#294 Megan Makes Peace

Anxiety and Type 1 Diabetes

Megan has been living with anxiety and type 1 diabetes.

+ Click for EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

---

DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by Dexcom. On the pod and dancing for diabetes, you can go to my omnipod.com Ford slash juicebox dexcom.com Ford slash juicebox, or dancing the number four diabetes.com. To find out more about the sponsors. There are also links in your show notes right there in your podcast app, and at Juicebox podcast.com.

In this week's episode of the podcast, I will be speaking with Megan, an adult who has had Type One Diabetes for quite some time. Megan and I are going to speak today about her life with type one, the anxiety that she experiences, how she's handling it, and how she's brought her a one C from a double digit number to where it is today. At the very end of the podcast, I have a note from Megan that I'll share with you a postscript to the episode. But I'd like to get right to it. So let me just remind you that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise. And that you should always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan for becoming bold with insulin. Little programming note Megan and I talk about marijuana for like a couple of seconds towards the end of the episode. Nothing salacious. I just wanted to let you know.

Megan Carlson 1:53
My name is Megan Carlson. I live in Chicago, Illinois.

Scott Benner 1:58
I like it shortened to the point. Okay. So, I want to tell you that your email about wanting to be on the show was so sort of concise and well laid out that I think for the first time I might just follow the course of your email for this interview. Okay, so I need to know first and you don't have to tell me where you work. But what kind of work do you do? Because this is very well thought out and presented.

Megan Carlson 2:24
I do communications for a living. That makes sense then, doesn't it? Yeah, I work. I work in nonprofits. But I do communications in marketing.

Scott Benner 2:31
I work in working in the nonprofit doesn't mean you don't do you like I work in a nonprofit? What are you trying to tell me? You're poor? Is that the?

Megan Carlson 2:40
Yeah, well, I don't want them there. But I'm just more that I think like there's this like glossy marketing slick corporate image. And that's not my day to day know what you do?

Scott Benner 2:50
Well, I'm gonna listen, you made this one really easy. And I think it's incredibly interesting. So let me just sort of start with like, let's get the whole idea set up here for since you were diagnosed when you were four in 1992. How old are you now?

Megan Carlson 3:05
I'm 31. Okay,

Scott Benner 3:06
so 27 right. 27 years, you've had type one diabetes. That's a long, blank time. So okay, so I want you to tell me a little bit obviously, you don't remember being diagnosed at four or maybe you do.

Megan Carlson 3:22
Very little. I remember being in the hospital. I don't remember the lead up. I've heard the story. You know, it's kind of the traditional thing as very thick, very thirsty. And then being in the hospital and the rooms being yellow and not being able to eat when I wanted to.

Scott Benner 3:36
There's a strong possibility we start off calling this one very sick, very thirsty, yellow, yellow room, because I never heard anyone I like that. You can tell Hold on, let me start my thought over, you can tell that you've had diabetes for a long time because you're not that interested in telling the story of like the beginning. It's just like, Look, I was sick, and I was thirsty. And I went to the hospital. That's what happened. It happens to everybody. Bla bla bla. Great, very nice. I like that. But you described your family and their sort of aversion to doctors to me and I wonder if you couldn't put that into context. Don't forget check out dancing for diabetes.com that's dancing the number for diabetes.com

Megan Carlson 4:17
Yeah, sure. I think that um, so it's not if I just read Tara Westover is educated and I wouldn't say my family's anything like that. That's like a very like culture, a culture that doesn't appreciate the medical industry. I would say my family's issues with doctors and hospitals are really out of fear and a bit out of money. Like it's expensive to go and I think it's just it's passed down my grandma, we still can't get her to go to the doctor without a fight. So my dad I don't think has been to the doctor and like years and years and years, so it was just one of one of those things that it felt scary so nobody did it.

Scott Benner 4:54
Do they not go because they don't need a doctor or do they need a doctor and they don't go in spite of that.

Megan Carlson 4:59
Well I was I grew up with my grandparents and my dad, I would say, it varies by person, my grandma's just very like Well, my go if even if she needs to it's a constant battle among us all. My dad's been pretty healthy. I think that's kind of it. It's like, you know, that ain't broke, don't fix it, which is a bad way to look at your interactions with the healthcare system.

Scott Benner 5:19
So yeah, I for certain, let me ask, and you don't have to go too far and other people's details, but your grandmother, an older woman, I would imagine and she's alive, right. So she Yeah, so she just like in she like an old busted down car that every time you look at it, you think I can't believe that thing runs? Or is she doing okay?

Megan Carlson 5:36
She's, you know, when she had a couple, she has to go a little bit more. Now, we had some scares kind of five or six years ago, where she did have to go to the hospital. And so she's had to do you know, she has medication now. So it's, it's just a little bit of a back and forth with her all the time.

Scott Benner 5:52
Doesn't make it easy. But she's getting the care she needs. That's good. But for the but you know, but you grew up in a family who weren't going to doctors, not even just not running to them, but they weren't using them when they needed so much. And then all of a sudden you had a chronic illness. And you describe in your email that there, your visits were infrequent, and sort of just there for you to get yelled at and get your prescription. Yeah, can you remember? Do you have any thoughts or memories of that as you were growing up?

Megan Carlson 6:23
Oh, a lot. Um, it's going to the doctor was really, I don't think I'm overstating it by saying it was a traumatic experience, because we didn't go very much. And that was a child outside of my control. Like now I know. Like it wasn't, you know, I, there's nothing I could have done. But we didn't go and then we had one nurse practitioner at the Children's Hospital who just I can I can picture her face even now we'd go in and I'd get my a one C which I don't remember. So to present that question. And she would just it would just be so much judgment, and why aren't you doing this? And why are you doing this, and then we would just wait for it to be over. And then we could wait another whenever three months, one year, we hustled a lot to get prescriptions. But it was not a good experience. It was not helpful. I never felt like that was part of a team. And it's so funny. I think another thing with my family and the end, like the healthcare complex was just, they weren't able to advocate for themselves. And I think they didn't understand what was going on. I think a big component of this is ignorance. And so we didn't know we could see a different doctor, we don't have to go to the same judgy person all the time. Um, but yeah, that's kind of what the the whole interaction was, like, I always

Scott Benner 7:38
wonder if there's so you you described like a situation where your family wasn't it like, you weren't going in the door, like, Hey, we're here we want to learn tell us more. Plus, you've got type one, and it's, you know, largely invisible. And I wonder if it was largely invisible to your father. And and he just thought, like, Look, Megan gets up in the morning. She's going to school. She's you know, she's okay. I wonder how much of that I mean, 27 years ago is, you know, it's that it's what's it 1990 ish, like, Yeah, right. It's not exactly the Stone Age of you know, of diabetes. But if your dad didn't have any context for it, and you weren't, like falling on the floor, he probably was like, She's fine. Or do you think that he didn't think that? Do you have any idea what his perception was?

Megan Carlson 8:25
Yeah, so I think we've talked about it a lot now. So back then this is before carb counting really like carb exchanges. You still carb counted, but it was back when I've heard you have other guests who are a little older, we're, you have like a meal. And you have to have like your bread and your dairy and your you know, all these different things. And you eat very certain times. And so he was good about that. And we kept on it. I think the fear was him younger is always that you're going to go to bed and not wake up. So there were a lot of, I think fear with him around lows. And then, but what you're describing, I think was very much the case, as I got older and started to manage more on my own, especially my teenage years and definitely into my adulthood was that Oh, she's, she's obviously taking care of it. She's smart girl, I always did well on school, like so Oh, she must have it under control. Like, everything's fine. And I think there's some just not knowing and I definitely wasn't opening up at that time. Like the I know, the big theme of our talk right now is like the shame and anxiety. Like, I was not openly talking about my diabetes for a long, long time. So I'd be like, yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay. But I think another component of that is some willful ignorance. Like, Oh, she says she's fine. I'm not gonna probe further, even though, if you thought about it a little more, you might be able to tell I wasn't doing great.

Scott Benner 9:46
Megan. you've just described 96% of the marriages that I know. She I mean, she didn't say she was unhappy, but she's crying. Yeah, but she didn't say it.

Unknown Speaker 10:00
So

Scott Benner 10:02
I'm not characterizing my marriage that way. I was just saying that I there, it's very common for people to just look the other way. You know, I'll worry about it tomorrow. I'm too busy to think about it today, this isn't a pressing issue. And or I wouldn't know what to do if it was a pressing issue. So let's just not everybody be grateful that nobody's asking me for the quite the answer. And, and you know, what to? Do you have siblings?

Megan Carlson 10:30
I have. I'm an only child for, for all intensive, intensive purposes. I have three half siblings, but I didn't grow up with my mom.

Scott Benner 10:39
That's why we're in the house. Okay. Yeah. Because sometimes too, in a multiple, like, child situation, the one who appears to be getting the good grades and getting their homework done. You never asked them, hey, do you need to handle that? And you know, and then when they're adults, they're like, Hey, you never helped me, you helped everyone else. And I could have used help. And you know, it could but you're not in that situation. Exactly. Okay. So but you also weren't going to him and saying that I'm not doing well with this. Would you have gone to him about other things that weren't diabetes related?

Megan Carlson 11:11
Growing up, it's, you know, it's hard to remember, we've been pretty close, I'd say we've gotten even closer as an adult. So now I talk a lot about this. All the diabetes stuff with him back then I'm trying to think. I don't know if like as a teenage girl, you go to your dad for every single thing.

Scott Benner 11:29
In here is so much different than that. That's why I asked I don't like you in the box. At the very end of your note, you're like Don't forget, you know, around ardens period. And Bob like talking about that. We talked about that here constantly.

Megan Carlson 11:38
Oh, good. Yeah. Cuz it's no one doctor ever told me that and like, and if I can segue briefly, that's another thing that's come up a lot is that I didn't have any tools to help me like thank God for the internet now and the diabetes community on the internet, because, like, I would just get a lot of judgment and like, bring your a one c one out, bring your a one c down. But no one ever says how do you do that? So things like knowing that your your blood sugars are going to shift based on your menstrual cycle. No one told me. Like, I just figured that out, like

Scott Benner 12:12
what's going on? Even if someone told you like, Do you wonder if you would have just been like, That's weird. I'm like, I don't care about that. I just got a note from a person this morning, who's you know, talking about how great the Pre-Bolus episode was that we did? And then she's like, how could it be possible? That something someone's been saying to me my whole life I've been ignoring, and then some random guy says it on a podcast, and I'm like, Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Like, like, how did I ignore all that time? And but, hey, here's an aside. Why period? Like At what point? Did someone say menstrual cycle? Let's call it a period? Like, why not an ellipses? Or an asterick? Or I don't like why did they pick period? Do not? I mean, why isn't it called a comma? Or are you listening to me? Do you?

Megan Carlson 12:56
I love it. It's so vague and mysterious, because it's like that we don't want to talk about this thing. So it's very good that you talk about this with your daughter, because there's something shameful about like, your period, menstrual cycle, whatever, like you kill nature, that whole weird

Scott Benner 13:08
thing that happens to you ladies, it's making the whole world roll around. So no, it's very important. And but I still don't know who's I would love to know the first person who is like, I don't want to say menstrual cycle. I'm gonna say, period.

Megan Carlson 13:22
And my Grandma, I'm sorry to interrupt, but my grandma called it your sick time. So when I was growing up, like that's your sick time,

Scott Benner 13:31
time. Oh, I know someone who says Menzies and I don't know why. But I adore that word. I don't know what it means and makes you feel weird and unhappy and, and want to laugh all at the same time. Anyway, if it was named after punctuation, I mean, maybe maybe somebody said one time You know what, this sucks, period.

Megan Carlson 13:53
Oh, yeah, that I could get behind.

Scott Benner 13:56
Okay, so so you're coming up? This is your experience over and over again? What's your first recollection of a of an A one see that, that you remember having?

Unknown Speaker 14:07
Um,

Megan Carlson 14:11
I could give a range. Probably when I was young. I was definitely thinking double digits. And then I know my worst, which I don't really want to say but double digits. But that was that first one I remember is from when I was an adult. I would also do Oh, I also faint when I get my blood drawn. So I've done lots of sneaky things to get out of getting an A one seat taken.

Scott Benner 14:33
Do you think every time someone draws your blood?

Megan Carlson 14:36
It's getting better? It's getting better? 27 it's getting

Scott Benner 14:39
better. Hey, listen, by the time you're 65 I think you're gonna have it under control. Right?

Megan Carlson 14:43
All right. Yeah. Well, now they can tough day one see what the finger prick which like, I've been going to kind of like, a little like less professional hospitals, I guess. And so when I went in, and they did it on a finger prick, I was like, What is this magic? It's done immediately. That was cool.

Scott Benner 15:00
I would love to know what a less Professional Hospital looks like. But that's a that's another story. So okay, so you had double digits 10 we're above a one season even here, we're still hearing you have in your mind right now there is a high number a ones that you have a watermark that you've hit. And you really you still don't want to say it because you you feel ashamed of it. Is that right?

Megan Carlson 15:23
Yeah, yeah, actually, no, it's the way you phrase that I'm trying very hard not to be ashamed. I remember anyone see, I was like, 13, I think in my 20s. But there were lots of times where I just avoided taking the test all together, like I would do anything I could, because you thought it was higher than that even, um, or around there. And the number was very meaningless. To me, this is another thing I actually kind of wanted to talk about, too, is when so when I was starting to think about getting kind of my life in order and getting my health in order, so maybe like mid late 20s. I people would actually know this goes from earlier, this target of like, you know, you need a six or 6.581 c seems so impossible, especially like so thinking about the numbers, like being at 100 made me feel like it because I was Oh, crap. I knew I knew I was gonna swear.

Scott Benner 16:15
I'll be put out and I've said this before, and I'll say it again. If you all knew how amazing it was that I don't curse while I'm doing this podcast, it's really one of the great accomplishments of my life, because I love to curse and do it almost all day long. So don't worry about it. We'll bleep it out. Keep going. Okay.

Megan Carlson 16:33
Yeah, so I felt like crap. I felt like garbage all the time, because I was so used to being at higher numbers and the idea of being at 100 or 110 all the time. Like, I was, first of all, I had no idea how to do it. And then secondly, it just seems so out of range. The why even try?

Scott Benner 16:50
I understand I so everything you said makes sense, honestly. First of all, the not feeling well, part of it is so countered or counter intuitive to what you're being told someone's telling you like, yo, your blood sugar should be 100. Then one day gets to 100. And you're dizzy. Yeah, you think well, that's not right. I feel much better here. No one gives you the rest. Like it's always the rest of the sentence that doesn't get spoken. You want to have your blood sugar around 100. Because and by the way, because you've been so high recently, this is what it's going to feel like sir, for a while. So let's not just shoot for 100 right away, why don't we just get you to 200. And then we'll get you to 150. And then we'll keep moving you down. And you know, and that's going to be the process that we follow. And by the way, here's how we're going to do that. But you were with in a situation that I think most people find themselves in, they go into an endocrinologist office. And someone tells them this is your goal, but gives you no roadmap or tools to get to that goal. Just you have to accomplish this. Or you're going to you know what, whatever the scary stuff is that these people, you know, the ones who aren't good at it blurt it people trying to scare them. Like, how do you scare someone into doing something they don't know how to do it. I like, here's my example. Right? If someone burst into this room right now pointed a gun at me and told me to jump out the window and fly away, I'd be really scared. But I'd still fall and hit the ground when I jumped out the window because I don't know how to fly. And and they didn't say get wings or get into a plane or here's what you're going to do to fly. They just said, Do it right now. I'm going to scare you into doing it. And that just is is an incredibly stupid idea. And I think that, you know, sorry, no, it just doesn't work. It would never work.

Megan Carlson 18:32
I think it's so important because I have had a lot of doctors do the scare tactic thing with me, like many. And it is it has the opposite effect. I know some people that works and they get scared straight. Okay, but I doubt it works with most people. Because what happens, or what happened with me is that I get a doctor saying you're gonna lose your feet, you're gonna have this problem, you're gonna have this problem, like, you know, the consequences. And that would make me really not want to see the doctor again. Yeah, that's all made me avoid the doctor

Scott Benner 19:02
because you didn't know how to you didn't know how to stop, quote, unquote, from losing your feet. And you didn't want to be told it was gonna happen again. Now you're just trying to live in a blissful ignorance and get as far as you can before your feet fall off. Right? Right. You're not yet I don't know who does that and thinks this will work. Like, like, it just, it's got to be a tired person at their job, a person who just is either lacking in the real desire to get you to another place, or in the way to talk to you about it. And I you know, I just got done saying this to somebody recently, but because I record these so far away, it'll be six months ago, the last time you heard me say it, so there's no shame in me saying it again. But how is it possible that a podcast helps a person that I a person who has no training, I have no medical training, I don't know anything specific that you know anyone else can't figure out on their own. And yet I found a way to talk to people Where they don't feel like that? How is it a doctor can't feel find that? Like, how can you not figure out how to speak to someone to help them? And, and don't tell me everyone's different. Because I have almost a million downloads on this podcast, everyone's different. And most people can figure it out if you just give it to them in a digestible way and, and let them find their way to it. It's not difficult to communicate with people, if you have a skill to do it like and if you don't then get out of the business. You know what I mean? Like you're in a business where you're supposed to be communicating something confusing to people. You're making me upset, man, I'm getting upset?

Megan Carlson 20:35
No, well, I'm with you. I'm about as well. And that's kind of the thing that I wish, some more doctors knew. And I think that it's it's complicated, too, because it's not just how we trained doctors and like lack of empathy training, but it's also a doctor is not the bad guy. But it's like time like so when you mentioned before, the forget, you said something about like, the second part of the sentence is that, oh, you're going to feel like, you're not going to feel great for a while it's going to get better. Like all this time, you need time to explain the things and what happens when you're in the doctor's office is you're with a specialist, they have 20 minutes, and they just tell you the directions and I found out for my myself, just the way I learn. And I bet this is true for a lot of other people is that if you just tell me the thing, and don't tell me the mechanism by which it works, I'm not going to understand. So if you just say like, shoot for 100 that's, that's meaningless to me. If you say like, shoot for 100, you're going to take these steps, then it might feel bad for a while, but just understand that it's going to get better. And that's because your body's been used to this sugar. And now as you come down, it has to adjust to new normal, like little stuff. But that takes time and doctors don't have it. And so they just give the direction. And like there's so many things like think about like a non diabetic person going getting some medical direction they're gonna hear drink eight glasses of water. But if you don't understand why then it's like, well, yeah, sure. That sounds like a good thing to do. But why like,

Scott Benner 21:59
yeah, cuz it's not fun drinking eight glasses of water. So you have to give me a really good reason to do it.

Megan Carlson 22:03
I have to understand. Yeah,

Scott Benner 22:05
right. No, yeah. And, and that also keeps you from being surprised, as changes come, so that you're not like, everything that becomes different your life, you don't stop and go, I wonder if this is okay, or not just let somebody know, um, you might feel dizzy at 150 for a while. Yeah, you know, go somewhere safe and try to write it out, don't push your blood sugar back up again, to make it feel better. And just any number of I don't know, I just even as you say that, that makes sense to me. And I don't think that's an unfair defense of the situation that doctors find themselves in with the short visits, but still, in 15 minutes, I could explain to you the necessity for you to Pre-Bolus. And that alone would keep your blood sugar lower. So that the next time I saw you 15 minutes later, I can add another piece to it. Sure, it might take two years, but I still think I could build that house 15 minutes at a time. I don't think it's I don't think it's the best way. But I think that if that's the only way i had i do think I could drag somebody along slowly through that time. And you know, you're right, there's nothing ideal about it. To be perfectly honest. You know, a group Skype between all of your patients every day would probably be a more valuable use of 15 minutes. Oh, totally, you know, right. Like, you could just have like a little seminar every day. And people could pop in and out and get something out of it and move along. And I'm just I'm a huge fan of that. Like, you know, like when you're filling your toolbox, you don't always get to fill it right up the first time. Sometimes you're walking along, and you know, you're Dora the Explorer, and you're like, Look, I need that stick that my backpack. And you know, maybe I don't have a use for it now. But when I find the next thing, these two things are going to work great together. I think that you can, I do think that's why the podcast works. Because sometimes you and I have a conversation and somebody's gonna hear something in it. And then they'll listen to the next conversation, hear something different, and eventually their backpack will be full. And there'll be on their way. I know I started toolbox and with the backpack, but Dora popped into my head and I don't know why. So,

Megan Carlson 24:12
no, it's great. I'm with it. Um, no, I think that's totally useful. Because I would say all this stuff that I've learned about managing diabetes, and now I'm in pretty tight control, like it started listening to this podcast. And then and the thing is, you can take what applies to you and you can leave there's been some things that you've suggested that I've tried, they're not for me based on like my body and the things that I've gone through. So I don't do them, of course. And then the the online community is really great. I remember so in the early days of the internet going on the there was like the forums, right? So I go on diabetes forums occasionally. And I remember is again, these people who had these like beautiful anyone sees and they were just like, you know, if you are just a perfect Angel of humans behavior, you will have a great agency, and just feeling frustrated about that. But now it's so different because I think people are very honest. And the Instagram community specifically has been fantastic because they talk about their ups and downs. And a lot of people do include their downs. So you know, hey, I'm not alone in this. Oh, I'm not the only one experiencing this weird blood sugar that happens with this thing. Yeah, and it's just, it's more approachable. And then you can share kind of tips and tricks about what works. And that's the thing you never get in a doctor's office is like, here's little things you can do to manage better. Like, I wouldn't even when I tried to get my diabetes in order a cup, like probably in my, when I was starting to try to get it in order in my mid 20s. Like, the only thing endocrinologist would talk about was my insulin dose, and like, Hey, I can do basic math, like I don't really need that much help with insulin dosing. Like I need help with, like understanding digestion and hormones and all that stuff. And that's just not I'm not getting that from a traditional doctors.

Scott Benner 26:00
Yeah, I think. So I obviously have a lot of like, thoughts about how people share online, everything and but to go back to what you said about being there's things I say that you're like, yeah, that didn't work for me. And I leave that aside, but this piece did. If I could, or anybody could give you every Imagine if I was able to give every single one of you your entire perfect picture. I couldn't do that. Like, that's insane. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know all the little ins and outs about your life. But what I found is that there are sort of these basic tenants, and that they all hold basically true for most people. And so you can take the ones that work for you and help you and leave the ones that don't behind. And it's perfect, but I don't and I do agree to that people showing they're sort of like ebbs and flows is incredibly important, because you could follow somebody and say, Oh, my gosh, look how great they're doing. But then if they're not doing great, you know, quote, unquote, the next day or the next week, that's comforting to you know, Arden's blood sugar's higher right now, you don't hear me say that on the podcast a lot, because it honestly doesn't happen a lot. But it happens sometimes. And it happened today, she, you know, got something, and it really crushed her. So you know what I mean? Like, you're you just, it's a different situation. And we stopped it. And we Excuse me, I'm actually going to talk to her right now. And I'll tell you what, what's happening, we stopped it, and we fixed it, and we're gonna get it back again. But she says, she's at school, and she's like, I'm gonna go get something to eat. And I got really late notice on, I'm gonna get something to eat, right. And so there's no Pre-Bolus. And I thought I was aggressive enough, and I wasn't, and so then we had to come back around and be aggressive again. And now she's, you know, it's back. But it's not level, I didn't come in for the smooth landing. So we're gonna have to grab it with some juice right now. And, you know, I'm gonna get her level right around 90. And she's never having gone to been low, and wasn't over 170. But still, if, if we had a little more time and a little more notice, I wouldn't have, we wouldn't have hit the 170. But we did, because life and all that, you know, and so when people are willing to share that online, that's incredibly valuable, because you get to see everything doesn't have to be perfect. I try to remind myself every few weeks to put something up, that doesn't look good. so that people can see that work. That is, you know, my daughter has an eight, one c between five two and 64. Five years, but look, her blood sugar goes up and down, like your stuff. You know, like, like, but but there are also people who share and they're in a bad place, or they only show share the bad stuff, or they won't click Yeah, so they do the clicky stuff, which is like, isn't this hard? This is so hard. Isn't this hard? It's so hard, isn't it? And like yeah, it's hard. So I get a like or a click and they get to sell ads on their blog or whatever it is they're doing because they have a lot of clicks. That stuff I don't like like that. Yeah, that makes me upset.

Megan Carlson 28:59
Well, there's definitely the there's the influencers. I think there's a little bit of both. I think it's kind of fascinating and I do you know, marketing for a living I think about this, but um, the there's definitely the what is it fitspiration there's the people who are like on the tee Wendy community on Instagram, who are also kind of like the fitness instagramers and that's so like not, I'm you know, I'm in my 30s I don't care about that, like so it's like I have to kind of pick and choose among the people I follow. But it has been like kind of back to your point about like seeing the bad stuff and and the good stuff. It's helpful, especially if you're experiencing shame. Like the thing that destroys shame is talking about stuff. That's part of the reason I wanted to do this podcast because I'm trying to get over that stuff. And this was like a tool to help like, hey, if I go on as and can talk about my experiences to a lot of people I don't know, like I'm gonna do a lot to reduce the shame that I felt for years of not taking care of my But seeing someone else go through and and being able to reach out and just being like, I know there was someone posted the other day about having a bad week of blood sugars and nothing she could do to bring them down. And I was like, oh, I've been there. I know what that's like. And just that little bit of I don't know if it's like human connection or bringing the secret out of the shadow, but it's so helpful.

Scott Benner 30:20
Yeah, no, I, I'm excited to have you on because of that, because you are. So let's, let's kind of bring people back into your story a little bit. So you, you know, become an adult get into your 20s, you have the same sort of like Doctor avoidance stuff that that you grew up with, you're not going as much as you want to. And you say in your late 20s, you got a better job. And that how did that help you with your health? Was it insurance or money? or What what? Where did that move?

Megan Carlson 30:48
You? Yeah, me. I was definitely living. Like I said, I worked in nonprofits last of my life, so I was not making bank. And doctor appointments are expensive. And I'm already going to preempt the not your comeback to that. But like what someone might say is that like, Well, yeah, but you need to prioritize your health. Yes. And if you're 24, and only have a couple hundred in your bank, like, do I spend $40 on the copay? Or do I buy you know this thing? Or do I go to dinner? Like, you know, you just you make choices. And so I wouldn't say like, I probably could have managed money in a way that would have made diabetes, my number one priority, and it's still would have been hard. I'm not sure if I could have afforded Dexcom and Omni, I actually couldn't have afforded all these things that I'm using now. Because the upfront cost would have been too much. So not having money being such a stressor, when I got this better job was a huge, huge child, because I couldn't, I didn't feel like going to the doctor was another thing that was hurting me.

Scott Benner 31:56
Good. Yeah, that's, that's and so in that interesting, right. So you have some money now. And now it's not, oh, I have to go do this thing that's going to be unpleasant. Probably not end well, but I know I should be doing it and doing better. Not only that, but now I'm going to be broken, it's going to mess something else up. If I do that. Yeah. So you're taken out of that situation. Healthcare is not what we're talking about. But obviously very important, especially for chronic illnesses like this, where you have to go a lot to kind of manage and understand where you're at, you know, with the trends and your blood tests and all that stuff. It's really, it's it's imperative. And you're showing that because you went, and you started getting things back on track, and you're and you were moving in a better direction. You were moving in a better direction. How when did that start? Like when did your move in a better direction begin, like, in year around,

Megan Carlson 32:47
I think about three years ago, but it's been very slow. So like, I think three years ago, I started this job a little more money. So I was 28. I think I also started being in a more serious relationship around that time. So less social pressure to like, go out and do probably unhealthy things. Yeah, but it was still kind of slow going. I was working with one doctor. And the same thing. I wasn't really getting the tools, or the help to bring anything down. I was just kind of going more often and paying a little more attention. But all the things I couldn't have. There's only so much I could do. So I was getting it down slowly at a time, but almost like with zero guidance.

Scott Benner 33:34
Okay. And so what were your first steps to? Is that when you found the pockets back then?

Megan Carlson 33:40
No. So I'd say I started kind of getting things in order about three years ago, but not really, really getting them in order. I started like paying a little more attention. I remember when I finally had like an 881 See, probably two years ago I was thrilled and I know that's like insane high for some people but that was so exciting to me to feel like I could do it.

Scott Benner 34:00
That's amazing. I mean, you came from double digits to eight by just like paying more attention to what was going on not necessarily even making grand changes just what what did that mean? Yeah, like correcting a high or what what did what did starting to pay attention look like? And new year and a new decade has arrived. Why not add to the list of new things, a new way for you to think about managing your type one diabetes. That's right you or a loved one should be using, in my opinion, the Omni pod tubeless insulin pump and you'll be able to decide if that statement works for you by getting yourself an absolutely free zero obligation demo of the Omni pod sent directly to your home. That's right, if you go to my omnipod.com forward slash juice box on the pod we'll send you out an on the potty and insulin pump. It may be non working meaning it can't give you insulin it's not going to inject canula into you but You can wear it to feel the size and weight, how it looks, how it feels and how it adapts into your life. You can bathed with it, swim with it, do a jumping jack, I don't care, whatever you're doing cook dinner, tumble around on the floor with a friend. Whatever you got to do, and if it's on your kid, send them outside to play. I know it's cold, but they'll be alright. Anyway, check out the Omni pod, see how it fits into your life. And then if you want to continue just contact on the pod back and let them know, I want to do this. It's that simple. Miami pod.com forward slash juicebox. start something new for yourself today. Alright, so do you understand your day so far, you're gonna go to my omnipod.com Ford slash juice box, check out the Omni pod demo, then you'll probably bop over to dancing for diabetes.com just to see what's going on. And while you're full of the goodness in the life, you might as well go to dexcom.com Ford slash juice box and get started today with the dexcom continuous glucose monitor. Feel the comfort that comes with knowing the direction and speed that your blood sugar is moving? I need you to try to picture this. Your blood sugar is moving down? How quickly is it moving down? That's a big question right? It tests with a meter and you go Okay, my blood sugar's 90. test again, 20 minutes later, it's 85. I don't know what that tells you release it about the state 85, you're not going to know without the Dexcom. With the Dexcom. You can see my blood sugar is dropping at one point every couple of minutes, two points every couple of minutes. Or that's how fast it's rising. See when you've missed on a bolus, see when your adrenaline spiked up, and you're going to need in some of the time when you didn't realize it. Those are the things that the Dexcom does for you. My daughter has been using the Omni pod and the Dexcom for years and I'm a huge supporter of dancing for diabetes, I can think of no better way to spend a couple of moments and to look into these three things today. I very much appreciate that you listen to Juicebox Podcast and that you consider supporting the sponsors. Now let's get back to Megan and go straight through to the end. What did starting to pay attention look like?

Megan Carlson 37:07
I think actually a big thing was making sure that I insulin for like every little thing that I ate. So like I'm like a bit of a snack or grazer. And I always and I've had some eating issues in the past. So knowing that even if you eat a little bit, you need to like you need the insulin for it, even if it's a couple of grams of carbs. And then the flip side of that is, which I didn't know back then is that you're going to like stack your insulin a lot if you do that. So I think that was a big thing that changed. I started slowly. So I used to keep my numbers really high when I went to bed because I would be scared of going low overnight. I often did. And I think without any guidance, what I'd been doing was keeping my basal rate really, really high, just for the day. And that kind of kept me steady enough. But I would often go low at night. So I kind of like would go to bed pretty high. So that high number that I go to bed at I started kind of slowly bringing down but I don't think I really

Unknown Speaker 38:04
kind of

Megan Carlson 38:07
I guess I'll just kind of continue my story a little bit because then I can explain how I've gotten in control now you're doing great. I'm not stopping you. Good. Okay. Um, so I was slowly getting things in order and slowly bringing things down. And then last year in May, I had an eye hemorrhage. I have proliferative retinopathy. I had had retinopathy and the doctors were monitoring it. And I'd actually had an ophthalmologist appointment, I think only a month before, but it can happen that fast. So that kind of, I'd say a few months before, I'd also started having some really tricky blood sugar's where I was doing better in terms of managing, I think my agency was in the sevens. But things were just really unpredictable. And they're so unpredictable. And I think it's a combination of stress and hormones and some diet changes. And I'm kind of figuring it out. But at the time, I was just very stressed out and my blood sugar felt like it was all over. And then a couple months later, I had this eye hemorrhage. And that's when I kind of got really, really scared straight, almost too scared straight and straight to like, just absorb every piece of diabetes knowledge that I could get my hands on. So I think around that is when I started the podcast. So it's only been less than a year. And I learned really fast to the point where sometimes when I'm talking about there, you see Wendy's because I go to like a meetup or I go to a support group now. I realized like, I might know actually a little bit more because I've made this such a high priority. But that's when I really started learning all the ins and outs of like Pre-Bolus and what insulin can do and action times and digestion and like all them you know myriad factors that go into your daily blood sugar management.

Scott Benner 39:50
Do you find when you're in support groups that that a lot of people's like sticking point is that they just don't have that kind of basic information.

Megan Carlson 40:00
So I've only started the support group this year. So it's a newer one in Chicago. So I've only, we've only had a couple meetings, I don't know. And I think sometimes it's more support in terms of like, I'm not the only one going through this, like, it doesn't feel as much like therapy as much like a group dinner with people and being like, Oh, yeah, I have to do this too. And then we kind of can ask some questions about like, what do you do when this happens? What do you do when this happens? It's nice.

Scott Benner 40:29
It's a great, it's a really important piece of this that, again, doesn't get told you by anybody that you have to go find other people in some fashion and, and see connection? Yes, that's really important. Okay, yeah. So your, your eye your eye is, let's like, make sure people understand before we go forward. Where's the ayat right now.

Megan Carlson 40:52
Um, so I have the condition in both eyes, the right eyes a little worse, and I've had a hemorrhage in that eye, I'm getting treatments so you can do combinations of getting I'm on something called Avastin. So you get like Avastin shots in your eyes. That was formerly a drug for cancer. And they found that it has this unintended side effect of helping with diabetic retinopathy. But it basically stops the there's kind of miscreant blood vessel growth when you have this condition. And then those blood vessels are very weak because they're new, and they can break and bleed. And that's what happened with me. So Avastin kind of stops your brain from signaling to make those new blood vessels. So that's one part of it. And there's different drugs that do the same thing. And then laser is the other thing. So I've had I kind of get ongoing Avastin shots. And then, and they're on different cadences, because one is a little worse than the other. And then I've had laser in both eyes, and we'll probably need laser again in the future. But ophthalmologists, I think, differ a little bit on what your treatment approaches. And I think now the thought is to make it more individualized, which is good. So that might not be anyone who's listening like that might not be your experience with your ophthalmologists. They might have a different treatment plan for you.

Scott Benner 42:20
Well, that's I, I'm imagining the scariest thing that's ever happened to pretty close.

Unknown Speaker 42:26
Yeah, yeah, I would think so.

Scott Benner 42:29
Now, I don't want to make you feel bad. But I do want to ask, does that having something like that that's now tangible? Does every time your blood sugar start creeping up? Do you think oh my god, I have to get it back down my eyes? Or are you able to live a little more free than that?

Megan Carlson 42:46
Uh, it's definitely like that. And I'm working on it. Because this is the second part is that I definitely have out of control anxiety now because this thing happened. And it's, it's getting better day by day, because this is all in the last year. So it's getting better. And I'm getting to the point where I don't freak out every time like an aberrant blood sugar happens, but I'm saying that I'm realizing that's not even true. That happens. It happens all the time. I'm starting to rise, I kind of get a little worried. And then, like, if it's low, I'm worried because I'm pretty symptomatic with lows. So yeah, the anxiety is really tough. And it's it's tough, because anxiety causes your body to release all these hormones that cause your blood sugar to go up. So it's like this awful feedback loop where like high blood sugar, anxiety, higher blood sugar, insulin resistance, higher blood sugar, and then it's just this like, really hellish cycle. And then you feel like you're doing something wrong like, like, Oh, my stupid and anxious brain is the one causing all these issues. So it can it can be really tough to manage, but I think that the AI stuff can exasperate exacerbates that feeling of anxiety for sure.

Scott Benner 44:00
I can imagine I only have one thing to share with you about this. And this is something that I heard recently, another person said to me, so the conversation was around alarm anxiety on their CTO. And the idea that, you know, she said, Every time the alarm rang, she's like, Oh, great, I mess something up. And you know, or what's wrong now? Or you'd like that kind of feeling that always felt like that. But she said that she listened to the podcast, and she pushed her alarm way down. So her high alarm was now like 120 or 130. So now when the alarm goes off, instead of thinking, oh, gosh, I messed up what bad thing happened? She gets the think, Oh, I'm about to do something positive. That's going to keep my blood sugar from ever getting high.

Unknown Speaker 44:41
Yeah, and

Scott Benner 44:42
she said that tiny little change took that. That feeling away that her CGM was an alarm to tell her that things weren't going well. Instead, it was an alarm to tell her how she could do something really simple, really easy, very quick. That was good. It all was good based and At a bad based,

Megan Carlson 45:01
totally. And that makes that makes sense to me. And I'm trying lots of little like tips and tricks. And that's actually a big one is that I just got on Dexcom in the summer and it is a life changer. I think that's the other unspoken thing in this, like how I've gotten my blood sugar's in control is definitely Dexcom. But there's a flip side to that is that it, it makes my anxiety goes through the roof. And a big thing is the alarms, I turned off all the alarms, so they couldn't deal with it. I have them on at night, but not during the day. Because it would just give me like a panic attack, basically. And the weird trigger for me, like oh, my God, such a trigger, is seeing the little up and down arrows. And then I will without thinking do start correcting it in whichever direction but not taking the time to think like, Hey, is this the right thing to do. So I'll just like jump into action. And so if it's like going low, maybe eating too much, or like I do this frequently, if I'm going high, like the kids call it rage bolusing like, and so just things that aren't like the smart, wise decision to do in that moment, where if you just took a breath, but those arrows man they get me but I think that's my goal in terms of anxiety is that I want to get to a point where I'm calm enough where I can see the arrows and not feel so many feelings and just kind of take it in, it's a number treat if you need to, and then kind of move on. But I'm a little far from there right now. But I'm hoping that someday that happens. And we pick

Scott Benner 46:24
into that for a second because it's interesting to me because I experienced what you're talking about in the beginning. But I'm not an anxious person by nature. So I was quite literally able to stop myself, like you've heard me on the podcast, say like, you can't be dramatic around diabetes, right? stops you from making good decisions. And you spend so much time just, you know, being dramatic that you can't like and I don't mean that dramatic to be insensitive. I just mean to be, you know, communicative of the idea of like, Oh my god, like or Pac or whatever. So, I was actually able to say to myself, at some point, you can't do that anymore. Scott, like you can't look at this and be upset, you can't see the arrows and be upset, you can't see the number and be upset. It's all about to be just data to make better decisions with and I made that leap past that. Because I used to be like my wife. I know I've said to her before, but I my wife said the you know, sh it would come out of my mouth a lot. Like I would like see something on the CGM and say that, and just be like, oh, and she's like, you know, you say that like 1000 times a day. And I'm like, I don't mean it. Like, I'm not upset. I'm just like, well, I can't believe it got to that. I didn't think that was gonna happen. But just stopping myself from reacting that way. was a big step in me not thinking about it like that. Yeah, so but but I also don't have the problem you have. And so I was wondering if you if you can if you can't, that's fine. I just think it would be interesting for people to hear. Can you talk about when the mechanism hits? What this like what it feels like in your brain? When you see when you see an arrow up? Like what happens? Is it do you do hear voices telling you things? Do you have thought like? I don't know what I'd love to know if you can put it into words.

Megan Carlson 48:07
Oh, sure. I sure can.

Also, it's funny that you mentioned the like saying curses when you look at the CGM, because that's the thing that my boyfriend has definitely told me that's happens a lot. Like where he's like, you don't even hear yourself doing it so much. But I relate to that. Yeah. So if I'm having a high blood sugar, and I think knowing your triggers, I think is important for any kind of anxiety thing. So like, like, the up arrow for me is like a trigger. The I would say also, like a blood sugar I didn't expect is very triggering to me. So, you know, all of a sudden, I both I had the same meal, I did the same steps and like and all of a sudden I'm 180 which usually don't even get that high, but I'm

Unknown Speaker 48:51
looking at you right now.

Megan Carlson 48:52
So I was like, oh, roll it back. But it's because I'm like so glued to my Dexcom that I'm like watching so it's like see it before 180. But the Yeah, so I'll like start I am very physically symptomatic with stress. So like, I will start feeling like my chest get really tight. And then I know, so there's this whole, like, I'm anxious about the blood sugar. And I think if you kind of unpack the thinking around it, it's like oh, man, high blood sugar means like, my, my eyes are gonna get messed up. I'm gonna go blind. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna get kidney stuff. That's kind of a like train of thought that goes, but I don't even think I I don't consciously think those things that's like, that's several steps beyond I'm at the point where I'm just reacting. And if I want a ton packet, I could get to all those things, but I don't even it's not as logical as just being like, well, you're gonna be fine. It's okay. Yeah, it's really this like body reaction. So I have so I see the number. My chest gets tight. And then there's this whole anxiety on top of the anxiety which is like it's very common with people with panic attacks. They start getting afraid of having a panic attack and not the initial stressor that was causing the panic attack. So it's so I'm anxious, I know I'm anxious, my chest is tight, my brain started to go 3000 miles an hour. And then I'm like, Well don't get anxious, your blood sugar's are gonna be bad, like, don't get anxious don't get anxious and funny thing, that kind of thought is not very relaxing.

Kind of how it goes.

So some days are better than others and I can just chill on the like I treated, it's going to come down. And then some days, you know, you're it had the physical reaction happens so fast, you just can't do much to stop it. You got to kind of write it out.

Scott Benner 50:41
It is absolutely fascinating to hear you explain that because it's not my reality. And it's as you're talking, the first thing that pops into my head is the wrong answer for everything you said. Like, look, you don't I mean, like you said, you know, having a clear thought like, This isn't how I should be thinking doesn't stop it. There's no, there's no common sense that common sense is you out of anxiety. Yeah, right. And and so you're learning coping mechanisms and therapy and things like that. Do they help? Or? Or do you just need to become a weed person? Like, what what what exactly is, and I'm not a drug advocate. But I'm as you're talking, I'm like, Megan needs to relax. And

Megan Carlson 51:27
so funny because I was thinking about that in bed last night, I was like, I probably just need to wait. And I was like, Don't bring that up on the podcast.

Scott Benner 51:34
I've never said that out loud before. I will tell you something now that people find completely, most people find difficult to believe. But I don't believe I'm 47. In my lifetime, I don't believe that I have had the equivalent of a case of beer. And I've never been high. And it just it just doesn't occur to me to do it's it's not a moral judgment. It just it really just doesn't work. Like it just it never occurs to me. It doesn't occur to me to drink. It doesn't occur to me to get out of my head. Like none of that happens. But I know people that helps. And my goodness, you seem like maybe you're one of them. Yeah. Because the other thought is you need like some sort of medication. And that's not a great way to live either. Right? All right. Have you tried that?

Megan Carlson 52:16
It's tricky. I've been considering it too. I worry about like blood sugar management with all that. And I would say another thing too, like, I self medicate with alcohol quite a bit. And that's hard for me to talk about, but it is what I did. So now that I don't do that very much. I don't really have I had a great tool for managing anxiety. Really, really good one. Yeah, yeah. And it worked. Because I could see numbers. And I'd be like, Okay, well, that's happening, and treat if I needed to, but I didn't feel this like terror. But now that I don't do that I'm kind of trying, I'm in this process right now, or I need to find something to replace it to manage anxiety. So I had, I've used that coping mechanism for a long time. And now I need to, you can't just like not have a coping mechanism, you need to find something I do. But I'm gonna

Scott Benner 53:07
cut you off for a second because I think that it is most people's inclination to address alcohol use or drug use there for people who are definitely in situations like you, which by the way, most people who are doing that are trying to mask something. And for those of you who don't feel that way, or don't have those triggers, or that anxiety to judge that is It's horrible. You don't I mean, like you You don't know what it is to have the experience that Megan just described, that cycle that doesn't just, it's not just an A and B cycle, a C jumps in, and like makes it spin faster, and then everything she can think of to stop it makes it worse. And you can't live like that, you know, and then you add the diabetes to it. You know, my God, like I would have been drinking with both hands, probably. And and you know, I mean, like, so anyone who would hear that and judge that. I would say that's a situation where you just don't you don't know. And yeah, it really brave of Megan to come on and talk about it. And so keep that in mind as we keep going, please because she's really trying to share here and she's doing a great job. So okay, so you tried the drinking path, which was never. Right. And you're beyond that, which is good for you. That's amazing. I, you know, I've indicated maybe a medication would help you but then we're talking about like, you know, like the Zoloft, Paxil, you know, Wellbutrin road which has its own speed bumps that you might not be interested in. And and at the same time, you can't keep flipping into this cycle over and over again, because now you have real concerns about your health. And it's your right Something has to you have to do something somewhere. And so what is it that's occurring to you to do like, what direction do you think you're going in?

Megan Carlson 55:02
I'm trying everything, which like might be counterintuitive. Also, I had to take a step back. But um, so therapy is a big thing. But therapy's kind of a slower process. A lot of people recommend meditation and I'm giving that the college try. And I think it's really important, but it's a it's a habit that's a little hard to cultivate, I think for a lot of people.

Scott Benner 55:25
Meditation is that the way you're going

Megan Carlson 55:28
mindfulness that I kind of try everything, and I'm open to everything. And that's definitely when it when it's going well, that is very helpful. Because the few times I've been able to, like see an arrow on the CGM and kind of be relaxed about it, it's been usually because I've been like meditating a little bit more and can kind of take a step back from my feelings, like, not identify so strongly with my feelings and kind of have a good detachment. So that's, that's helpful. I can't see right now, but I have my Essential Oil Diffuser going. So got a little bit of that stuff to help your body relax. Have you tried this? oil? I actually should give that another college try. Because so finally, you mentioned weed, I actually don't get high, most of the time that I tried it, it happens down again. So that's another tricky, it might not be my thing. But

Unknown Speaker 56:20
I'm screwed, even we won't work for you.

Megan Carlson 56:24
And people have suggestions. Let me know. I think the some of it too, is just coming becoming comfortable with my new normal with taking care of my eyes. And knowing that not every, there's so much out of your control. And I think that's what it comes down to. So like anxiety is because you think that you can do something that's going to make it better. And that's true for a lot of stuff with diabetes. But there's some stuff that's just going to be random. And a lot of this stuff with my health is it's random. So just kind of being comfortable that Yeah, there's going to be ups and downs, and much easier said

Scott Benner 56:57
than done

Megan Carlson 56:58
to be like relaxed about it. And I'm like feeling really good right now sitting in my in my living room. But yeah, when you're actually in a crisis is when you want to know, yes, ah, it hits the fan. No, I know, listen.

Scott Benner 57:10
So I have one thought for you after talking to you for 55 minutes. And maybe you'll find this useful. And maybe you'll be like, Scott, that's stupid. That's not gonna work. But you mentioned earlier in the podcast that when you were diagnosed, and when you were younger, how helpful it would have been, if you heard the the drawn out disc description, like you're going to do this thing. And then this is going to happen, and it's going to make you feel like this. And that if you had that information, that forward looking information, that you would have found it really valuable and comic. And so the leap we make when you say that is that it's going to go somewhere good. And because it's going to go somewhere good. You're okay with it when you hear it. And I'm wondering if you can't just break up the my blood sugar is going to go up? I'm going to feel like this. It's not valuable for me to feel like that. Because this is going to happen. Can you think it through before you get to it so that when it happens, it's expected? And would it being expected stop it from being reactive?

Megan Carlson 58:17
Yeah, and I think that's a big component is kind of knowing ahead, like, and this is like, I think common with people with control issues, which is very closely related to anxiety is kind of being prepared for for those kinds of things. And I think that's been helpful to me, because actually, even though I'm still very anxious, and I have a lot of trouble with it, but if you'd see me in last May like when like I had my eye hemorrhage, that was like panic attack a day. So I'm like, I'm

doing much better

than a lot of that is kind of being able to know, hey, you're just going to treat it and it's going to come up or sometimes it doesn't come down. Sometimes you have insulin resistance, and that's okay, you'll do more insulin, you'll watch it kind of knowing that ahead is is helpful.

Unknown Speaker 59:04
It's like I think the

Megan Carlson 59:06
what I'm working on now is there's sometimes there's surprises like and that's kind of what I referred to before is like triggers, like you got to kind of know your triggers. So maybe the next thing I work on is like being a little more prepared for these triggering episodes that are a little more of surprises.

Scott Benner 59:21
I want you to know that in my mind, and I'm not being productive. I imagine you like curly from The Three Stooges, just like hitting yourself and wiping your face and running in circles. And to me is what it must have been like a year ago. Just you're just like, whoo. And

Unknown Speaker 59:37
yeah,

Scott Benner 59:38
because that's what, that's what, in my mind, that's the that's the sound effect that pops into my mind when too many things happen at once. I'm just like, wow, everything just got really wonky out of nowhere and and there's no and you have to reorder everything. But I have the ability to just stop and step back and then assess and move forward. And you, your brain works in a way where those things start happening and you just pick the worst one and run at it on fire.

Megan Carlson 1:00:07
I happen so fast, right? That's the thing is like, rationally I know all these things, but it can just happen so fast that it Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:00:14
well, I first I want to tell you that you have my I don't know what you know what the right thing but my empathy for sure because it cannot be easy. And, and it sounds like a tortured way to live some days. And no one deserves that for certain. I don't know if anything you and I spoke about today would help help you. But I hope it did. I definitely think it helped other people which may be in that would help you that knowledge might make you feel better, because you're going to reach you know, honestly, countless thousands and thousands of people who are now going to hear your story and maybe avoid that being their story someday. And and that's really a great kindness that you did by coming on and sharing all this. Is there anything we didn't talk about that you wanted to get to?

Megan Carlson 1:01:06
I think I would just make a final thank you for saying all those things. I think I'd make a final plug for being an advocate for yourself in the doctor's office that if you need to slow things down. And you need to ask more questions do that, like, I wish I'd gotten help a lot earlier. I wish I hadn't just tried to do this alone. So I guess it's it's two pronged, like, make sure that you're with a doctor you like try to find someone as hard and ask questions as you need to. And don't let anyone shame you. And then also reach out for emotional support. Because I think that would that would have helped me earlier on to so we could do the things reach out.

Scott Benner 1:01:48
Yeah, well, you said something that I hope people heard which is there was a point where somebody important came into your life. And you said it was a boyfriend and then you've started trying to do better if I've heard over and over again on this podcast when loving someone else can lead people to taking better hair themselves. And so being loved and being in a relationship like that it doesn't have to be romantic. It could be it could be a friend or a family member or somebody who just clearly cares for you. And doesn't it doesn't have to be set. Right? Like that person doesn't need to walk up to you every day and go Megan, I love you. And I want you to be healthier, and I'm here for you. It doesn't have to be like that. Sometimes it's just the knowledge that you're there. And you know, like, I'll tell you the silliest little like parable about that. So my son is away at college. And he liked this video on Twitter. And it was a video about a major league pitcher who had been working really hard, and really just honing his craft but wasn't having the success that he felt like his skill and work should have led him to. And so he just kept doing the things he was supposed to do the work, you know. But one day he realized that he had to step back. So he he just went and found something else that wasn't baseball to busy his time with and to give him some balance and perspective. Excuse me. And my son retweeted that or liked it. And I thought, well, that must be important to him. Right? But just calling him up and being like, Hey, I saw you like that video. Are you looking for balance in your life, buddy? Like you don't mean like that would be stilted and weird and not the right way to go and would chase him away. So as crazy as it sounds, now I have to find the guy's name before I let you go the pitcher. But so a week or two later, this guy's pitching. He's a Cleveland Indians pitcher. I want to say his name is Kay Hill. And I'm going to figure it out right now. Hold on so I can tell you the rest of the story. This is exciting on a podcast when people do nothing better.

Megan Carlson 1:04:06
Well, you have the sound effect though the typing. Oh, yeah,

Scott Benner 1:04:08
it really it really grabs your attention. Is this not popping right up? Oh, come on internet. Don't let me down now. I just the internet loves me. It loves other people. I see. It'd be nice to other people all that does not love other people who doesn't? You don't think so homeless? Was it not? Now I'm getting angry. Now mad at the Internet. Hold on a second, because I googled the wrong thing. I'm Trevor Bauer. Where did I come up with K? All right, let's not go there. Okay, so Trevor Bauer is the pitcher. And if anybody wants to, I'll have to put the video into it. So people can see it because it's just this mindful little video of a guy who just has been working his butt off his whole life at something and put himself in the right physical, you know, mindset. You know, his mechanics were right, but it's just his mind wasn't really there. So that this goes up. And you know, my son likes it. And a couple of weeks later, this Trevor Bauer guy at the beginning of the baseball season is throwing a no hitter going into like the sixth inning. This is pretty amazing. And so I'm at while this is happening, I'm at Home Depot, because I needed a larger desk for my podcast, which by the way I have now and I did not get it and I did not get it home depot I found somewhere else. But I was at Home Depot. And this pops up on my phone, Trevor Bowers taking his no hitter into the sixth inning. And I was like, Oh, that's cool. So what did I do? I texted my son. Hey, Trevor Bauer's got a no hitter going if you want to watch, I didn't say I saw the video. And I saw your retweet. And I know this, I just set it. Like, you know, here it is. And a few minutes later, he's facetiming. Me and I'm walking around Home Depot facetiming with my son. And he starts telling me about the video. I don't know if you saw it, he says but you know, this guy, just you know, it's bah, bah, bah, and all that stuff. I never said yeah, that's why I told you about it. I just let it go. I didn't need I didn't need credit graded any credit for it. Like that wasn't the point of it. The point of it was to let him know, like, I've got his back. Do you don't mean even even in a way that he's not 100%? Sure. That's what I'm saying to him. We just had sameness all of a sudden, and he didn't know why. So a month later, I'm at his school. And we are having he just got done playing and I took him out to dinner afterwards. And we were sitting there. And he said something about balance. And I said, Yeah, I saw that you liked that, that tweet that tweet about the Trevor Bauer video. And then he launched into talking about it. And when we were all done, and I thought that we had gotten pretty much everything out of you know, that, that that I was going to get out of that, you know, parentally I said, actually, you know, if you remember, I when I told you that he was pitching a no hitter. I did that because I knew you like that tweet. And I just, you know, I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. You know, and, and that's what he got out of it. So you don't need to be right up someone's butt to tell you that they love that you love them right? Or that you've got their back or that they can feel comfortable around you. So as a really long way of saying there's a lot of ways to support people that aren't the ways you see on sitcoms, I guess.

Megan Carlson 1:07:37
Yeah, and actually, I think that's a really good way that you put it because I think at a certain time in my life, if people come up to me and said they wanted to help, I would have pushed them away. But I think like I think if it was my boyfriend now, so I'd agonized for a long time over getting a pump because it felt like I was constantly pressured and getting a pump. And I didn't want one. And now I have one. But something happened like two maybe a year. Yeah, I'm probably about a year ago, where he's like, Oh, you should just get the or he said something that was very accepting about getting the pump. It wasn't like, here's what you should do. He's not very involved in my diabetes like that. But he was like, Oh, yeah, it's like no big deal. And something about just the acceptance of that was like, Oh, it's no big deal. like wearing something on me all the time. My partner doesn't care. Like just little stuff. Like being there. Like that is so important.

Scott Benner 1:08:27
Yeah. No, it's just it. It's difficult to quantify, right? The idea that someone's there for you, or, you know, wouldn't care if they walked in and saw you in the shower with an insulin pump on it. Because I mean, we've heard from adults in the past who say there was somebody on recently who said, I didn't get an insulin pump for a long time, because I just didn't think it was sexy. So I didn't want to do it. And that was that she's like, I knew it was, you know, I knew it could have helped me and I was like, Well, I don't want I don't want men to see me that way. And that's, you know, what your girls don't know is you could be wearing 75 insulin pumps, we wouldn't care. Like, I mean, honestly, it wouldn't make any difference to us. I really mean that you could fall in a mud hole and stand up and I'd be like, yeah, I'm still good with it. It just really is. You don't understand how boys brains work, I guess. If you're worried about that, you're worried about the wrong thing.

Megan Carlson 1:09:22
But it is a worried like, cuz I think when I was younger, too, that was the thing like, Oh, this is gonna be it's gonna make me different. I'm not gonna be as cute. Yeah, that's silly stuff.

Scott Benner 1:09:31
Now I know. And it's, I mean, who would know? That's why I tell people all the time. I know that you don't want people to see your pump or your CGM. But honestly, for your long term health, and I don't mean your physical health, but for your long term mental health, just put it somewhere where people can see it and be done with it. Yeah, you know, and if somebody gives you, you know, a problem about it. I don't know what to say move. You know what I mean? Like, go to a more accepting part of the world, but don't let someone tell you That this is wrong. And then you take it off like it just you just got to keep going. I mean, listen, don't get me wrong if you're in a bullying situation or something like that, that's different. I'm talking about in general, you know, in general, you got to go be you. And whatever people think about it, they think about, I'll leave you with this thought wrapped around that. If you have a moment, I know you're Yeah. But they don't pay you. So what do you care? By the way, who would have thought that when you were going to work for a nonprofit, they meant you?

Unknown Speaker 1:10:28
Oh, yeah,

Scott Benner 1:10:29
you're not gonna make a profit is what they meant. But I was just on the phone with a person that I do business with yesterday. And they said that they said that they had heard from somebody that didn't like my podcast. And and they asked them why. And the person said, Well, you know, he just comes off, like, he knows everything. And everything he says is going to work for me. And, you know, in the end, what it turned out to be is that that person didn't really have a problem with what I was saying as much as a problem with how it made them feel. And it made them feel like they were failing. And I said, Well, I try really hard to present a possibility. And if you misread it in the beginning as me being like, boastful, I mean, there's not a ton I can do about that. I guess I i've scaled back personality enough, this thing still has to be interesting, or you're not going to listen to it. So I still, this still needs to be entertaining, right? And so that conversation led into the person saying, it was weird, because that person, like, got through it. And they do like the podcast now. It's like, interesting. But what's it like to hear that someone doesn't like you? And I was like, Oh, that's no problem. I've never had an issue with that. Even growing up. You know, when I was much younger, I met my wife. She said to me one day, that guy really doesn't like you. How does like does that bother you? And I was like, No, not at all. I said, to be perfectly honest, I don't think he's a great person. And I would wonder what it says about me if he did like me. And so my point is the three people who would bully you about wearing an insulin pump don't like you. It's good. They don't like you. Those are the people you don't want to agree with you. Yeah, right. You know, there's nothing about them. That should correlate to you, you're decent person. You don't want that guy. Like I mean, just I don't want to I don't know who to use as an example, right? But you don't want like the bad guy in the movie to be your best friend. Because why does he like you? What does that say about you? And and I and I just said to my wife, way back then when we were just dating. I was I told her that. I said, Look, everyone's not gonna like me, the best I can do is be myself. Some people like me, and that's got to be enough. Like, what am I trying to do? I can't make everyone happy. And I just think that that's important when you're when you're living with diabetes, like you just need to be you. And if some people don't like that, then too bad, then those are people you don't talk to.

Megan Carlson 1:12:58
Always now you know, and you can avoid them. You're not gonna waste your time with them. Yeah. Actually, I can leave us on a really positive note about this too, is that's

Scott Benner 1:13:05
gonna ask that because it got sad there in the middle.

Megan Carlson 1:13:11
Yeah, and it's, you know, that's the reality. And I don't think it's bad to talk about things. I'm on a positive note, I really kind of owned my diabetes. Now. Like, like I said, I'm going to the support group, and I'm going to these meetups, I'm talking to people on Instagram. And I'm like, I'm excited about my pump. Like, I've got an omni pod. And it's makes life so much easier. And I like kind of like showing it off. I feel like I showed off too much. I'm getting to be weird, but

it's a good thing.

Scott Benner 1:13:40
I don't think you're weird. And I think you need I think you should do whatever, whatever makes you happy. Let your let your diabetes flag fly. Seriously, just get out there. And Alright, so Megan luck. I want to wish you all the best. I would like it if you kept in touch. I would love to know how things are going for you. You know, especially with not just with your eyes, but with I think with the anxiety and everything because your agency is rocking. You're down. Would you say that when you sent this email? It was six, six.

Megan Carlson 1:14:08
Yeah, and I'm six, five now. That's really great. And I got through a sixth one, but it was actually probably not

Scott Benner 1:14:14
great for me. So six five is pretty good. That's not just pretty good. Really. Let's be honest. It's, it's amazing. And and you're talking about coming from Did you say a 13? At one point? Yep. Yeah. Okay. So let's just say you're doing great. And, and you really should just, I hope, I hope you can hear that. And, and just accept it as a well meaning well intended, honest compliment and not, not let your brain take you any further than that. When you hear it. You're doing great. I think that you just keep doing that and you're gonna be you're going to be great moving forward, you're not going to need you're not going to need all that. That other stuff that that that you know, kind of like I was holding it down before. I'd love to know how Don't i think i think it's possible that six months from now you tell me that you've really kind of broken free of a lot of this. And I think that'd be great.

Unknown Speaker 1:15:08
Thank you. I hope so. Oh, listen,

Scott Benner 1:15:11
I don't have anxiety. So it's easy for me to say, I can't even I can't even begin to imagine like, the number of times, let's just say goodbye. We'll stop recording but so goodbye, everybody. That's it, but I'm gonna keep talking to Megan for a second. The sixth season of the Juicebox Podcast has started off strong, powerful, even with two great guests, Jenny and now Megan, so much more to come in 2020. I really appreciate you listening. Don't forget to share the show with someone else. And thank you so much for supporting the sponsors. In this episode, they were Dexcom on the pod and dancing for diabetes. There are links at Juicebox podcast.com in the show notes of your podcast player. And of course, you can always type them out Miami pod.com forward slash juicebox dexcom.com forward slash juicebox dancing the number four diabetes.com. And starting later this month, I want to welcome Contour Next One Arden's blood glucose meter to the family of sponsors of the podcast. I look forward to telling you more about the Contour Next One in the coming days, weeks and months. But for now, let's just say this. It's little. It's pretty, it's easy. Works terrific. I've never had a meter matchup so closely with ardens g six, rd has been using the Contour Next One for it's gotta be a year now. And it's honestly been the absolutely best blood glucose meter experience that she's ever had. And now, I would like to give you a little something about Megan. So after I edited this episode, I found myself thinking maybe Megan should come back on one day. But I wish I knew how she was doing now because what you of course don't realize is that Megan's episode was recorded a long time ago. And so I reached out to Megan, I said, Is there anything I could put at the end of the episode to let people know how you're doing? She sent back a note. She said, Hi, Scott. That's awesome. Where am I now? Huh? Well, there haven't been any major changes. The anxiety for sure has gotten easier as time goes on. But it's still there. And something I work on daily on managing with my therapy, journaling and mindfulness. The biggest change and the best treatment for my anxiety has been getting a dog. We adopted our boy Nikita, in July, and I swear nothing chills you out like petting a giant fluffy wolf dog. And she gave me a picture. So I'm gonna put the picture of Juicebox podcast.com for you. Actually, I'll put it up on Instagram. So beautiful dog. Although weed is legal in Illinois, as of three days ago, so who knows what the future holds like it Megan thrown a little humor in there at the end. Oh, in my last day one C was 5.8. And I'm still loving my Omni pod. Anyway, use as much of this note or as little as you'd like. I can't wait to hear the episode, Megan. So that's it for today's show. Hey, if you're in Oklahoma, come see me this weekend. I will be speaking at the jdrf type one nation event on the 11th of January. Come one Come on. We're gonna be talking about being bold with insulin and a lot more at the jdrf in Oklahoma. If you come you may catch me try to sing from the musical Oklahoma. It's a strong possibility. I'm going to make that mistake.

You can always listen to the Juicebox Podcast here but the cool kids use: Apple Podcasts/iOS - Pandora - Spotify - Amazon Alexa - Google Play/Android - iHeart Radio -  Radio Public or their favorite podcast app.

View fullsize

---

The Juicebox Podcast is a free show, but if you'd like to support the podcast directly, you can make a gift here. Recent donations were used to pay for podcast hosting fees. Thank you to all who have sent 5, 10 and 20 dollars!

Donate