story of like a, you know, like, you're 50 or 60. That you've been, you've been through more than anyone's fair share a couple of times over already. Yeah, yeah. You're really something. I'm, I'm really pleased that you did this. And I don't know how to thank you, obviously. But this was wonderful. Did we do anything or say anything that you're now like, oh, I shouldn't have said that. Or do you feel okay.

Amanda 1:18:25
No, I feel fine. Yeah, I think, like, I knew what was what I was coming on for. And I'd already kind of prepared myself so

Scott Benner 1:18:34
well, this is great. Let's put this out of Christmas.

Amanda 1:18:39
Man, do you hear?

Scott Benner 1:18:40
Oh my god. Yeah, like, don't you think I should? I should throw this one right out a couple of days before the holidays. So people can feel freaking grateful Amanda be like, Oh, I was gonna complain. But then I realized that none of the stuff that happened to Amanda has ever happened to me. So I'm just gonna shut my mouth and move forward and smile.

Amanda 1:19:00
You have something real to complain about?

Scott Benner 1:19:02
No kidding. I'm gonna let you go. Because I don't know what else to say. I just want to make sure that you've said everything you wanted to say.

Amanda 1:19:11
Yeah, no, definitely. I just wanted to come on. And, you know, I see like a lot of parents kind of say sometimes like, oh my kids rebelling and this and that. And it's not always like a black and white situation. And there's other things that can be going on and it's important to figure that out.

Scott Benner 1:19:30
Oh, Amanda, you've definitely helped and freaked out a lot of parents today no, no doubt. No doubt they're peep there are people listening right now like Oh, great. Okay, okay, let's go okay. This was gonna

Amanda 1:19:46
be like that extreme. No, no,

Scott Benner 1:19:49
your story is obviously I mean, honestly, it I joked about at the beginning but your your life was at one point so ridiculous. Still, it feels like somebody made it up. You know? Because yeah, it really does. It really feels like did you ever have that moment that people talk about? We're like, Am I remembering this right?

Amanda 1:20:12
All the time? All the time. Okay. I still like there's some times where I think about it. And I'm like, did that actually happen to me? And I don't think it was until I was older. And I was out of that situation. But I realized how traumatic everything that happened to me was,

Scott Benner 1:20:29
oh, I mean, no kidding. Like, I can't remember anything from the time I was six till I was nine. Like, if I'm sitting here right now thinking. I don't I don't have any recollection of anything. Like you don't mean like, you can remember moments or flashes, but like, you know, I'm sure I had a great day when I was eight. I don't know what I'm sure I had a terrible day when I was nine. I don't know it. So that that even seems like torture. That I don't mean that idea of like, this really happened to me it did it just listen to me. If I could grant a reset to somebody, or a do over, I would give it to you. I think you deserve it.

Amanda 1:21:12
Oh, thank you so much.

Scott Benner 1:21:14
I appreciate you doing this very much. Would you hold on one second for me? Definitely.

First, I'd like to thank Amanda for being on the show and sharing so openly and honestly. Of course, I want to thank us Med and remind you to go to us med.com forward slash juice box or call 888-721-1514 To get your free benefits check and get started today. You're looking for that Dexcom g7 You know where to look at us met. Thanks also to touched by type one.org. head over and check them out. And don't forget to follow them on Facebook and Instagram touched by type one. Thank you so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast.