#305 After Dark: Trauma and Addiction

Donny’s journey

ADULT TOPIC WARNING. Frank discussions (with some harsh bleeped language) about drug use, child molestation and other potentially upsetting topics.

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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Episode 305 of the Juicebox Podcast. Today's episode is part of the after dark series that began back on episode 274. When Maya came to tell us all about drinking and diabetes, do you remember that one? Very good. And then again in Episode 283, Alex came on to talk about smoking weed with type one. And today, Donnie is going to tell us about some traumas in his life and his battle with addiction. So, if your kids are in the car, not not this time, okay. And any kids who listen on their own, please stop the program. Go tell your parents, Scott said this one's probably not for me. But I asked him if they'll listen to it first. Maybe they'll tell you it's okay. I don't know. I'm not in charge. Your mom and dad are. Today the podcast is sponsored by touched by type one you can go to touched by type one.org. To find out more. The podcast is also sponsored by the insulin pump that my daughter has been using since she was four years old. The Omni pod on the pod, of course, is the world's only tubeless insulin pump, you're gonna love it. Actually, you can get a free no obligation trial, little demo pod sent right to your house by going to my on the pod.com. forward slash Juicebox. Podcast is also sponsored by Dexcom, makers of the G six continuous glucose monitor. The G six is the foundation of how we make all of our insulin decisions with my daughter. And then of course, we put them into practice. With the Omni pod, check out dexcom@dexcom.com Ford slash juice box. There are links to all of the sponsors in the show notes of your podcast app. And of course at Juicebox podcast.com. Thank you for supporting the sponsors. This is a long episode. So we're just gonna jump in. Before we do that, I have to tell you that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise. And always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan for becoming bold with insulin. This is Donnie.

I'm not going to I thought about this a lot. I'm not gonna hide what happened. I'm not going to ask you to come on and pretend we never spoke before that just that'll be still.

Donny 2:37
I'm more worried about like gamma was so good. Last time. I hope we can repeat it.

Scott Benner 2:41
So I I really did have that thought. And I'm recording now like, I just thought it was so perfect. Like when you and I got finished. I thought I looked at my schedule. And I was like I'm gonna move that and that and that I'm putting Danny's out right away. Oh, it's just like, it's so perfect. And so plush are so excited. I was like, This is great. I felt like I learned something I felt like, you know, like, and not only that, as crazy as it is. While you and I were recording, we both found out together that Kobe Bryant died in a helicopter crash. Yeah. And it kind of fit into the conversation. And there's no way to repeat. I mean, you know, we're not repeating that again, hopefully. Oh, my God. Can you imagine someone else dies while we're recording? Well, I'll let

Donny 3:32
you know what though. Like, I just listened to one of your podcast and I I'm sorry, I don't remember the name. But it was the woman who? Her children died in a car accident. Yeah, that one's tough. Hmm. And like, I don't know, dude, like, you know, to do this one. And I was kind of the same way with sports, I could do it the first time. Second time is always difficult. Third time, I'm good. I got it. And I was like, you know, a little nervous to do it again. And like, I'm just kind of a nervous person. And then I was like, listening to that podcast. And I was like, Oh, I'm supposed to do this the second time.

Scott Benner 4:09
Now, I appreciate that. And I and I'll tell you to, I think yours is going to have a very similar impact as hers has I sent and an email yesterday with no fewer than 30 notes for her that came in. And they all had a very similar theme, which was I didn't I'm always thinking about how difficult this is for me, and how much I don't want to be doing it. And what she said just made me realize I need to be grateful that I'm here and I'm doing this

Donny 4:41
and the fact that she did it for our community when she you know, doesn't need to she wanted to and I think that says a lot for human nature mankind. When you find the right people, you know, life can be okay.

Scott Benner 4:57
Yeah. No, I agree with you. I'm glad you listen to that one. Now when I, I, I get notes from people that are kind of private to like, Oh, that must have been difficult. And I'm like, well, it's not as difficult as it being her story, you know. But I recorded it with her, then I ended it. And then I put the ads into it at the front, the back the bumpers, so then there's more time, I'm listening to it. And then the last thing I do is I listen through it for audio. And so I had heard it four times by the time you heard it, and it's it doesn't get easier as you're listening. Like I cry at the same places. Every time I'm listening to it, and so hopefully, that that's meaningful, and it's helping more people that I'm hearing back from even I imagine. I'm sure, so I'm glad. Okay, so I just have to find a way. Do you have any ability? Actually, I know what to do. Hold on one second. I'm gonna kind of artificially volume you up on this side, I think.

Unknown Speaker 5:59
Yeah, I'm not sure why I'm so far away. I apologize. I'm using the same headphones from last time.

Scott Benner 6:03
No, it's my it's, I have a little setting here. I'm just gonna move it up for right for myself. Yeah, there we go. You're perfect. Okay. So it's 100% possible that some of that's gonna stay in. But still, we're gonna introduce you and get started. Introduce yourself first, and then I'll explain to everybody why it is You and I are speaking twice. And they're only here you want?

Maia 6:27
Sure. Well, my name is Donnie. I am an addict and recovery, and I have type one diabetes.

Scott Benner 6:33
Okay, and so any of you that have listened to the show, know that I had a piece of software auto update, and it changed the setting. And that I lost three conversations that I had because of that setting. And very, very regrettably, damis was one of them. He and I did 90 minutes together that I thought were riveting and enlightening. And I felt like we listened. I felt like I was listening to Donnie have like personal, you know, epiphanies going and and he explains things about his life in a way that. And Donnie, I truly mean this, that you explain things to me in a way that took me to a place that I had not personally experienced. And it made it crystal clear to me your perspective. And why what you were saying is something that I as a person who doesn't have the experience should just accept, like generally mean like not Yeah, I didn't think oh, he's probably saying this because of that, or but I just thought this is I understand what you're saying.

Maia 7:38
So I appreciate that. I don't

Scott Benner 7:40
think you're gonna lose that skill in our second recording. And for all of you who are wondering, I'm seeing Danny's voice and I've listened back to it. And it's all being recorded. So let's go.

Maia 7:53
Glad you're doing your job. Scott.

Scott Benner 7:57
In fairness, Donnie, you, you did all the stuff we talked about, right? And and you came through, you showed up and you're like, Listen, I got the life experiences. I've got the stories. I'm putting them out. All you got to do is record them.

Maia 8:10
I mean, if you were to tell them that what a hit record on my end, I didn't realize No,

Scott Benner 8:15
no, I had to do all this stuff. Hold on one second. I have to ask me to help Arden with her blood sugar for one second.

Did you test Arden's on the first day of a dexcom sensor? Okay, and in I am a I'm a fervent believer in testing on the first day until it settles in. I don't know if that makes sense to people who use Dexcom. Maybe

Maia 8:48
I did when I first got it. But it's my never off

Scott Benner 8:54
in that nice house. It's so interesting, because I hear back from people were like, oh, mine on the first day or this happens. And I'm always like, well, this is my experience. It always works terrific. I'm a little bit more careful on the first day. And just by careful I mean I test more frequently are as garden too. And then after that, I'm with you. I just roll with it. I think you can tell as a Dexcom user, like, you know, when it's working, you know, they mean like yeah, and yeah, and it hits a long sweet spot during the sensor. But I do hear other people who say differently. And I never, you know, I have no perspective. So I'm like, No, that's not what happens to us. I don't know how to talk to you about it.

Maia 9:32
It's so crazy how the same disease affects Everyone's so differently, like, so differently. It's crazy.

Scott Benner 9:38
It's it really does sometimes come down to it's like body chemistry. It's you know, it's something as simple as hydration or, you know, like one of our friends says it when she gets her period. It gets a little wonky for a while, you know, all kinds of weird stuff. So okay, so I want her to

Maia 9:57
calibrate

Donny 10:02
I don't think I've calibrated my G six one. And that's something. Yeah. I mean, I sometimes like if I have my two hours center warm up Is that like a funky little period? Like, if I want to go to the gym and workout, I'll test but normally I'll time that two hour window when I'm not doing anything or like, after a meal or you know, things like that.

Scott Benner 10:22
It's interesting. It really is. And like I said, a couple of hours from now. I won't think about this again. I was just yeah, I'll see it settled in. I'll be like, this is perfect, but she had a big breakfast. So I wanted to be doubly sure before we we address some, you know, put in solid.

Maia 10:37
Yeah. You know, what, the last time we spoke and you were talking about like, she just got done eating pancakes. I was so jealous.

I was like, I want pancakes to

Scott Benner 10:46
Donny, my, um, my speaking stuff is picking up now. I'm going going this weekend, two weekends after four weekends after that. So I haven't eaten more than like, I don't think 30 carbs in a day for like a week. Trying to get to that spot where I think to myself, Oh, I wouldn't mind looking at me for an hour.

Maia 11:07
Right? Summer is coming.

Scott Benner 11:10
Okay. Now the beautiful thing about me in this scenario is I have no memory of what we did. So I only have the feelings from it. Because I think that's just sort of how my brain works. So I could I might repeat something word for word. I may not.

Maia 11:25
I. Okay. I toyed

Scott Benner 11:26
with the idea of going back and listening to my side of the recording to hear what I said and wrote down my questions. And I thought that's just gonna sound rehearsed. And I don't want to do that, you know. So we'll dig back. And I apologize. And for everyone listening know this, Donnie goes deep. He remembers hard things in his life. And he talks about them honestly, and how I'm making them. I'm making him do it twice inside of a month. So it's okay. Just going above and beyond for us. Yeah.

Maia 11:55
I just spoke on Friday at a treatment center. So if you're good, I'm fresh,

Scott Benner 12:02
out of tears. Okay, I just started the beginning. Really? How old were you when you were diagnosed with type one.

Donny 12:11
I was 11 or 12 years old. I remember having a newspaper route and having a low and I knew something was way off. I'm like, I could just feel that I'm in trouble. went to the doctor. They couldn't they didn't really know anything wrong. And it was actually discovered by my eye doctor. My right eye was actually protruding much farther than my left. And at that time, they said that was a sign of diabetes. And they got me to an optometry up ophthalmologists.

Scott Benner 12:46
Well, that's a weird path, isn't it?

Maia 12:48
Yeah, totally. There's nothing. There's nothing normal about my life.

Scott Benner 12:53
To be honest with you, when we were done talking last time, I thought Donnie has a lot of stories. I don't have any of those stories that

Maia 13:00
I'm telling you. I feel like I can make a lifetime TV movie.

Scott Benner 13:04
Listen, we're about to do that. I think so. Um, so diagnosed at 11. And what was the what was like living with diabetes? like for you? 11 How old are you now?

Maia 13:15
I am 40 Okay, so

Scott Benner 13:16
that's not long ago. 29 years? Actually. Last time listening. Okay. Um, yeah, so 29 years ago, I'm guessing. Oh, tell me what the treatment was like back then for you like what your day to day is like,

Donny 13:31
ah, a lot of guessing a lot of panic. The influence I was using back then was the two hour quick acting, you know, you had to take your shot two hours before meal, pricking my finger. Back then I was calorie counting and basically following a little plate chart and like eat your fruit, eat your vegetables got a very I want to say not very scientific, but it was not very helpful by any means. I actually found a blood sugar log for when I was in the 11th grade. And like, holy, I didn't feel good. Like my sugars were all over the place. So I felt like there at that time in my life. And for probably most of my life up until the last two years, I didn't have very good knowledge or control of my diabetes.

Scott Benner 14:26
So that and we'll get to it, but you've you've lived the first 27 years with type one. Not like you've lived the last two Really?

Maia 14:35
No, no, not even close. All right.

Scott Benner 14:37
So this is where I think we have to just jump in here and to set the stage and say, you know, I'd like I'd like your remembrance of how how we met and I'll give you mine after

Donny 14:51
shores. So, um, well, like I had mentioned earlier I am in recovery and I had met you three months. And you know, life was going pretty good except for my diabetes. I reached out onto a Facebook group. And I pretty much was ready to relapse I had, I think my blood sugar was 400 I basically it was a cry for help that I posted. And I was like, I just don't want to do I feel like, you know, this isn't a lose lose situation. For me, I had no idea how much my diabetes was affecting my poor coping skills, which was drugs. So someone had responded with your name, and you had reached out and we had talked a little bit online. And then we actually ended up exchanging telephone numbers. And we had talked in person. And at that moment, when we had talked, I mean, it was pretty bad. It was not a good night, let's just put it that way. You know, at that point in my life, I knew drugs were not an option anymore. And I was worried that I was going to go farther than that. So again, and I know I tell you this all the time, Scott, I really appreciate you being in my life, you really helped turn me around and get me to the correct resources that I need to be able to handle this

Scott Benner 16:18
is my pleasure, that's plural. Yes. And by the way, there's a small percentage of the people listening who believe that I wiped out your recording, I made you do it again. So you'd have to say thank you twice. So um, so I just very interestingly, since we recorded the first time till now put out an episode that I recorded back around the time you and I spoke. And it was interesting, because I said to that person, I just had a conversation with someone privately. And I have to be honest with you. I wasn't sure if I should have the conversation when it while I was having it. And and so you know, Donnie describes, he's three months into recovery, things aren't going well, when he says he's thinking he might do something worse than drugs next time. I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you're thinking, what were what's next.

Maia 17:10
I thought I was going to commit suicide, okay.

Scott Benner 17:13
And so try to imagine that you meet a person on Facebook who's like, hey, I need help with my diabetes, and people say you can help. And then the person that gets on the phone with you is in recovery does not want to go back to drugs and doesn't think there's another way out of it. And now suddenly, you're having a conversation with that person. So from my perspective, the first 20 minutes or so, I just kind of let Donnie talk. Like I really like he was I described it, as I felt like I could feel you vibrating through the phone didn't mean like you were Yeah, phonetic. And, and we finally like I finally kind of let you talk yourself out a little bit. And I just said, look, I think we could get your blood sugar under control. And maybe that would help. And here's how. And then I don't know how much time we spend on the phone me talking about, you know, tug of wars and all that. All that stuff that I talked about about insulin. And I really believe it was the next morning that you sent me a note saying, like, look at my graph. And you had slept through the night maybe like that was the big deal, if I'm remembering right?

Maia 18:18
Is the first time I made it through the night without my sugar spiking or having to wake up at 3am and checking it. Yeah.

And just time in a very, very, very long time.

Scott Benner 18:27
If you can remember back what is like, Can you remember how that felt because you were elated when we spoke,

Donny 18:33
um, it felt like I actually had a chance of living. So I guess we can kind of just at that moment, go into it, because, you know, listening to it now I'm just like, God, I'm so pathetic. But you know what I was, I was in a really, really bad place in my life, which started this journey. So you know, Scott, if it's okay with you, I'm just gonna go to it. So you know, and I know and I always start this conversation with that keep that secret keeping sick, and I choose not to be sick anymore. I was molested from the seventh to 10th. And it was pretty traumatic. And I held on to that for most of my life. And then here I am at 11 years old and find out I have type one diabetes. So I'm already going into life not feeling equal to anyone else. And what I mean by that is like, if I was a football player, I felt like I was always standing around with the basketball players, you know what I'm saying? So let's add another traumatic experience on top of it. So I basically learned to handle myself through drugs. And what I mean by handle myself was I was able to get out of myself with drugs. And you know, God willing, in two weeks I will be 18 months clean. And that's a huge accomplishment for me because I have used since I was basically 15 years old. That's amazing.

Scott Benner 19:59
I when you You say that the first thing that pops into my mind is, imagine being molested. Not that you could even imagine it if you didn't, but something as traumatic as that happening to you from the age of seven till 10. And then it stops, mercifully. And then you get type one diabetes. Like, that's just, that's crazy. It's like, it's a lot. It's like being in a car accident, pulling yourself out of the wreckage and feeling like, I can't believe it. I'm not dead, and then another car coming by and hit me again. Exactly. But you know, just really crazy. Yeah. And so you use how, what? Where does? How does drug use start for a person that age? Like, where does it begin?

Donny 20:41
Um, I would say that it started recreationally with you know, some alcohol but I would never really wasn't drinker, thank God, my mother instilled that into my head that you never really drink alcohol and diabetes. So it started with, you know, marijuana, and then the disease progresses and things get harder and harder. So, I guess the direction I would want to say is, you know, when I was in college, I tore my Achilles tendon. And I just ended up having an endless supply of Percocet. So one of the things that came with the Percocet is people who wanted Percocet. So if you can kind of be in my shoes at the moment of never really feeling like I fit in never really feeling like I'm equal. I've now found a group of people that wanted me around, they want me around for me, they want to be around for my drugs. So that filled another void, you know what I'm saying? So like, it made me feel like a real person. And that also just created my addiction to go deeper and deeper. So the loneliness that I felt from being the lesson was very much intertwined with drug use. And that is something that I work on to this day.

Scott Benner 21:53
When you're finished listening to Donnie and I today, I hope you take a second to go to dexcom.com Ford slash juice box, and learn more about the Dexcom g six continuous glucose monitor. In a nutshell, a continuous glucose monitor is a device you wear that gives you the speed and direction and number that your blood sugar is constantly. So you can see your blood sugar in real time, how it's moving, and how fast it's moving. This is going to help you make way better decisions with your insulin. And the importance of that cannot be overstated. Once you can see how food and insulin impacts your blood sugar, you can begin to make decisions that are in your best interest in real time. Stopping those spikes catching lows before they happen. On top of all that, if you're the loved one or caregiver of someone who has type one diabetes, you have the ability to follow them, see their data when they're not with you. This could mean anything from a friend living across the country, to a child asleep down the hall. Anywhere that there's a internet connection, their phone takes their information, sends it up to the cloud comes back down to yours. You're going to get customized alerts and alarms for highs and lows that are going to tell you hey, now's the time to act. Let's do something here before something happens. It takes more to stop. These little adjustments are a huge deal. Trust me. If you don't know what I'm talking about, listen to the rest of the podcast episodes. And you'll figure it out. But for now dexcom.com forward slash juicebox it is imperative.

Donny 23:41
So basically, the last five years of my life has been the roughest. I had lost my mom to brain cancer. And I had found crystal meth. And someone had said to me, you know, uh, Hey, I know you're having a really hard time. You know, you should try the struggle to really get your mind off it and this and well, I got my mind off it. It took my mind away. Basically, it makes you crazy. I mean, it's so strong that I knew I was in trouble right away. But I also knew that I couldn't really handle my life at that moment. I was losing my mom, I lost my career. I really didn't have much at that moment. So does that

Scott Benner 24:27
circle just feed itself like so you described being around people and that feeling good? So you have a you have drugs in your life which bring other people in who want drugs, and now you have a circle of friends whether they really are or not, it's how it feels? Yeah. And so do you think the person who offers you the crystal the first time is trying to feed their circle by pulling you into their situation like is it is that the vibe like I need more people around me. I'll use the drugs to get more people around me or Does that make sense? Or am I make no,

Donny 25:02
it does make sense. But I think from my end, I was filling a circle. And I think from his end, he was filling a circle with his circles, not friendships, his circles trying to get someone else hooked and make money off of. So at that moment in my life, the circle that I had filled, who I thought were my friends, we're not friends. And I ended up going through a horrible identity theft, losing everything, because of these people. So here are the people that are controlling me for my mother's death, trying to be there for me realize they're emptying every everything I have in my pockets at the same time. So it was a very, very hard situation to go through.

Maia 25:44
And that is when I entered rehab the first time.

Scott Benner 25:47
Yeah, I wanna I want to say, because you're probably like, either cognitively or not cognitively. Avoiding saying some of the things you said the first time, but just so you realize when Danny's stuff was stolen from him, including his identity so badly that the government had to reissue him a new social security number. Yeah, this happened when he asked these people to dog sit for him. Am I right? While you were going were to my mom's funeral. Yeah. So that's stuck with me. From the last time like so you, there's no, you just have to try to imagine a person who would steal from you while you're at your mother's funeral. And that's and what the situation what their situation is to like, you know, we're talking about yours. But I think that there's a lot of I mean, I'm going to use Anne's word from a couple episodes ago, but I think there's a lot of grace you have to have for those people as well. Right? Like, everyone.

Maia 26:41
Ah, yes. But it took me a long time to get there.

Scott Benner 26:43
I would imagine Oh, in the moment, I wouldn't have it. I'm talking about listening to you now like that.

Donny 26:49
Well, like and I think the hard part was, you know, I didn't really find out that they were that this was happening until I after until I got out of treatment the first time. So it was kind of like a late onset effect with the fall. So, you know, here I am going into treatment for the first time. I wouldn't say I didn't think I had a drug problem. I definitely needed a break in life. So I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. I went on the recommendation of my family. And what I mean by that was I was I don't want to say force, but I was basically thrown into a rehab that I had no choice over. So like, when I say I didn't really know what I was getting myself into checking to rehab with 90 day supply of Xanax. I had no idea. So when I showed up, and they're like going through my bags, and I do my piss test, and they're like, you just custard ease. I was like, What do you mean up to sturdy? I haven't done that. And they're like, you just piss dirty for Xanax. And I was like, Well, of course I did. I'm nervous as hell. Here's my, here's my script. Here's my bottle. Yeah, I was like, like, What are you talking about? I was like, these are mine. It's okay. They have my name. I had no idea. So I actually got sent home. I wasn't allowed to check in. And I had to detox at home by myself for two weeks. And I had to buy a piss test on Amazon to prove to my dad that I was clean. So we can drive back down there because that was probably the hardest thing to to see my dad's face when I picked dirty and I couldn't get in. And I didn't do it on purpose. I was just trying to get through the day. You know what I mean?

Scott Benner 28:31
It's almost like the you know, at that certain time in the 90s. If you were a baseball player, you're like, I don't do steroids. I'm just using this. This powder that my trainer gave me.

Maia 28:40
Yeah, I'm not trying to get high. I'm just trying to keep my nerves calm. So I can be here to

Scott Benner 28:43
talk about that for a couple minutes. You described yourself early on as a nervous person is that lifelong? Is that after the molestation is that? Where does that?

Donny 28:52
You know, I think that was after the molestation. Because when I remember, like I was five or six. That was a really happy person I didn't really have. I was a very carefree I didn't really worry about things like that. So that definitely came from being molested. And that has carried me through most of my life. The last two years, things have been getting a lot better. But I Scott I didn't finish college the first time because I was too scared to go to finals. I was too scared to do reports in front of the class like I honestly, I think I dropped speech class five times, because I just couldn't do it. You think and now all I do is speak he can't give it a Shut up.

Scott Benner 29:30
Do you think that's in? Maybe a multiplication of your flight or fright response like flight 100. So, in your mind, someone's always about to do something bad to you.

Maia 29:45
Yeah, that's pretty much how I lived my life. What does this person want for me and hopefully they won't hurt me as bad as I've already been hurt.

Scott Benner 29:52
Wow. Well, Donnie, hold on a second. That's just gonna pull myself together here. That's hard to think about. I want to just take a half a second here. Not something you could have stopped. It's not like your parents were not paying attention to you. This is a predatory situation. Correct? Yeah. Okay.

Maia 30:14
You said

Scott Benner 30:16
before that you can spot people like that now?

Maia 30:20
Yes. So I think,

Donny 30:23
I don't know. It's just a gut instinct, I have taught children most of my life. And unfortunately, when there are children around, there are usually predators around and I can spot them I can spot I have a really good intuition, I can tell when people have malicious intent. And when I have been around other coaches that have the wrong intent, I can usually tell

Scott Benner 30:45
and it's little stuff, right? Like, it's a teacher who calls you cutie, or it's something like Why?

Maia 30:52
Why are you giving a kid a juice box, and she doesn't have diabetes?

Scott Benner 30:56
You know, I'm saying things like that. Just trying to keep them kind of connected to you a little close by like building these weird relationships. Maybe they'll never, maybe they will. Or maybe they won't ever do anything. But they're trying to put themselves in a space around this child that they're,

Maia 31:10
they're a good person.

Scott Benner 31:12
Yeah. And so that maybe that kid becomes comfortable. And then there's a moment when they can,

Maia 31:17
and they let their guard down. You

Scott Benner 31:18
know, it's funny, I used to my, when I was younger, and think of this last time we spoke, but when I tried to make a point about people, when I was younger, I used to say go to the mall. Statistically, there's a child molester. They're like, like, right? Like, they're, they're just statistically there's this many people who blah, blah, blah, there's this like, it's just when whenever you get a group of people together, it's big enough, you've you're gonna get a sample size of a lot of things. And and some of those things are our behaviors that most of us can't believe even exist. Right? Like, it's Yeah, that's why it's so frightening, utterly shocking, because you're just like, why no one would do that. I would never do that. No one would do that. But

Maia 31:58
it's not true. So there's a lot of people out there that will Yeah.

Scott Benner 32:03
So do you, we You said you ended up working with kids for a while. Was that? How long did you do that for?

Donny 32:13
I have been a gymnastics coach for most of my life. I started gymnastics around the age of 1213, right around the time of diabetes. And I think that was like my escape. I really, really, it was really my first addiction. I completely could get out of myself. When I was in gymnastics, I could completely just get lost in that world. And I never really left it. So yeah, I've been I've been coaching for since I was probably 1617 years old. And I still do it to this day, part time.

Scott Benner 32:51
And you're really sick. You're very like you successful right? Like this was a good time of your life. This.

Donny 32:56
Yeah. I don't like to toot my own horn. But yes, I I did very, very well. I've had probably over 80 kids get full rides to college. I have put kids on the national team for USA Gymnastics, and I've won every level in USA Gymnastics. You high that whole time. No, no, you know, and that was the weird thing, because that's what's the part that I thought I never really had a problem because I was such a codependent, I would get lost in my sport, it was my drug. You know what I'm saying? I would completely be involved 24 seven, doing lesson plans, coaching extra hours working seven days a week that I would completely get lost in it. I remember the first time in college, maybe a little bit older than college age. But I was working for a gym, that ended up giving us a break for Thanksgiving, like a five, six day break, which is unheard of in gymnastics, especially when you're good at gymnastics, you just don't take breaks. And I remember not being able to handle myself and like that's when the drugs were very, very bad. And I was shocked. I hate the word shocked. But like I was like, some of the behaviors that I was doing. I ended up in a different state. High, you know what I mean? Like just really optimal behaviors because they, I had a hard time sitting with myself.

Scott Benner 34:18
Yeah, I you know, it's funny, I was talking to someone the other day, it feels disconnected from this, but I don't think it is. And they were telling me how their relationship is good when they and their partner have someone else to be angry at at the same time. So when there's a third party messing with them, they can kind of come together as a as a team and be angry at this third party person. But if there's no one to be angry with, if there's no drama moving around in their life, they turn it on each other. And, and I wonder like, how much of that is just that they have something else to focus on at the time? Yeah, I mean, because gymnastics. I mean, that's obviously you're, you're in your own head. But you're so I'm imagining focused on something that you can't think of anything except what you're doing.

Donny 35:09
Yes. Right. And then when I don't have to worry when I don't have to sit there and think and feel about myself, yeah, I was okay. Well, that's a lot of years of stuffing things down a lot of years. So and it like, I kind of look at it, like if I lived in two different worlds. And it took me a very long time and a lot of therapy to combine these two worlds together. Because like, when I was in my one world, in my career, I was completely fine. And what I wasn't, is when life was a disaster. I really didn't have my family because they didn't know me. I didn't know me, I didn't want them to know the me that I knew. You know, so I was very good at hiding. It was very good at living that double life. And I'm pretty good manipulator, I can hide things from people and I can make things look good on the outside. So they're not,

Scott Benner 35:55
I wonder what it's like. And if you can explain, when the focus, the ability to focus on something goes away when you are with yourself? Is it? Are they actual conscious thoughts that creep in? Is it? Are they feelings? Like what? What drives you to? To use them like? Yeah, like, I don't understand that part, I guess.

Donny 36:17
So I think it would be the uncomfortability and the unmanageability. And then if you want to add the mental illness on top of it, it's the insanity. So it's the all spinning of the negative thoughts that won't stop. It's the obsessiveness is the compulsiveness that you have nothing to do you know, I can't I'm not working right now. So what am I going to do? You know, it's almost, I don't want to say keeping yourself busy, but it's keeping yourself out of yourself. It's almost

Scott Benner 36:41
like white noise. Say the monitor, like white noise like you create white noise. So you can't

Maia 36:46
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Hundred percent. When you

Scott Benner 36:49
say that, like, your thoughts? Like, are they? Are they words that you hear in your head? Like, I don't mean like, you know what I mean? I don't mean like, somebody's talking to you. I mean, like, do you actually feel complete thoughts? Like, I used to be molested? I did this like, does that stuff? Or is it just is it hard to put into words that feeling? And so no,

Donny 37:10
I would think it so it is words, and I'm hearing my own voice, but sometimes they are. The voice is a manifestation from a feeling or a problem. I can give you an example. And this is kind of like in a random example, but I Okay, so I'm going to go out. We're going to go out with friends and I'm nervous. Do I wear a blue shirt? Do I wear a red shirt to this shirt fit? Oh my God, this looks stupid on me. I can't look in the mirror because I don't like looking at myself or the shirt work. So I asked a friend is this red shirt looks nice. Yes. That's what extra gas? Yes. Okay, so obviously, I like red. Okay, everyone told me that I look good in this red shirts and red left to be my favorite color. I get to the bar. Someone says, Oh, God, I really don't like that color. And then your brain just spin, spin out of control. It's really, really odd to say, but it's it's kind of like that. It's like you would heat you would question yourself so many times that once someone said something, and it would amplify in your head?

Scott Benner 38:12
Is that confidence? Is that a lack of confidence?

Maia 38:15
I think that is a lack of acceptance.

Scott Benner 38:21
Also,

Donny 38:23
I think when someone hurts you, and the way I was hurt, it takes away the ability to accept who you are, and allow yourself to be equal to others. So it takes away your ability to have your own thoughts, your own pride. And I guess you could say confidence, but almost like it takes away your leg to stand on.

Scott Benner 38:47
So when that secondary person comes in, in that bar situation and says I don't like you in that color. You You are without a next step. be correct, right. Okay, because you don't know what you like, you don't know what you think you look good in, and you're completely being, I guess, to some degree that your thoughts are manipulated by other people's opinions. So and those are ever changing, and there's no way for you to even prepare for that. It's really interesting and scary. Well, geez, oh my gosh. All right, Donnie. Let's dig a little farther showery.

Maia 39:23
Sure.

Scott Benner 39:26
You know what, I don't have a cute way to get to this. How long have you known you were gay. If you're using an insulin pump now with tubing and you'd like to be tubeless if you're using pens and you've always wanted to use a pump, you can check out the Omni pod tubeless insulin pump without any obligation or cost. All you have to do is go to my Omni pod.com Ford slash juice box there's even a link to click on you don't even have to remember that. When you get there you'll fill out the tiniest bit of information and on the pod is going to send you an absolutely free, no obligation demo of their pod in the mail right to you, wherever you are, I guess wherever you say you are. once it arrives, you can actually try it on and wear it. Find a site that you think's right for you shower with it go about your business. And you'll notice I think in no time at all, that you forget the pods there. And that's when you're going to realize I could have my insulin with me like this boluses and Basal changes at a push of a button. Completely untethered, nothing touching it that button I'm talking about you pushing to one another small device that you keep in your pocket or your purse does not have to be on you hanging all over the place. You only need it when you need it. Imagine just taking something out of your pocket in a restaurant. It looks like a phone. Nobody knows what it is. Push, push, push. Back in your pocket. Here comes your pencil. It's pretty damn terrific. Arden's been using the Omni pod since she was four years old, and she's worn one every day since then she's over 15. Now, I think it is an absolute treasure. I think you would like it as well. I know it might seem scary to try something new or to make a switch, but you can do it. And on the pod will make it easier for you. My Omni pod.com forward slash juice box with the links in your show notes. We're at Juicebox podcast.com. How long have you known you were gay?

Donny 41:28
I would say since I was like five years old. I remember. You know you get to Sunday newspapers and like he gets like the the Kmart ads or like the cold ads and you're flipping through them and you would see the underwear ads. And I do I was very much attracted to men. I wouldn't say I knew that I was gay. But I knew I was different. Okay.

Scott Benner 41:47
Yeah, I guess there's no context for sexuality when you're five?

Maia 41:50
No, because I don't think I don't think you could label it at that age. But you knew you knew and I knew that was different. And I also think that's what what these people preyed on.

Scott Benner 42:01
Okay, so you think that there's some sort of a, I don't want to call this

Maia 42:07
a level of uncomfortability? within yourself? Okay, so and they prayed on it. Ah, okay.

Scott Benner 42:12
So again, so you have this? Oh, it's interesting. Isn't it like so? Being understanding that you're gay before you understand? sexuality? Just makes you feel? unsettled? different, different? Yeah. And then that's a feeling you give off and other people can pick up on that?

Donny 42:31
Sure. Think about the shy people in class, why are they picked on because they don't have the confidence, they feel different than someone else's people choose. Instead of accepting it, they try to manipulate it terrorized it. And that's what bullying is all about is not allowing people to be who they are and accepting that, like when when, you know, think about it, like you got someone who, you know, kind of doesn't hold their head up. Not real confident with themselves, you can tell that they're not talking, you know, they don't have very many friends. And then he goes and take shots before he, you know, there's a lot of things right there that people just want to pounce on.

Scott Benner 43:09
Right. So you're in a, you're in a deep enough hole that you don't appear to be the kind of person who would stick up for themselves. If I tried to pressure you into something. Or if I picked on you, I don't think you'd swing back at me or something like that. Correct. Did you know that about yourself? Did that feel weak?

Maia 43:27
You know what I think I've always known that. I'm not a violent person. I'm the one fight that I have been in was so bad that the personal I almost I don't want to go there. But I know that my anger will lead to some heavy violence. So I have to walk away.

Scott Benner 43:44
Yeah, Tony, I don't have context for your height. But you're a big strong person.

Maia 43:49
Yeah, I'm a big boy. I'm 511 to 25.

Scott Benner 43:52
You I, you are one of those people who I look at and I think if Donnie decided he wanted to break me in half. He absolutely could.

Maia 44:00
But I am very gentle. Jerry.

Scott Benner 44:04
All right. You can't use this podcast as a dating tool, Donnie slow down. No, no, I 100% know that about you from speaking to you. And from you know, in the times we have that I don't think you'd heard a fly. But you're saying that there could there. There was one time and you are aware that it could have been again that if you head down that road, there might be no stopping you're going down that road?

Maia 44:28
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. Now,

Scott Benner 44:37
Jesus, I don't know where to go man. Your life is that you know what, excuse me. Your life prior to your recovery is just an like, anything that I can imagine working out. Like it just seems like there's too many cards stacked up against you. But somehow that is not how it ended up for you. It's no everything, didn't you?

Donny 45:06
You know, I think looking back at it all, there was definitely something that was always protected me, and I don't know what your religious beliefs are. And I'm not one to impose mine on anyone, but there's definitely something out there. Other than me, I'm not in charge, there's the universe or God or whatever you want to call them a law on Tuesdays, whatever, it doesn't matter. But there was something that was always protecting me. So here I am, I've always known I was a good person. And I've always known that I had a lot going against me a lot. And here I am a hurt kid who's always protected kids, and did it well. And like when I say I did it, well, Scott, like, I'm not bragging about my accomplishments in my career. Like, I still get Father's Day calls from kids that I coach 25 years ago, you know, I got invited to a graduation ceremony at the University of Oklahoma, because one of my athletes was speaking and she thanked me in her commencement speech, you know, little things like that is what

Maia 46:04
I, those are my gold medals, you know what I'm saying?

Donny 46:08
So, I've always known that I was a good person, but man, I just couldn't get unstuck in life, you know. And it was the drugs, it was holding me back. It was, it was not allowing me to deal with things. It wasn't allowing me to cope with things. It wasn't allowing me to accept things. You know, and I think the big turning point for me was when I went into rehab the first time and it was long term treatment, I was supposed to, supposed to say, three months, but I stayed two months in 28 days. And while I was there, which was the first time that I've ever gone, a substantial amount of time without using any substances, is when I really uncovered I don't want to say uncovered because I've always known but really remembered that I was molested. And I remember the acts, and I remembered who they were. And I would remember their grooming techniques and the presence they would give my family and, you know, the threats they would give me if I spoke up. And I went back to using because I was like, how in the world? Am I supposed to handle this? You know, at that point in time, I think everything got worse for the right reasons. You know, this is when I found out that my identity was stolen. So here I am. jobless, homeless, living with my family. I wasn't really homeless, but I was not living on my own. And I've been living on my own for a very long time. I had no money. And I know I didn't tell you this first time. But this is also when I was losing my eyesight. I had cataracts in my eyes. my driver's license was taken away. I had lost my driver's license when I went to the DMV and to take the vision test, and I couldn't see the the little pictures. So yeah, no, no, like, I couldn't do anything. Like I was seriously like, my, my universe was saying you're gonna learn to sit and get better. And I had relapsed. And when I say relapsed, I mean, you know, I would say, we were, I guess he can't even say it was really relapsed, I just, I used again, but this time when I used to turn my phone off, and I kind of disappeared. And I didn't have my influence with me, and I didn't care. So that's why I call it a relapse, because this is like, I've now gotten deeper into that negative space. You know what I'm saying? So, from that act, I had found a trauma therapist in my town. I knew how bad it was. And I was like, This is not good. You know, I was like, Oh, well, you know, us. And other than I was like, Oh, no, you have no idea where I went my head. So I knew I needed a therapist, because we had been doing therapy in rehab, and it was working.

Scott Benner 49:02
And it helped me should say, your question before we get to the therapy. Yeah. And just very quickly, it might be my imagination. Is it possible you're moving a piece of paper or doing something with your hands? Yes. Can you Sorry, I'm nervous. No, no, don't Yep. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sit on your hands for me. Okay. No, no, don't be sorry. So my question here is, what does it What does your What does your management for your diabetes look like throughout this entirety of time? So, you know, are you concerned about it? Or are you just giving yourself enough insulin to stay alive? Like, what was it cognitive? Did you just give yourself insulin when you thought about it, like, how did you manage? And I mean, like, through the decades, like, what was your process?

Maia 49:49
So?

Donny 49:52
Well, I wouldn't say it was good, but I wouldn't say I wouldn't neglect it. I would definitely like to know at that time, I was taking lanta so I had the 20 Are insulin and I was taking whatever log at the time human log novolog. I can't really remember what I was taking. But I had my short acting my long I would always take them. But I didn't really care. Because once I hate fat like this, but like I would prick my finger, the number would be guy rocket, I would take the amount of influence I think I should take, and then I would get high. And then if I wasn't getting high, I would go to work. So again, I would deal with it for that 30 seconds, I would allow myself to be me. And I would go and escape. He does your work or do it through other unhealthy coping.

Scott Benner 50:40
I think you just said something that I've seen a number of times with people who are in that scenario and just really aren't worried about their, their blood sugar, their health, their diabetes, health. The idea of I'm using my slow acting insulin, so at least I have that I've heard so many people say that.

Donny 50:59
And like not to interrupt you. But like at this point, like here, I've already been molested. My life's in shambles. I'm hiding in a career that I did love, but I was basically killing myself with.

Maia 51:15
I just figured at that point. And I hate

Donny 51:18
my truth. I wasn't going to live past the age of 40. Because I figured once I lost my legs, I was going to kill myself. And I didn't think that was going to be long, very far away. I honestly thought I'd be done by 40. So the

Scott Benner 51:33
idea was, I'll manage this well enough to keep me going at some point that diabetes will catch up to me something horrific is gonna happen to me. And that's when I'll end my life.

Maia 51:41
Sure why not everything else is happening to me.

Scott Benner 51:44
Well, there's at no point during decades of your life, Did anything happen that would make you feel like hey, maybe this will get better or Mito, maybe there's a way to make it better there was there's just nothing existed for you like that. And that's, it's so interesting. Like to sort of start for a second and recap. You have something terrible happened to you as a child that puts you in a psychological tailspin that you can't break free of, you know, the explanations of how it happened are horrific. But the fact is that it happened and now you're having that those feelings, then you get diabetes. Now these things are compounded upon themselves. And then tell us again, what age did you start using? a 14 or 15? So you made it from two years? Yeah, you made it a year from molestation to diabetes, then you made it two years from diabetes and your memories to using I guess that's about when you probably just couldn't handle it anymore. The the ideas of what happened yourself? And was anyone managing with you when you were 1112 1314? redoing it on your own? What was that, like?

Donny 52:50
Um, I was mostly doing it on my own, my mom tried to help. I remember going to the diabetes educator, and sitting there for like, seven hours because like, I wouldn't take a shot. And every time they was able to take the shot, I'd break it. So I probably broke like over 400 syringes that day, and I just remember seeing my mom crying and was like, please do this. So I did it. I've always been a mama's boy. But no one has ever given me a shot. I've always done it myself. Um, so and, and nothing was ever really managed, like I started with like a regular, like general practitioner doctor who didn't really know what they were doing. You know, back then the technology really wasn't there. But I don't think I've ever had an agency that was in the eighth. Like, not until the last two years of my life. I was always in the ninth or 10th.

Maia 53:44
Yeah, yeah,

Scott Benner 53:46
I am. I don't have a follow up question for this. But at what point do your parents become knowledgeable about the molestation? How old are you? And they know.

Maia 53:58
That's hard, because they always knew.

That's the part where it gets tricky, because when I was in rehab, and my therapist had called them down to talk about what I discovered. And when we had talked about it, the look on their face. And their response about them knowing is what pushed me back out. So

you know, it's hard.

My family loves me the way they know how. And I have accepted the fact that what I need from people in my life, I have to go out and find the right people to do that with.

And I say that as a disclaimer from my own head.

Donny 54:48
But I guess, you know, it is what it is. We're very Catholic family Catholic guilt sweeping under the rug, don't talk about it, you know, and it's always been that way and it still is to this day.

Scott Benner 55:00
That's more to deal with than anybody. I mean, taking out what happened, just the idea that something was happening to you, that your parents could have rescued you from and didn't, I don't, that's a lot to deal with. That's just that's a massive amount of, of knowledge for for a person that has, I think

Maia 55:19
the hard part was, I didn't really remember it until I was 36 years old.

Scott Benner 55:23
Yeah, that's something. All right. So you were.

Maia 55:28
So let's get to the good stuff.

Scott Benner 55:31
For everybody listening comes up with their suicide plan.

Maia 55:35
So, you know, I had found this amazing trauma therapist. So we worked for about three years. And this was about the time that I got on the Dexcom and the Omni pod,

which have been life changing for me.

Donny 55:54
So we would have therapy, that I that I, I would relapse every once in a while. And, you know, she had came to me one day, and she said that, you know, hey, I think we're gonna have to stop. And I was like, What? I was like, No, I'm paying you a lot of money. Like, this is the only thing I look forward to on a daily basis, or weekly basis. Fly, I was going like everyday I see was like, Well, every time we dig, you relapse, and she's like, and I know they're getting worse. And that was true, it was getting very bad. And she said, I need you to go 30 days without using. And I said, I'll give you 15. And it was probably about day six, I woke up in the middle of the night, early morning, in a complete panic. I emailed her and said, I need an emergency appointment. Because you know, I'm so important. Like, I need to be the first first first quarter of the day. And I got down there. And I told her that I had been lying this whole time. When she said about what I said I never really was molested by the neighbors. I molested them. And she said, explain. And I said, Well, I really enjoyed it. I was seeking sex with them. And she said, You have coached children your whole entire life. How many kids do you know from the ages of seven to 10 are sexually active. And I said none. And she said this is your brain trying to protect you. And when she had said that, is when everything came back, I can hear your voice. I can remember the accent. Remember the time of day, I can remember my responses. I remember the fear of responding. I could remember looking out the window and seeing my family from their house while this was happening. And I was free of addiction. I had put it together that I was hurting myself because someone else had hurt me. And that basically has been what has been the the fuel to my addiction, you know, you're not going to hurt me, I'm going to hurt me. I'm going to hurt me, I'm going to hurt with my diabetes, I'm going to hurt it with drug use, I'm going to hurt it with putting bad people in my life. Like no one else was going to hurt me more than I've already been first. And the only power I had your right. And at that moment, I was completely free of addiction. I was like I would never have to pick up a drug ever again. And I felt that I need that I could like it almost felt like the weight of armor had been lifted, that I've been carrying for 37 years of my life. And unfortunately, at that time in my life. When this was happening, I had no coping skills. I had nothing. I had lost everything. I lost my mother, I couldn't go and cry on her shoulder. I lost my career, I had nothing to hide in. I didn't want to use drugs. And I didn't really have the support system that I needed. So I wanted to kill myself. And that at that time was what I realized I was like whoever is running this world, this ship, you know God, Allah, Buddha, the universe is evil. Because How could you do this to me? How could you finally make me remember? or allow me to remember? And now I'm hurting even more. So I checked myself into the hospital and told them what was going on. And they asked me, Well, what can we do to help you? And I said, Well, I'm trying to get into a rehab in Arizona, I was just running alone isn't really gonna go. I was just probably gonna get a plane ticket and just stay out there ended.

Maia 59:34
But they have gotten me into treatment and

it worked

Scott Benner 59:38
with the therapist. She saves you really because because by sending you a way to clean up, right for long enough that your brain came up with another way out of dealing with your thoughts like taking responsibility for being less that was your brains way of like, I don't want to think about these things. Why don't they make them not even a bad thing anymore. And then maybe I can exist through that way then she calls you on it. That's like your whole life right there. Like that's where you're that's that should be your birthday whenever that was. Yeah, like that's beautiful. So oh my gosh, you must send her a lovely holiday card.

Maia 1:00:15
Oh, I still see her. Here. I'm still, y'all. Yeah. She's, I wouldn't be here without her. No kidding.

Scott Benner 1:00:21
No, that's it's a beautiful that really is. It's somebody who knew what they were doing and did it well, and and it pays you back. Like, that's, that's terrific. So. So then you go into How long ago? Was that that moment?

Maia 1:00:36
Ah, it'll be one two years, August 28. So I'm almost at 18 months. Okay.

Scott Benner 1:00:45
So when you when you're the process of getting clean, I can't imagine must be pretty terrible on your body and your mind, right? Like

Unknown Speaker 1:00:54
not using Oh, it wasn't easy.

Maia 1:00:59
Yeah, no, it was tough.

Donny 1:01:03
So it took a while for my body, obviously, to get regulated again. But I think my mind is what's more important, because that's what control of everything. And there was a couple key things that really, that helped me get to the point where I'm at today. First and foremost, I had to forgive the first thing at first person, I had to forgive myself, I had to forgive myself for doing the drugs. And then I had to forgive the act of what those people had done to me. And then I had to accept the fact that this was real.

Maia 1:01:35
And then I had to be okay with it.

Donny 1:01:38
When I think about that, I try to think of those words on a daily basis. Because they're, it's my world, you know, it's, it's my truth. You know, when I forget that I did drugs for over 30 years, that's when life's gonna get bad for me, you know what I'm saying? When I put my recovery first and allow myself to live my world, through my recovery, everything's okay. Because if I forget that I have the tendency to hurt myself. But here's the thing with addiction, addiction, math, self destruction and self care. And vice versa. You know, I wasn't doing the drugs to get high, I was doing the drugs to survive, I was doing the drugs so I can get out of the houses during the drug. So I could do a podcast so I can get to class. So I could go out and pretend to being social and be okay with the red shirt when I'm really not okay with the red shirt. So I don't really like these people, and they don't like me, and I'm forcing myself to be with people that I think I want to be around. So they don't know me, you know what I'm saying? So that felt like self care when it was really self destruction. So I can't let that be anywhere on the back burner. I have to remember that my way is not the best way. You know,

Scott Benner 1:02:54
have you been able to successfully keep your type one management now that it's incredibly better? Have you been able to keep that from becoming an addiction? Because that would be bad for you? If that happened? Is that right? It would seem like a good thing. But it would be terrible.

Donny 1:03:08
Yeah. Um, so you know, and I think when we met, what the problem was, was, here I am with the problem that's always been there without a solution. You know, my solution was to ignore and get high. Why choose not to do that. So here I am facing a 400 blood sugar. What I haven't eaten all day, you know, and why and I can't fix it. And that's when I reached out and I found you. And then that led me to Genet integrated diabetes, who taught me how to live. Here's the thing. I've had diabetes for 29 years, I don't know how to live with it. No one ever really explained it to me. Like the part that really shocked me was, you know, at that I'm still on the Omni pod. But like when I said to Jenny, I was like, man, I just I hit like a 400. Every time I switch my pump, and she was like, yeah, you know, anyone struggles with a pump switch, you got to you got to do the tricks. And I'm like, there's tricks. And I remember specifically calling my endocrinologist at that time, a year, maybe two years before that thing. You know what, I can't get this to work. Like it takes a day for it to calm back down. And his response was, well, how long is it taking you to switch a pump? And I could, I could change a pump like a NASCAR. You know what I'm saying? Like, I could do it. I could do it driving if I had to. And like, here I am. Asking for help, which I think I'm asking for help. Because here's here's the other key piece is when you're molested, you can't say no, you don't know how to say no, you don't know how to ask questions correctly. At the time of my molestation, my communication process was interrupted. I actually did a year's worth of learning how to communicate with a therapist with other people because I wouldn't get my words out. I'm the guy that's like lit on fire. And I would say I think I need a glass of water thing. Saying I need help is a very difficult thing for me. So you know, it was wonderful having Jenny by my side, teaching me How to limit diabetes because I was dying with it.

Scott Benner 1:05:03
You know, it's interesting. On my side, there's this unspoken thing because Jenny obviously is a is a healthcare professional. And I'm aware that you see her. And she's aware that you came to her through me, but we can't talk about you. But we're both really happy for you. But we can't, but we can't conversate about it. It's very interesting. Yeah. So she's terrific. Obviously. He's amazing. I'm thrilled that you found her too. I really am. You know, what? Do you think you could tell me a little bit about recovery now, like, so I guess, you were when you when you and I spoke, you were in that kind of spinning out of control phase, where you thought things were gonna go very poorly. And now your diabetes? Would you call it? Like, what? How do you I guess, what are your goals for for diabetes day to day? What do you try to accomplish every day?

Donny 1:06:01
I try to accomplish knowing why my blood sugar is the way it is. I think that's what has always been the issue with me like not understanding the timing of food, how to count carbs correctly, not knowing that if you eat too much protein, it's going to have a counteraction. And you're going to have to extend your insulin for that, like, I couldn't stand that not knowing why I have 300. You know what I mean? So I try to always know, I'm checking right now someone else's. You know, I like to know, why is why am I 106? Well, I, you know, it's 333. But I'm at the end of the meal. So I'm just running straight on bazel right now, you know, not knowing is the hardest part, I think what recovery has taught me is not to stay stuck on the whys, and how to really focus on the how well how am I going to get the information to know why I'm 106. You know, so I had to seek help. I think recovery has helped me accept the fact that with my diabetes, it's not going to be through failing every day, there are going to be days that are going to be difficult when I'm sick, or when I'm stressed or, you know, candy, like kicks out, when you start 40 units in and you can't switch one and you know, you're gonna have to dump some extra insulin on there, you're gonna have to take a shot. I think I always wanted, you know, story of my life, I wanted my problems to go away, I wanted them to not exist. recovery has helped me accept my diabetes for what it is. And it's allowed me to find the solution.

Scott Benner 1:07:35
You know, it's funny, you just said something that made me realize that that I mean, I don't know that it's going to be much of a shock to anybody. This podcast is not very well thought out. I don't sit down with like, pages of notes. When Jenny and I talk about management stuff, I heard somebody the other day, say that the pro tip series in the podcast should be everyone should have to listen to that. And if I told you, Jenny, and I would sit down, and I'd be like, hey, let's talk about Pre-Bolus thing today. And that was the extent of our preparation. So I'm not, I'm not a prepper. Okay. And at the same time, I remember saying one time, when your blood sugar gets high, you can't spend a bunch of time worrying about why, because there are too many variables, you're never going to figure it out. Like to just deal with it, get your blood sugar down and start over. Like, I think that a lot of diabetes management. Maybe I haven't ever said this, but I think a lot about diabetes management is just starting clean, just that sometimes things get completely up, and you just have to start over again. And I yeah, you know, and and then when it goes wrong, if you spend all that time running around, just like I don't know what happened, like I'm high, I don't know why I don't know what I did, I ate here and you don't realize you're going through all these things that happened to you. You've never been instructed well on how to do any of these things. But yet, you're looking at the time you ate and the insulin you used as if they correlate to success or failure when they don't, because they're all wrong. It's just it's you're not no one taught you how to do it correctly. And now here you are taking these things that somebody you know, quote unquote, taught you, they lead you to these bad outcomes. And you keep going back to the broken tools that you think well, why didn't this work? It didn't work because you're not doing any of it. Right? Moreover, you don't know what right is. And and so you make yourself crazy. Like, it really is terrible the amount of people I see who just, you know, they're twisted in a knot, trying to figure this thing out and they don't have they don't have any of the puzzle pieces. They've none of them. All they have is the problem. It's um, it's really it's a it's an invaluable piece of advice. You said it about a completely different thing. But you just can't spend a ton of time worrying about why sometimes just kind of,

Donny 1:09:51
but how but like, how do you not when your end results. You know, what's the biggest fears that you're going to lose your eyesight or you're going to lose your legs? So you sit there and you panic. And like, it's just crazy to be the amount of bedside manner that really needs to be addressed with endocrinology. You know, at the time when I met Jenny, I guess I'd say about a year, I'm not really good with the time, you know, I got so much knowledge from four months like my agency went from, I think, when I met, when I met you, I was in the nine when I got to Jenny, I want to say was eight, five, and that was basically through starvation. I'm sitting at a seven, one or seven for right now. And like four months of knowledge, Now, don't get me wrong. It took me a while to be able to implement that four months of knowledge. You know what I'm saying? Like, it wasn't a quick fix. But like, I was like, I go to the endocrinologist, every three months, I used to hate going to the endocrinologist, it was the worst doctor's visit, ever, because you just feel like you're being punished. Like you're being told you're doing it wrong and doing it wrong. We never getting those how to do it, right. And, yes, I think if I could piece everything together, and like, look at it from the gratitude side, like if I didn't have that moment, and never reached out to you, I never would have found Jenny, which gets me to be able to sit here and talk about a very uncomfortable thing that's being recorded, and my blood sugar staying stable.

Scott Benner 1:11:20
Yeah, that's like, that's pretty. That's amazing. So wonderful testament to where you are. It just Yeah, it really is. I you know, it's funny, you said it took a while to implement it. And I'm looking at my daughter's friend, her 24 hour graph right now. So I've been helping her for a couple of weeks. I don't really talk to her much anymore. She's, but she's 15. And if you could see how quickly she put it into practice. It's fascinating. And so the key is, of course, the way n does talk to people, but also, but not making them wait, because your anxiety has built and built and built around this for so long. This girl's only had diabetes a handful of years. And when I got her first graph, she was over 400, twice a day, every day, for a total of eight hours.

Maia 1:12:09
And I am looking at you don't feel real pretty at that.

Scott Benner 1:12:11
No, no, no, but she didn't know it. And I'm looking at her 24 hour graph right now. And with the exception of three lows of like 65, which we could argue as to whether or not how low that is. She's been over 110 twice, and mainly between 80 and 100 for the last 24 hours.

Maia 1:12:31
That's amazing. But it's just how quickly she picked

Scott Benner 1:12:33
it up is it I'm, every time I talked to her I'm fascinated by it. And I I'll say to her, Hey, your blood sugar's 130. Give yourself point, one, five. And I just want you to look back every once in a while over the next two hours just to see how it works. And then she watched and I'm like, Hey, you know, I'll say throw time based on watch what happens do this, and she learns it right away, and then immediately puts it into practice. And she said, it's, it's getting easier every day. Like it's gonna be effortless for her in no time at all. Like we do people a disservice by not explaining it to them early on, they really deserve to know how to use their insulin right away. You know?

Donny 1:13:11
Yeah, good, cuz it's your life. You know, it's, I think the cool part, what I learned with Jenny was, and I and I took I take really good notes. I was really if you I know, you can't talk to me. But like I was really gung ho for this, I actually had to, like, put a good amount of time and effort into collecting the amount of money to pay for her services, because I wasn't working at the time. And my god, it was the best gift I could have ever given myself. You know what I'm saying? Like, I wanted it so bad. And to sit there and I was like, learning all this information. And like my pump settings was way off. Like, I don't even want to come through, like, I'm way off. And like, so she got everything on track. And then there was like, right at the end of the four months, I was down at the beach with my family and like things started shifting. And I use the word shifting because I heard her talk about that. Because it's not a problem. It's a shift, you know, but at this moment, it's a problem. Like, Oh, no, I'm 100 again. And then she's like, I read that and she's like, Listen, you're on vacation, different food, different time that a better dinner, like, Oh, we talked about this. Yeah, you know what I mean? And then it was like, Wait a second, I have these tools. I have the tools to understand that today. I'm going to go to Temp Basal because something's off. I don't need to be stuck on the why, but I have the how. And like that's the cool part is like I I don't want to use the word control. But I know how to control where I want my sugar to go. And maybe not can control where it's going. Because I'm a very nervous person, like I'm very high energy and stress gets me so sometimes I can't even like calm myself down. But I know how to I know how to I know how to find the solution to influence. And that's amazing because like I didn't like it. even know what Temp Basal was into I met Jenny and I've had the pump for probably three years at that point. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:15:05
that's crazy. Well, the pump companies are in a weird disadvantage to they're allowed by the FDA to sell you the pump, they are not allowed by the FDA to tell you how the pump works. They can tell you what it does, but they can't tell you why you might use it

Maia 1:15:18
that way. It's now that I understand how to use the data with a dexcom and an omni pod. Like, I just feel so empowered. Like, life is so good.

Scott Benner 1:15:29
That's wonderful. I love hearing. It's funny. I love hearing, like how you have like, come along so quickly. And that you that you hung in for so long. I don't know if you ever give yourself that kind of credit. Like, you know, you, you said something about, you know, a divinity keeping you here, but there's something incredibly strong about you, you know, they kept you they kept you in the game long enough.

Donny 1:15:53
I'm starting to feel that, you know, it's hard because I've never been a person that brags or boasts you know, if you if you're going to put it on like an ego scale, I was never one. On the end of the bragging, I have it all but I was on that same scale, just the other end, I'm not good enough. I'm not wanted enough. I can't do this, which is all the same. self pity and ego are basically the same thing just on the other end. So I kind of feel like I'm really learning how to sit in the middle and be okay with it. That's very empowering.

Scott Benner 1:16:24
You told me something that I found shocking a little bit before, which is that you didn't you didn't seem to think of yourself as attractive till recently. Is that right?

Maia 1:16:34
Yes. Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't say that I am. But I was in such a bad place in my life. And like, I didn't even look in the mirror for five years.

Scott Benner 1:16:43
I was only I looked at different people in the Kohl's catalog, but you did but you're handsome men. Thank you much coming from me or not? I'm not certain but but but you certainly you certainly are. And so even that, like is fascinating. And and it's a rehashing between you and I but I made a joke the last night it would have been so much smoother if I just recorded it the first time. But I joke The last time we spoke that I saw pictures of you. We went to New York City for the gay pride parade. And I I don't know what I don't remember how I joked or what I said at the time. But then you shared with me that you're Are you

Maia 1:17:21
celibacy, you're

Scott Benner 1:17:23
celibate during your recovery? Because that's how serious you are about your recovery. But that you did get to New York and realize, suddenly, people were looking at you like, Hey, this is a guy I'm interested in. And that even took you by surprise,

Donny 1:17:39
though. Yeah, it was definitely an experience. So, you know, they say, Well, let me back up a step. So the treatment center that I went to the medical doctor, who was also gay, had come to me and said for the amount of drug use, and where I was sitting mentally and life, and I guess I could, wasn't gonna say, I'm gonna say, because it's such a key piece to this topic. You know, I was only having sex when I was high. You take those drugs away. And I'm really uncomfortable. And like knowing my in knowing what had happened? Well, of course, it makes perfect sense. You know? So drugs, and love will say the word love, sex and lust. Well, basically all the same thing I was looking to be loved. I wanted to last, and drugs were heavily involved at all times. So this medical doctor had told me that I should probably be celibate for the first two years while recovering because it would be so easy to slip up, you know, finding someone that may be attracted to me that wanted to get into a relationship. And if we're at that moment, he goes long goes do a little bit of drugs. So it would be very difficult for me to say, No, you couldn't separate those two things. And

Scott Benner 1:18:59
so yeah, for complete clarity as an adult, you've never been intimate and not altered.

Maia 1:19:05
Correct.

Scott Benner 1:19:06
I'm sorry. I really am. Okay. Yeah, that's okay. That's something. Well, I think, listen, I feel like I know, it's weird, and we're older and stuff. But, you know, once you get through your recovery, I'd like a text message that said,

Maia 1:19:24
Listen, I already have my hotel booked for next summer. For pride. I'm very excited.

Scott Benner 1:19:29
So we should just say right now, gay men in the New York area. Be careful. Because daddy's coming, figuratively and literally next summer.

Maia 1:19:41
Oh my god.

Scott Benner 1:19:43
Is that how does that feel? Does it feel like a goal? Like does it feel like Christmas?

Donny 1:19:49
You know, what it feels like is that I finally love myself. This has given me a piece of me that I've always wanted. And I think once I got past that part of somebody thing was taken away from me that I'll never get back. And that I learned that I can work around this and fill it with something I can't take back. I can't get back what was taken away from me. It's never going to happen. Time, the innocent all of that. But I can live a really good life understanding that I could fill it with something that I create. And what I'm in right now is the creative process. You know, I can't even tell you how happy I am that I wake up every day, and I love myself and I want to get up and I want to do I want to you know what, I'm not trying to be a good person, I just want to be a better person than I was yesterday. And that's with me. That's what the people around me, and what I'm trying to do with my life, and that's a really good feeling. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:20:47
I want to finish up with that a little bit, too. So you made a fairly large shift in your professional life. Yes, I'd love to know how you how you came to that decision.

Donny 1:20:59
Um, so I come to so when I went to treatment, I felt so good. So quickly, that I never wanted to leave. You know. So I stayed connected with the treatment center. And I actually worked there now. And I am actually back in school, getting my bachelor's in human services with a concentration on addiction counseling, and most likely will get my master's in social work to become a counselor.

Scott Benner 1:21:29
That is really great. And even in the interim, while you're in school, you're working, they're doing the jobs you you are qualified for. So you're going to be a ground up, you really are going to be you're going to be the guy who one day is the CEO who started in the mailroom like that feeling.

Maia 1:21:45
Yeah, yeah. Hundred percent. I feel like I'm starting in the mailroom of a fortune 500 company and just working my way up.

Scott Benner 1:21:51
That's so cool. It's, it's, um, you feel like you're doing it for Is it a little for you a little for them? Is it? Like, do you mean like, are you? Would you are you? Were you afraid to leave that place? So much so that you're like, I need to stay here, even if it's professionally or was it a real feeling of this place helped me so much I want to give back. It's a real feeling of this place helped me so much that I want to give back. Um,

Donny 1:22:17
you know, to keep what I have, I have to give it away. And selfishly, I want to keep everything I have, if that makes any sense. No, I only I'm finally sitting in a place in my life that I really enjoyed my life. And I'm not faking it on the outside, that I'm never going to give this up. This is my feet, or whatever I need to do. To stay here I'm going to and, you know, I work in Narcotics Anonymous program. And, you know, it is a spiritual program. And there are some mechanics of it that aren't spiritual, you know, you talk to people, you go to meetings, and you give back. And when I give back the amount of love and clarity and happiness that I feel about my purpose in life is so strong that I would just want to continue to give back.

Scott Benner 1:23:07
I have to say, I understand that I am. I did this thing because someone asked me to write the I was asked to would I make a private Facebook group where people who listen to the podcast could talk about diabetes. And I resisted it for a very long time because I did not want to be responsible for that space. Sure. And one day, I just thought, you know what, they're adults, right? That I'm gonna give it to them, and then they can do what they're gonna do with it. If they ruin it, we'll throw it away. And if they don't, we'll have something beautiful. And the other day, I was able to go on and I don't go there that often. Like I I kind of bang through sometimes I'm like, wait a go. That's amazing. Good job. Like that kind of stuff. Because I don't really I don't have the time. Donnie, hold on. I lost you

Maia 1:23:58
know, I'm here.

Scott Benner 1:24:01
Tony, are you there?

Maia 1:24:02
Yeah, I'm here. Hello.

Scott Benner 1:24:12
Hello. I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. The good news is is that our entire recording is safe. I just don't know what happened.

Maia 1:24:19
I was like, if you call back

Scott Benner 1:24:23
about being molested.

See, Donnie, give me one more tour. I

Maia 1:24:36
know, we're gonna need you to do this better.

Scott Benner 1:24:38
No, seriously. First of all, we're wrapping up, but I wanted to I didn't want to just let it die there. But sure. So I was saying that I started this space. And in kind of short order, it has over 2000 people in it. And but but that's not what's amazing about that's a fairly small number for a Facebook group. What's amazing about it is Not one blocked account, not one disagreement that they haven't resolved on their own. Like, it's really like minded, thoughtful people trying to help other people with their diabetes.

Maia 1:25:15
God, think about the person that tagged you to get to me, we didn't even know me, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's awesome. Well,

Scott Benner 1:25:27
my goal like so, listen, I would never say it out loud. You know, you don't say what you mean to do when you start it. But when when I thought, Okay, let me give this a try. Like, I'll put these people together. My goal is, is that is that people don't leave the space. So like, I know, it's, it's fun to listen to the podcasts that go Scott, he's really good with insulin and stuff. But there are a lot of people who are very good with insulin, not a lot of people stay behind to tell someone else about it. Right like that. And so I'm trying to create a group of people who don't leave, who who stay and support people. And that's how your story made me feel about when you said, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to become a, I'm going to become a drug counselor, I'm going to become a therapist, I'm going to get my master's degree, I'm going to help more people like, like, you went through the fight. And now you could just walk away and be like, Alright, well, the rest of you good luck, you know, but but that's not what you're doing. I think that's a really big deal. I'm, it makes me feel proud to know you. You know,

Maia 1:26:26
I appreciate that. That's really, really nice to say, I think, you know, if I was going to put write this down in a nutshell, I'm like, What in the world? And why? You know,

I don't think,

Donny 1:26:44
you know, I do know, I went through this, because I was supposed to, and like, I got here, because I'm supposed to help someone else get through it. Because there had been too many times that I was about ready to jump ship, and just fall and be done with it. And I could have ended up in jail. There have been situations I could have been killed in there many, many, many hours. You know what I'm saying? And it never happened. And it happened for a reason, because I'm supposed to be doing things like this. You know, like I had mentioned earlier, my anxiety was so bad that I couldn't pass college. And like, all I do is speak and like I just spoke at a medical college, to the graduating class of 115 doctors about addiction and bedside manner and how to talk to people and things like that. And I speak regularly at meetings, and I do support groups. And

Maia 1:27:43
basically, because

Donny 1:27:46
people need to know that there's a, there's a way out, you know, and if I don't talk about how I got out, it's not going to be available to the next person. You know what I'm saying? And like, I think that's what this world is all about. We're supposed to stay connected and help each other for some reason. We forget that.

Scott Benner 1:28:02
Yeah, move forward, continue to move forward and help other people move forward. Absolutely. Because your story is uncommon. And so therefore, there are not as many people left at the end to retell that story. So if there aren't as many people to retell that story, and those few people decide not to retell it, and everyone's stuck starting over all the time, and just left to the randomness. And I don't know, I think that's great. I think about diabetes the exact same way. I've said it before I can picture myself standing in the shower, crying, thinking, I'm killing my daughter, because of the very things that you said, about not understanding how to use your insulin, just the same situation that everyone's in. And it feels to me, just very wrong, to look back at everybody and just go like, I figured it out. Good luck, suckers. You know what I mean? You know, yeah, I'm out of here. And and don't get me wrong. There's some days where I'm like, Oh, I said diabetes one too many times today, you know, but

Donny 1:29:02
not the same thing about recovery. Yeah, right. I do, you know, but like to think like, and I'm not, and I hope this doesn't come across wrong. Like, you don't have diabetes. You don't know what it's like, and you saved my life. You helped save my life. You know what I mean? I'm like, eternally grateful for that. Because what you did and what you're doing for people, you didn't do this, you know, in your head going, you know, in three years, I'm going to help some guy get off the drugs and not kill himself. I know that wasn't in your head, but what you're doing and your love and your passion for what you do. The ripple effect got to me, and then my ripple effect. Hopefully we'll get to the next person. And that's what I'm trying to do. That's

Scott Benner 1:29:46
lovely. I just didn't want people to cry in the shower. Honestly, too sad place to cry. Just, you know, it really is. I And really, the shower was me. I was hiding. Like my wife would come home and be like, how was your day? I bet Great, everything's fine, she's doing great. You know, I didn't get a chance to take a shower, let me just jump in the shower before dinner. And then I would just jump in the shower and the pressure and stress of keeping a kid alive all day with diabetes when I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I would explode. And then I'd pull myself back together and then do it again. You know, and it's just, it's just nobody deserves to feel that way. When there's no reason that you should have to feel that way. Like, there's some bad stuff in life we all have to go through. But, you know, it just just seems obvious, like, but you know, I don't you know, for reasons that I think we've all, you know, hashed and rehashed over and over again, people don't tell people about how to manage their diabetes, doctors don't, you know, other friends don't like, it's just not what happens, right? I just that's unnecessary,

Maia 1:30:52
endless.

Donny 1:30:55
And it affects every other portion of your life. You know what I'm saying? Like, it affects your happiness, your sadness, your mood swings, how you eat, how you live? How do you communicate with people about, can I go to dinner? Well, what time are we going to dinner, you know, ah, everything. I mean, everything I would

Scott Benner 1:31:16
any health care professional that helps people with diabetes, to go back and take 300 hours and listen to this show. And then tell me that your first words to a person with diabetes shouldn't be, hey, this sucks. Sorry, it's going to be alright. Pay attention. Here's how insulin works. And here's how you're going to use these tools to make it work for you. If that's not why you can listen to this and not come to the conclusion that that's how you should be speaking to people, then you have a much different idea of people's happiness and health than I do.

Maia 1:31:48
And they're in the wrong profession. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:31:49
100%, right. And that that does exist to you got to be careful, you know, sometimes, sometimes, you know, three strikes, and you got to change doctors.

Maia 1:31:58
And I'm glad you said that, because I did want to touch on this.

Donny 1:32:02
You know, when I had met Jenny, and worked with her, and the amount of I don't even want to say care, because if anyone knows Jenny, she's amazing. Like, I honestly, I would live next to her and want to be next to her and have every meal table cookies, that I mean, she's so knowledgeable, and she's just such a good person. Like, it was like, Ah, it's just so awesome that to be able to connect with her for four months and like, feel good about myself and have someone in my corner that's like really felt like a team player was like, rooting me on. It was it was a game changer for me. But I had learned so much from that little amount of time, that when I went back to my endo, which did not take very well that I got outside help. In the beginning, they were all for it. But when I came with my new pump settings, they didn't even want to look at them. And I actually was told we'll call you when we go over these changes. And we'll be in touch with you and I never heard back from them. So from going from working with Jenny and understanding, That's not right. I'm not being treated right, I have the courage to find another doctor. And I actually have an endocrinologist right now who is a type one. And it's like the best relationship ever. Right? But I would never have known anything different. If I had not started this process, you know what I'm saying? Because I didn't know anything different. You know just how discouraging it is to see an endocrinologist make a pump change and say get your bloodwork done. We'll see in three months. You want my bloodwork done today. You just made the changes 30 seconds ago my pump. That's what what are you talking about? You know what I mean? Like that's, like, I know better than that. And you're the pay professional, you know, so it's uh, I don't know, I'm super lucky that this process has found I was able to find my tribe, I was able to find my recovery I was able to build a community around me to support me and want me to do better instead of pulling me backwards I'm like super grateful you're part of it, man. Thank you.

Scott Benner 1:34:01
It means a lot to me. I'm thrilled that we that we met it was you know, obviously just random and I will never know who that person was. I don't think that that put us in touch but I'm glad that happened. I really am and for a number of reasons not the least of which is that you came on here and did this twice. And and I know this wasn't easy for you. You know even though you are speaking in public This is recorded it's different.

Maia 1:34:27
Yeah, it is different. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:34:29
And at the same time, I can just tell like I can hear in your I can hear your words and I know how it's going to hit different people who are in not your exact situation but in funny ways are in your exact situation for now, and I'm looking forward to those people even though I won't meet most of them. Having those little like celebration moments like you've said so many things along this this hour and a half where I feel like someone should be standing behind you like blowing up balloons and like throwing confetti up in the air. Like just Just the smallest thing like I switched doctors, like if you have been listening for the last I don't know how long and you've heard, you know, Danny's journey and how he's been impacted by it's like logically switching doctors is something you probably couldn't have done two years ago.

Maia 1:35:15
No, right? No, no, no, not at all right? No,

Scott Benner 1:35:18
it's just amazing. It really is wonderful. I mean, you're such a, you're such a happy story. I mean, it seems like it isn't. But it really it really is, it's just a wonderfully happy story, and you have something, I'd like to leave you with this. For me, I think you have something. I don't know if it'll ever make up for the things that happened to you, or the things you've been through. But I think you have perspective and context that not many people get to have. And I think that's valuable. And I bet you it's gonna pay you back in a number of different ways for the rest of your life. So, and other people as well.

Maia 1:35:53
Wow, thank you

Scott Benner 1:35:54
know, it's it's worth it's, it can't be we can never say any of that was worth it. But you have a superpower. But I was supposed to go through it in person, you have a superpower. Now. Some of us don't get, you know, and you start our conversation talking about and, and how she came on? And has that power to? Yeah, she does. She asked if you don't see the, if you don't see the relation between her and you, you're not, you know, looking closely enough, you know, so, um, that's it, it's a, it's a wonderful thing, I think it'll serve you a million different ways, wonderfully. So

Donny 1:36:29
I appreciate that. It's done a lot for me already. So I'm, I'm lucky to be here. I'm grateful to be here, you know, and I don't go through life trying to get or have anything more than I already have. Because what I have is enough. And that's what I've always ever just wanted was just to be enough, you know, and I think there's definitely going to be some people out there that are going to connect on the level of what happened to me as a child, and if they never address it publicly, I hope that they can get a little bit of amount of healing from hearing it through me.

Scott Benner 1:37:03
No, I think they will, I think you're, you're maybe the exact right person to pass that information to other people, you just you have a way of while we're talking, you're accessing things that should that are and should be painful. And you're explaining them in a way that I can understand. Yeah, and it feels like it's moving me forward in my understanding of these things. And I think once you get to a room with other people who have had those similar experiences, it's gonna resonate with them, you know, a million times over, and, and you're gonna stand in front of them as the example of it could really work out for you. You know,

Maia 1:37:43
I really appreciate that, you know, um, there's also a level of healing that happens on my end as well. So I do appreciate the opportunity to heal just a little bit more today, you know,

Scott Benner 1:37:53
now I appreciate it too. And I will, I will mirror that right back to you by telling you that I you know, I see the notes. I know that podcast helps people. The very not secret secret at this point is helps me way more than it helps you. It helps me with diabetes and my daughter, but it helps me personally to

Unknown Speaker 1:38:13
I am.

Scott Benner 1:38:16
I am such a better listener than I was five years ago.

Maia 1:38:20
Right. And I actually have a voice today. Yeah. And I try I try to use it wisely. You know, I think your is is

Scott Benner 1:38:27
wonderful. Well, it's not sitting kissing each other's asses. Let's just here's what's gonna happen. you've recorded two podcasts to get one out that was nice. And we're all rooting I think we're all rooting for you to go to New York and have a ton of really guilt free sex.

Maia 1:38:47
Oh my god that just got real uncomfortable. everyone listening

Scott Benner 1:38:51
is like oh my god, I need to stay at least alive till the summer to find out if what happened

Maia 1:38:58
to me I count together to help pay for my hotel. Expenses

Scott Benner 1:39:09
100% thought you were gonna say condoms

Maia 1:39:13
is now sponsored by Trojan

Scott Benner 1:39:15
hey listen if we can add from Trojan I'll take it. Oh my god. All right, listen, I'm gonna say goodbye. And let's say goodbye via like a person after the recordings over so thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it.

Maia 1:39:28
Thank you, Scott.

Scott Benner 1:39:37
Huge thanks to Donnie for coming on the show and sharing so much of his story with us. It could not have been easy. And you know what in honor of the afterdark series, and the bleeping out that's gone through let me say this. I want to thank Dexcom for being the best mcgm in the whole world. And the Omni pod, whoever over there. figured out the Make a tubeless insulin pump your I am genius. Go to dexcom.com forward slash juice box and my Omni pod.com forward slash juice box to find out more. And if you want to see a lot of people doing some really good work, go to touch by type one.org I'm not going to curse about them. Although I think that what they do is absolutely amazing. You must know what to do. Go support the sponsors Don't break my house. If you're currently struggling with addiction, please reach out to someone for help. It could be a treatment center, a hospital, a family member, a loved one are strangers on Facebook, no matter how dire things feel. I believe you could make it to the other side. You just might need some help. If you suspect child maltreatment you can go to the Child Welfare Information Gateway it's at child welfare.gov. That page will explain how to report suspected child abuse or neglect.

You can always listen to the Juicebox Podcast here but the cool kids use: Apple Podcasts/iOS - Pandora - Spotify - Amazon Alexa - Google Play/Android - iHeart Radio -  Radio Public or their favorite podcast app.

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