#1260 After Dark: Anonymous Return
Scott Benner
A returning guest shares her progress since episode 336, discussing her journey through depression, diabetes management, and raising children.
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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.
Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, welcome to episode 1260 of the Juicebox Podcast.
Today I'll be speaking with a returning guest. This anonymous female was initially on Episode 336, after dark depression and self harm, and today, we're going to get a follow up from her. Nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan. To save 30% off of your entire order at cozy earth.com All you have to do is use the offer code juice box at checkout. I just got a package from cozy earth this morning and I am super excited to put on my new shorts. Tickets for the 2025 Juice cruise are limited. I'm not just saying that they actually are limited. We have a certain window to sell them in. And then that's it juicebox podcast.com Scroll down to the juice cruise banner, click on it. Find a cabin that works for you and register right now. You are absolutely limited by time on this one. I'm so sorry to say that it sounds pushy, but it's the absolute truth. Juice Cruz 2025 I hope to see you there. We're gonna get a tan talk about diabetes and meet a ton of great people who are living with diabetes. It's kind of going to be like floating diabetes camp. But you won't have to sleep in a log cabin, you'll get a tan. And it's not just for adults or kids. It's for everybody. This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by ag one drink ag one.com/juice box. head there now to learn more about ag one. It's vegan friendly, gluten free, dairy free, non GMO, no sugar added no artificial sweeteners. And when you make your first order with my link, you're going to get a G one and a welcome kit that includes a shaker scoop and canister. You're also going to get five free travel packs in a year supply of vitamin D with that first order at drink a G one.com/juice box. The episode you're listening to is sponsored by us med us med.com/juice box or call 888-721-1514 You can get your diabetes testing supplies the same way we do from us med this show is sponsored today by the glucagon that my daughter carries G voc hypo Penn Find out more at G voc glucagon.com. Forward slash juicebox. Everyone I'm back with a returning guest who will be remaining anonymous as they were in their first episode, which was called it was episode 336. It was in one of the first after darks it's called depression and self harm. We had to call you something though. or Now do you just do want to make up a name? Do we make up a name last time?
Anonymous Female Speaker 2:53
We didn't make up the name. Alright, well
Scott Benner 2:55
then let's not make up let's stay consistent. Don't make up a name. So you were 24 Then, and I really suggest to people to go listen to the episode, you were one of the first people to be that incredibly honest with me that and it was really eye opening for me taught me a lot. But then afterwards, you and I maintained contact for quite some time. So yes. Can we start with that? Why did that happen? And was it valuable to you? Etc?
Anonymous Female Speaker 3:26
Yeah. So after I reached out to you, I was in a really, I feel just I guess lost spot. You and I kept having our conversations and you really wanted me to reach out to a therapist or just somebody, not you that could help me truly helped me and not just be like a sound support. I feel right. And so I started doing that. And and that was really helpful it you know, I have more than just like depression issues and self harm issues, since she was really able to help me dive deeper into, you know, what's the root of my issues, I guess. And then I thought I was doing really good being in a better place. And then COVID hip. And that wasn't Yeah. And then it pretty much took me back to square one because you know, the media tells you diabetics are high risk in and all of that stuff and it just scared me. Okay, so then I went into a major depression like I would shower 10 to 15 times a day, because it was something I could control.
Scott Benner 4:42
Wow. Let me ask you a question. Because if you asked me to recall that time, I would say that beyond last. I couldn't tell how much I didn't know what you were in control of for yourself. Like the important like the important thing is not like you know pretend control where you're pretending to control something but like, do you recall, for example, that I researched and called a mental health facility for you? See? No, you don't know you don't know that to you. Hmm. That that is exactly what I've always been wondering, because I don't know the word to describe your state at that point when we were talking. But I remember saying, like, hey, I really want you to get in touch with somebody. And then you sent me a lot of messages. Some of them were disjointed. And at some points, my wife would say, Oh, you're not ever going to be free of this puppy. And, and, and I was like, no, no, no, I'm like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna help her. And at one point, I ended up online, I found, because you couldn't I forget why you couldn't figure out where to go. But I actually called a place I spoke with him. I remember starting the conversation by saying this is gonna sound incredibly odd. But I host the podcast, and someone who was a guest on my show recently needs help. And they're not going to get it without somebody, like setting it up for them. And I set that first meeting up for you. While you don't remember that at all, huh? Oh, wow. He's nuts. Is that odd for you to hear? Yes. Yeah, no kidding.
Anonymous Female Speaker 6:15
I'm in such a different mindset now. And just my whole life is so different from four years ago.
Scott Benner 6:23
Wow. Yeah. So okay, I'm sorry. So we're, we're in the shower and COVID I don't know when you're eating because 15 times is a lot every day. And can you walk through the COVID time without it like being triggering to you?
Anonymous Female Speaker 6:37
Yeah, yeah. And I was, I was a senior at my university. And so I was student teaching kindergarten. And all of a sudden, because I remember talking to you about the struggles of some of my kindergarteners and how it was really affecting me. And I couldn't figure out how to deal with that. But all of a sudden when COVID hit I never saw any of them again. And that was pretty traumatizing. And then when I thankfully my now he's my ex husband, him and I had a beautiful property that we just hunkered down and stayed there for a while. I never went out i i started well besides cigars I started smoking pot a lot more just to kind of take myself out of my inner body I guess and you know, change my mental state. So I wasn't so focused on everything around me. I
Scott Benner 7:41
do recall like your those little kids problems were getting imprinted onto you. And you were kind of suffering with them and unable to help them and then you're saying then then having them taken away from you was bad because then you didn't know if they were okay was that the problem? If you take insulin or sulfonylureas you are at risk for your blood sugar going too low. You need a safety net when it matters most. Be ready with G voc hypo pen. My daughter carries G voc hypo pen everywhere she goes because it's a ready to use rescue pen for treating very low blood sugar and people with diabetes ages two and above that I trust. Low blood sugar emergencies can happen unexpectedly and they demand quick action. Luckily, G voc hypo pen can be administered in two simple steps even by yourself in certain situations. Show those around you where you store G vo Capo pen and how to use it. They need to know how to use G Bo Capo pen before an emergency situation happens. Learn more about why G vo Capo pen is in Ardens diabetes toolkit at G voc glucagon.com/juicebox. G voc shouldn't be used if you have a tumor in the gland on the top of your kidneys called a pheochromocytoma. Or if you have a tumor in your pancreas called an insulinoma. Visit G voc glucagon.com/risk For safety information.
Anonymous Female Speaker 9:12
Yeah, and I still have never even seen feet like pictures faces. Nothing ever again in four years.
Scott Benner 9:21
They're okay trust me. They're in like third grade. Now they're balling out of control. No kidding. Living their best life. They're fine. So along the way, I didn't know that about the COVID thing. But I do remember you reaching out and saying like I'm getting married. And I remember thinking oh, I don't know if that's a good idea or not. But and it was only and it was only based on like what you had shared, obviously, all of this what based on what you shared in the podcast and you know, sometimes back and forth in writing, but I felt like and I guess you can tell I'm in hindsight. Now, my remembrance is that I don't, I don't feel like you're you had a very sexual relationship with him when you were just dating. Is that correct? That's, that's correct. Okay. And then how do you get past that and move to getting married?
Anonymous Female Speaker 10:16
Well, cuz we had been together, basically all through high school all through college. And I think it just made sense for both of us. And I, he was a year behind me at the university. And we get married in the summer. And I had graduated at that point, I found a job teaching while he was still getting his teaching license in school. And unfortunately, the job was, like, three hours away. Thankfully, I had family down by my teaching job, because I just kind of moved in with them. My husband and my ex husband, and I thought everything was going to be fine until he pretty much didn't want to be in my life. He I would I was the only one making a point to try in our relationship. Okay. And so I just was like, I'm not going to be in this, if I'm the only because he pretty much told me. I'm done trying.
Scott Benner 11:23
And in fairness to him, were you blocking his advances when he was trying? No, no, you are open to it at that point. Yeah, I gotcha. Okay.
Anonymous Female Speaker 11:33
And then we ended up getting a divorce. And I, my current husband, Tim, and I knew each other from school, he's a little older than me. And we just kind of reconnected after that. And now we have two kids, and he has a stuck, son. So it's been, it's been so much better just, I think finding a person that I connect with, but also knowing that my mental headspace is in a better place. But it has been rocky with postpartum and those type of things with both of my pregnancies.
Scott Benner 12:16
No, I want to know about that. But first, your first is with your ex. And the second is with your current. Is that right? No, they're both with my current. Oh, okay. Oh, this so his steps on is not with you. It's with somebody else I understand. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Because that was, like, just hearing you now say that you were divorced. I thought that doesn't make sense. She has those kids. This has been such a short amount of time. I was like, How could that be? But now Now I got I'm completely like, square on what's going on? Before you had children? How much time was there between divorcing your ex and marrying your current husband? Like how how much time was in there?
Anonymous Female Speaker 12:56
My first child was more of a surprise. He was very fresh, almost divorced. And then my husband and I didn't get married until last August. And my husband, my son will be two in a couple of days.
Scott Benner 13:15
Okay, so maybe you had a baby together for a year and a half or so before you got married? Yeah, I gotcha. All right. Well,
Anonymous Female Speaker 13:22
then, and then our second. Our daughter was born this last summer in July just
Scott Benner 13:28
recently. Oh, congratulations. Very nice. It's lovely. You stop. Trust me stop there. One of each is perfect. You don't really need to do more.
Anonymous Female Speaker 13:35
Oh, i i There's no chance I can now. Why is that? Well, I'll back up with my boy. When I was pregnant with him. I ended up getting Bell's Palsy and occipital neuralgia. Did it go away? Yes. Eventually the Bell's palsy I got in September, had my baby boy in October, and it didn't go away until January. Oh,
Scott Benner 14:00
wow. That's a long time for something like that. Did he tell you why it happened?
Anonymous Female Speaker 14:05
No. I have no idea. I woke up the morning of my baby shower. And my mother being a very honest person going What's wrong with your face? I don't know mom. I'm just here. So then the next day I went to the hospital and
Scott Benner 14:22
Bell's Palsy. Were you preeclampsia by any chance?
Anonymous Female Speaker 14:26
So with with my son No, with my daughter this last pregnancy? Yes.
Scott Benner 14:33
I asked because I looked online and it says that Bell's Palsy is very uncommon during pregnancy, but if it occurs, it may be the primary sign of preeclampsia.
Anonymous Female Speaker 14:43
Yeah, so I was never diagnosed with preeclampsia with my son, but with my daughter this summer, I had preeclampsia with her and ended up getting trying to be induced at 37 weeks. She didn't take the Pitocin. And so I ended up having her via C section. And 37 weeks she was over nine pounds.
Scott Benner 15:10
Oh my gosh, how was your blood sugar's during the pregnancy? The
Anonymous Female Speaker 15:13
best in the I've been diabetic 16 years now. I had the best a onesies during that my two pregnancies. Okay, excellent. For my son my highest a one C was 6.6 in my third trimester. And that's when a lot of the insulin resistance happens. Yeah. And then with my daughter during my third trimester, the highest was 6.4.
Unknown Speaker 15:40
Okay.
Anonymous Female Speaker 15:43
Yeah, and then postpartum because my daughter ended up staying in the NICU for over a month. Sure blood sugar's weren't even registering on the machine or equipment, whatever, when she was born. And so she went straight to the NICU and I didn't see her for about five hours.
Scott Benner 16:02
She was born with low, like a low blood sugar. Yeah,
Anonymous Female Speaker 16:06
the my heart sugar wasn't even registering on the
Scott Benner 16:11
like when they took it. Oh, wow. Did they ever tell you what they thought that was?
Anonymous Female Speaker 16:15
They just kept referring to her as like IDM. Like, oh, this is really common with an IDM. And they're like, you know, an infant of a diabetic mother. And I was like, Well, none of this happened with my first so it's I guess it's not that common. It's all new to me.
Scott Benner 16:33
And scary. And thank you. Yeah. And
Anonymous Female Speaker 16:34
so while she and my husband went to the NICU, I opted for to get my tubes tied.
Scott Benner 16:42
Oh, I see. Gotcha. You're like we're done. That's good. Yeah.
Anonymous Female Speaker 16:45
Because I had a very difficult time with just my body with both pregnancies.
Scott Benner 16:52
How so? What What were some of the issues you had?
Anonymous Female Speaker 16:56
Just with like the Bell's Palsy and the occipital neuralgia. The local hospital is not the best hospital and so I ended up with my son getting delivering him three hours away. And then with my daughter, three hours a different way, in actually a different state.
Scott Benner 17:17
I looked up the occipital neuralgia because I didn't know condition in which the occipital nerves the nerves that run through the scalp are injured or inflamed, causing headaches that feel like severe piercing throbbing or shock like pain in the upper neck, back of head and behind the ears. That's what you had. Yeah, yeah, I don't want that either.
Anonymous Female Speaker 17:39
And I couldn't when I would go lay down at night. I couldn't sleep for longer than 10 minutes. Without that pain shooting up the back of my head and like dispersing throughout my whole head.
Scott Benner 17:55
Oh my gosh. Okay, I want to go backwards a little bit. So we're in COVID you're having a bad reaction and COVID Are you taking any kind of medication for them? And can you tell people what if any diagnosis you got through your mental health care since you've been on the show, you've probably heard me talk about us Med and how simple it is to reorder with us met using their email system but did you know that if you don't see the email and you're set up for this you have to settle up they don't just randomly call you but I'm set up to be called if I don't respond to the email because I don't trust myself. 100% So one time I didn't respond to the email, and the phone rings the house. That's like ring you know how it works. And I picked it up I was like Hello. And it was just the recording was like us med doesn't actually sound like that. But you know what I'm saying? It said hey, you're I don't remember exactly what it says. But it's basically like hey, your orders ready you want us to send it. Push this button if you want us to send it or if you'd like to wait I think let you put it off like a couple of weeks or push this button for that. That's pretty much it. I pushed the button to send it and a few days later, box right at my door. That's it us med.com/juice box or call 888-721-1514 Get your free benefits check now and get started with us med techs calm Omni pod tandem freestyle, they've got all your favorites, even that new eyelet pump. Check them out now at us med.com/juice box or by calling 888-721-1514 There are links in the show notes of your podcast player and links at juicebox podcast.com. To us Med and to all the sponsors. Ag one fits perfectly into my morning routine. I get out of bed, head downstairs, say hi to the dog let him outside while Basil is running around. I mix up my ag one drink it down, rinse out my container. And by the time he's done doing his business, ag one has me ready to do mine. Ag one posts online about their studies and here's some interesting stuff that they've learned at the 30 day A mark with a G one 80% of people in a research study noticed less gas and bloating at 60 days. 91% of people in that research study noticed that they needed less coffee. And it 90 days after just three months with ag 190 7% of people in a research study felt digestion has improved. If there's one product I trust to support my whole body health, it's ag one and that's why I've partnered with them for so long. It's easy and satisfying. To start your journey with ag one, just try ag one with my link. And you'll get a free one year supply of vitamin D 3k. two and five free ag one travel packs with your first purchase at drink ag one.com/juice box. That's drink ag one.com/juice box, check it out. Well,
Anonymous Female Speaker 20:47
I continue to take Prozac. They put me on that. And I feel like I've done really good on it. As I well in high school, I got Seasonal Depression was my tie, I guess the title of what I got my diagnosis. And of course living where I was in college. Seasonal Depression is very common, just because it's it does not in the winter. It does you never see the sun. You could not you don't, it just rains all day long, every day. And I even tried getting one of those like special lights that you put on, right, that just gives you the vitamin D or whatever. Just trying different combinations. I would say my drinking, and my pot smoking went up a lot. And so I think at that point, I was still needing some type of support. Where I didn't really have it from my ex husband. So I found it in drinking and smoking. Yeah.
Scott Benner 21:59
And that support really from from the alcohol and the weed that's just trying to get out of your own head. Right. Yeah, yeah. Because when that when you weren't doing those things, how are you feeling?
Anonymous Female Speaker 22:12
If I wasn't doing a project or like if I didn't have my mind, busy with something, I was sleeping. So I literally didn't have time to myself, I guess in my own head.
Scott Benner 22:25
Okay. Okay. Yeah. So just constant thinking, worrying. obsessing on stuff, that kind of thing. Yeah.
Anonymous Female Speaker 22:33
And then, when I started teaching, by then I had my own classroom and stuff. My family also has a ranch. And so on the weekends, I would just go help my family on the ranch. Just to get you know, get so tired that I would go home, take a shower and be out by seven o'clock at night.
Scott Benner 22:59
Just the day just ruined you almost just took everything out. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Jason. So is your is your regimen pretty much the same? And then what do you do when you're pregnant? You came to you can't take Prozac when you're pregnant, can you?
Anonymous Female Speaker 23:14
Well, I was I did. You did? Oh, no, let me let me change that. I was supposed to the only thing I ended up just taking because with both pregnancies, I was extremely nauseous. The morning sickness was not very kind to me. So I stopped taking all medication for everything but like my Omni pod, and my Dexcom. Like those were just easy. But I also take thyroid, I take levothyroxine. And, and my Prozac and I and at the time prenatal? I couldn't take any of that.
Scott Benner 23:50
They just all made you feel nauseous. Yeah,
Anonymous Female Speaker 23:53
more than the baby.
Scott Benner 23:56
Did the thyroid not having the thyroid medication. Does that get things out of whack for you? Yeah, it did. Yeah. Right. You can't be without that law. And that stuff has a very short shelf life and your body like it doesn't last long if you're not taking it. So
Anonymous Female Speaker 24:13
yeah. And then with my second pregnancy, I ended up having to like almost triple my thyroid medication. But and I was also seeing a doctor like literally every other week, whether it was here or my endocrinologist three hours away.
Scott Benner 24:31
And you were able to tolerate it with a second pregnancy just not the first. Yeah, the medication. Oh, that's interesting, too. Yeah, bodies are weird. That's uh, did that noise just stay with you for nine months or did it leave at some point?
Anonymous Female Speaker 24:48
Nausea. It left. Eventually, like by the halfway through my second trimester it was gone. But then it was kind of when not enough. sort of the preeclampsia started, I found out about a month before I had her. I was at a maternal fetal medicine appointment. And they had done bloodwork and the doctor came in and goes, What is your blood sugar right now? And I mean, it was under 130. And he goes, I don't think you're in DKA. But your blood work is showing me that you're in DKA. And I was like, my last day when see was 6.2. My blood sugar rarely gets above 150 Right now, and I ended up getting hospitalized for the night. Because after running more tests, they realized that I, I was eating so little, just because I wasn't hungry. I was eating so little that the food that I was eating was going straight to the baby and leaving my body in like a ketosis state.
Scott Benner 26:02
Yeah, I was gonna say you're in ketosis, which can be confusing when they look at at some basic testing. Oh, okay. So you weren't in. You didn't have ketones from high blood sugars. You have ketones from like, starvation, almost?
Anonymous Female Speaker 26:15
Yeah, yeah. Because I never. Because with my first child, my starting base weight was 160. And well, and I'll tell you, I kind of skipped this in between my son and my daughter, we experienced a miscarriage. And that really played a toll on my depression. Just because it was, you know, very early. We just never, there was never a heartbeat. But of course, that, you know, plays a big toll because I my body missed it. Like I never exceed, like, naturally had the miscarriage. I had to go get a DNC.
Scott Benner 26:59
Oh, geez. Yeah, that's a lot. Yeah. And so how soon after your son's birth was that? Well, it
Anonymous Female Speaker 27:07
was June of last year. So 22.
Scott Benner 27:13
Okay, Jesus, what is it look like when you're depressed now? So like day to day, how would you describe your, like the lightness or lack of lightness in your mind,
Anonymous Female Speaker 27:25
I would say, it's gotten better in the sense of, since my daughter was born, she spent 33 days in the NICU. And I was there the whole time. With my job, I was, well, I was on maternity leave. But with my job I was able to work from remotely. So my husband had to come back home. And thankfully, we live in a small enough area that my in laws and my my parents helped with my son and my step son, and just trying to make sure somebody could stay with my daughter, or our daughter, those over a month. And so being three hours away from home, being alone, being in a very depressing place. I mean, I was very thankful that my daughter was a chunk. And I could she was at the point that I could hold her, like in her crib. They have different stages of cribs, and I was she was at a point that I could hold her. She wasn't fragile, like some of her neighbors and, you know, in boxes, but it played a toll on me. And it got to the point that I would get there go later. And later in the day, all I wanted to do was sleep, because I thought this is such a depressing place. And then I would hold her for six or seven hours solid, put her down. Because I knew she was getting taken care of I knew they were feeding her. She was the biggest baby in the NICU. So people loved holding her. And I would just go to the bar and drink.
Scott Benner 29:08
Oh my gosh, how long was she there for 33 days? You drink while you were pregnant? No, no. And how did you stop yourself from smoking weed and drinking while you were pregnant?
Anonymous Female Speaker 29:20
The drinking was easy, because I didn't want to do anything. In the beginning of my pregnancy, when I was nauseous, I would smoke just enough to like curb the nausea feeling. So it wasn't like I was smoking blunt after blunt or you know, those types of things. It was literally maybe one or two hits and it curbed it. So then I could go take a shower or go do something and not feel like crap. Yeah,
Scott Benner 29:54
I understand. So but as soon as she's there, you the alcohol kind of holds you back. likely,
Anonymous Female Speaker 30:00
yes. Well, and especially because we live in a row marijuana state, that where it's legal, and we had her in a state that it wasn't legal. Do you
Scott Benner 30:12
think if you were at a hospital where it was legal, you would have smoked instead of drank? Yo, yes. Yeah. You're just going for what was available? Yes.
Anonymous Female Speaker 30:21
And I realized, like I realized very quickly, I remember why I slowed down on the drinking is I hate the feeling that gives me but it didn't stop me I would go every night. Because it took me a long time to get out of the hospital once I had her because my preeclampsia stayed for like two more weeks. And I ended up having to get a magnesium drip line. And it was just a very traumatizing for
Scott Benner 30:54
me, where's your husband and your son while you're at the bar?
Anonymous Female Speaker 30:58
They were back home because my husband continued to work.
Scott Benner 31:03
Oh, so you were you were by yourself at this hospital?
Anonymous Female Speaker 31:08
Yeah, I was by like, I stayed at the Ronald McDonald House, by myself, would walk over to the hospital and be with our daughter, by myself. And my husband would come over like on his weekends.
Scott Benner 31:24
When you're in a bar in the evening, in that scenario, Does your husband know that? Yeah, yeah. And what is were you managing with alcohol? Have you been managing with alcohol all the way through just not during your pregnancies?
Anonymous Female Speaker 31:37
I really, my husband's family doesn't really drink. And so like, my mother in law might have like an occasional cocktail, like if we go out for something special, otherwise, they don't drink. And so I just like, I'm not going to buy. At this point in my life, I'm not going to buy a 12 pack of something, and be the only one to drink. So
Scott Benner 32:02
you weren't drinking much at all, for those couple of years there. But once you were, what would you tell me was driving you to go to the bar after the baby? Like was it anxiety or depression? Or what did you What do you have going on as soon as she was born?
Anonymous Female Speaker 32:20
I feel a lot of it was like, what you said anxiety and depression trying to figure out, like, just how to escape my mind, because they couldn't give us a timeframe. You know, it's all up to her when, because she her blood sugar's she had so much fluid in her lungs, and she came out like purple. And so she just instantly got a feeding to put in her nose, and a CPAP machine. And she was on those for at least four or five days. And then nobody could, you know, she was struggling eating in general. And that's what kept her in there. Because she couldn't figure out how to take milk from a bottle. Why? Because with both of my pregnancies, I wasn't able to produce milk.
Scott Benner 33:11
So you knew you knew you weren't gonna breastfeed immediately when she was born? Yeah.
Anonymous Female Speaker 33:15
And so that was also one thing I knew I could go and have a couple drinks and not affect her.
Scott Benner 33:25
Well, that's a lot. I saw her being sick. Was that a driver for you? Was that upsetting for you? Was it just that you were by yourself? Or that you were far from home? Do you think it was all those things together?
Anonymous Female Speaker 33:36
Oh, definitely a combination. Because then I was trying to figure out, you know, my, I was talking to maternal fetal medicine once a week because they wanted to do like checkups on my blood pressure and my C section incision. So they always said, you know, postpartum depression can be very real when, especially with when your babies in the NICU. So please don't, don't feel like you're a burden to reach out to us, because we will find somebody for you to talk to. I never reached out. But I, my husband was, you know, him. And I talked a lot and every time the doctors made their rounds, I'd call him and give him the updates and, and all of those things. And so I think as the weeks went on, that it, you know, she wasn't leaving there. That's when you could just I could just feel the shadow or the darkness. Just continue to, like spread inside me. And because there were days like at the beginning, I would go see her at 7am and by the end of it I was seeing or oh one two in the afternoon. I'd stay until four I arrive, and then I'd go to the bar
Scott Benner 35:02
when you get home. Does all that just stop?
Anonymous Female Speaker 35:07
Or do you continue? Like when we like when we finally came back home with her out of the hospital? Yeah,
Scott Benner 35:14
yeah. Are you drinking again? Are you like, well, I drink now again? Or is it just go away?
Anonymous Female Speaker 35:19
I might have an occasional like hard cider. But I only limit myself to one. And it has to be after six o'clock. But I smoke a lot more weed
Scott Benner 35:34
to try to maintain it. What's your diagnosis? Again? Can you remind me? For what for?
Anonymous Female Speaker 35:39
Why you taking the Prozac? Anxiety and depression? Okay,
Scott Benner 35:43
there's no talk of like bipolar or personalities? Not just okay. If you didn't smoke, we see you smoke weed daily. Is that right? Yes, yeah. If you didn't, what
Anonymous Female Speaker 35:56
would happen? I don't I try not, I don't do it. When I'm alone with our kids, because it gives me paranoia. Okay, because I'm scared that I'm gonna fall asleep or something. And so usually I just do it at night to go to bed. Because that's the hardest time for me is at night, going
Scott Benner 36:19
to sleep is hard. Yeah, your mind races can't stop thinking about things, that kind of stuff.
Anonymous Female Speaker 36:24
Yes, because I feel like I have, like, with my job and my, my master's program and our children and just, I feel like I'm going nonstop. And that's really the only thing that kind of just resets me, and I'm able to fall asleep within minutes,
Scott Benner 36:41
I see. But the rest of the day, you do well with the kids,
Anonymous Female Speaker 36:44
if they're not driving me crazy, because my son is in the terrible twos. So
Scott Benner 36:51
just running around screaming and throwing things. Pretty
Anonymous Female Speaker 36:55
much. And so a lot of the time, like, when they're both sleeping, like I'll take it that my shower about like midday, to try to recenter myself, because that's always worked for me, like during COVID. And when I was younger, so that helps me a lot through like the rest of the day. And
Scott Benner 37:15
none of this is hidden, like your husband knows all about all of this. Yep. Is he involved in helping you at all? Are there things that you need from him,
Anonymous Female Speaker 37:23
him and I every evening, like before I actively try to go to bed. And then I sit and talk like, after we put our kids to bed, we talk just about our day and and when I'm struggling, I don't wait to text or like if he's at work, I don't wait to tell him about how I'm doing that night. Usually, I will text him or call him if I am like really struggling. And he is able to just help me. You know, you're a great mom, just affirmations that I know, I try really hard to be a great mom. And so I there are times that I might smoke just a little bit just to have the edge off. And then I can really focus on being present with my children, because, you know, they from zero to two is so developmentally important. Yeah, they need a lot, that's for sure. And so just by taking that edge off, I sit with my like, I'll hold my little girl and play with my two year old and, and we go on walks, and it's just I don't have the mental load on anymore. And which is very comforting. And and I think my children are benefiting, you know, from me not having to deal with everything going on in my head. Right?
Scott Benner 39:04
Do you have any issues, any intimacy issues with your husband, like you did with your, the previous person?
Anonymous Female Speaker 39:11
No, it's completely like, different 180 Okay.
Scott Benner 39:16
And you don't have any intimacy issues with the kids. It doesn't sound like so it sounds like you're, you're close with them and loving with them and all that stuff. But it's just it's one of the things that stuck out from the conversation last time with me. It's interesting. So my next question is, Are you actively cutting yourself? No. Oh, good.
Anonymous Female Speaker 39:38
But the but the thought is always there. Okay. I haven't taught myself since. Well, the beginning of COVID. That's a long time but yeah, but I would say I probably think about that doing it like the act of When it Oh, at least once a month, okay, but I never go, i never go through with it. But I'm like that I know that something I can control. I control how deep it goes, I control how many times I do it. And to me that was like one of the biggest satisfactions
Scott Benner 40:22
of the of actually the process of doing it. Yeah, all the control that was involved. Yeah, yeah, no, I remember you trust me. I remember you explaining it to me. My conversation with you last time is it helped shape a lot of things that I didn't understand previously. Yeah. And I just you, you would, you would expose me to so many ideas that I didn't know about. And you were just so clear, and, like honest about them, that he taught me a lot. But I'm, I'm thrilled for you. That's really exciting.
Anonymous Female Speaker 40:54
Yeah, I feel I mean, in such a better place overall, right now. Your
Scott Benner 41:01
speech patterns even different? Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's really something it was. I remember talking to you and thinking that at the at the end of every one of your sentences, it almost felt like, there was a voice that wanted to go, Oh, my God, everything's terrible. What was me Help me please? Like, like, every at the end of everything you said it felt like that was gonna keep coming. And you don't sound like that now. It's really, really interesting to talk to you again. It'll
Anonymous Female Speaker 41:29
be interesting to hear my first episode, because I have because I remember, one of the things I remember you telling me was, don't listen to your episode. Don't do it. Right. Did you ever and I listened to it, like, probably a month after it came out. And I listened. Probably not the best, like situation. But I was alone in like, my bedroom. And it was completely pitch black. And I just sat there with my eyes closed.
Scott Benner 42:01
What was your takeaway while you were listening?
Anonymous Female Speaker 42:05
Well, part of me thought, and I've haven't listened to it reasonably sure. Because I probably think differently. But I remember thinking, like just the honesty, and not on my own, almost not thinking it was me. Because of I don't know, just because I, when I remember listened to it, I was like, that doesn't sound like me, that that could be anybody. But it's not me. And then as it kept going, I was like, Oh, my gosh, this is my story. This is this is what's happening, and what has happened to me. And so I, I probably listened to it three times of like, one after another. And I've listened to it over again.
Scott Benner 42:51
I well, I
Anonymous Female Speaker 42:52
can tell you this, but then I would like
Scott Benner 42:56
go ahead. No, I was just gonna tell you that, you know, I've recorded well over 1000 interviews, you're the only person I've stayed in contact with afterwards. Really. I mean, there's just there would literally be no way to do it. I get done talking to some people, I think I can be friends with these people, you know, but I can't, I can't add a new person in my life every day. You don't I mean, but for me, like, from my perspective, what I thought was, you're not going to be okay, if somebody doesn't help, because there was no help coming from your extended family. You had a very strange relationship with your boyfriend at that point. In my estimation, I didn't see how he was going to be helpful. He was too young, you were young. And I thought, I actually thought If I don't help her, this isn't going to end well. And I'm gonna feel like I was responsible. And I don't I don't want that for me. And I don't want that for you. So why not? Like, let's just keep talking and see what, see what happens. I'm very excited for you, honestly, like, I don't know if I sound like that. But it would have been easy to record with you and think, Oh, that girl is not going to make it. You know, and just and just be done. Like when you told me you were pregnant the first time I thought that's absolutely out of this world. Like I couldn't imagine that happening. Like I don't even mean just in no way shape or form that you were like, having a baby and thoughtful about it in your email, like your note changed, like the tones of your note changed and just seem so much more together for the lack of a better word. I was like, Well, I think she's doing it. You know, that's pretty cool. Because it would have again, if I had to bet after I talked to you, like if he took my hard earned money and said, How's this gonna go? I'd be like, I don't think it was gonna go well. Why haven't you given up? Like given it?
Anonymous Female Speaker 44:45
Well, I think once before the pregnancy, I'm not sure. But once I was pregnant with her son, that's when I completely like that's probably when I started caring In about my diabetes the most in my life, because I did want to be obese in my, in the future suffers. And so I just had that in my mind the whole time and, and thinking, you know, it's not about me anymore, so I have to keep it together for this innocent human thought, you know, they never asked to be in the world. Yeah. And then every day since, because with him, I had him naturally, probably not the best decision. But with her, I had her C section. And my two recoveries have been so different. I think if just with everything, if I would have had the same stuff happened with my first pregnancy, I don't think I would have made it just because I really experienced postpartum depression. With my first child.
Scott Benner 46:03
You did not know, okay.
Anonymous Female Speaker 46:07
With her, I feel like it's not this huge, dark cloud over me every single day. But there's, there's a cloud. And sometimes it's, it's hard. And I started going back to work. And so I'm working from home a little bit. And just really just trying to take in having children and trying to be like the best mom I can be. And that's I feel like kind of my new goal. When I started having children, like everybody wants to be the best parent. But it just gave me a sense of purpose that I feel like, four, five years ago, I had never dreamed of having. So there was no goal with that.
Scott Benner 46:54
It's easier to take care of yourself knowing that if you don't, you won't be able to help them. Yeah. And with the diabetes, especially if I'm remembering right, you are not exactly on top of things when I talked to you the first time. So yeah, it was one of the it was a I remember your diabetes being an afterthought. Is that about Correct? Like you give yourself insulin if you had to like that kind of stuff? Like when, like your blood sugar's got high. Was that the vibe before?
Anonymous Female Speaker 47:22
Yeah. Or, like, when I was younger, in high school, I would just like stick it empty Omnipod on me. So it would suffice my mom. Yeah, but because I could I didn't care.
Scott Benner 47:35
Yeah, well, the depression and the mixed with, I mean, with the pressure from the diabetes, and you weren't, you weren't even trying to stay alive. Really? Right. Like, there was no feeling of like, it's imperative that I go on. You were you were that depressed. Yeah. And that was for a long time in your life. Oh, my God. I'm right about that. Right from How old do you think you were when you started feeling depressed? Probably
Anonymous Female Speaker 48:02
a sophomore in high school. So at least well, that was over 10 years ago. Because I'm, I'm 28. Now.
Scott Benner 48:11
Wow, that's even weird. I'm getting older. You guys are just you're aging nicely, and I'm getting old. How old? Were you were diagnosed? Remind me 1212. Okay. 16 years ago? Yeah. And then five, six years later, in that range, you start feeling depressed and your mom has depression? No,
Anonymous Female Speaker 48:32
but she doesn't like acknowledge mental health or mental illnesses, like a normal like she, her thought process was, you have a good home. There's no reason for you to be depressed. Like, she didn't understand, you know, the underlying issues. And I think I remember telling you that I tried to go to therapy in high school. And the therapists that I saw, he ended up committing suicide.
Scott Benner 49:04
I do remember that. Yeah. That's a tough one. Yeah, that's yes. And so
Anonymous Female Speaker 49:09
it that really traumatized me as well. And so I still have, like, I feel really good opening up with my husband, even though he is no way licensed in any way. But it's just somebody that literally whenever I need to talk, he is there for me.
Scott Benner 49:29
Speaking with him is helpful to you. Yes, yeah. So you're not seeing anybody to talk to anybody right now.
Anonymous Female Speaker 49:35
No, I'm not. How long did you? Oh, probably four or five months of like, sometimes it was two or three times a week. And sometimes it was once a week or every other week.
Scott Benner 49:52
And you found it valuable overall.
Anonymous Female Speaker 49:54
Yeah, I there was a lot of things that I just let go I have in my life because I thought, you know, that is so much like, No wonder I'm constantly stressed and constantly having headaches it like all of these little backpack things off of my depression. And so I finally, like toxic people in my life, no longer talk to like, I could just instantly cut those ties. It helped me. And so I, I wouldn't say live like a very minimal life, but not a lot of things like get under my skin anymore. And that has helped tremendously well. So
Scott Benner 50:39
generally used to be you live with that, like kind of like drifting cloud that sometimes it's heavier, and sometimes it's lighter, but it's always pretty much there one way or the other. Yes, yeah. I mean, just the anxiety of raising children and the pressure of that, that doesn't bother you. You're you do okay with that?
Anonymous Female Speaker 50:56
Yeah, I will. We take I take a very, like natural consequences approach if my son is going to run. And like, eventually he's going to fall. He looks at me and I do not react. He doesn't react, he gets up and just keeps running. That kind of stuff that I'm like, if I don't react or have a big emotion, it'll be better for him. Because he doesn't need me to react like that.
Scott Benner 51:26
And by taking that tactic that helps you not to feel stressed. Yes. Interesting.
Anonymous Female Speaker 51:33
Oh, that's interesting. And we live in a very rural town, there's, I mean, not even a warning light or a stop sign, or a stoplight. And so he has no fear of the road as a two year old, he'll just like, we don't live on the main road. But he'll go and he grabs his like Toy pirate ship, and he'll just go, like, we just go play in our little cul de sac. And, and he is just fearless. Yeah. And so I think with him having that demeanor, I am able to, I never say like, be careful, or don't do that. Unless it's like a safety issue. Of course,
Scott Benner 52:17
do you find that his? I mean, that that feeling that he exudes? Are you able to kind of feed off of that a little bit off of that? Like, don't be scared feeling?
Anonymous Female Speaker 52:27
A little bit? I think that when you put it into words like that, yeah. Because I'm he's like a spitting image of me, and with red hair. But he just has this little personality where he just is an explorer and an adventurer and wants to go and do. And that at this point in my life, that's the complete opposite of me. And so I just go with it. We make messes we, we do so much, try to do so much experience stuff, that even though he's too he's probably not going to remember. But there's so much good with letting your child be messy and just doing those type of things.
Scott Benner 53:19
It's nice to it sounds like it might be freeing for you as well. I have a question. You've scheduled this recording and pushed it a number of times. I know. And what an I, every time it happens, I'm just like, that's cool. But there was a moment where I started to worry. I'm like, oh, maybe she's having like, like issues and they can't bring herself to do this. But do you remember? Was it just life stuff? Or did you have moments where you're like, I can't rerecord this right now.
Anonymous Female Speaker 53:48
It was never that I think it was more well, our time difference doesn't necessarily help. Not at all. That was kind of a struggle, because then I'd kind of you, I put you in the back of my mind. And then I'd be like, Oh my gosh, I I'm supposed to do this. But I'm working that day or, you know, different things or when I was pregnant. I just didn't want to I guess because and when I was pregnant, I really tried hard to listen to the pregnancy episodes. And I think I got through about 10 minutes of one. And I just sat and cried. Yeah, I because unfortunately, I should probably listen to the podcasts more. I really have to still pick and choose what episodes I listen to.
Scott Benner 54:41
I say they can have an impact on you too harshly.
Anonymous Female Speaker 54:46
Yes, yeah.
Scott Benner 54:49
Well, listen, I'm just glad to hear that you weren't like I you imagined from my perspective after the first second third time I was like, Oh, she might not be okay. Was my was my worry. I'm glad just to hear that. That That's not the case. Yeah, yeah. No, that's, that's good to go. So when you hear some people's stories, when are they hard to listen to? If they're too close to yours? Or if there's something you can't accomplish, or what? Where does it get to you?
Anonymous Female Speaker 55:14
I feel that like, any time, like one that really sticks out in my mind, is the mom that lost her diabetic son. I want to say in the car. Yes, yeah. Like, those type of things where I just feel like I'm not, I am mentally stable. But I just feel like my emotions are still pretty unstable. And now adding postpartum that doesn't help. Right. But those types that it's just kind of pulling at your heartstrings. Yeah, well, that's where I struggle,
Scott Benner 55:55
I have to tell you, if if it makes you feel any better, it's was hard for me to talk to her. And it's still one of the, like, conversations I've had that sticks inside of me. So I mean, I don't think that's, that might have nothing to do with your, your history, to be perfectly honest with you. It's just hard to listen to.
Anonymous Female Speaker 56:12
Yeah, well, and then I listened to a lot of like the after dark ones, because I know those just have a different tone. Usually, it can be a lot, a lot more heavy, right in the conversation. But I'm like, You know what I? Like? If this person can do live and do things, I sure as hell can. Oh,
Scott Benner 56:36
it does give you that feeling like, Gee, they're going through this, I can do my thing. Yeah. Oh, that's excellent. I'm glad to hear that. Those episodes, my hope with those episodes is sort of like, partly I think people coming from my perspective, can get some understanding for how other people's lives are. And then I also hope for people who are struggling to hear somebody tell a story of going through a similar struggle, and then getting out of it that that can feel hopeful. So I'm glad about all that. That's really interesting.
Anonymous Female Speaker 57:06
And everywhere I go. I like Have you listened to Juicebox? Podcast? It's phenomenal.
Scott Benner 57:13
Thank you. You're so nice. I think that your story will like stick with me for my whole life. It really well. It was one of the first times that somebody ever opened up like that. Talking to you really helped the podcast to grow. Because I mean, I think you're like the third after dark episode of fresh one. Yeah. So basically, my idea back then was like, well, like you smoke weed you drink, we'll talk to you people, right? And then I don't know where I thought it was gonna go from them, then I get this note from you. And I was like, alright, well, I guess I said I was doing this. So I'll do this. And then we have this conversation. And it's so like, eye opening for me. And at the same time frightening to me, like because I think there's no way you're going to be okay. Not because of you, but because you were isolated. Because from family because family wasn't that supportive of their mental health struggles to begin with, because the guy you were with was young. And I just I remember feeling like that kid doesn't have the tools for this, that you know what I mean? Like, I'm 30 years older than him, and I don't know what I would do. And then your notes. He just felt like you weren't okay, and that you really needed help. So, like, even just being involved in, like, I stepped over a line for myself calling a place for you. Like that was not that's not a thing I should have been doing. Like, you know what I mean? Like, but that was the situation the situation was so upside down. Like, you know what he mean? That it needed something that ridiculous to happen, a stranger to call across the country and try to help somebody? Yeah, you know, I don't know, it just it changed the way I look at some of this stuff. So, you know, like in the future, like, I can tell you that without without your conversation. The day I get an email from this woman who says, Listen, I was sexually assaulted in college, and it impacted my life with diabetes. And I want to tell that story. Had I not spoken to you? I don't know what I would have done when I got that email. because prior to that, I would have thought this has got nothing to do with this podcast, and I don't have the skills to have this conversation with her, you know, like, like that. By the way, I still didn't feel like I had the skills to have that conversation with her if I apologize to her before we started this, like, I'm not gonna do a good job. You know, like, I don't know what we're talking about here. And afterwards. I'm like, was this okay? And she's like, No, it was terrific. And, but I really think that the conversation I had with you opened a lot of that up for me. So yeah, I appreciate it.
Anonymous Female Speaker 59:49
Yeah, I mean, it's amazing how something like depression or anxiety even because I did not experience anxiety. I thought anxiety was like was a fluke, until COVID hit, and that's when my anxiety really ramped up. And I could understand like, oh, I, I understand why people have anxiety now. And so it's, it's amazing how an event or just something like that can trigger. And then I mean, diabetes is not simple by any means. But then how it trickles down to even that, or some, you know, an event like being sexually assaulted how that trickles down to your diabetes? Yeah.
Scott Benner 1:00:36
When she even said that when that person said that, in that note, I was thinking, I don't understand how that impacts that, you know, like, I don't know what she's talking about even but I figured, well, she knows. And I have enough dexterity conversationally to get through this. So I'll learn something that people listening will learn something and, you know, will add to the fabric of the podcast that way. But yeah, no, seriously, talking to you was a was really helpful for me. So, you know, a lot of what's come since then, is based in the what the word is. But the courage I have that to believe that I can do that. Have that conversation, you know, so anyway, I appreciate it. Thank you very much. So you have like, it's early in the morning. Your kids are still asleep? Yes, they
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:01:25
are. Yeah.
Scott Benner 1:01:26
Are you like we're doing it though, right. We're getting through this without them waking up. So that's pretty cool. Yes.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:01:31
It's nice.
Scott Benner 1:01:32
I have to tell you your note yesterday, it was in two parts. The second part said, I just had a minor heart attack. Like, and right. So I'm trying to imagine I'm coming out of the grocery store yesterday. And I flipped my phone up. You know how the iPhone does the thing. Now we're like, you get like, you're like there's a bunch of stuff on the main screen, they start to stack up a little bit, and the most recent one is on top. So yeah, I look and it's from you. And it says, I just had a mild heart attack. And I thought, oh my god, you had a heart attack, like so I like sit in my car and I whip it open. And I'm like, I'm getting rid of let's say like, all I can think is like wow, the people love this podcast so much that even after they have a heart attack, they still think the message. And instead I realized that it was the extension of your first message, which is hey, my kids are sick and like blah, blah, blah. And I just realized I have this recording with you tomorrow. I just had a mild heart attack like you were being you know, you were joking. Yeah, for but for 35 seconds. I thought you had like a health issue. And I was like, oh my god, like it was like so stunned. Like when I got I got in the car at the grocery store. Anyway, I'm glad you did I have a heart attack.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:02:46
Me. Yeah, me too.
Scott Benner 1:02:48
Right. easy thing to be glad about. Is there anything that we haven't talked about that we should have?
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:02:53
I don't think so. I feel like just the first time like the tones in my mental load. Obviously, it's different now. But it's night and day different I feel. And I feel like even listening, like and you listening to me right now, while we record this. I just feel like it could almost be two different people. Oh,
Scott Benner 1:03:22
anybody who hasn't heard your episode goes back and listens to this. They're gonna think I can't believe that girl's alive to have that second conversation. Seriously? Yeah, for certain episode 336. After dark depression and self harm. It was back. It went up on May 14 2020. We're recording now in October 2023. So this is over three years ago.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:03:47
Yeah. And I think at first I was trying to do like a year after Yeah.
Scott Benner 1:03:53
Now you've rescheduled more times than I have fingers on one of my hands. I think so. And I'll be honest with you, I once said to my wife, so I'm like, Hey, I gotta go record. And I went upstairs, and then I realized that you'd canceled it. And I came back down and my wife goes, what happened? And I said, Oh, the they rescheduled. And she goes, okay, and it happens. I don't want to give people the freedom to like do this all the time. But I'd say three or four times a year, somebody rescheduled the last moment, and a couple times a year, people just canceled the last moment. It's part of the it's just part of it. It's how it goes right? Sometimes I'll come downstairs and my wife will be like, what just happened? I said how they flaked, you know, like, just forgot the day or something like that. So my wife goes to the person flake, she's using my words. And I said, Oh, no, no, it's and I told her your name. I said, you remember her from this conversation? I was like, oh my god, do your pen pal. And I was like, Yes, her and and I said, I honestly don't think I'll ever record with her again. Like so that we're doing this today is even a little shocking to me, because I thought for sure this was going to just be a thing. We'd Did where you take up a day on my schedule, but we never get back together again. I actually, I really did think that's what was gonna happen. I'm thrilled. It's not. That's why I asked you about it. Yeah,
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:05:11
well, and I feel part of it maybe, maybe was the anxiety of like, not necessarily reliving that time in my life, but just
Scott Benner 1:05:21
having to remember that that was you.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:05:25
Yeah, because I tried very actively, to not remember, like our converse, like, you helping me, I remember that, sure, to a point. But like our conversation where I was in my life, I try really hard to not remember that. So it's kind of, you know, hard to go back three years, when I've grown so much.
Scott Benner 1:05:52
I know, I don't blame you at all. Like, there's part of me that just thought, like, if you and I ever talk, it'll be an amazing sign of like progress for you a second time. And that is how I feel now talking to you. I'm so thrilled that it kind of went the way I expected it to. But yeah, part of me just thought like, letting you keep that date on the calendar, maybe. I don't know what's good for you somehow. So I just because my wife would say, you know, you can't give these dates away all the time. You're gonna, you'll get behind and I was like, now for her. It's okay. This is special. It's alright. Because there are other people, by the way that after, like, they'll like if they cancel once. I'll be like, it's fine. You can reschedule it. And if they cancel a second time, I don't say that's fine. You can reschedule. I just go okay, well, I'm sorry, this didn't work out. Because they're gonna be habitually flaky. I just didn't feel that way about you. I was like, I'm happy if this stays on my schedule forever. So
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:06:44
yeah. Well, and then one thing I tried to do, like, I will not actively because I, you know, ebb and flow of you, filling my mind, or like your podcast or talking to you or whatever. And so then I was like, every now and again, maybe I should message him and give him a little update on how I am and what I'm doing. So he doesn't think I'm dead. Or
Scott Benner 1:07:11
I like don't worry. Yeah.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:07:15
You know, yeah, well, I I'm still a functioning person, I guess. Yeah. Listen,
Scott Benner 1:07:22
it all very, it's very helpful to me at times to like, I'm, I get a lot of messages. So I'm not the most communicative like quickly when I get messages sometimes. But do you remember the after dark? Did you listen to the after dark with the girl who was the stripper? No, you didn't hear that one. So she said something like, I mean, a couple of things that were really worrisome while I was talking to her. And she's another person who like I think about sometimes like, I hope she's okay. And she sent me a note a couple of months ago, about some like pretty big changes and improvements she made in her life and things that I'm that she realized. It took, like a long time after she recorded the podcast, but she realized like that what I said there was like, That's not okay. I don't want to live like that. I was thrilled to hear from her. Like, just that she had made an adjustment and a change and that things were going good for her. Yeah, I like that. I think there trust me there's people in my head I'll never speak to again that I think about a lot from the show.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:08:23
Yeah, well, and and I never expected like for you to respond or even like a, you know, a thumbs up. I would have been fine with from you just cuz I was like, he needs to know that I'm mental. Like I'm just in a better place. Yeah,
Scott Benner 1:08:42
no, I appreciate it. I really do. Thank you, man. Thanks for doing this again. And thanks for taking good care of yourself. Do you ever consider dry vaping your weed instead of smoking it?
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:08:55
No, no. I've thought about I've thought about tinctures and like RSO oil. And so I have like a tincture that I'll put in like my coffee in the mornings just to mix it up. But I stay away from edibles because they do a number on my blood sugars and it's not worth it to me,
Scott Benner 1:09:18
right. I was talking to somebody recently I don't think her episodes up yet but she has a number of different autoimmune issues. And she's like smoking CBD and, and like a whole bunch of different stuff trying to like help it and it's interesting what people are doing to try to try to help themselves honestly. Anyway, I'm just happy for you that you know, you found I don't I don't even think that you found like where you're going to be it sounds like you're still moving in the right direction. Like you haven't leveled off. It sounds like you're still moving.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:09:50
You know what I mean? Yeah, I feel like I feel as long as like my kids are growing up, which I guess they'll always grow up but be and children, specifically, I think, as long as their children and like, need me that like I will always be moving in a forward direction, because they give me purpose, and they give me a reason to manage my blood sugars and make sure that, you know, in 20 years, I don't go blind or you know, all of those complications that could happen. I, and I, you know, there are most most days, I do not want to do anything, but my son loves to be outside, it could be 10 feet of snow outside. And he wants to be outside. And so he gets me out of my comfort zone and going and doing and just living. And so I think he doesn't know that I think him for it. But I thank Him every day for just getting me out of bed.
Scott Benner 1:10:58
Well, and then do you think long term, you'll be able to find a reason that doesn't involve another person that hopefully when they get older, you can, you know, find some happiness for yourself and then still be there for them as an, you know, a mom who's not with him every day?
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:11:15
I hope so. And maybe as I get older, or you know, since I'm only 28. And so maybe in my 30s I'll like I don't know, if it's a light bulb or just working in that forward direction of life, I guess and not going backwards. Yeah. Maybe I'll figure something that gives me inner peace. And I don't need to rely on a force outside of me. I guess. I
Scott Benner 1:11:48
wonder too, if they won't make if they won't make some more advancements in that use of psilocybin for depression. Because there are a lot of there are a lot of trials going on. Now that say that. People report that they do these, I don't know how, listen, I don't know how they do it, right? This mushrooms and basically low dose mushrooms or something like that. And they I don't know exactly what they do along with therapy, but people then they're doing it with a lot with military people and PTSD and depression and things like that. And people report really like astonishing changes for themselves.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:12:25
Yeah, I know, I know a couple people that go on mushroom retreats, where they are paired with like a therapist, and then they micro dose on mushrooms. And they just sit with the therapist. So it's a controlled environment, right. And whatever happens happens.
Scott Benner 1:12:47
And a lot of people describe like rewiring and like a loss of their depression and things like that. Actually, there's a lot of work at Johns Hopkins University with this. I mean, they're really yeah, they're doing like, if you Google Johns Hopkins psilocybin, you'll, you'll see they're doing looking at treatments for major depression. They say that the I remember an article from a year or so ago, I could probably find it. But they were saying that for up to a year after this the therapy that people were still doing well. So wow, it's really crazy. Anyway, I feel like something will happen there. You know, and eventually, eventually, drug companies are going to figure out a way to monetize weed and mushrooms and stuff like that. So No kidding. Yeah, once they once they decide they can make money with it, then they'll figure it out pretty quickly. Yeah. So anyway, I'm really I'm so happy for him. So I can't use your name. I a couple of times. I've wanted to call you by your name, but I'm really thrilled for you.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:13:49
Thank you, I It's been a long, three or four years, however long it's been but I feel like you're our first conversation. And what you did for me really cooked like, projected, not necessarily like where I am now. But it felt so much I think because, you know, my ex husband didn't know what to do. My family didn't know what to do. And just you going out on that limb. I think I realized like there are people in the world that truly care about me. Oh, and so and like three timezones away. I'm
Scott Benner 1:14:33
sure everybody listening cares to you just never you'll never meet them, you know? Well, that's really lovely for you to say, I appreciate it. I was it was my pleasure. And it was uncomfortable for me. I mean, I can tell you that, but it just felt not just necessary, but I don't know how a person would have met you and walked away from you that situation. Like I can't imagine that. So yeah, seemed odd. Yeah, and
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:14:59
and it's been, you know, like, when my episode came out I, because you shared it on the, I'm assuming if I remember correctly, like the Facebook group and that and, and just reading some of the comments. That's where it got, like where I started to get affected like, oh my gosh, these people listen to me and just them I guess, the community that you unknowingly, we're going to we're, you know, building. It's such a strong community I feel and it's people from all different backgrounds. And so it's nice to just because I've pretty much put taken like the Juicebox Podcast and like, put it on the backburner right now, just with my master's program, and two children under two. Life, yeah, I don't commute as long as I do, or as long as I did, and I had that time. And so I'm, unfortunately not as up as I should be. But definitely, I probably go to your, like the Facebook group, oh, four or five times a week. And that's kind of how I have stayed connected. Not with you, but just with the community, because it is a very close knit community. And that, even though I will never meet any of these people, it's just nice to know. Like, there's other people in the after dark series, I reached out to one of the after dark people, and we messaged a little bit, and I followed him on Instagram and that stuff. And so I just played I kind of am like a shadow in this world. In the sense of, you know, yeah,
Scott Benner 1:16:53
I get my mentions, and there are times I'll see your name, like your message. And I'll think, Oh, good. She's out there. You don't I mean, like, it just, it's a nice little, it's a split second, you know, I see your name roll by on my, my mentions, or I'm not bragging, but my mentions are like, hellacious they're just, they don't stop all day long. And it just to see your name, like pop up in that list sometimes like, Oh, good. You know, like, that's great. And to your point about the group, being kind and diverse. I'm never not amazed by it. You know, like, you'll watch somebody, literally from Australia, ask a question that's answered by somebody living in India. And then you know, it and before you know it, you realize years, people from Mexico and Canada and the EU, all over the US and Germany, France, like the UK, they're all talking to each other. And they all have something to add. And even just hearing you now talk about how it even felt supportive, just to hear people like conversate, about you, and your episode to say like, Oh, I heard that and, you know, have feedback and how that feels supportive to you. I mean, even those are things that I mean, I can imagine them if I stop and think about it, but day to day, as the minutes are clicking by and I'm doing all the things I'm doing. I don't stop the thing. Like, oh, that really helps them that post actually supported you like that. That's really cool to hear. So I'm glad you said that. It
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:18:23
was really like hard to a listen to my first episode. And then let's like, read those comments. I think just because being you know, slightly in a, you know, a different mindset then. And not, you know, none of them, obviously could reach out because of the me being anonymous and staying anonymous. But just knowing that there are people out there, that's more than like my husband or my family. Yeah. It's, it's been very, it's really great to have just this outlet of, and I don't really post in it or anything, I might tag the Juicebox Podcast every now and again or whatever. But just knowing that when it comes to such a large part of my life of the diabetes, I know exactly where I can go to have 100% support from people. Literally, like you said, literally 1000 miles away, right.
Scott Benner 1:19:26
And you get to be yourself and the person from the episode, but you don't have to tell anybody that that's me. And I would imagine there's some freedom in that as well.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:19:38
Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah.
Scott Benner 1:19:39
I've seen people do it both ways. And doesn't seem like there's a right way. It's, you know, whatever makes the most sense to you and what's most comfortable for you, but I've seen people be like, That's me, and you know, talk to them and but just to know that you could see it and they they were talking to you and they didn't know it like it's all very good. And by the way that they were kind and, and generous and lovely and not, you know, I mean, you could have easily clicked on that link and somebody could have said something off the wall and it might have been bad for you. So that's great. All right. Okay, good. I'm gonna let you go. You got to at what, by the way, what's wrong with your kids? Right, what kind of illness they have?
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:20:16
Well, I'm currently being treated for pneumonia. Oh my God. And the littles just have, like, stuffy nose, runny nose, cough, just cred. Yeah. And so it's not a very happy place in our home right now.
Scott Benner 1:20:37
Yes. Nobody wants to be sick, that's for sure. But I hope everybody feels better quickly. And seriously. Thank you so much for doing this with me.
Anonymous Female Speaker 1:20:46
Yeah, no problem. I'm so glad we were finally able to connect.
Scott Benner 1:20:49
Yeah, let's get you back on the schedule now so we can record again in five years. Okay. Hold on one second for me.
I'd like to thank ag one for sponsoring this episode of The Juicebox Podcast and remind you that with your first order, you're gonna get a free welcome kit. Five free travel packs in a year supply of vitamin D. That's at AG one.com/juice box. A huge thank you to one of today's sponsors, G voc glucagon, find out more about Chivo Capo pen at G Vogue glucagon.com Ford slash juice box. you spell that GVOKEGL You see ag o n.com. Forward slash juicebox. Arden has been getting her diabetes supplies from us med for three years. You can as well, US med.com/juice box or call 888-721-1514 My thanks to us med for sponsoring this episode. And for being longtime sponsors of the Juicebox Podcast. There are links in the show notes and links at juicebox podcast.com. To us Med and all the sponsors. I was looking for a way that we could all get nice and tan and meet each other and spend some time talking about diabetes. How are we going to do that on a juice cruise? Juice cruise 2025 departs Galveston, Texas on Monday, June 23 2025. It's a five night trip through the Western Caribbean visiting of course Galveston, Costa Maya and Cozumel. I'm going to be there. Eric is going to be there. And we're working on some other special guests. Now, why do we need to be there? Because during the days at sea, we're going to be holding conferences. You can get involved in these talks around type one diabetes, and they're going to be Q and A's. Plenty of time for everyone to get to talk, ask their questions and get their questions answered. So if you're looking for a nice adult or family vacation, you want to meet your favorite podcast host but you can't figure out where Jason Bateman lives. So you'll settle for me. If you want to talk about diabetes, or you know what, maybe you want to meet some people living with type one, or just get a tan with a bunch of cool people. You can do that on juice cruise 2025 spaces limited. Head now to juicebox podcast.com and click on that banner. You can find out all about the different cabins that are available to you. and register today. links in the show notes links at juicebox podcast.com. I hope to see you onboard. If you're not already subscribed or following in your favorite audio app, please take the time now to do that. It really helps the show and get those automatic downloads set up so you never miss an episode. Thank you so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast. The episode you just heard was professionally edited by wrong way recording. Wrong way recording.com
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