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Scott Benner 0:00
Hello everyone, and welcome to Episode 462 of the Juicebox Podcast.

I'm gonna start this episode a little differently than I do normally. First of all, please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise. Please always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan. But more importantly, if you feel like you can be adversely triggered by conversations about sexual assault, or you're under 18, you should probably just stop this episode right now. This episode is part of our after dark series after dark began back in 2019. With Episode 274 about drinking. We then went to weed smoking, trauma and addiction, sex from different perspectives depression and self harm, divorce, bipolar disorder, bulimia, heroin addiction, and we even talked to somebody about how to use psychedelic drugs when you have type one. So these episodes are specifically about the stuff that no one talks about, from the perspective of a person living with Type One Diabetes.

Today's episode is about sexual assault, and PTSD. We're going to want to figure out how to say this too. Okay. So the person you're going to hear on the episode today is anonymous. About a month or so ago, I recorded an episode with them that had nothing to do with any of this. And a few weeks later, I received a note that said, I know I just recorded with you. But I'd like to do an after dark episode about PTSD and sexual assault. She said the entire experience related to her diabetes quite a bit. And she wanted to share with all of you. So because we'd already done an episode together, where she was clear about who she was and her name. But that episode had not come out. I just destroyed that episode. So you'll have no way of knowing who this person is. And we sat and recorded this, I do not believe that the recording of this episode was easy for the person you're about to hear. And it was not easy for me. It is however, eye opening and enlightening and useful, very useful information for people to have. Now this is not a graphic retelling of what happened. But it is a step by step conversation. So it can be very stressful at times. We're very careful to not use too many words that you might find distressing. But it is what it is. And there's no getting around that. Now I don't normally do this. But this is an email that I received from the person you're about to hear. This email came after we recorded this show. She said I just want to thank you again for recording with me. I took some time to think about it. And I think our conversation went incredibly well. I was hoping that you could add some links to resources, which I was definitely going to do already. She says she's never used them herself, but there's rain. And in just a moment. I'll give you links to that. She asked me to be sure to put a warning at the beginning which again we were going to do and then she said I really appreciate you recording this with me. I know it was tough. I really appreciate your willingness to have the conversation. I know that it was a lot. Again, I think the conversation went great. I hope you know how powerful the podcast is on so many levels. And thank you for working hard for people with type one diabetes. It really means a lot I just want you to know as you're listening, the person who had this conversation is incredibly comfortable with what they said and what you're about to hear. If you need support you can try rainn.org are a i n n dot o RG is the National Sexual Assault hotline. It's confidential and has 24 seven support they offer online chatting where you can call them at 1-800-656-4673 This is a crisis support service for sexual assault and harassment. They're not going to be any ads in this episode because honestly it just feels weird to me. I do want to thank on the pod Dexcom the Contour Next One blood glucose meter touched by type one and G vo glucagon for their continued support which makes content like this and the rest of the show possible. Okay, here we go. There's a person with me here whose name we're not going to use. And usually somebody This is the point where you hear like, Hi my name is but we're not going to do that and you're going to see why in a moment. But I guess we Start with just some general stuff. So you have type one diabetes, right?

Anonymous Speaker 5:04
Yes. I was diagnosed at seven in 2001.

Scott Benner 5:10
Okay. So long time ago, like 20 years ago. Yeah. puts you in your late 20s. Now,

Unknown Speaker 5:17
the word late is you didn't enjoy. Sorry.

Unknown Speaker 5:20
Oh, painful Not gonna lie. But yes, my late to I'm 27

Scott Benner 5:23
All right, well, why don't we call it your mid 20s? And just thank you so much. Oh, why do that? That seems like the way to go. Yeah, so you're in your mid 20s now. And let's I guess let's just get a little bit out of the way about your your management, stuff like that. So you're using a pump or MDI, or how do you do things?

Anonymous Speaker 5:41
So I use an omni pod? And I am a recent user of the Dexcom. I just started it in October. Okay.

Scott Benner 5:49
Yeah. Prior to that, what were you doing?

Anonymous Speaker 5:52
Just regular checking, blood sugar tracking and Omni pod? I started an omni pod about seven years ago. So I've been on on an omni pod for seven years has been fantastic. That drop my agency quite a bit. And then with the start of the ducks calm, my most recent a one See, I can't even believe it was 5.6.

Unknown Speaker 6:15
Wow, congratulations. Yeah. Thank

Unknown Speaker 6:16
you with the with the help of the podcast, of course. Well,

Scott Benner 6:20
yes, obviously. Now, give you credit. You know, it's weird. I'm, I always tell people about the you know, they always want to, like, people are like, what do you want to talk about? Oh, my God, you know, it's okay. Just come on. And we'll start talking always works really well. And now I know what you and I are going to talk about. And I feel like I'm not good at this. Oh, it's fine. Oh, no, I feel like I'm tripping over my thoughts and everything. Oh, really?

Anonymous Speaker 6:45
I'll just go for it. Just do it.

Scott Benner 6:47
So. But yeah, so you started when you're seven, you pretty much managing on your own? Or? I mean, you how involved were your family? How did that all work?

Anonymous Speaker 6:56
Yeah. So they were involved. Now this was back in the day when you were it was 45 carbs a meal 15 carbs, snacks, you had to eat a very specific times during the day. So it was, you know, drop everything and eat at noon at six o'clock, whatever it was, I don't remember. Um, so in the beginning, my parents helped quite a bit. When I hit I would say around 13. I was doing it primarily on my own. And at that point, I had switched over to lantis, which was a big deal. That was a big deal to switch from, I don't even remember, I think was humulin. And human beings evolve. And you had to mix them in the syringe prior to that, but then Lantus was a big deal, because you can eat whenever you want it. And then I was very hesitant to getting a pump for various reasons. But I didn't get one until college. But yeah, for them to answer your question. Yeah, I was pretty pretty on my own for most of it.

Scott Benner 7:56
Where was your outcomes during those like teen years and, and into college.

Unknown Speaker 8:03
So kind of rough.

Anonymous Speaker 8:05
I was I floated around the eights and nines. You know, and it was, and my parents, the other thought my other thought is my parents also really wanted it to be that way wanted me to be independent, so I could do whatever it was I wanted. So that was their thought process.

Unknown Speaker 8:24
But then,

Anonymous Speaker 8:26
you know, the then the other thing, the other curveball that got thrown out, again, was at around 15, I got diagnosed with graves disease, which caused crazy crazy insulin resistance. That took quite a few years to get regulated once. But once that got regulated, it really sorted out quite a bit. And then after that, I started the Omni pod. So I so I had like a big me in terms of a graph. Like a, like, a nice slope down to where I am now. From the time I was around like 20.

Scott Benner 8:57
I mean, when you said it took years to get regulated, you mean the graves disease? Yes. Okay. And what did that consist of?

Anonymous Speaker 9:05
So they started with, I can't even remember the name of it, but they started with the general medication. What is better beta blocker rings a bell, but don't quote me on that. They started with that. It was taking a really long time, though, to get my thyroid regulated, and so they ended up doing what's called radioactive thyroid ablation. So you go in, you take this big horse pill, and it basically like kills your thyroid completely. So now I take it since then that's helped tremendously but then I they had to regulate it with Synthroid which has been stable, but in the first couple years after taking it, it kind of would like blip and like, you know, I would need a lot of adjustments. So once I got stable that really helped

Scott Benner 9:59
me It took years. Yeah, yeah, definitely. It seems from my googling that beta blockers are used in conjunction with graves disease to help with heart palpitations and muscle tremors that come with graves.

Anonymous Speaker 10:12
Oh, just kidding. Alright, that was a different thing.

Scott Benner 10:14
Oh, yeah, that's

Anonymous Speaker 10:15
what was the name of the, I don't know, whatever. It's like the opposite isn't

Scott Benner 10:19
the opposite, isn't it? I should go out and see what happens.

Unknown Speaker 10:22
See what happens. I'm like, Oh, yes, I

Anonymous Speaker 10:25
was on the beta blocker because my heart rate was like through the roof at that time.

Unknown Speaker 10:30
Okay,

Unknown Speaker 10:30
due to the thyroid, hyper thyroid.

Scott Benner 10:36
livox. I don't know. I yeah, I'm not certain but but I do know like, if she you would sit with graves, you'd swing hyper and then hypo, like, you'd bounce back and forth or no.

Anonymous Speaker 10:47
So it's swung hyper. And then the point was to get it down. But then once they did the radioactive iodine exactly, would go down to hypo,

Scott Benner 10:58
with hyper and now Yes, probably managed with like Synthroid or something like that.

Anonymous Speaker 11:02
Yeah, I'm gonna be on Synthroid forever. Yeah, because of the ablation.

Scott Benner 11:06
Brandon, and that just not so they didn't remove your thyroid. They just kind of kicked it really hard. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. Well, it was fun, the removal processes, it looks daunting. But that decision and everything else, so I don't know, like, would you go back and do it again? Or do you think you had no other choice?

Unknown Speaker 11:28
Um,

Anonymous Speaker 11:30
yeah, I think I would do it again, honestly, because I, the symptoms of graves disease were really awful. That was not fun. You know, I was my heart rate, I'd be sitting in class, I was in high school at the time, my heart rate would be like, 125 just sitting down. And I was an athlete. So that was quite a big problem. You know, and, and you're, you're hot. I would like not go out. I would go outside without a jacket in January. You know,

Unknown Speaker 11:57
like, it was? Yeah,

Anonymous Speaker 11:59
it was really not fun. So I think just getting rid of it faster. Which may be I'm just impatient, but getting rid of it faster was I think the right call. Okay.

Scott Benner 12:10
All right. Well, I don't know how to bury the lead anymore. Because I literally feel like I'm keeping a secret. It's making me upset. Which is ridiculous. Because you know, when people listen to a podcast, the title will indicate to them what this is about. So everyone's everyone's just like, Oh, my God, just get to it. And but you sent me a note, and, and you said you wanted to talk about some pretty specific stuff. So why don't you just tell me your story? And we'll pick through it? Sure, I don't.

Anonymous Speaker 12:42
Yeah, okay. All right. Okay, so um, yeah, so I don't even know. I wanted. I don't know, do I like say the topic? First? I'll go because the topics the name of the episode. Yeah, he doesn't know listening are going to be dying right now. Well, we'll do it. Okay. So yeah, so I sent you an email regarding how sexual assaults, and I ended up with PTSD from that. And really just how that pertains to diabetes, because it affected it quite a bit. Um, so I just, I guess I just go through the story, I

Scott Benner 13:21
guess. I mean, I am interested, I am definitely interested in how it impacted, like type one because you you were very specific, like this has an impact on my blood on my diabetes, and I was like, Oh, okay. Well, listen, you don't tell me any more than you're comfortable with. But I guess right around like, what you get to kind of tell me what age it was. And yeah, that kind of stuff.

Anonymous Speaker 13:40
Okay. Sure. So I yeah, I'll go into what we think makes sense. But, um, yeah, so I was a really classic, unfortunately, a case so I was a junior in college. I remember, it was a Sunday night of Labor Day weekend, and my friends wanted to go out. And we went to this 21 and under club, we were not 21 yet. Um, and essentially what happened was, you know, we're dancing on the dance floor and whatever. Someone came up to me, it was someone I knew. friend of a friend, not someone that I knew very personally. But I knew of him so it wasn't like a complete stranger. Right.

Unknown Speaker 14:31
And,

Anonymous Speaker 14:34
you know, so I can tell you the red flags that came up now, not realizing them at the time. And that's actually one of the reasons why I wanted to come on and talk about it because I think it's something that's not spoken about, and I think there's a ton of misconceptions. So with that being said, the first red flag that I noticed there was he somehow like got me away from my friends. You know, the group of you People that I was with.

Unknown Speaker 15:03
And you know what's funny?

Anonymous Speaker 15:06
It's so interesting. I actually feel like as I'm talking about this, I feel the need to justify that.

Unknown Speaker 15:15
Like, this is not

Anonymous Speaker 15:18
how do I explain this? It's like, it's like I feel the need to justify the fact that I'm not a person who does impulsive things, right? Like, I'm a very, like, cautious kind of person, pretty thoughtful like I you know, I don't do things very impulsively. And yet, I ended up kissing this guy on the dance floor. And what had happened was he kept asking me to go home with them. I said, No, I would say God, like four or five times. And that was the second red flag for me. I learned later on, if you're saying no to somebody, and they're not listening to you over and over again, that's, you know, that's an indicator, right? So, you know, to speed up the process here, I ended up going home with this person. And I'm not going to go into crazy detail by any means. But the second I got there, I knew I was not in control of the situation whatsoever. It was very different than anything I've ever experienced. And it was, you know, not great. So

Scott Benner 16:28
let me ask you a couple questions. Yeah. Was he older than you?

Unknown Speaker 16:33
Think the same about the same age? Same

Scott Benner 16:35
age? Yeah. When you said that. You said no, over and over again? What? What what? Give me he didn't drag you out. So what happened that you did it? Was it? Did you start to feel badly? Or did you feel pressured? Or what's that?

Anonymous Speaker 16:50
I think it was a combination of those two things. It's the strangest sensation. I almost felt like I had to say yes. After I said, No, so many times. It was. And that's the thing with this is that it's very subtle. It's very, like hard to describe that I've learned over the years. Yeah, I would say and I actually. And, you know, moving forward from that, like, I like I hold a ton of guilt from that from that, because it was that moment that I agreed, right, like to go with him. But I had to really separate Alright, and I've done this over the years. Just because I agreed to walk out the door with you doesn't mean that that's what I was asking for. Right? Like,

Scott Benner 17:38
two separate things. Does your does your anxiety from that come from the knowledge that you knew he wanted you to go? Like, have sex? Like there was clear, that's what he was trying to get you to do? I guess we're now or was it not? Oh,

Anonymous Speaker 17:58
I don't really know. It was. It was like this guilt that I put on myself that I felt like, I felt like I could have prevented it had had that. And sure, maybe I could have. But just because I think what I had to separate in my head was just because I left a building with you doesn't mean that that's what I was.

Scott Benner 18:18
Yeah, no, obviously. I mean, I think that's, that's obvious to you. And I and I'm assuming everyone listening, what I'm what I'm wondering is, is this? I mean, obviously there's a I don't understand the the depth of the illness that goes with doing this to somebody obviously, but this person's in, you know, intent on this. You would you would think from from the onset, like you said, polio pulled you away from people where you could pressure you privately, where you You said that you were not a person who like did things impulsively? Do you think you look like a target to him?

Unknown Speaker 18:53
Yes. 100%? Definitely.

Scott Benner 18:56
So you you, and not that you want to make sure I say this, right? Like, I don't mean that you are somehow at fault for being a target in his eyes. I'm just saying that he looked at a group of people and thought this looks like a girl. I can pressure. Yes. Okay.

Anonymous Speaker 19:13
Yeah. Yeah. Which, which I struggled with for a long time to write like, I kind of was like, What on earth? Was it about me that was targeted? Because it was very targeted? Right? Like, you know, that whole thing? Yeah, that's, that's something I had to really delve into to?

Scott Benner 19:31
Well, I mean, it should be said that you're a junior in college, he should be able to be the type of person who seems sweet and nice. You know what I mean? Like, you shouldn't have to walk out into the world looking like you're gonna slap anybody who looks at you, you know, and so but he just so that's got nothing to do. It's hard to put into words to somebody but that has nothing to do with you. Like if I was consoling you as a friend. I'd say you didn't do anything wrong. You just that time, nice person and And the bad thing that this person decided to do was probably in his mind easier to do to you than to somebody else. So why take the hard path to this? If this is what he was gonna try? Sure, yeah, that sucks. It's hard. I really feel badly, like listening to it. It's, it feels like I want to tell you, I'm sorry, every five seconds, but I stopped myself from doing that. You're fine. You're fine. And I also, you know, my son's about that age, you know, and, and D think about somebody taking advantage of him and or, or thinking of art and getting older. It's really frightening. So. So once you say you go along willingly. And then at some point, he pushes out to a line you're not okay with? I'm assuming you say no, again? Oh, yeah.

Unknown Speaker 20:50
Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah.

Scott Benner 20:52
So are you restrained at that point?

Anonymous Speaker 20:56
I couldn't tell you. I don't remember to be honest with you that I don't. I don't say more or less. Yes. Like, you know, this large man's on top of me. So I would say I would say yes, yeah.

Scott Benner 21:07
Were you impaired at all? Like, Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, sure. Maybe you would have had trouble defending yourself?

Anonymous Speaker 21:13
Oh, for sure. There was no, there was nothing. You know, I tried like hell to get away. There was no way I was going to like, that was not happening. You know, I'm not a very big person either. Like, so there was no, yeah.

Scott Benner 21:26
So then what happens? I mean, as I'm thinking about, like, I can't fathom any of this. So like, when, when the act is over? Does he just let you leave?

Anonymous Speaker 21:40
Yeah, isn't that strange? I thought the same that that's something that really runs through my head, too. I remember. So to to give context, though. I actually completely blacked out during it. I remembered the beginning of it. I remember, totally blacked out during the middle. It took me years to actually remember, like, what actually had happened. And I remember distinctly saying, getting up and saying, this is a terrible idea. That's what I said. And I left. And I actually didn't remember what had already happened. It was like, it was like, someone paused my brain and then turned it back on, like, 20 minutes later, or however long it was, I couldn't tell you. Um, yeah, so that was definitely that. That was weird.

Scott Benner 22:33
Okay, can I ask you with yours to obviously think about this, and probably I'm imagining look into it from a lot of different angles. Is that common?

Anonymous Speaker 22:42
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, definitely. It's, um, I can't think of the word is, like, repressing it right? Yeah, it's Yeah. You just like, and it wasn't. Yeah, cuz I went through, like, those are two different things, like between repressing and denying. I just straight up had no idea it had happened, um, for a while for a long time.

Scott Benner 23:07
So you, did you leave there? Did you physically know that you had, that? There was intercourse? Like, do you know what I mean?

Anonymous Speaker 23:17
No, no, I had no idea. I had no idea. I was really I was in a lot of pain afterwards. And I was like, That's weird. Like, that was my thought. Like, I was like, oh,

Unknown Speaker 23:27
let's train your

Scott Benner 23:27
brain. Just not to think about it. Probably no, right? Yep. I just like, because that mean, the reason I asked is I tried to put myself in your possession as best I can to try to work my way through the questions. And I would imagine that if that was happening to me, I'd think well, when this is over, someone's going to kill me because you wouldn't do this to me, and then let me go tell somebody about it. You know, but I guess that's not

Anonymous Speaker 23:53
I totally know what you mean. And I was so like, it was like an out of body experience. Like I was so like, blacked out is the best word that I have that like, I wouldn't have thought that lat like nothing. There was no logic going on in that moment, because I was just so just like, you know, so dramatize that. Yeah, like you couldn't think that I couldn't think that clear.

Scott Benner 24:16
Not that you don't even think it but like, I'm putting myself in the attackers like it would be it would be like robbing a bank without a mask on and someone seeing you and you'd be like, Well, I have to kill you now. Because you've seen me do this. Like, like, it would just like, if someone was robbing a bank, and I was looking into a face and they were holding a gun. I think this guy's gonna shoot me. Like, like, I mean, it's just, it's like, it's kind of fascinating. It is.

Anonymous Speaker 24:42
Yeah. And it's horrifying. Because like, that's the thing. It's his word against mine, right? Like that's, they're the only two people there. I do think actually, when I walked out I'm pretty sure his roommates heard the whole thing, because they looked to me very horrified as I walked out. So I think they probably heard but I, you know, that's that's the scary thing about this and that's what's so, you know, what makes it so hard to talk about is that like, it's it's literally two people that are there right like it's it's Yeah.

Scott Benner 25:18
What what? What happens in the in the days after was when you see the roommates or do you see any of those people?

Unknown Speaker 25:26
So, like the people involved?

Scott Benner 25:29
I mean yeah, I mean, like my own room Do you see the attacker again?

Unknown Speaker 25:33
Oh my god yeah,

Anonymous Speaker 25:34
he lived in the same building is me. So that was I gotta say I think that was the worst part of all this was that like I oh my god it was horrible like I I was afraid to go. They had like laundry in the basement. I was terrified to go do my laundry.

Unknown Speaker 25:53
Yeah, that was horrible.

Scott Benner 25:54
Terrified, like, but are you still repressing it? Like how long until you realize you were raped?

Anonymous Speaker 26:01
Oh, I'm so Alright, good question. So it was

Unknown Speaker 26:07
I would say a solid.

Anonymous Speaker 26:10
Six months or so before I realized that I was just that was bad, right like that. I was like, okay, something had happened there. It was then I think I think I wrote it all down. But now I don't know what I said. But I think it was like three, four years later before I realized the whole full extent of the of it.

Scott Benner 26:33
Yeah. So you just have this overwhelming feeling of dread being around him or building or those sorts of things?

Anonymous Speaker 26:39
Yeah, I had, like, I had really strange dreams were like about it. And I was like, That's weird. I don't think that happened. And then started remembering it more and more like as time went on. Oh, that's

Scott Benner 26:53
somehow that makes it more horrible. And yeah, right. Yeah. You don't hear some fun. You don't hear a story like that. And then think, Oh, you know, it'll probably get worse in a second. But then there, there it was. It got worse very quickly. Exactly. Wow. I am at the party again, where I feel like I should say, I'm so sorry to hear this. Oh, it's really, it's, I've got the weirdest job is what I'm thinking at the moment. So I'm okay, so all this happens. You have this frame of time afterwards, where you just it everything in the world feels scary and wrong, for no reason. It takes you to you're out of college to figure it out. Once you figure it out. Do you do anything? Like is there something to do?

Anonymous Speaker 27:36
So yeah, so I realized, just so in this time, so that was in like, it was in September. That same year about I don't know that spring, I started dating somebody. And I started as we were like, I don't know, what is a good word for that. Oh, this is after dark. I could just say, right? I gotta say whatever. As we're hooking up, right? I start, like having these weird reactions like really strange. Like, I was like, in tears afterwards. And I'm like, What on earth is this? And so that's when I actually started remembering part of it. So what I did to answer your question, so that was awful. Months later, I was like, Alright, I guess I got to go to therapy, because I was like, I don't know what on earth is going on here. Um, and so that was incredibly helpful and did that over a number of years.

Scott Benner 28:39
So you see, you took care of yourself, you went for therapy, and, and, and so you think that having a real boyfriend and getting into intimate situations is what drew out your memories of it? Yeah, definitely. Okay. Jc go to therapy that makes sense. Do you do anything like about the attacker? Like what is like, what's the feeling there? Like, you must have like a question in your head, like, do I call the cops? Has it been too long? What do I do? What am I interested in that fight? Like?

Anonymous Speaker 29:13
Yeah, um, it didn't even really occur to me until like, months and months later, and nothing. I didn't have any I had nothing to go off of like, what do you what do you say to the cops like, Oh, hey, this happened six months ago. Like, right? He's going to tell you no, I'm going to tell you yes. And so I didn't I never pursued anything with that. You know, and I didn't even remember the whole full extent of it until like I said, years later, so like, at that point, what do you even do? I did the one. It did cross my mind. My fear is that he's out this person is out doing this to other people, right like that. really got me I stuck with me for a really long time. But I really thought about it and I was like, but even if I were to pursue anything like nothing is going to come of it whatsoever. It's years later, and so yeah, no, I never actually pursued anything with that.

Scott Benner 30:19
I don't know that I could. I can't I can't like find fault with any of those thoughts. You don't need me. Yeah. Like, I'm taking your point like, Hey, you did this all this time I go. No, I didn't. Okay,

Unknown Speaker 30:31
okay. Yeah, that's it. Right. Like, there's

Anonymous Speaker 30:33
nothing Meanwhile, and, you know, meanwhile, it's, it's killing me, right. Like, it's awful. But so like, Did I really need to, like recount it to this person? And then have them deny it? Like, no. So

Scott Benner 30:48
that's that wasn't gonna protect anybody. Right? Yeah. And what about the roommates? Did you? Yeah, that's, I mean, I don't even know. Like, it's, it's so it's so disheartening that you could find one person willing to do this. And then when you realize there are more that are willing to stand by like, and not even just check on you, as you're going out the door. You know what I mean? Like is fascinatingly frightening?

Anonymous Speaker 31:13
Yeah, the, um, I don't know, I don't really remember who they were. But I remember like walking out and being like, why did they look so freaked out? And then I walked out the door. And yeah, no, nothing, nothing came of that. My own roommate I actually didn't mention my, my one roommate, who I've been friends with for a very long time. tried to stop the whole thing from happening in the beginning. Ironically, and that was the other actually forgot this. That was the other like, real source of guilt that I had that she tried. Like, she really tried. Like, she was talking to me. And she was like, What are you doing? Like, no, let's not do that. Um, and I don't know, I need to talk to I should have talked to her about it before I came on here. I don't know why. I don't know what set her off that she thought. Like, what made her do that?

Scott Benner 32:05
Yeah. But she saw something was wrong.

Anonymous Speaker 32:08
She saw Yeah, she knew something was wrong. And I persisted. Yeah, I get I'm, I'm a stubborn human being, and especially if I've had a drink, very stubborn openness about myself. And I was like, No, no, don't tell me what to do. Like. I know very nice. Like, don't get me wrong.

Unknown Speaker 32:26
But I can get like that.

Anonymous Speaker 32:27
Um, but yeah, so that was my reaction to it. But they when I got back to my own apartment, they I told them about a little bit. I was like, yeah, I'm like, That really hurt. And they were like, what? And I was like, No, it's fine. And, you know, they kind of dropped it. And what,

Scott Benner 32:49
what really hurt I'm sorry, I lost you. Like, I

Anonymous Speaker 32:51
was just so like, from the whole incident was very, yeah. So I was very sore. And they were like, yeah, and they were they they knew something had happened.

Scott Benner 33:05
But it never really got spoken about.

Anonymous Speaker 33:09
No, I did speak to them about it much later.

Scott Benner 33:13
Yeah. But in that moment, I guess you're really just like a bunch of 20 year olds, right. Like, isn't that Yeah, you know, just a bunch of kids that are like, we're gonna go dancing and drink a little bit, and then a real life situation pops up. And who knows how to handle any of that? You know?

Anonymous Speaker 33:28
No, it's so true. That is so incredibly true. I think, you know, Dave, and I have like, really like, to this day, like, they're, they're great friends of mine. And they are we actually talked about it later on. And they're like, one of them was like, I'm so sorry. Like, we didn't do enough. And I'm like, you're 20 years old? Like,

Unknown Speaker 33:49
what are you gonna do? Right? Like, it's,

Anonymous Speaker 33:51
you know, it's, it's so shocking for a given break. We're talking about it. And it's and it's like, a shocking things to talk about and hard to talk about. And when you're 20. Like, oh, Mike, forget it,

Unknown Speaker 34:03
you don't know what you don't

Scott Benner 34:05
know, I'm thrown by the idea that in this story, there are so many people, even down to you and I talking about it now, who all would have done the right thing in a scenario like that, and one person with bad intentions and that's what wins the day. Like, I know he gets his way for having those bad intentions around. You know, like that. It's just it's, it's um, I can't I can't wrap my head around it like I've tried while you're talking to just put myself in his shoes for a second and be like, Why would you do this? Like because like, Mike, because I come up with all these weird things like you did talk to him. Like, right. And so you must have had some thought that oh, this is a reasonably attractive person. I'll speak to him for a minute and find out what's going on here. Like he could have just put in real effort with you and create a relationship with you but but that's not his intention. Like, it's so it has nothing to do with any of that, quite obviously, I'm probably saying something that's completely obvious, but he really is just intent on on the act of hurting you or somebody else and getting to it very quickly and being done with it.

Anonymous Speaker 35:15
Right. And that's, and it's not like it's not sex. It's not a relationship. It's not any of those things. It's, it's, it's like violin, you know, like, it's like, two completely polarizing things. But yeah, that's, yeah, it's I don't know, I don't know what would wrap your like, you know,

Unknown Speaker 35:35
I'm not gonna get around that.

Scott Benner 35:36
I'm not gonna find it. I just know that. Yeah, there's more context. Like, you know, I've heard people my whole life say, they have sexual assaults, not about sex. And I understand academically exactly what they mean. Like, there's no confusion with me, but hearing your story makes it more real to me that idea. Yeah. And that's just terrible. So, alright, well, let's get out of this part. I seriously before I have a stroke, and, and, and I'm like, sitting here like, my, I don't look like this. Usually, when I do the show, my hands are up. My shoulders are tight, like up against my neck. I feel like I'm, you know, like, I feel like I want to just say to you, hey, this was a bad idea. We shouldn't talk about good, better than I am is the point. I'm gonna need your number for your therapist. By the time we're finished. Oh, well, she's good. Well, so. So then, after stuff like this happens, yeah, the PTSD around being around the building. But then about being around men, I would imagine. What about what about the Did you tell your parents?

Okay, I'm going to use this spot here where the advertisements usually go just to give us all a break for a second. Take a deep breath and go over how you can get help. Again, it's rainn.org are a i n n dot o RG you can contact them right there on that website. Even chat with somebody or call 1-800-656-4673 they say that every 73 seconds an American is sexually assaulted. on the site, you can find out warning signs for child sexual abuse, make a donation to them. And much more. Rain stands for Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. It is the nation's largest anti sexual violence organization rain created and operates the National Sexual Assault hotline in partnership with more than 1000 local sexual assault service providers across the country and operates the D o t safe helpline for the Department of Defense. Rain also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence help survivors and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice rainn.org or a i n n dot o RG, please if you need them reach out. Do you tell your parents? Oh,

Anonymous Speaker 38:44
yeah, that's a whole other can of worms. But um, I did. My parents. I don't think they had the capacity to do much about it. I think my parents are, how do I even explain explain this?

Unknown Speaker 39:04
You know,

Unknown Speaker 39:07
a bit there. That's not their thing.

Unknown Speaker 39:10
And I put it that way. That's not their thing. That's not

Scott Benner 39:12
their thing. Well, let me let me say something because I think you maybe want to say that I'm wrong. I have to say this. I'm not your dad. And this is 20 years from now. And I'm struggling to say the right thing because there's it every step of the you can see why people say the wrong things around this because every step of this there's a part of your brain that wants to go Why didn't you just push him and run away in the bar? Right? Why didn't and I'm imagining that in your parents desperation for this not to be something that actually happened to you. They probably said every wrong thing along the way getting to it.

Anonymous Speaker 39:51
You know, they weren't horrible. It was just the and I yeah, it was just I think I'm So much. It was so much I think there's not much. There's not much to do. Like,

Scott Benner 40:05
what happened? Yeah, yeah. Didn't like, Did your dad ask who the person was?

Anonymous Speaker 40:12
I actually never only talked to my mom about it. I never talked to my dad about it. Um, she? No, I

Unknown Speaker 40:18
don't think she

Anonymous Speaker 40:19
did. I think I recall her asking if I told the police. You know, she, you know, and she tried it a couple times. And you know, then that was kind of it. But I think not being able to wrap her head around that this was like a long term thing to get over. I think is the like, disconnect there.

Scott Benner 40:42
I honestly am a fairly reasonable person. And I'm trying to imagine if I could stop myself from finding that person and killing them. Oh, yeah. Like, I don't know if I could stop myself or not. You know,

Unknown Speaker 40:55
it's funny. People say that a lot.

Unknown Speaker 40:59
It wouldn't even do anything.

Scott Benner 41:01
No, I know, it would be the wrong thing to do. I'm not saying that. I'm trying to decide. I don't even know if it wouldn't hurt you more. I'm just trying to say that I I'm looking for the capacity inside of myself. Not the snap. If he's hoping this

Anonymous Speaker 41:14
Oh, yeah. I can't imagine I can't imagine like my own I know of kids. But one day if I have kids, if my kid told me that like, Oh my god, like Yeah, no, I seriously.

Scott Benner 41:24
Yeah. When my son was eight, a little kid talk to him. And I thought I was gonna kill that kid. You're gonna I gave him like a Death Stare. And I was like, listen to me. And I just said something very quietly under my breath to him. I was like, you're gonna stop that right now my little friend turned into a mafia don, like with like a little kid. I'm assuming this would be worse. And I at this point, now, I'm not lying to you. Now my left arm is stiff. And I'm having I'm having shoulder pain. I think I'm just I am so upset about what happened to you that I'm like, I'm turning myself into a knot. Like, it's, I go through this. Every after dark episode ends with me walking out of this room, like out like fanning my face. And like, spritzing myself with water. It's, it's incredibly valuable to hear these stories. And it's hard to be the person that asked the questions about them. Because it's, I think if you just started talking, and I was listening, I'd say, uh huh, uh huh. Oh, I'm sorry. That's horrible. Like, it would go on like that forever. Right. But because I'm trying to listen along and ask you questions to understand better. I just feel too involved that and all of a sudden, so Well,

Unknown Speaker 42:40
you're, you're doing great. Don't

Unknown Speaker 42:43
get me feel better scenarios. No, I

Anonymous Speaker 42:45
do know, like, legitimately, no. And I really, you know, I appreciate it. Because I think it's, like I keep saying like, it's something that's so unfortunately, so common, and yet it's so not spoken about whatsoever. Actually, when when it happened. I my go to, like coping mechanism is like researching things I like to know. I'm like, Okay, well, what can I learn about this? Right? There's nothing there's like borderline nothing out there. I mean, there's some stuff right. But um, you know, that's one of the reasons why I really wanted to talk about it, because there's not much out there. So, point being, you're doing great.

Scott Benner 43:23
Well, thank you. I just saw I just googled the words rate of sexual when you get to that point. Yeah, it comes up assault, assault on college campuses, assault in prison, something else? How common is sexual assault in college 2019 Associates of America University survey on sexual assault and misconduct polled over 50 150,000 students at 27 universities and data revealed that there's a 13% non consensual sexual conduct.

Anonymous Speaker 43:52
And that's, and that's probably not even collecting the whole thing. Like I never reported this to anybody. Right. Right. Like and I think I would assume most people don't. The vast majority. So yeah, it's, it's, it's really, unfortunately, common.

Unknown Speaker 44:09
It really is. And,

Unknown Speaker 44:10
and,

Anonymous Speaker 44:11
you know, the things that I think what makes it so hard to talk about is the things that you're met with are so horrible, like the things that people say, you know, I had, I even had I didn't mention, I, the first therapist, I went to straight up told me, granted, before I tell you what she told me, I skimmed over a large portion of the story, right. But I lead with that I had been assaulted. And she said,

Unknown Speaker 44:42
Yeah,

Anonymous Speaker 44:43
I don't really think that that was that bad. I'm not even kidding. Right? And how had a very the car conversation was very focused on while you were drinking, right? So you get met with these things. And please don't take that as a like, you know, A negative of therapy therapy's been fantastic that one person sucked. But since then it's been fantastic. But, you know, so you're met with these. That's what you're met with a lot of the time when you do try to talk about it or try to, like, find things about it. You know, it's it's people

Scott Benner 45:17
looking for ways to stop it from happening in their mind. And so they ask you questions that are incredibly insulting and hurtful.

Anonymous Speaker 45:26
Yeah. And it's and it's people. Yeah, it's people coping, they're trying to they're trying to make sure well, if I don't do that, it'll never happen to me, or it'll never happen to my kid or whatever. Right? Um, you know, but that's

Scott Benner 45:37
definitely I don't think it needs to be said that just because your neighbor created doesn't mean you've given up your rights. Like, that's not how the world works. And it just, it seems like, I mean, it's it, that's a pretty heavy prevalence on a college campus. So I'm assuming what you do is you take, you take boys, at this very certain age, when they are just overwhelmed with, you know, hormones and craziness. And this ability to be, you know, to be drinking for the first time or doing drugs for the first time or all this stuff. And then you mix it with the fact that a certain percentage of the population are criminal assholes. And now, like, you know, all the other boys find a way to handle it. You know what I mean? Like, everyone else knows how to hear no, and stop themselves. And this person's not even worried about that. They that that wasn't even their concern. Their concern was, I'm going to do this terrible thing. And, you know, we don't, I don't know the person, you don't know the person, if it was for what the reasons were, but none of the reasons are obviously, okay. But but it's just the point of made me feel like I made I was making the point to somebody This is years ago. Why is it? Why is this happening? This has to anyway, hold on a second? Oh, I have to take this. This is gonna be really weird. Hold on a second. Okay. Hello.

Word, I'm going to say I'm sorry that I don't usually have to stop in the middle like that. But that was, I appreciate that. Okay, so. So I think we've pretty much well established, there are terrible people in the world, and they're really well, and they're really lovely people in the world. And that, for some reason, when terrible things happen, we seem to turn to the lovely people and ask them how they got to that situation.

Unknown Speaker 47:28
So true,

Scott Benner 47:28
really crazy. Like no one goes and finds the bad guy and goes, Hey, how come you're an ass? You know, like, why are you or why you're a terrible criminal. The end and have no like concern for people like what is wrong with you? We just go to you when we go. Should you have been drinking? Really?

Unknown Speaker 47:44
Right. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 47:45
yeah, you know,

Anonymous Speaker 47:46
that's very true. I like that one. I'm gonna use that. Talk to my students.

Scott Benner 47:49
It's really it's ridiculous. And but, but you know why it helps or why that why it happens, excuse me, is because those people are busy hiding somewhere. Right? You're, you're you're the one that's standing up and going, Hey, this is me. Let's talk about what's going on. They're the one who's hiding and pretending that they're that they're not,

Unknown Speaker 48:07
they don't exist.

Scott Benner 48:08
So right, yeah. So they're just trying to pretend they're not doing that. And, and I have to tell you that if I'm sure someone else has tried to absolve you already, but you can't be responsible for someone else's bad behavior. Like, you don't I mean, that's just, I see what you're saying. But I don't even know what you would do. Like, what would you do now? You don't I mean, like, even if you got it into you right now, as an adult, 20 years later, you're saying, what are we six, seven years past that? Seven? Yeah. What are you gonna do?

Anonymous Speaker 48:39
Right, exactly. And, you know, and also thinking of myself as at that age, like, you're 20 years old, you don't know what you're doing.

Unknown Speaker 48:48
Right? Like,

Unknown Speaker 48:48
I don't know, I don't even know I was half a person at that point.

Scott Benner 48:51
Do you ever wonder if you approach that person right now and said to them, You did this to me? Do you ever wonder if they would think that they did?

Anonymous Speaker 49:01
I have wondered that. I can't imagine what the response would be to be perfectly honest. Yeah. I don't know.

Scott Benner 49:07
Like, if you had a truth serum, and they answered, would they just be like, yes, I did that I'm a massive.

Anonymous Speaker 49:12
I wonder. No, I honestly, I think it would just deny till the grave. I really do think that I don't I mean, I don't know. Right. Like I never confronted about it or anything.

Scott Benner 49:23
No, it was he was he altered to I couldn't tell you. I don't know if he didn't know. Yeah,

Anonymous Speaker 49:28
I find personally I men I find hard to tell if they're drunk or not.

Unknown Speaker 49:34
I don't know why I just really do and personally might be because we're sort of asked to begin with it's hard.

Unknown Speaker 49:38
It could be it

Anonymous Speaker 49:42
could be Um, oh, but then I could go into like how this affected diabetes.

Scott Benner 49:48
That's exactly what the rest of this is about. So good. Okay, so we'll

Anonymous Speaker 49:51
get off the horrible horrible train here. Um, it doesn't get much but no kidding.

Scott Benner 49:57
Can you imagine? It was pretty much a downfall after that. Scott,

Unknown Speaker 50:01
life still sucks.

Unknown Speaker 50:03
Um,

Anonymous Speaker 50:04
but yeah, so, so from there. Yeah, I mean, I was, you know, it's funny. It's like, it's like, you know those diabetes burnout. I was just burnt out of life like me like I don't that's not funny but like, but I really was like it was just like, you know, coping with that was just crazy. And then trying to do diabetes, I would just, you know, I didn't have a CGM at that point. So at that point, I'm on Omni pod and you know, regular checking your blood sugar, and I'd be like, Oh, am I okay? take insulin. Oh, okay. Like just this very, very cloudy. Yeah, cloudy, like very district like, like, okay, going through the motions kind of thing. And I made adjustments and everything. But it was just, oh, yeah, diabetes, a thing that happened

Scott Benner 50:55
five times a day. So that PTSD that just hangs over you. 24 seven that

Anonymous Speaker 51:00
oh, my God, it was awful. Yeah, that was, so what happens, I learned later, you're basically in that fight or flight mode all the time. Like, all the time, your, you know, your nervous system is jacked up. And so everything skipped like, like, the door would open I jumped out of my skin, like just it was, you know, just like you're constantly like, need to be running away from something, you know. And so, how that impacted my blood sugar's was crazy, right? Like, you know, you've talked about like adrenaline with with basketball games, it was like constant though, like 24 hours a day. So I do remember, my insulin needs going up quite a bit afterward, like at like, I would say, I don't know, months afterwards. And then when we get me was I started having like, actual panic attacks. Specifically surrounding surrounding sex would have, so that's great. So that was really fun. Like, oh, let's have sex. Oh, just kidding. We're having a panic attack instead, like that was really beautiful. Um, but so that would drive up either if it depended on the day, it would either drive my blood sugar up or crash. And so that was fantastic to work with. But basically, so this went on for a couple of years. And then I finally I don't know, three, four years later, my therapist strongly recommended that I tried eating anxiety medication, which I was like, which I finally agreed to, and best decision I ever made, like Honest to God, it was night and day. I was like, Oh, this is how normal people feel. And my insulin needs went down my I stopped having these like, really funky like, rises in my blood sugar. Yeah, so that really helped tremendously.

Scott Benner 53:10
Can I ask when you're trying to be intimate with another person, then you have a panic attack in that situation? How much of that you how much of the reason why do you tell them?

Unknown Speaker 53:19
I'm so

Anonymous Speaker 53:23
I'm. So the guy I was dating at the time. It was a that that relationship was interesting. So I mean, I was finding this out as I was dating him. So that was just a very strange dynamic. Yeah, I consider eventually tell him about it. But I hadn't remember the whole thing. So I was confused about it. So that was tough. We eventually that that relationship was a dumpster fires

Unknown Speaker 53:56
eventually broke up. This

Scott Benner 53:57
is not the bedrock that a solid relationship. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 54:00
yeah. No,

Unknown Speaker 54:01
the world is

Anonymous Speaker 54:02
happier that we broke up, like the world told me,

Unknown Speaker 54:05
you know, but

Anonymous Speaker 54:08
the guy I'm dating now to answer your question, um, I told him pretty early on. And it went beautifully. Like it is. He's been absolutely fantastic about it. Granted, it only happens like very few and far between nowadays. But yeah, so I so I told him about it. And I said, like, hey, this might happen, FYI. So that was fun starting a relationship where I was like, Oh, so you know, I were an insulin pump. And also, I might panic while we have sex, like it's fine.

Unknown Speaker 54:45
You might peel me off the ceiling at some point.

Unknown Speaker 54:48
Yeah. Like it's a treat to date.

Scott Benner 54:50
Like, it'll be great to treat the date me. If you ever seen a cat trade? This is what I'm gonna look like on the top of the bed. Just so you understand. Right? Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 54:58
that's pretty much what it's like not gonna lie. Yeah,

Scott Benner 55:01
I'm just imagining it must be a physical reaction. You must recoil, right?

Anonymous Speaker 55:05
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And it, that's how it stopped. Like, with my, my, the guy I'm currently dating, um, it started that way it was, whoop, get out of here, like run out the door, right? And it's slowly became like, easier to just like, not take off and just like kind of get through it and come back. And

Scott Benner 55:29
yeah. Does it help you to talk about this in such a normal way because it occurs to me while we're talking. Like, I like the thing that I thought to make a joke just now. And I stopped myself I was like, I thought to myself, like, you imagine, like, you're just like, hanging out, and then all of a sudden, you're just barasch running out of the room, like, you know, like, on the way here going the other way. And then I'm like, No, that's the wrong thing to say in this situation.

Anonymous Speaker 55:54
It's fine. Now, like, if you said that to me, like

Unknown Speaker 55:57
five years ago.

Anonymous Speaker 56:01
But no, like, I mean, I've, I've, it's so at this point. It's so few and far between, there's like a few things that still get me. And so No, it's fine. I think you'll get through those inappropriate jokes.

Scott Benner 56:16
I just didn't want to, but the end of my thought was, is that at some point, someone needs to treat you like a normal person. Right and not and not tiptoe around you, or you're never going to be able to get past them. Do you think there is getting past the rest of it?

Anonymous Speaker 56:29
Oh, yeah. 100%? Absolutely. Especially being in such like, I'm in such a good. Like, I'm just in a good place right now. My relationships. Great. I feel, you know, 100% supported with it. And so yeah, definitely, I think the last little lingering bit. Yeah, I think it'll, it'll go away at some point.

Scott Benner 56:52
Well, are you still working with a therapist?

Anonymous Speaker 56:54
Yeah, yeah. I tell her that. I mean, I have to see her until either she dies or I die. So hopefully she's in it

Scott Benner 57:02
for the we're not getting out of this. You know, we're going out together. Exactly. No, I think that's obviously a valuable idea. And the guy and I mean, how much of it just being a good guy also helps to although credit to the other one. Somebody had to be first. And at least, at least he wasn't somebody that you like, head over heels loved. But you couldn't get through this part with like, at least it was a disposable relationship to begin with. And you got you don't mean like you got something that you really did, you got to move forward from it. So

Unknown Speaker 57:34
if you're looking for a positive data, you know, this is not how relationships are supposed to go.

Scott Benner 57:40
Yes. But I'm saying at least you That was the kind of guy you got on that one. While you were busy figuring out what happened to you imagine if you would have met this nice guy right now. And not been able to like, stick around to

Unknown Speaker 57:54
see how it went. You know what I mean? So Right, right. No, that's very true.

Scott Benner 57:57
Yeah. So he was valuable in that sense. So you had these incredible, like, spikes of like consistent blood sugar problems, the anxiety, anxiety medication took that away for you, which is amazing. And I think anyone listening who has anxiety should be hearing that and paying attention. Because if you're, you know, like, when in the course of the conversations, the podcast, you talked about things like, you know, adrenaline from sports, or activity or something like that, or have been people have talked about, like, blood sugar spiking or dropping during sex and stuff like that, like times when your body you know, goes into these different modes. But if you're in that mode, 20 473 65 Yeah, like, that's just terrible. You must just physically feel better now to write

Anonymous Speaker 58:43
Oh, my God. Yeah, I feel like I can breathe. Like I just, that's the best way I could describe it. Like, it was just like, the world was just very terrifying to me. Like, everything freaked me out, right. Like, it's, it's just night and day, and I feel like, right, and I feel like myself again, because I wasn't. I mean, I was always an anxious person, but not like that. Like that was a little

Scott Benner 59:03
Yeah, you lost. You lost in real time in your life. Right. So you lost time. Like there's just wasted time in these? Oh, yeah.

Unknown Speaker 59:12
Oh, yeah. 100%

Scott Benner 59:14
Oh, yeah. Well, you're just existing and staying alive. And yeah. Yeah, that sucks. It really does. I mean, I would imagine beyond the emotional stress, there's got to be actual physical tension to

Anonymous Speaker 59:28
Oh, my God. Yeah. My I finally, like, my shoulders are always like, total knots. And in this past year, they finally chilled out.

Unknown Speaker 59:39
It's like, they feel like extra shoulders again.

Scott Benner 59:42
That's, that's nice. I mean, it's nice. Because we, you know, we said at the beginning, you're in your late 20s. But you're not. No, no. You're right there. But yeah, but I mean, trying to highside this. Yeah, you did get through the worst of it. It seems like in relative short order. I mean, it's doesn't feel like short order because it's your life and you lost yours. But when you stand back 75 years old and look at this, you'll think, oh, there were a couple years in my 20s, where this was a real problem, but I got through it, and I just kept moving forward from there. You know, yeah.

Anonymous Speaker 1:00:16
And I, you know, it did some, I mean, I certainly I would rather that not have happened, but, you know, it did. It helped me realize I wanted to become a counselor, first off, just going through therapy, I was like, Oh, this is cool. You know, and, and I think it just gave me such a greater empathy. For other people, like, you know, this, I was 20, right. And this happens to kids. And unfortunately, we don't need to go down that path. But, you know, it happens to like, you know, very traumatic things happen. So lots of people. So I think it just gave me, you know, such greater empathy for other people and, and not to mention, like better understanding of like, when you're going through something very traumatic, like, what it's like to try to come out of it. So, you know, it, it did give me a lot to work with. It gave me a lot of like, clarity on what I wanted to do. So, some good definitely came out of it, for sure. Well,

Scott Benner 1:01:21
I mean, that's nice. I feel weird saying that. anything good?

Anonymous Speaker 1:01:26
No, I know. And that's what I said to do. I was like, I was like, I don't want to say like, yeah, it was fun.

Scott Benner 1:01:30
Yeah, thank God, this happened. I never would have had this perspective. But yeah, I you probably can't just live without the perspective. moving in a bubble, right, gained it slowly over time, the way everyone else gets it, you know? Exactly. But But I mean, what it made me think of when you were just talking is that, you know, everybody my age knows, the kids start coming home from college like you, your, your, your children, your children's friends, they come home, just imagine that every time. You know, you ask 10 girls how school going? It's possible that 13% of them have, like, been through an assault. Yeah, like, That's insane. It's crazy. You know what I mean? More than one in 10 people can say, oh, that something like this has happened to me. And, you know, you're sending your, you know, your daughters are heading off to college. And this just can't be I mean, we could go down the roads, how? And, you know, of course, people should, you know, people need to, like, evaluate their sons better. You don't I mean, like, you all know, your kids like, quirky, like getting weird or like, you know, by himself, like, say something like, send them the therapy before. Something like this happens, you know, like, don't just stick your head in the sand when you notice your kids a malcontent. Like seriously, I mean, I know you're not a parent, you're kind of younger, but everyone knows I'm not saying you know, somebody is going to assault somebody, but you can tell when your kids a little weird, like, do something for them. Don't just let them go out into the world. I'll twist it up like that. Yeah, a mess. Do something because they're gonna go meet somebody else. They're gonna meet somebody's daughter and somebody's son, and you know, and, and have these monstrous ideas in their heads. And you know, Jesus Christ, like, Fuck, do something. Don't just look at him and go, Oh, he just likes knives. Yeah, I don't know what that mean.

Unknown Speaker 1:03:26
He just like,

Scott Benner 1:03:27
figure it out. You know, figure it out. I know, Joe, he doesn't need a 13th tarantula in his in his cage. Like, I don't know what it is like, when you see something? That seems like a little off go. Let me find out here.

Unknown Speaker 1:03:41
What's going on here? Exactly. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Maybe Maybe it is alter Angeles. Who knows?

Scott Benner 1:03:47
I don't know why. I'm just saying when something seems wrong. They say something you don't I mean, do something. Don't just sit there and hope it gets better. People do that with their health they do with all kinds of things. They're like, Oh, I noticed that six months ago. Why didn't you do anything? I don't mean I don't understand. Like, yeah, yeah.

Anonymous Speaker 1:04:06
And I think, you know, it's just being in debt and, and not a fault counselor. But like, you know, like, being a school, like having a background in school counseling, I think, you know, I think that's the importance of, of counseling, like to begin with personally like, and I mean, I know, I'm super biased in that sense, but, you know, it's so that when you're, you're reaching those kids when they're kids, hopefully, right, like so that you're not becoming this monster, right. I don't know. So Well, I think it goes I think goes both ways, if that makes sense.

Scott Benner 1:04:43
It does. And also there are people who have thought that they haven't acted on yet. I mean, I don't know how difficult this is to say but like, ask for help. Like, tell somebody like I'm having thoughts that I believe are not okay. You know, like, I need to talk to somebody about it. And right, exactly, just because you're not going to win when there's a problem like that inside, you're not going to keep it down forever. And you know, and if you're hearing this now and you're feeling that way, like you could stop yourself before you're hurt somebody, you know, it's a it's a big deal to try to take responsibility even when things feel out of control. It's sometimes it's the first step to finding control.

Unknown Speaker 1:05:24
I don't know absolutely. No, no, you're right. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:05:27
I know. It's Friday. You got me. You got me. I don't know what to do. Now. I just.

Anonymous Speaker 1:05:37
Yeah, true. Okay. Well, I don't know sometimes, like, cut off. Like, I don't know, it's like a different land.

Scott Benner 1:05:46
Do you ever notice rain sometimes can't cross a body of water? Yeah. Right. Ever see that? Like you drive over a bridge. It's raining on one side. And on the other side?

Unknown Speaker 1:05:55
I love him. That happens. Pretty cool.

Scott Benner 1:05:57
Anyway, Alright, so what are we not telling people that we should be telling them at this point, like, so? Obviously, stress and anxiety can come from a lot of different things, but directly from PTSD, it's gonna have a massive impact on your blood sugars. You know, you you endured something terrible, that kind of put you into a fog for a long time. So I'm assuming your blood sugars weren't all that important to you, like you said, you just like give yourself some insulin and move along. Yeah. And that was it. What do you do? Like, what do you see as you're moving forward? What are your short term goals, I guess for yourself

Anonymous Speaker 1:06:39
in terms of diabetes, or just in general, I

Scott Benner 1:06:41
think in terms of like, getting you to a place where you're where this feels like a terrible thing that happened a long time ago in your it doesn't.

Anonymous Speaker 1:06:53
I would say it already does. Honestly. I think like there's that last little residual thing I got going on that I need to, that I would like to continue to work on. But other than that, I think my goal for a while has been and I've been working towards is just like, really being focused on maintaining, you know, like doing things that are stress relieving, because that's what I learned over these years is that over over this whole incident is that stress exacerbates the hell out of PTSD and, and all an anxiety and all these other things. So I just, you know, I just try to be really cognizant of that, and, and really focus on whatever it is like whether that's, like working out works great for me cooking anything like that, that I always try to have, like, keep in mind as a goal. And I think just being what's the word I'm looking forward? I think just being very aware of, of, like, where I'm at. So I don't end up in that, like really foggy space, if that makes sense. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:08:12
seeing the edge of this slippery slope and doing something before you fall too far.

Unknown Speaker 1:08:17
Yeah,

Anonymous Speaker 1:08:18
cuz it was just like, for so long, I was just kind of like, in survival mode and going through the motions. And so I think, like, if I just being really aware of if I start slipping in that direction, like, Whoa, what's going on? You know? Yeah, I think that's how, you know, how I continue to move forward. And I think, you know, I'm glad that I was able to talk about it here, too. I really do like the idea of kind of being more of an advocate in the space. When it's, you know, when it's okay, when it's an okay, space to do it. Like, I don't, I don't need to talk to crazy people on the internet or anything. But you know,

Scott Benner 1:08:57
I'm, I'm really kind of overwhelmed that you think this is a good place to do something like this, but I

Anonymous Speaker 1:09:02
do know, I really, truly do like I, you know, I just think you've created such a such a supportive environment. Like, especially like I'm pretty active in the Facebook group. And I think that it's few and far between that I see anything that's not supportive.

Unknown Speaker 1:09:21
And I don't know, I

Anonymous Speaker 1:09:23
think I think it's just an open minded bunch that you that you created here.

Scott Benner 1:09:27
That's very nice to you. Thank you. I'm very proud of it. So that's excellent. Ah, can I ask you a question? Of course, how do you? What's the best way? What is the way or how do I want to ask my question? I'm assuming that being intimate now for you, you need to be a little in control. Like I'm wondering, I'm wondering about best practices for people who have been through what you're through or even for the guys that are with them. Like, what's that dance like?

Anonymous Speaker 1:09:57
Oh, that's a great question. Um, I'm thinking, yeah, to it. Yes, being in control 100% important. I think it's a combination of like identifying what it is that triggers for you.

Unknown Speaker 1:10:15
Like,

Anonymous Speaker 1:10:17
I'm trying to give an example. I know for me, like, I still, if I have, I'm not a big drinker, but if I do have a drink or two, I have a really hard time having sex. So I know that going into it. So that's something at this point, I'm just avoiding. And I think just really having really open communication with your partner and finding someone who's really willing to work on it with you, because it's, you know, it's a big hurdle. But the person I'm dating right now, I don't I don't feel like in that space, like, I don't feel that way. Because he's so supportive

Scott Benner 1:10:53
it is it not as specific as Hey, I'm gonna put my hand on your leg now. Like, is the whole thing feel like it's like a talking book? Or? Hi, should we move closer to the pillow? Like that?

Unknown Speaker 1:11:09
No, not now.

Anonymous Speaker 1:11:10
I mean, honest to God, though. Like when it first happened, like, someone had their arm around me. And I wanted to just combust. Like, it was awful. Like so. But now No, not at all. But But I mean, if there's something we wanted to do, that was like new, I would need to just kind of wrap my head around at first a little bit.

Scott Benner 1:11:29
We talk about a first it's not something that would happen in the in the moment kind of thing.

Anonymous Speaker 1:11:33
Exactly. And there's, there's certain things like, like, obviously, like, I do not like having my arms pinned down. That's not a thing. That's okay. Because I need to be able to deck him at any point. He knows that that's why, like, in case I need to punch you. He's like, Okay,

Unknown Speaker 1:11:47
what my arms free in case I have to punch you in the face. Yeah. Just in case. By the way, you're gonna punch him don't punch him in the face. There's better places.

Unknown Speaker 1:11:56
Right, I always was gonna go for the face.

Scott Benner 1:11:59
Some people can take a shot to the head. So.

Unknown Speaker 1:12:03
Exactly.

Scott Benner 1:12:03
Okay, so just, you know, a lot of communication. Yeah, like you lead the way. You know, identify things that are bad ideas and just avoid them.

Anonymous Speaker 1:12:14
Pretty much and like, you know, when you I think it's important to work through the things that you're avoiding, but do it Be patient that is my other recommendation is be really, really patient don't I mean, I I'm not patient with myself, I would, I would say, and I would get all bent out of shape. I'm like, Well, why isn't this working? I should be over this right. You know, give it take it takes time. Yeah. But uh, you know, you can get through it.

Scott Benner 1:12:41
I would imagine it takes as much time as it takes. Exactly. Yeah. And that you can't rush your way through it. Okay. All right. Is there anything that we didn't talk about that we should have? I know, you said you wrote some stuff down.

Anonymous Speaker 1:12:52
Oh, my God, I think we hit everything. No. I can't imagine anything else. I'm, I'm looking. I

Scott Benner 1:12:59
feel so accomplish when people say that, by the way, because I have no plan. So I'm just like, wow, that I actually get through the salient details of this.

Anonymous Speaker 1:13:09
Oh, yeah. No, I think I think we hit I'm just looking okay. Yeah, no, I think we had everything I think. I think also, like, I do have have one thing, it's kind of, I think with this salt piece, it's it's also tied. You know, you know how and I've heard people say, on a podcast, when you get diagnosed with diabetes, it's like, everyone kind of treats you like, it's that club. They want don't want to be in there like, Oh, right. And so I think, like, I think with the soul, it's the same kind of thing. But that's why and I started sound like a broken record. I keep bringing this up, but that's why I think it's important to bring up you know, so that it's not that oh, I don't know what to do or say about that. That's ugly. Right. So that it becomes something that's easier to to discuss. Other than that, no, I think we hit everything.

Scott Benner 1:14:05
Okay. I think you need to avoid, you know, it's just gonna sound disjointed, but I think it's like when you meet somebody and you know, somebody, not the first time you meet them, but you know, somebody who has like a serious health condition like like, say, somebody has cancer, like you can't just be around someone who has cancer, and never it comes up because then it just seems completely obvious that you're ignoring it. And that is as uncomfortable as talking about it sometimes. And so, is that what you're saying? Like you can't just like treat you like this never happened if you're a close friend or a confidant or something like that, like it has to be if it's appropriate conversation, that keeping it quiet is just as bad as if it were to come up. Is that the idea?

Anonymous Speaker 1:14:49
Yeah, exactly. And and at the same time, and this is a lot to ask with people right but at the same time, balancing the fact that that one bad thing isn't your full identity. Like, like someone who has cancer, like, that's not everything about them. They're still a person. Right? Like, I think, you know, just having finding that balance. And I think, you know, in my last relationship, when I told him about it, that was very important to me. I was like, I don't want this to be everything you think about me, like, you know? You know, so I, so I think it's, it's just important to have that balance, too.

Scott Benner 1:15:26
I can't, it's no different than you just people struggle with them seeing their children as diabetes sometimes. Exactly. Right. They just look at them. Like how's your blood sugar? Are you okay? Are you dizzy and the you're missing? The person you're seeing that? You don't want? You don't want who you are to be? Not so it should be centerstage who you are. That

Anonymous Speaker 1:15:47
way. There's Yeah, there's so much more to you than then just then diabetes. Yeah, whatever else you got going on? Because most people got other stuff going on,

Scott Benner 1:15:55
too. Right. I got it. I think I understand. Okay. Yeah. Well, you done a really wonderful thing here. And I can't thank you enough. I mean, just that it was your idea. You know, it's funny, somebody to go down a slightly different road. I was explaining something to somebody today. And they said, Where do you get your guests from? And I was like, I don't get my guests. They, they come to me. And, and she's like, what I'm like, well, there's like, every once in a while, like I said, you know, I'm I'm doing an eating series, and I needed somebody who ate ate in a very specific way. And I had to go out in the world and look for them. I was like, but everybody you hear on the podcast, wanted to be on the podcast, like they think they came to me. And, and so like stories like yours, or, you know, you and I were talking about it before it started the girl that came on and talked about opioid addiction. Like you don't know what a big deal that is, because she was the fourth person who approached me about talking about opioid addiction, and the first three for a number of different reasons. Couldn't get to record it. And she did. And, you know, so topics like this are difficult, you know, it's obviously, they're incredibly hard to talk about. They're difficult to listen to sometimes. But they're important. And it takes people who are brave like you to step up and talk about them. And it's just a really big deal to me that you chose to do it with me. I really appreciate it. Oh, well, thank

Anonymous Speaker 1:17:22
you. Yeah, no, and I and I, like I said, I think you've made such a supportive space to even do so I felt comfortable reaching out to, even though I feel like I know you because I listened to you all the time, but just basically talking to a stranger,

Unknown Speaker 1:17:37
about this horrible thing.

Unknown Speaker 1:17:40
But here we are.

Scott Benner 1:17:42
It really does feel like that. It feels like what if I just picked up the phone, dial random numbers, got somebody on the phone and started telling you about like my medical issue, like, Hey,

Unknown Speaker 1:17:52
I'm like, I'm thinking about it. I'm like, Oh, yeah, I'm

Anonymous Speaker 1:17:54
gonna talk to this guy. I feel like I know, because I listened to him. But basically this random guy on zoom,

Scott Benner 1:17:59
literally a random person, and they're going to record it and then let a lot of people listen to it. So right, what a great decision I've made here. But no, it's the knowledge you're going to help somebody. It's funny. When I made the joke about calling somebody with a health problem, I thought to make up a health problem. And then I thought no matter which one I make up people listening are gonna think I really have it. So I just didn't make a joke. I was like, oh, if I joke about that people like, oh, he has that. I was like, Oh, I can't do it. But no, I mean, it's just, it's a weird. I mean, the mediums amazing. Like, like, seriously, think about what you just talked about 15 years ago, you would have had to have been on 60 minutes to tell this story. Yeah, seriously, the world did not work like this before, before you could make a podcast. And and so people didn't hear these things. And they didn't hear them with any frequency. Like I think it's it's, you know, the first time there's an after dark episode, which by the way, I even hate calling them those. I hate calling them after dark, because I don't think that they should be in the dark. I just think that that's how people see them. So

Anonymous Speaker 1:19:04
yeah, I think it's good. Just like you're saying, God forbid a kid is listening to it.

Scott Benner 1:19:10
Yeah, I don't want something wrong. And so I have to kind of brand it so that people understand it. Some people are much easily, much more easily triggered than others. So they should have an opportunity to know what it is they're getting into. Right? Like your episodes not going to have a fun title where they get,

Unknown Speaker 1:19:25
you know, so unfortunate.

Anonymous Speaker 1:19:29
That would be really awful. If they were like, Oh, this is about I don't know.

Scott Benner 1:19:33
Yeah, plants. Yeah. You don't want to like get halfway in and go, Oh, gosh, I didn't. I didn't mean to be here. And I didn't even realize that until someone someone said to me very recently about one of the afterdark that I think is terrific. I think it's one of them without drugs. She's like, Hey, I can't listen to that. Oh, and I was like, Oh, well, I'm glad that it was clearly marked because I didn't reckon I didn't think anybody would because I don't have an issue with it. I just imagine nobody would but but my point is is that story Like this, you know, didn't get told with frequency. And you might not be the last one like someone else, I have to tell you, the first time I interviewed somebody who had bipolar disorder, I thought, well, that'll never happen again. Except I'm editing another show now with a person who has bipolar disorder, because they heard the first person and they were like, hey, my story's a little different. Let me tell you mine. And I was like, That's amazing. So you might not be the last person I talked to about something like this. And I think that's how we, I think that's how we get to the things you talked about, like treat people normally know what to do know what to look for. Because you mean, you You gave a lot of good tips here today about how to how to sniff out a creepy person.

Unknown Speaker 1:20:43
I don't know that.

Scott Benner 1:20:44
You know what, because when you're a decent person, you just think other people are decent.

Anonymous Speaker 1:20:49
I know it's not. Yeah, that's so the truth is,

Scott Benner 1:20:53
I just don't imagine anybody screwing with me. Because I'm not screwing with anybody.

Anonymous Speaker 1:20:59
And that's Yeah. And that's how I am now. Like, I'm just, this person's probably screwing with me. But also like, I'm such a I'm such a sucker for balance, but also balancing that was like, not everyone's out to get you but they might be. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 1:21:17
Got it going for it. correction. Did

Scott Benner 1:21:19
this cause any strange correction of like, how you like, did you do do anything oddly differently than June before? Like, is your pace is your purse like full of mace and guns and things like that, like your brass knuckles with you like, or have you not gone that direction?

Unknown Speaker 1:21:38
You know,

Anonymous Speaker 1:21:38
I do I run and I do bring pepper spray with me. That is the only thing I can think of it. Yeah, it I would say yeah, like I do. Like, if I'm getting in an elevator, it's just me and one other person. I'm like, just one other person. Right. Like, it's that kind of stuff. But I wouldn't say it, like completely changed me as a person. But it it did make me a lot more aware.

Scott Benner 1:22:02
If it makes you more aware of your size.

Unknown Speaker 1:22:05
Yes, it did.

Scott Benner 1:22:06
Okay,

Anonymous Speaker 1:22:07
it definitely did. Yeah, I didn't realize how small I was until. And I'm not, you know, I'm sure I'm not like a little skinny toothpick or anything by any means. But I was like, Oh, all right.

Scott Benner 1:22:20
There's just a disparity between generally speaking between men and women's like, strength in size. And, and the way it occurred to me is like Arden's five, seven. She's one of the tallest girls, like, in her high school, as an example. But she, but but you know, like, she'll tell me at home because she's the shortest person in the house. She feels small.

Anonymous Speaker 1:22:43
On the phone, and I actually got Sorry, I was I was at the gym the other day. And I'm like, doing like lifting weights in a mirror. And I'm like, I am so freaking short. like looking at the other people. There's like, there's like, these women are about five, seven. And I'm like, Oh my god, I look like a literal midget in comparison. I had no way like, I don't know.

Scott Benner 1:23:04
I mean, it's just that we joke around like my wife's five, nine. And yeah, she's and she's strong. And she'll like every once in a while. She's like, I could take you and I one time I said to her, I was like, Listen, this is not an adversarial thing. I was like, but speaking seriously, if you and I got into some sort of a death feud. I knock your head off. You know that right? And she was like, No, and I'm like, No, you. It's not the same thing. Like I know, that's weird. Like, I'm not an overpoweringly menacingly, large man. But I could I could easily overpower my wife.

Anonymous Speaker 1:23:36
Oh, yeah, this is the ongoing fight between me and my boyfriend because I keep telling him I could take him but I know for real I get it.

Scott Benner 1:23:43
Yeah, no, it's unfortunate. But but that's the thing that some women have to actually live with, like the knowledge that there are other people in the world that can overpower me if they want to. Yeah, like and you'd have to be a lot bigger than me to overpower me if you were a guy. Like I'm not saying it couldn't happen. But I'd stand a fighting chance, you know what I mean? And, and that's just I was wondering if the if that has become kind of, you know, front and center in your mind now that that this has happened? I just Well,

Unknown Speaker 1:24:12
yeah, definitely more than it ever was for sure.

Scott Benner 1:24:14
Yeah. Cuz you just don't. Like I said before until you there's a point in your life where you don't imagine anything Bad's ever gonna happen to you. I know. It's not fun, you know? And at that moment, you're just like, I'm me and you're just rolling around you know, five 310 pounds like I can I can conquer everybody like meanwhile most people get back and you and knock you over. You just don't you don't think of it that way.

Anonymous Speaker 1:24:37
I'm glad you're envisioning me as 110 pounds. That's

Unknown Speaker 1:24:39
great. Keep keep thinking.

Scott Benner 1:24:45
Now, I was just going for a weight that I felt like I could easily back here and actually what I said,

Anonymous Speaker 1:24:49
Oh, got it. No, we can pretend it's me. That's

Scott Benner 1:24:52
that there's a comedian that has that joke. Like you know, like, you know, I could overpower everyone in my house at the same time. You Like, and no one thinks that way about it. And I just don't. I wonder if men listening can understand because they don't have this feeling. It's kind of why I'm talking about this. Yeah, the women in your life. Some of them more than others are, are painfully aware that in a physical situation, they'd likely be overwhelmed, and how and how frightening that must be to have to live that way. Oh, yeah, my point, you know, and guys, generally speaking, don't have to live that way. Although I know some guys that you know, I mean, honestly, you kick their ass easily. They wouldn't stand any chance. I'm thinking

Unknown Speaker 1:25:38
I should fight them.

Scott Benner 1:25:39
I'm literally thinking of three people right now that I think could be beaten by a small child. So Alright, this has gotten off the rails. And there are going to be some people like you can't joke around with the end of an episode about stuff like this, but I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to get the tension out of my chest.

Unknown Speaker 1:25:54
No, you can you can joke around for

Anonymous Speaker 1:25:57
sure. It's fine. I like sweated out at least 20 pounds right now. During this conversation,

Unknown Speaker 1:26:01
I made sure I made you close your window too. So it's even worse.

Unknown Speaker 1:26:04
Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly. All

Scott Benner 1:26:06
right. Well, thank you very much. Hold on one second. Okay. Okay.

I'd like to thank the person who this episode very much. And thank all of you for listening to her story. Again, if you need help rainn.org are a i n n dot o RG or 1-800-656-4673. One 800 656 hope you can get help. 24 seven. I learned a lot in this conversation. But the process of this conversation and the one that came prior taught me something very important. The person you just heard who told this incredibly courageous story. I heard I had already recorded it an hour or more with them just four weeks prior. And I would have had no way of knowing that any of this had ever happened to them. That just kind of kept rattling in my head is she and I were talking that I felt like I had a complete conversation with her that she told me about her life, and that this had happened to her and that there was no sign of it in our previous conversation. Well, that was concerning, honestly. So let me go back again for a second and explain that feeling. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center, which is another place you can go for help. And SV RC, it's an sb rc.org has statistics here. This is from a 2010 Summary Report. Nearly one in five women 18.3% of women and one in 71 men 1.4% of men in the United States have been raped at some time in their lives. This includes completed forced penetration, attempted force penetration, or alcohol or drug facilitated completed penetration. More than half of the female victims of rape reported being raped by an intimate partner and 40.8% by an acquaintance for male victims. More than half 53.4% reported being raped by an acquaintance and 15.1% by a stranger. These statistics go on and on. And they just rang over and over again in my heart. As we were talking today, that this person that I spoke to who had this great happy conversation with me about type one diabetes in their life could have gone through this. And most people will never know. And that made me think about the 18.3% of the women I know. And the 1.4% of men. Okay, well, thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Juicebox Podcast. There'll be more episodes coming this week, a little lighter and less serious. But I again, I really think these conversations are incredibly important and valuable, and I appreciate that you listen and to the person who told me their story today. I am so sorry that I cannot thank you by name, but it means a lot to me that you felt safe doing it here.