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DISCLAIMER: This text is the output of AI based transcribing from an audio recording. Although the transcription is largely accurate, in some cases it is incomplete or inaccurate due to inaudible passages or transcription errors and should not be treated as an authoritative record. Nothing that you read here constitutes advice medical or otherwise. Always consult with a healthcare professional before making changes to a healthcare plan.

Scott Benner 0:00
Here we are back together again, friends for another episode of The Juicebox Podcast.

Marnie is 30 years old. She's had type one since she was 17. Today, we're going to talk about the mental side of type one diabetes a little bit. We're gonna talk about management, some anxiety she had after a tough low. Marnie was embarrassed of her type one as a teen, but today, she does not feel the same way. All of that and much more right now, nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice medical or otherwise. Always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan, don't forget to save 40% off of your entire order at cozy earth.com All you have to do is use the offer code Juicebox at checkout. That's Juicebox at checkout to save 40% at cozy earth.com Are you an adult living with type one or the caregiver of someone who is I'd love it if you would go to T, 1d exchange.org/juice, box and take the survey. When you complete that survey, your answers are used to move type one diabetes research of all kinds. So if you'd like to help with type one research, T, 1d exchange.org/juice, box, when you place your first order for ag one, with my link, you'll get five free travel packs and a free year supply of vitamin D drink. Ag one.com/juice, box. This episode of The Juicebox Podcast is sponsored by Medtronic diabetes and their mini med 780 G system designed to help ease the burden of diabetes management, imagine fewer worries about mis Bolus is or miscalculated carbs thanks to meal detection technology and automatic correction doses, learn more and get started today at Medtronic diabetes.com/juice box. The episode you're listening to is sponsored by us Med, US med.com/juice, box, or call 888-721-1514, you can get your diabetes testing supplies the same way we do from us. Med, you're Marnie. How old are you? I'm 29 soon to be 30. Okay. How old were you when you're diagnosed?

Marnie 2:18
I was 17. I've had diabetes 13 years now. Wow, look at you.

Scott Benner 2:24
Let me move this here off my whiteboard so I can write things

Marnie 2:27
down. I've made some notes. You made notes the stream, yeah, case

Scott Benner 2:31
you don't remember stuff about yourself, yeah, a

Marnie 2:34
bit of that. And also to cull the waffling. So I've got, like, a nice balance, so I've got, I've got some nice notes up.

Scott Benner 2:40
Okay, do you think you're going to be all over the place if you don't have no, I think

Marnie 2:44
so, yeah, yeah. Just like, you know some bullet points, a bullet point everything. So I'm very organized. Okay,

Scott Benner 2:49
all right, well, let's do it then. So how old were you said you were? How old? Like, 17.

Marnie 2:54
Yeah. Okay, yeah. So it was a bit Yeah.

Scott Benner 2:58
And do you have any other people in your family who have type one? Yes, my mom does as well. Do you know how old she was when she was diagnosed? It's weird, because

Marnie 3:07
I've just had a really panicked 20 minute phone call with her before I was like, I need some facts about you, mom. So she was 10 when she was diagnosed, so it was the 70s when she was diagnosed. How old is she now? She is, oh, sorry, mom, 6464

Scott Benner 3:25
Okay, yeah. Do you have other siblings? Yeah. Do you got two sisters as well? Yeah. Do they have hypothyroidism? Yes, my

Marnie 3:33
younger sister does. She's got thyroid issues. My older sister is absolutely fine, and I'm blind as a bat. So we always joke that I really, really got, like, the

Scott Benner 3:44
bad genetics in the face. Your eyesight has not been good. Your whole life

Marnie 3:47
always terrible. Not my whole life, I'd say, sort of early teenage years. It really, really took us off sort of a nose diet.

Scott Benner 3:55
What does terrible mean? Can you see your own nose?

Marnie 3:59
No, not anymore. No, like, I'm very, very short sighted, so cannot see anything, like even my phone. Sort of first thing the morning when I wake up, I have to hold it, like an inch away from my nose. Really tragic. Yes,

Scott Benner 4:10
like, you wear contacts, or, like, real thick glasses.

Marnie 4:14
Well, yeah, I've got contacts because my glasses are an obscene amount of thickness, like proper milk bottle bottom. So, yeah, stick to contact lenses. What's

Scott Benner 4:24
the professor's name in Harry Potter with the really thick glasses? Now, yeah, it's 100%

Marnie 4:30
that vibes when I've got my glasses.

Scott Benner 4:34
Oh yeah. I just figured with your accent, we should just lean right into it. Oh yeah, yeah. How about other, any other medical issues for you?

Marnie 4:41
No, I think me and my sister both started with a bit of Italy go, which I believe is auto immune as well. So we both got that as well. Again. Elder Sister, absolutely fine. So just Yeah, but that's about it really some sort of a health point of view. Okay,

Scott Benner 4:58
so you weren't really growing up. Were. You off to university or off to a job when you were diagnosed, what was happening in your life?

Marnie 5:05
So it was first year of college for us. So it's the two years before you head off to your college university. So it was the first year that sort of left high school, started college. And yeah, it sort of happened over Christmas, really. So I was very, very, very ill in I think it was November. I'd horrendously like, and I didn't I like to pride myself in I don't really get ill that often, and I remember it just absolutely wiped me out. Like couldn't get out of bed. I was so ill. And then that's when the fun, diabetes symptoms started slinking up and appearing but I had a feeling deep, deep down. I think I knew it was diabetes, but I put it off a very long time, sort of telling anyone that I thought it was so it was classic weight loss, and it was over Christmas, and I was eating like a little pig, and I was like, Oh, look at all this weight falling off me. She's amazing, like, to all my friends and, like, jealous, but, and it kind of got to the point where it was end of Christmas, and my mum, like, I've just spoken to, and she said she just remembers me getting up in the night go to the toilet. And obviously her being tight or diabetic as well, she sort of she saw four, four nights, consecutive nights, me getting up in the night and waking up going to the toilet. And she sort of told me, and was like, Look, I don't want it to be this, but I think we need to do a blood Meter Test on you. And the thing is, ever since I was a child, we'd always sort of be like, oh, let's all test our blood sugars with mum's testing kit, and we take it in turns. And I hated it, like I'd run away screaming, crying. My sisters loved it. They chased me with it, and I just would not cooperate. I hated that game where we'd all test our blood sugars, and I never took part in it, and my mum just told me that I literally took home my Sep dad, like almost like pinning me down to do a blood test finger on me at the age of 17. So she said, eventually it was just me hyperventilating, laughing, crying, hysterical, and just trying to get a bit of blood out my finger through the test. So she said she did the test, and I think it was 28 which is 504 Wow. On the conversion, yeah. So she was just like, Yeah, okay, it's happened you're diabetic as well. So got me into the doctor's first thing the next day with an urgent appointment. Think they tested me in the morning, and I was 32 which think is about 570 So straight away it was like, Yeah, your mom's got diabetes. You've got diabetes. Let's get you to the hospital. And I think, I think I was sent to the hospital, and I was not on a drip or anything, and my mom, my mom says they didn't say I was in DKA, but I must have had a crazy high blood sugars for a couple of months at this point. But I think it was just think of, Oh, your mom's got diabetes. Let's give you a shot of insulin. Get you on your way Bye. So, yeah, yeah. And I don't remember having my mom said the same, no, sort of IV, nothing. I just remember sitting at the hospital all day while they sort of gave me a shot long acting, gave me a bit of fast acting, and about tea time, like dinner time, be like, right? Well, your mom's diabetic, so she knows what to do on your way, so just sent me home. Then,

Scott Benner 8:25
did your mom know what to do? Like, was she

Marnie 8:29
yes and no? Because obviously they didn't. Didn't have my like ratios nailed. Didn't know how much longer accents give me. So I think it was just a bit of a wild guess. And I remember start sitting in my mum's car afterwards, and I had this massive sandwich on my knee, and I was absolutely starving to eat all day. I was about to take this massive bite, and everyone's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, you need an insulin for that. Now it's like, and I was like, What? What? I have to wait to eat this sandwich. So, yeah, I think it was a bit of like, just sort of hand me back off to my mom and be like, Oh, she's the expert. Off you go. We'll see you tomorrow. It's fine. So yeah, I remember that sort of first night, and she kept coming into my room like every other hour, checking my blood sugars, bless her, like just kept, kept sort of slinking in and turning on my little night light and checking me even though 17, I could fully have done it myself, but I know that she just wanted to do the best. Yeah,

Scott Benner 9:23
geez, when you think back on that time, did your mom and you have conversations about diabetes? Ever? Did you talk about it personally, or did you talk about it more like a caregiver to a child? You've probably heard me talk about us Med and how simple it is to reorder with us med using their email system. But did you know that if you don't see the email, and you're set up for this, you have to set it up. They don't just randomly call you, but I'm set up to be called if I don't respond to the email, because I don't trust myself 100% so one time I didn't respond to the email, and the phone rings the house. It's like ring. You know how? It works. And I picked it up. I was like, hello, and it was just the recording was like, US med doesn't actually sound like that, but you know what I'm saying. It said, Hey, you're I don't remember exactly what it says, but it's basically like, Hey, your order's ready. You want us to send it? Push this button if you want us to send it, or if you'd like to wait. I think it lets you put it off, like, a couple of weeks, or push this button for that. That's pretty much it. I push the button to send it, and a few days later, box right at my door. That's it us. Med.com/juice, box, or call 888-721-1514, get your free benefits checked now and get started with us. Med, Dexcom, Omnipod, tandem freestyle, they've got all your favorites, even that new islet pump. Check them out now at us, med.com/juice, box, or by calling 888-721-1514, there are links in the show notes of your podcast player and links at Juicebox Podcast com, to us, med and all the sponsors. Today's episode is sponsored by Medtronic diabetes, who is making life with diabetes easier with the mini med 780 G system, the mini med 780 G automated insulin delivery system anticipates, adjusts and corrects every five minutes. Real world results show people achieving up to 80% time and range with recommended settings, without increasing lows. But of course, Individual results may vary. The 780 G works around the clock, so you can focus on what matters. Have you heard about Medtronic extended infusion set? It's the first and only infusion set labeled for up to a seven day wear. This feature is repeatedly asked for, and Medtronic has delivered 97% of people using the 780 G reported that they could manage their diabetes without major disruptions of sleep. They felt more free to eat what they wanted, and they felt less stress with fewer alarms and alerts you can't beat that. Learn more about how you can spend less time and effort managing your diabetes by visiting Medtronic diabetes.com/juicebox, diabetes com slash Juicebox.

Marnie 12:02
I ended the hour we didn't really, I remember, like, when we got back from the hospital, and I thought of texting my friends, and I don't think I really, like, obviously, I'm alone, giving myself shots up throughout my entire life. But you know, you just don't realize how big a part of someone's life, something is. And I think when I got home, I was texting my friends like, Oh, haha, I've got type one diabetes. We've been joking about it for ages, and I just thought, it's injections and what, like, that's all it's going to be and and I just remember going to sleep that night, and I spoke to him about this since, and I just remember having her just sobbing downstairs. And I think in that moment, I was like, Oh, my God, this. Like, if she's that upset over something, maybe this is a big thing for me, like, this is going to change my life. Yeah, like, we never really spoke about lot of things, and at the time, also I was just, I was, I was too young to sort of register what she was going through as well as me. Because it wasn't just about me, really. It was just, obviously, it was just a big thing for her as well. And I know she was guilty, and she said that to me since, but, I mean, it's nothing anyone could control, so yeah, sure, it was one of those where it was, yeah, a big, a big sort of shock to her, because we've spoken as well, and she, she sort of said she didn't know it was genetic. She didn't know it was sort of something that could be sort of passed on. So it was never something she considered, and any of us could get really,

Scott Benner 13:27
can I ask you have, as an adult, since this, do you find yourself being more compassionate for people like, Do you know what I mean, like, because, like, you know how you like? You see this with your mom, and you don't realize what she's like, what her life is, but you're living with her. Like, do you ever think like, oh, I took for granted what was happening to her, and does that like, spread out to how you how you feel about other people?

Marnie 13:53
I think so, because just getting that sort of viewpoint of, oh my god. Like, I remember she'd have, like, lows and stuff, and it was just like, oh, just what happens to mom? And then since that off the back of it and experiencing the low and experience the highs, and I just, yeah, I can look back now and think I really, none of us really asked the questions or appreciate what she kind of went through, deal with it and have three kids at the same time and work and, yeah, so I do, I mean, I've always been a bit of an empath, anyway, like, and I don't, maybe it did start from there, because I can sort of think back to that time. And I do think it, yeah, I do kind of take people's sort of experiences, emotions, and I hold them quite in high regard, really, when I am dealing with people. So it could very well sort of had a knock on effect to how I am now, yeah, I'll

Scott Benner 14:51
tell you why I asked. Because doing this, like making this podcast, and actually having, like, a big Facebook group, having that big Facebook group, and. Making the podcast has made me listen. I don't think I'm famous, Marnie, I don't, okay, but I think you are. Well, that's ridiculous, but people know, but a lot of people know who I am, right? And I speak out loud, and those people then look at those things and make decisions about how I feel. They don't know me, you know? They make decisions about what I'm thinking, and it's led me, like, even I don't know. Like, you see a famous person and people are coming down on them, or a politician or anybody, and they're like, this is what they're doing. I'm like, You have no idea. You don't know, and this is your assumption based on a tiny bit of information. Yeah. I mean, you can, like, I'm not saying you can't have your opinion. Like, maybe you just don't like me, that's fine. Or maybe you look at a certain person out in the public eye and say they seem to be a bad actor. They don't really want things to be calm, or what I mean, whatever it is, there's certainly you could make good decisions about people, but, yeah, making snap decisions based on something you see on Facebook or in a newspaper or something like that. Like, I don't do that anymore. Like, I just assume that I don't know enough to have a reasonable opinion.

Marnie 16:08
Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, you need the full contest context. Are you really about who someone is? And you'll never know that if you if it is someone through Facebook, you never got to know everything about them or the context of who they are. So it's

Scott Benner 16:20
hard enough to know when you live with somebody their full context, you know

Marnie 16:24
exactly, yeah, that's not helping me out, yeah, but,

Scott Benner 16:27
but you know, for like, even when there are people who are like, I think kind of, like, viciously, like, speaking against me, I always still think like, I don't know, like, maybe they saw something that really makes them think that they're the Good guy in this story. You know what I mean? Yeah,

Marnie 16:43
I never, I never understand that about people. Because I did see your Facebook post before that you did well, it's this evening to me about Yeah, don't you, yeah? So

Scott Benner 16:54
I liked it. Oh, thank you. I mean, it's in my head today, because, you know a person who has been methodically posting me and, you know, wherever they can for years, suddenly just showed up in my Facebook group acting nice. And I was like, What in the hell just

Marnie 17:09
happened? Like, yeah, it baffles me. Went

Scott Benner 17:13
through me for a loop. You know, use as an example. Like, I have my assumption about what happened, but I don't know if I'm right or not. Like, I actually think that it's possible that they just kind of like, you know, you can get into a group by answering the questions correctly, and I don't see who comes in, so they get in. And here's my worst version of what happened. They snuck into the group to like, Snoop, and then in the middle of the night, a post came up, and they got confused and didn't realize what group it was in, and they started responding to it. And now I see that they're that they're there, and they probably didn't want me to know. But if you give a more generous, like, maybe they just thought, you know, I keep saying stuff about this guy, maybe I'm not right. I should go look. And maybe they were just there, and maybe they were about to send me a beautiful note that's like, hey, you know, I've said some shit about you in the past, but, like, I see what you're doing here, you know, I don't know. But the point is, is I don't know. So I

Marnie 18:08
just find it all very confused. And I just think it's one of those things where it's just the internet, social media, has made it so easy for people to be so horrible to each other, just because it's behind keyboard and it's not in real life. And yeah, I just, I don't

Scott Benner 18:21
know. I've seen it in families too. They see people are, oh yeah. Seems like it's easy for people, no matter where they are, in fairness. But what, it really made me wonder, like, this, having this be a thing. I'm, like, back room going through today, like, and I'm not going through it. I'm fine, by the way. But good, yeah. It made me wonder, like, Oh, I wonder if you were old enough to, like, look and go, Oh God, we didn't realize this about mom, then you have this personal experience. And if it actually informs your real life or not, that's what I was wondering. Oh

Marnie 18:49
yeah, yeah, 100% Yeah. Like, it's just obviously we'd come to eat, she'd get out needles, she'd have a cheeky shot, and then we'd all eat. And apart from sort of seeing her go low, that was, that was the only thing I knew about it. Mom has to inject at meals, and sometimes she goes low and she needs leucade. And that's it like that. That was all sort of the information we ever took on or even asked about. We didn't even ask about it to be fair, like it's only when it was like finger pricking time, we all wanted, like to mess about that we'd actually ask things about it. I don't remember ever sort of sitting down having a frank conversation with her, just apart from like, Oh, when did you get diagnosed? Or what was that like back when you were a kid? But I think that's as far as it went, really. Yeah,

Scott Benner 19:36
no, I hear you. So do you head off to school soon after this. I

Marnie 19:42
think I did, to be fair. I think I was back in the hospital the day after my initial diagnosis. And why again? I think How did that happen? I think it was too because they just sent me off in some pens like me. Here's the sort of guesstimate. Bye, come back tomorrow. Actually sort you out. So, yeah, so got sent at home, and then went back the next day, sort of actually nailing some carb ratios. And how much longer acting to take. I was back in sort of the day after, and then I think I was back in school quite quickly, to be fair. And again, I think it was the whole thing of my mom's got diabetes. So it was a bit like, well, this, this isn't going to hold you back. You can do everything you needed to do. So I do think I was home for a couple of days and then went back to school maybe the following week. I just remember the first sort of bus journey, because I had to get the bus to get to school. And then it was my first time being on my own since diagnosis. And I remember just thought of being suddenly bus and thought of I felt a bit dizzy or or like I'd stumbled a bit when I got on the bus. And I thought, My gosh, is this? Is this low blood sugar? Should I check? Am I going high? And I remember just doing about eight finger prick checks on this sort of 20 minute bus ride, because I just got so in my head about like, oh my gosh, am I going low? Am I going high? Am I going to make it to college? Am I going to die on Route? I don't know what's happening, so I just remember sort of panic was sort of a big factor when I was going back. But that subsided quite quickly as well. I just sort of, I think, from what I remember, I think slid into quite a good routine. That quite not good because my control was horrendous, but I sort of accepted it. Well, I thought accepted it quite quickly. You

Scott Benner 21:29
just said something and then disagreed with yourself three times

Marnie 21:34
in a row. The only reason I've said that was because I convinced myself I'd accepted it, and it's only recently that actually accepted it.

Scott Benner 21:44
So what did pretending to accept it look like?

Marnie 21:47
Pretending to accept it was, I'll do my insulin. I'll do long acting. So I say, do all the meal insulin. I'll put my finger. And that's that's fine, but I didn't look after myself. So it was like I was meeting the bare minimum criteria to just keep myself ticking over, and I was still going out drinking loads, like doing all sorts.

Scott Benner 22:12
It's the first time I didn't understand you doing what,

Marnie 22:19
drinking and other things, like when you go to a party and stuff, other

Scott Benner 22:22
things like drugs, yeah, okay, go ahead.

Marnie 22:27
Yeah, specific. So just thought categorize it as other things one might do at a party, yeah?

Scott Benner 22:34
Well, I honestly wasn't sure if you meant drugs or sex. That's what I was wondering about.

Marnie 22:39
I mean, Bob, don't spray, but yeah,

Scott Benner 22:44
now's the nice time to say hi to your mom, in case she's listening. I know. Sorry, mom.

Marnie 22:49
I think you knew anyway, so it's fine. So yeah, so I did, yeah. It just wasn't like, it'd be things like. It was basically just me. It was like, I've heard other people say that, like looking after a little Tamagotchi, and as long as I just kind of maintained it a bit to the point where I wasn't really ill, that I was fine with that. So they'd go out drinking, and I'd probably do a test before I headed out. And throughout the night, I'd be like, Oh, my mouth's really dry. Oh, I've been chugging loads of tap water, and then I sort of just rage shoot a load of insulin because I knew I was really, really high, and I'd come back down. And by the time I did a test at like, early hours morning, but a beautiful, like, beautiful sort of number, so I could sort of convince myself that if I didn't test when I was high or low, it didn't count. And that was sort of my mentality with it. Like, if I flip through my blood meter and I see all these great numbers, like, granted, the bizarre times of the day to me, I was like, Oh, those numbers are perfect. Like, like, don't about the in between things I'm experiencing, because my blood meter says it's all great, and I'm doing really well.

Scott Benner 24:02
Would you purposefully test when you knew your blood sugar was good so you'd see a good number? Yeah,

Marnie 24:07
oh yeah, because it almost gave me that good feeling of all right. It might have been hard before, but look how great my number is now. Like, this is amazing. And same with sort of going to the hospital for my checkup, they'd go, I think I went every six months, and I was sort of in Adolescent Clinic, and they made you write down a log of numbers. And I remember just, I'd be sat on the bus out of the way there, and just make up numbers. I'd look for my blood me, because I'd always have to check, I'd check that I had good numbers in there, and then just fill in the gaps, and I'd write really great numbers. I'd throw in the odd high number so I didn't get too suspicious.

Scott Benner 24:43
Here, you were fantastic and, oh well, you missed a little and a better number. Feel like it might be real.

Marnie 24:50
Yeah, exactly, because

Scott Benner 24:52
I needed it. Question, though, at the end, doesn't the A, 1c reflect that that's not the case because

Marnie 24:58
of sort of the I've just. Cute load of insulin to sort of bring myself down. I did have quite a few not bad loads, but lows throughout the day when that be sort of on that roller coaster. So I think the roller coaster helped make my a 1c not look too I think I was sort of in the honestly late sevens, early, sort of eight numbers, when I was sort of around that time. So it didn't look horrendous to them. They were happy. They were sort of like, yeah, your a 1c. Looks fine. Off you go. How

Scott Benner 25:26
far did you go? Did you use different color pens? I've heard people, did you do that? Yeah,

Marnie 25:32
yeah. I had, yeah, I did. I had like a like, I'd have like a running out by row. I'd have like a gel pen, I'd have like a fountain pen, and I'd always switch over so it didn't look really suspicious. I'd be like, I'll do a couple of days in that blue Biro. I'll do one day in black because I could, like, oh, yeah, just first time I grabbed Yeah. No. There's a lot of strategic, sneaky planning going on. When back in those days,

Scott Benner 25:56
did you ever feel like I'm putting so much effort into pretending to do a good job? Maybe, maybe I could actually just do a good job. No,

Marnie 26:03
because at the same time I can, like, now looking back and everything I've learned from you and online, on Instagram and the Facebook posts and like, I just I knew nothing back then. Like, I didn't know anything like that. If I had a higher low number, I'd always be like, shrug. It is what it is. That's just diabetes. It's fine, like, I don't know what I've done wrong, whatever. So I just had, just didn't have the attitude to want to sit down and find out what was going wrong or how it could be better. And again, I think it was sort of the outwardly look like I've accepted it, but always in denial about it before I actually got control, and I did then accept it properly.

Scott Benner 26:48
What made that happen? Do you know?

Marnie 26:51
I think firstly was getting a CGM? So I got one. I think it was like second year after sort of COVID lockdowns, I think it was 2021 Well, that's pretty recently. Yeah, it was, to be fair, and I know it's quite late getting it because I think I can't remember if my mum got one before me or not. And yeah, because my mum lives sort of in a different borough, and when you're in different boroughs, the hospitals can have completely different sort of funding to have these things in place. So I think where she lives, she got a Dexcom. I was gonna Libra. I think she Libra, and then she was sort of showing me, and I thought, that's amazing. I'm gonna get in touch with my console. Since I did, ended up getting the Libra, which I've had since, I think it was just the ability to not be able to ignore things like I was doing before. So I'd see these sort of highs in between meals, or sort of going high overnight, then I'd come back in range before the morning, and I just thought, Oh my God. Like, is this what he's doing in between these four times a day, finger prick time, doing right. And I think it was just the knowledge of that's not right. It shouldn't be like this way, and I can do so much better. So I think that sort of got the ball, ball rolling, really. And then I saw and then that was the time where you couldn't go out, you couldn't do anything. So I just was Doom scrolling on social media for hours, and I remember seeing a girl, random girl that I follow, who's diabetic, she'd post about your podcast. And I'd never listened to podcasts before ever. And I thought, well, I've got all this spare time, and I like walking and running water so that I'll just get into it and start listening. And I was, I was hooked metal, and I've been, I've been listening to your podcast chronologically. So I'm on episode I think it's like 650 at the minute. So I refuse to do it out of order. So I've started episode one. I'm working my way through it in numerical order.

Scott Benner 28:55
How long have you been at that? I think 2021 you're only halfway through, I know, but they're gonna cure diabetes before you finish.

Marnie 29:04
Well, I feel like, you know when I see posts on your Facebook, great. I'm like, Whoa, spoilers. I'm not there yet. Advancements in medicine and things like that. I'm like, whoa, whoa, I'm not at that bit yet. Oh, that's so

Scott Benner 29:17
funny. You're like, Hey, I'm not gonna be there for like, three years. You can't tell me, yeah,

Marnie 29:23
not posted. I'm not there yet. That's

Scott Benner 29:25
so funny. Well, first of all, thank you. I appreciate you listening like this. So wait, this person you saw online, how did they motivate you again? You literally

Marnie 29:35
just shared about your podcast. Oh, and it was, I think it was really randomly, just some, some girl that went to university with basal, university. It was my sister. My sister was like, I'll give her a follow. She pulls back diabetes. Sometimes. I was like, oh, we'll do it. And I think she just shared, like, just a link to your podcast. And I was like, Oh, I'll check that out. I'll have a look.

Scott Benner 29:53
If you said you're not a podcast person, right? So just meaning you weren't listening to podcasts, did you know you weren't. Doing well, like, what were you looking for? Were you looking like? Why would you go listen? I guess

Marnie 30:03
I think I just wanted answers. So, like, something had happened. So I thought, have my breakfast. I can't count everything so precisely. And then I had my insulin, and then I'd be like, I've nailed this. I can't wait for this beautiful wine after breakfast, that's going to carry me through to lunch, and then my blood sugar just shoot up or drop, and I'd be like, I just can't understand what I'm doing wrong, and I wasn't getting answers from part of the hospital or anything, because it's very sort of cut and dry, stick to your carb ratios. Done. There is sort of opportunity to do week long courses here called Daphne. I don't know what it stands

Scott Benner 30:44
for. I know. Yeah, people bring up Daphne, by the way, you're in England, right? Yes, yeah. Why does your accent feel? I hope this isn't insulting. Why does it feel a little Scottish once in a while? Oh, really,

Marnie 30:56
you know what? I was just in America last week, and so many people said I found it Irish. Yeah, okay, yeah, a bit of a Celtic swang, I don't know. I think I'm very northern. It might be that maybe, yeah, I

Scott Benner 31:09
just, my brother in law is from Scotland and, like, when you just said, I don't know, when you just say, I don't know. Again, don't know you did it differently that time we poshed out. Like, oh, wait a second, a little too Adele, a little more. I just wasn't sure if you were, like, near a border or, like, something like that. But,

Marnie 31:31
oh no. Mike, slap bang, near Manchester. Well, slap

Scott Benner 31:34
bang is probably what I'm gonna call the episode. But, um, no,

Marnie 31:38
I don't been thinking that. But try not say anything too silly. In case you might write there's the title, thanks, die

Scott Benner 31:44
on route was in my head, because you're like, I didn't want to die on Route. Like, talking about being on the bus. And I'm like, that sounds too harsh. Yeah, that's a bit of morbid that one. But slap bang seems very like people would be like, Oh, what is this going to be about? And then this is gonna be thrilling. It's just me waffling. Well, you said, but before we started, you're like, you know, I'm gonna waffle. About You said, and I said, ironically, I just had a waffle. And I think you thought I meant I was just off, like, speaking, like, weirdly and backwards, yeah, but I had literally just eaten a waffle. I

Marnie 32:16
did not, yeah, that went right over my head.

Scott Benner 32:18
My son and his girlfriend are here today. It's a holiday here today. They were like, we'll make breakfast. And I came downstairs right before we recorded. And they're like, Wait, we made waffles. And I was like, okay. Then I came upstairs, and five seconds later, you're just saying waffle over and over again. I was like, Oh no. I just think you meant talking to me. I thought somebody was watching me. Yeah,

Marnie 32:35
oh no. Well, you charge a waffle anyway. Okay, so

Scott Benner 32:39
you saw someone online. You decide to try a podcast, it's great, and you were having trouble, like you said, you were making boluses then just thinking, like, here it comes, my perfect blood. But it just wasn't happening. So what did you figure out?

Marnie 32:50
No, it was just as a as a listen more and more things like, you know, like consider fat and protein and exercise, and just everything you speak on, really, on the podcast, that is a variable. And I just, I'd never been taught that, and I started sort of listening more and more and experimenting and messing them out with my doses. And just sort of slowly, I'd start seeing those beautiful, smooth lines that I'd always wanted, or I could sort of take insulin and just be so 100% confident on what where I'd be sat three four hours later or overnight. Like my overnights were ridiculous. Like I could be getting a screaming high line like two in the morning or low all night, and I just could not figure out twice as me so as I was listening, sort of putting things into practice, I was like, Oh my God. Like, it can be doable. It is doable because I kind of just accepted, like, Oh, this is just how it's going to be for the rest of my life. Like I think off the back of that as well, my eyes screened, and I started getting background retinol in one of my eyes, and that just absolutely terrified me, because me, up until that point, I was untouchable, and everything I was doing was enough to just keep me ticking over, and it was sort of that, and I just thought, Oh, my God, I need to look after myself. Because that was, I'd say that was two years ago, and that's only 11 years having diabetes, and I'm already sort of getting things going wrong, so I just thought, I need to get my

Scott Benner 34:26
together. Basically, I have a bunch of questions around this, but what it feel like when you started getting results that you expected? Was it fun? Almost,

Marnie 34:35
yeah, it was almost like, like, winning a game. Almost, I was like, oh my god yes, and I'd see a great number, and it's like, I'm just winning at playing the game with diabetes. Like, I was like, Oh, look at this amazing score I've got

Scott Benner 34:46
today. So then the question is, is, what did it feel like when it was going wrong? Ah, just,

Marnie 34:50
just like, I would always, I'd be very harsh on myself that it was going wrong, and I'd always be like, You didn't need that extra piece of toast. The breakfast that you didn't bowl us long enough for. And I was very sort of, I think it was just re learning things that I just need to focus more on and not ignore, like just I'd always thought I'd be told by if you're going to go off an exercise, be a bit higher and listening to you and learning things. I realized that it doesn't have to be that way. I can have a beautiful, smooth line and do exercise and eat a massive carby breakfast. It doesn't have to be sort of one or the other. Yeah,

Scott Benner 35:30
that's wonderful. I guess you never really knew about your mom's management, right? She didn't share it with you. You didn't share yours with her.

Marnie 35:38
Not so much. No, obviously she had. She had to talk a big part in helping me dose for things initially. Thing is, when I got diagnosed, I was given, I was put on pen straight away, and my mum was still on pig insulin, so she'd have to mix up two vials herself in a syringe, really. Yeah, yeah. So that, that was 13 years ago, and I think again, wait, wait,

Scott Benner 36:01
13 years ago. I gotta stop you. 13 years ago, your mom was still using beef and pork insulin. Yeah,

Marnie 36:07
she was, yeah, yeah. She'd have the two virals that she had to mix up. What the heck I know? And again, I think because she'd seen me go faster and get these pens, she'd gone straight back to her consultant and been

Scott Benner 36:18
like, where are my pens? Yeah. How come no one mentioned this right from her

Marnie 36:22
point of view, seeing what I was getting and the glucose meters I was getting and the pens, she then went back and got put on pens as well straight I think it was straight away. It might have been a bit of a wait for her, but yeah, so she sort of off the back of that. Got something else out of it as well. With me being diagnosed, I've

Scott Benner 36:39
never heard anybody using it that recently,

Marnie 36:43
really, yeah, she Yeah. She was literally using it even sort of past the diagnosis, till she got thought about 10.

Scott Benner 36:50
Well, I mean, if 13 years ago is is 2010 is that right? Yeah, yeah. And your mom was diagnosed in the 70s, yeah, yeah. Did they forget about her? Or was she, were they would was she not going to a doc? Maybe she was going to a time machine to go to her doctor, not a car? No,

Marnie 37:07
I'm not sure. I don't know whether it was maybe she was just comfortable again. This is something about maybe she was just comfortable with doing it, but then saw how easy it was, you know, just having pens and screws

Scott Benner 37:19
like that's, are you sure about this? Yeah, probably 100%

Marnie 37:23
watch me be absolutely telling lies, though you'll be like, I never did that. No, I'm she was 100% on Baal insulin with the Yeah,

Scott Benner 37:31
talking, was it regular in mph? Maybe? Oh,

Marnie 37:35
I don't know. No, I always remember saying it was Park insulin that she was on. Let me say

Scott Benner 37:40
this, even if it was regular mph, still 13 years ago, right, right, yeah, oh, that's goodness. So she sees you, she's like, Hey, apparently there's better stuff nobody told me about. I think

Marnie 37:50
so, yeah, just like, Oh, that looks, that looks a lot easier than shaking up some vials and stuff. Is

Scott Benner 37:56
it possible she got in one of those Harry Potter cars, went back in time, and that's when she went to the doctor, because you do have the steering wheel on the right. Wheel on the wrong side. So we do, yeah, I don't know how they work. I

Marnie 38:07
don't know it's possible, but yeah, she was, yeah, but she got on pens quite quickly. I think after Okay, see me get pens, yeah, okay, all right. All sorted out on the end.

Scott Benner 38:14
Then okay. Now fast forward to a couple of years ago, yeah. And you're like, suddenly, like, putting it in someone like, watch this. Watch me not spike. Watch me go walk without getting low. Do you go tell her?

Marnie 38:24
Yeah, yeah. To be so we've had a few conversations in pure because I would, like, I just wouldn't bring it up before, because I knew I was doing badly, and I didn't want questions to get turned back round to me and be like, how are you doing? And then I have to go look at my amazing blood sugar log. That's all fiction. So just one of those where I just thought, if we don't, if I don't bring it up, no one's gonna ask me too much about it. So off the back of that, since we have, sort of, I did sort of say, Oh, I've started listening to this. And have you ever thought about what you're eating, and, like, how things are digested, and fat and protein and all this. And she was like, Oh my gosh, yeah. But she's, I think she's sort of started doing her own research as well. So she's sort of very susceptible to, she walks a lot, like, she does a lot of exercise. And because she exercises so much. She does have quite a few sort of, like, low blood sugar sort of experiences, yeah. And then I think she has asked both MDI and she sort of gone and asked about a pump, because then she can sort of microdose herself with basal or shut it off when she's walking at the minute, she's just, yeah. But again, it's kind of one of those where, over here it's, I think she got, you need really good control to get a pump, which is what she was told. But then her argument is, but I want a pump to get the really good control. Because at the minute, it's just a lot of high pose of exercise and things like that. So. It's just one of those where you've really got to justify asking for a pump, and there's always a lot of pushback on it, really. But yeah, we've, we've had conversations since about, sort of, how's it going, or this is what I've started doing. Have you considered this as well? So yeah, we talk more about it now. Definitely

Scott Benner 40:18
very nice. Your note says that you want to talk about, like, anxiety and having panic attacks, being afraid of being judged. Can I hear about that? Yes.

Marnie 40:27
So, yes. So 2023, was the year of the panic attack. For me, a year

Scott Benner 40:34
set of the Chinese calendar I'm not aware of, oh god.

Marnie 40:38
Definitely not. Basically. So just for a bit of context, I have never had a stomach bug since I got diagnosed, which is bizarre, because I used to work in a primary school and in the office, so any sickly child got sent my way, and I've been thrown up on a million times. If I had a pound for every time been thrown up on, I'd be a millionaire. Yeah, and I just never had experienced a stomach bug ever. And it was my it was sort of a first birthday party, and we went and everyone got deadly, deadly sick off the back of it, like really bad vomiting bug. And I remember sort of getting up the day after the party, and I was like, Oh, Jesus, I can't get my blood sugar at all. And I was just eating and eating, went out for a nice breakfast, and I was like, I want to be really conservative with my insulin, with this because I just maybe it was just all like drinking the night before at this party. And I was like, Wow, just be conservative. I won't do too much. I just remember all day we're driving back home, and I was like, Oh, I just feel a bit feel a bit rough now, and my blood sugars are still tanking. And then got back home, back and my mom dropped me off. I was like, like, the flood gates opened. I was just violently unwell. But as I was I was like, my boyfriend was home, and I was like, Oh my God. Like, I'm actually getting really worried now, because I was just chugging juice after juice, and this is thing. I hadn't got this bit on your podcast yet, so I didn't know about so I was like, I got that part yet. So I was just like, Oh my God. Like, I think, I think we might need to go to hospital, because I'm starting to panic a bit now. So I went to hospital, which was an absolute waste of time. So I had drank about five juice boxes at this point, and then proceeded to throw them all up. And I was getting a bit worried, and I tried calling the we've got, like a non emergency number over here. So instead of calling like 999 you call a different number, and they put you through sort of non emergency, but you still get to meet someone straight away. And I was kind of like, can I have glucagon for this? Because I think I had heard Inklings about microdosing glucagon, but they were just like, Nope, no, you can't. You only do it if you're unconscious, we can get you an ambulance, but it'll take about four hours. So I was like, Oh my gosh. So my boyfriend ended up driving me to sort of our sort of local emergency department, and I got seen, and they just gave me a handful of anti sickness pills and sent me on my way. I think I was borderline DKA when I went in, because I remember just driving home my boyfriend, I could not keep my eyes open, like I just felt drained, like my boyfriend was, like you your eyes were literally like rolling into the back of your head. You were that lethargic. So went home, managed to get myself sorted out. My mum, bless her. She then got hit with the same sickness bug the same evening, and she was admitted to hospital for two days on drips, and sort of when I'll speak to a couple days later that I think I should have been admitted as well, rather

Scott Benner 43:45
than just me a handful of pills and shooed me away.

Marnie 43:49
So thankfully, wasn't sick again after went to uni, and when she sort of picked my fingers like, Oh, you're 4.1 which I think is like 75 for you guys, she's like, No, you're fine. Bye. Here's your anti sickness pills. Enjoy. So, so that happened, and took me a bit of time to feel right again. I was like, All right, that's behind me now. That was grim, but we're back on track again. And then I went to another first birthday party in September, I know, was it November and the exact same thing. So I'd never had a sickness bug ever, and then two in one year. And this time, I was a bit more prepared. And I was like, I'm going to oh gosh, it was horrible. I didn't have anything. I had a pot of jam, and I was just rubbing it into my gums in between being sick. But it worked like a charm, and I made sure to keep drinking water when could SIPP in, and I knew that I needed to have insulin on top of that. So this time, managed to stay away from the hospital. Felt a bit more prepared, so managed to get through that as well. And I was I was less panicky that time, so I was like, what. Like, okay, surely this can't happen again anytime soon. So went through all that last year, and then I started the anxiety started creeping in. So if I had a beautiful day of blood sugars that were trending low, but not, not sort of going hypo, right, I'd start having this thought at the back of my mind, like it's gonna happen again. You go in low because you're going to be sick again later. And it's not the being sick that was scaring me. It was just how helpless I felt in both those instances. So just

Scott Benner 45:34
sitting there with your Winnie the Pooh jar, rubbing your gums, yeah, try not to, try not to get too low.

Marnie 45:42
Literally, pants on as well. When all this happened, until it was very Winnie the poo. I

Scott Benner 45:47
mean, you said jar of you said jam. I wish you would have said honey, but

Marnie 45:50
nevertheless, I know. Oh no, I did. I did have honey sachets as well. Just sort of, yeah, so yeah, it works.

Scott Benner 45:56
Before we dive into your anxiety about, like, oh my god, I'm gonna get sick. I'm gonna get low. I have like, I'm gonna forget to say this. So a while ago, you said, if I had a pound for every time a kid vomit on me, I'd be a millionaire. I thought, How come you measure a pound? But then you go to million. Like, why? Like, shouldn't you? And then I did the math, yeah, shouldn't you say if I had a pound for every time you get vomited on me, I'd have 446 Imperial tons. Oh, I see, yeah, no, sorry, no, but, I mean, why does, do you see what I'm guessing 100% I

Marnie 46:31
think it's just, it's the waffle thing over again, isn't it? But

Scott Benner 46:34
the term for a million dollars, in like, British, like parlance, is a million dollars.

Marnie 46:39
I would say, yeah, no, yeah. I could have called it quid instead. That would have been even more confusing.

Scott Benner 46:44
No, I would have, that would have made me think of Quidditch, and then that would have taken us down a whole horrible road thing. But it's interesting that it's like a pound is like, I know a pound is money for you, but it's a weight here. And then you go, and then when you go to a million, you go to wooden anyway, yeah?

Marnie 47:01
Like, yeah, the math scene, math thing, yeah, this don't make sense, is what I'm saying. Sorry, I'd be very rich. I should have said,

Scott Benner 47:11
I just wish you would have said, I'd have 446, Imperial tons. Yeah, imagine you'd have to do the reverse math. Though. I had to ask chat. GB thing. I was like, hey, figure this out real quick, because I wanted to keep listening to your story. I didn't want to be the one doing the math.

Marnie 47:25
Oh no, yeah, just I'd be very rich. So even if

Scott Benner 47:29
you had, like, a great day, yeah, you started to go back to that place of like, I'm going to get sick. My blood sugar is going to be low. I'd be sitting around helpless. Now you're back on the bus again.

Marnie 47:38
Yeah, yeah. And it was like, it would happen every now and then, and then I do this thing where I'd be like, I'll just quickly drink half a juice just to check, just to check that things are digesting as they should be, and I'm not going to go high and I'm not going to go low and be sick. So I got into this really bad pattern of I'd have really nice grass, and I just couldn't rationalize in my head that I'd put in the work to have the nice grass, because this anxiety was just clouding everything. So I knew that a dose for breakfast personally, and factoring protein and all that stuff, but the anxious thoughts were going, No, you didn't you don't know that you're going low because you're going to be sick again and you're going to be sick again, and you're going to be in that helpless position again where you need help and you're in that horrible place started sort of stacking up, and it just got worse and worse. And I was at work whenever my first panic attack. And again, I'd had a day where I'd had a new I'd tried a new breakfast. I didn't have any sort of nutritional information about it, so I guesstimated, and I've nailed it, but I then was doubting the fact that I didn't have nutritional information. Like, how can you have nailed it? Like, you've completely guessed and you've got it right? No, you haven't got it right. You're going to be sick later because you've got low, like, personal, lovely, low blood sugar. Now, were

Scott Benner 48:58
you having compulsive thoughts about anything else? No, no,

Marnie 49:00
that's yeah, it's just not in my nature. Yeah, surely this, I just got so fixated on it, and to the point where then I was in work, and I've had breakfast and I was drinking a juice, and I thought that juice will sort me out. I'll have done my testing where I'm like, drink the whole juice, even though, you know it's going to send you high, and it didn't. So then again, the anxiety was building. I was like, Oh my gosh. You thought that was going to happen, but the low blood sugar is still that, and they weren't even really low. They were just sort of nicely, sort of kicking my LOW Alert, yeah. And then I went and had lunch. And again, a lunch had not had before, no nutritional information. And I ate that, and the same thing happened again, where I just sort of guessed, and the guest very well, but my brain was saying, You've not, you've not nailed it. This is the low blood sugar because you're going to be sick later. And I remember just sort of being sat at my desk, and I thought, Oh my God. Like I breathe, the room's closing in, and I just, like, ran off to the toilet. Just had a full on. So. Lot of meltdown. Ended up having to sort of bring my manager and be like, I need to go home. Basically, like, I just need to be somewhere safe. Like, not because I live sort of an hour's drive away from work, and all I could think of was like, I just need to get home and be somewhere where someone can keep telling me, someone knows what's going on. Like, my boyfriend was at home, and it was just like, so that was first time that happened. And then I had another time where my boyfriend was on holiday, and I started sort of getting anxious the week before, I was going, like, you're gonna be all on your own if it happens, like, if you if you get a stomach bug and you're low, no one's there to help you. And I just got so anxious, to the point where it got on his plane and gone, and I just couldn't eat because my stomach was in knots. I was just checking my blood sugars all the time. I was just thinking, Oh, who's most likely was pick up the phone at two in the morning if I do stop being sick and I need help and I need driving somewhere. And it just became this horrible, like overshadowing thing in my life that just Yeah, thoughts you couldn't

Scott Benner 51:03
stop having. So I want to ask you how you got rid of them, if or if you did. But first, I want to point out that you've said in the nicest way, like the dirtiest double entendre thing that anyone's ever said on the podcast. You said tickling my low alerts.

Marnie 51:21
Oh no, I know I didn't say it, therefore I could have thought of a better one. I just thought. I thought it was just a nice way of putting it. Was

Scott Benner 51:28
a nice way of putting it. I was like, oh my god, somebody heard that wrong. Oh, it sounds like a terrible child blind or something. I'm too embarrassed to tell you what I just did.

Marnie 51:38
Oh, I'm gonna need to know now.

Scott Benner 51:41
Oh, my God, you don't have to No, it's just, Oh, you don't have to be a lot. I gave Hold on. It's just, it's so stupid. I gave my chameleon this kind of worm that he doesn't seem to love, but I put it in there to see if he would like it. And I left his doors are open right now because I want him to have some air. Yeah, and the worm, just like, went all the way to the bottom of the cage, then crawled out of the cage, fell on the floor, and was walking across the carpet. And I thought, I'll just get that when I'm done. And then I thought, what if it goes somewhere and I can't find it? I'm like, let me just go get it now. Anyway, I'm just embarrassed because I have a chameleon and I'm an adult, but he's great. I love it. Do you still feel that way? And if not, how did you get past it? No,

Marnie 52:25
I feel so much better now about it. And I did start. I did start going down the route of, I think I need a therapist. Really helped me with this. It just felt all so all consuming. And I did sort of have like a little like taster session. And she was like, this is what we'll work through stuff like this. And I thought, oh, yeah, I think I should probably give this a go. And I was like, I'm going on holiday. Let you know when I'm back. And I just had, like, the simplest conversation ever with my mum. And and we were sort of visiting family and, and again, it's, this is another sort of side part tangent to the whole, like, anxiety thing. It made me really wary of hanging out with kids, and, like a lot of kids myself, but like, I've got a few sort of younger sort of family members, and it was getting to the point where I'd be really sort of like wary about, like, Oh, don't get too close, just in case they're ill and then they make me ill. So we'd sort of gone visiting my sister and her little girl. I was just saying to my mum, like, did you ever get really scared after what happened to us both last year? Like, is it not sort of set you back or anything? She just looked through and she was like, no, because we're both here, and why would you like that stop you living your life? And that's all it took. Just three weeks ago. Won't be the worst thing that's ever happened. It hasn't been the worst thing that's ever happened to you, and we're both here, and you can't let let that stuff stop you living your life. And it was almost like the simplest thing ever, and I just hadn't thought of it like that.

Scott Benner 54:02
Your mom's like, way worse crap is gonna happen. Don't worry.

Marnie 54:06
I just, like, I knew what she meant. And it was like, wow, yeah, you're right. Actually, that's all it took, really. I think, like, I follow a few sort of people on Instagram who've got diabetes, and a few of them would post about the same thing. I think it was just the whole, oh, this has happened to other people, and they're fine. And yeah, it might happen to me again. It probably will at some point in life. And my mom was like, but you know how to handle it, yeah? And I was like, oh, yeah, it's just that easy. Why didn't I think of this six months ago, and I was panicking all the time. Do you

Scott Benner 54:41
have glucagon in your house? I do, yeah, yeah.

Marnie 54:45
I've got a big stash of it. Now, after the vomiting,

Scott Benner 54:48
we just moved Arden into a different college situation, yeah. And we were like, she and I left her room to go downstairs to get some more stuff to bring upstairs, and we were in the elevator. By ourselves. And I was like, hey, in case I haven't said this recently, I'm just gonna say this. And she goes, okay. I said, um, you can give yourself glucagon. It's not just for when you're having a seizure. And I was like, but if you find yourself in a situation when you're like, Oh God no, I'm not gonna stop this. I was like, there's it's okay. And she was like, I know. And I was like, all right. And I just, I only brought it up because she's in a setting now where she's in a multiple room, so she's by herself in a bedroom, yeah, but in an apartment with multiple bedrooms, but everyone's doors lock when they close them, oh, I save i Okay. So in her last setting, like her, her roommates could have walked into her room if they wanted

Marnie 55:44
to, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she needed help.

Scott Benner 55:47
And she was like, Okay. And I was like, All right, just don't forget that part. And she's like, Okay. And then that was sort of the meanwhile, like, lows are very infrequent for Arden, yeah, but still, you don't know, right?

Marnie 55:58
You know, it's just better known, isn't it? Just yeah, just double checking

Scott Benner 56:03
it's never happened once. When I thought, Oh, I bet you, Arden's gonna get really low today.

Marnie 56:07
Like, yeah, you know exactly, yeah, it's always the uh, the curveball lows

Scott Benner 56:13
just happened. But so your mom just, what do you just gave you some extra perspective. You think, yeah,

Marnie 56:18
I think it was just, I think it was, I just felt very alone with it, because obviously I'd speak to my friends and they could sympathize and speak to family, they could sympathize, but I just it was almost that feeling of pure like helplessness, like I'm doing everything I've been taught to do to fix low blood sugar, and it's not working. And it just felt like that utter lack of control, yeah, was just spiraling me out. And just for the fact it came and I had spoke to mom, since we were both fail, and she'd sort of touched on, like, yeah, no, just carry on. It was just that moment she was like, You can't let you can't let this just like, consume Yeah. I just thought, oh my gosh, yeah. So Right.

Scott Benner 56:58
Good for you, well, good for her to to give you some good advice.

Marnie 57:02
Definitely, it's just like I needed someone else in the same situation to say it to me, just like you can't put your life on hold because you're this scared.

Scott Benner 57:11
Yeah, wouldn't it be crazy if, like, three years from now, you got to an episode of the podcast that said that, and you're like, oh, no, I would

Marnie 57:20
have found that I had actually posted in the Facebook group about it, but I know it's very specific niche. And again, I think I've done a bit of a waffle we post. Because I was like, Oh, I don't like, Has anyone experienced it? And to be fair, a few people had sent me episodes to listen to just about, you know, like fear of hypos and hypo and dieting stuff that that did help with the just the functional stuff,

Scott Benner 57:45
but not the psychological part of it, yeah.

Marnie 57:48
I think it was more just how specific the things that I prompted to hear was, yeah. Did

Scott Benner 57:55
you ever hear the episode called worry is a waste of imagination?

Marnie 57:58
Is it pre episode 656, let

Scott Benner 58:03
me find out. That's interesting question. It might

Marnie 58:04
be because I've actually that rings a bell that title it

Scott Benner 58:08
just it always occurs to me, I don't know where I heard that first worries, a waste of imagination, is episode one, 156, is just lovely. Yeah, just the idea that when you're worried about something. You are just making up a scenario in your head and deciding to treat it like it's actually going to happen. And now yours is a little more specific, because this has happened to you in the past, but, but sort of, I mean, it's not the same, but it is the same. And, you know, so you I can see that, though, get that in your head, but that's not really the crux of the problem. The crux of the problem is that, and I'm guessing, just from listening to you, it's that spot where your effort won't overwhelm the problem, and there's a finite end to it, because you could have a seizure. And what do you do? Like, right? Like, that's, that's where the fear is right? There is that? Right? Yeah,

Marnie 59:02
yeah. 100% Yeah. It's just the lack of contour. Like you said, everything you've ever been taught to fix that is not fixing it. And then the panic sets in because you're like, Oh no, this usually works. Like, Oh dear, this isn't going the way I wanted it to go all planned,

Scott Benner 59:17
and I don't have unlimited time here. No, that's fine, yeah, right, right. You're like, there is more, like, I'm gonna run out of time before I get this fixed.

Marnie 59:27
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Almost like it's that sense of sort of impending do, like you sort of get an inkling of that anyway when you start having a Hypo. Just thought of the Doom feeling, but it's nice. Just that times a million,

Scott Benner 59:38
anybody who's had, like, awake, conscious, like, seizures, low blood sugar incidences that they've talked about on the podcast, they all mentioned this moment where they fit their last thought is, up here, I can't see Yeah, like, yeah, it's coming, and I can't stop

Marnie 59:54
it right now. Yeah, this is the clock now. Bye,

Scott Benner 59:57
yeah. Well, that's not imagination. That's a real worry. And, and I think we don't talk about that very often in the space, like in general, and I tried to bring it up periodically. I, you know, I've, you'll hear me in a couple of years, tell a story about being it, um, about being at this event where I was speaking in front of, like, probably three, 400 people, if I remember correctly, yeah, and a lot of them were newly diagnosed adults, or were the spouses of those adults. And I just brought up, like, hey, you know why it's so important of glucagon around. And when I started, people were like, why? What is that? And I'm like, wait, what you know? And then, as you explain it to them, like you could see, they were like, Whoa. No one mentioned that. Yeah,

Marnie 1:00:41
that's that's the thing, yeah, because I've had glucagon from the get go, ever since diagnosis. But I don't touch wood. I've never had to use it. I have had two seizures before, but I've never How did you get out of them? I don't know how we got fixed. Actually,

Scott Benner 1:00:57
were you by yourself?

Marnie 1:00:59
The first one, I wasn't and my friend poured a whole bottle of full sugar lime cordial all over my face. So when I woke up upside down my bed later on that day, I stunk of limes. And then the second time, I think I was on my own, and I think I think I knew it was I knew it was going to happen. So this was after a night of drinking and being silly. So I drank a whole bottle saved, and I think just the timing was I had a seizure, and then I started coming back out of it the other side. But I think I just took myself to bed and just, yeah, wow, yeah, I know funny.

Scott Benner 1:01:35
That didn't make you worried. No, exactly. Oh, yeah, but you're older now. Just so silly and

Marnie 1:01:41
careful. Yeah, you just don't care. Yeah, now I'm old and just worry about everything.

Scott Benner 1:01:46
Yeah, when you're 17, you're like, I

Marnie 1:01:51
almost died. My sister came upstairs and she was like, what has gone on downstairs? Like, she's like, there's blue seed everywhere, like a big stain on the rug. And I was like, yeah, no, I think, think might have had a seizure last night, but I was like, fine. Now, Director,

Scott Benner 1:02:05
yeah, what are we doing now, right and now and now, you're like, today, I want to live right so, like,

Marnie 1:02:11
if I can stave that off, I will do Yeah, just It's mad though, just the attitude shift of being a very, very silly 1718, year old and for now, yeah,

Scott Benner 1:02:22
think that's just maturity or time, or is there something that happened to you that made you think, like, I should value my life more? Yeah,

Marnie 1:02:30
I think it's just the whole and I think this is for everyone really. Well, I don't know if everyone feels like this, but I think just, you just feel so untouchable when you're young, like, you just think, like, bad things happen to older people, or it's older people that get ill or pass away and things like that. And I just think you just feel like you're so untouchable that you can get away with all this stuff. And then as you get a bit older, yeah, and you just realize that it's not true, like you need to really look after yourself. You need to you are in charge of yourself, and it's only you could that can be sort of putting that effort in and making making sure that you're gonna have a long and healthy life.

Scott Benner 1:03:10
Wait till you get older and you wake up injured that I'll tell you, I'm not kidding, like you wake up from being asleep and you're like, Oh, I hurt myself while sleeping. Oh no. That's when you realize, oh, I'm old.

Marnie 1:03:23
You know what? I think that's dying already. I've got a recurring, like, nighttime neck injury,

Scott Benner 1:03:30
recurring nighttime neck injury, ah, yeah, we had to move hard and out of an apartment very quickly. So we, like, went on this 700 mile drive, got there, like, ate food and went to sleep and then got up, like at five in the morning, packed the car, then drove 700 miles home again. Is horrifying, but the part of it that is relevant to this is that we got there and I realized she had brought a friend with her. You know, she had a bed that she could sleep in, but her friend needed a place to sleep, too, and there was no other furniture because she hadn't fully moved into this space yet. No. So I just, I'm like, this will sound pejorative to some people, but I think it's just accurate. She's a girl, so she has a lot of pillows. So I said, let's just lay these pillows out in the shape of a mattress, and I'll tuck a sheet around them to hold them kind of tight, and I'll lay, I'll sleep on the floor. It's like, no big deal. And they're like, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, Well, where do you like this? Is it like? I make you guys say, Yeah, Holy Christ for a week, my neck.

Marnie 1:04:36
I'm not surprised. You've always look at like a makeshift bed like that. And you think that'll be fine. And then you sort of get on it and you you're like, Oh no, I'm not sleeping tonight at all. Listen,

Scott Benner 1:04:45
this is just for one person, but the editor, the guy who edits the show, he just went on, like this, like bike ride, where he he camped out in this, like, small tent that he kept. And I text him, bro, like, are you all right? Did you sleep in that? I. For choice. He chose this. I said to him too. I was like, you're old, you know, you got to be careful. Oh, yeah,

Marnie 1:05:05
no, my camping days behind me. 100%

Scott Benner 1:05:09
so let me ask you. So then this last bit here that I was going to ask you about is like, fear of judgment. Are you being judged, or you're afraid you're being judged and judged about what? No,

Marnie 1:05:19
I guess it was, this is sort of from when I first got diagnosed. It was, again, sort of the thing of not accepting it properly and outwardly. You could ask some of my friends, and they'd have forgotten I've got diabetes, because I just hide it. And it'd be things like, we'd sort of be sat in school cafeteria, and everyone's got the lunch. And I would, literally, sometimes I'd get my insulin pen out to do an injection, and people like, Oh, you're doing that here. Like, what? What's all that about? What are you doing? I just got into this sort of mentality of, I'll take myself off to the toilet, I'll do my insulin toilet away from everyone. And it was, sort of became a pattern then of me just like worrying that other people are going to be looking and I suppose judging me. I don't know what they'd be judging me for, but just sort of like it just felt very like all eyes were on me every time, and probably no one was looking at me. But I just had this feeling of, hey, pull in some pen out. Everyone's looking at me. Everyone's looking at the needle, everyone's whispering, everyone's wondering what I'm doing. So I did, I did have that a lot, sort of coming out of my teenage years, early 20s, where, again, I just secretly inject, had secretly decimal blood sugars. Or I would ignore it, because it didn't want people seeing me using all my equipment.

Scott Benner 1:06:42
So it was kind of self imposed. You just were Oh yeah,

Marnie 1:06:44
fully Yeah. Just a narrative in my head that yeah, I've just created. And again, I think it was just trying to feel a bit like normal. I thought of normal, right word, but just

Scott Benner 1:06:55
like everyone else, really just didn't want people looking at you.

Marnie 1:06:59
Yeah, I hate attention. I hate attention. So I was like, if one person looks at me, if that's it game over, I'm gonna be in the toilet eating my lunch, basically. But yeah, it was just Yeah, it was, it was something I had created in my head, this narrative that, oh, people are judging you, but really they weren't. They probably weren't asking questions about it and be interested in it, but I just hid it from everyone, like, hid it, didn't hide it from my friends, but just I wouldn't give too much away about it, really okay. And now you don't feel that way any longer. Oh no, I will make eye contact with someone on the bus and inject,

Scott Benner 1:07:38
like dead in the eye. It's happening. Watch me do it

Marnie 1:07:40
literally, if I see you looking I will hold the icon so you look away. Yes, I'm just, I'm not phased about stuff like that at all anymore, and I've got my Libra as well. So more than happy having that out and about. I love it when people come to me and ask me about it. I went to holidays Vegas last week, and I was literally, like, nudging my wife and like, Hey, does his next come over? There's no Omnipod over there. And I'm like, oh, and just having, like, really nice chats for people that are just what you sent to. And you'd be like, Oh, you too. And then you'd have just, like, a really nice conversation. I just, yeah, I love showing it off, basically now, like, just and then spotting, like, diabetes in the wild and going speaking to them

Scott Benner 1:08:21
I just saw in that post we talked about earlier today. Yeah, this person said I was just on a flight. I met two men, both had type one. This person has a like, a child with type one. They said that we had the best conversation, but then you came up. And I was like, Oh, I came up. Oh, finally, yeah, finally, the conversations going the way it should, but they talked for a while. They all knew the podcast like three strangers on an airplane. I was like, That's lovely. It

Marnie 1:08:49
is that sense of community, though. Because, like I said, I went to Vegas last week and I did a post in your Facebook group, just sort of being like, I've never been to America before. What should I be wary of, like, what a good snacks. I basically wanted to immerse myself in going full America. And I was like, what a really good low snacks I can go and buy loads of. And it actually made me a bit emotional, because it's just the outpouring of people being so helpful, but just wishing me to have, like, the best holiday and check out these amazing recommendations. And I ended saving loads on the phone. I just thought, how nice that people take, like, five minutes out the day to just be so helpful and want to help. And that I was like, I was just telling my boyfriend about it. I was like, it just, it just feels like such nice space where everyone's got each other's back and everyone's just so willing to help. It's a

Scott Benner 1:09:42
mass example of this experience you had with your mom. Honestly, you're just like, Oh, I understand their situation now and then you can just have more space for it. Or, you know, it's not that you're not empathetic for other people in general, but like, you just really don't know the depth of it until and. Every person that saw that thought, I know how this girl feels like she's gonna get on a plane and fly to a completely different place and she has diabetes. Yeah, it was just

Marnie 1:10:07
really nice, because everyone's just like, oh, go here. Try this. You'll have the best time. Have a great holiday. And I just thought, oh, like, just all these strangers just being so lovely. It was, it was just really, I just wore

Scott Benner 1:10:19
my heart Beautiful. All right, we're gonna stop there. I might call this episode slap bang, I don't know. Well, yeah, you should, because the bus came up a lot, by the way. Yeah,

Marnie 1:10:31
I didn't learn to drive until three years ago. That's probably why. Okay, I've been in a lot of busses in my time. Yeah.

Scott Benner 1:10:38
I mean, have you ever seen a shrunken head driving the bus, or that doesn't really happen, right?

Marnie 1:10:42
No, fortunately not, not in real life, okay, if you say so, still holding out hope, though, one day, yeah, what

Scott Benner 1:10:50
do you let me ask you before, before I let you go like you're coming here. What are you coming for? Just like, holiday or something specific.

Marnie 1:10:56
We actually came for wedding. Yeah? Holiday, Flash, wedding. Oh, nice.

Scott Benner 1:11:00
Oh, did you have a good time? Did you find us to be horrible? What was your situation? No, it's

Marnie 1:11:06
amazing. I loved it. It was it was just crazy. It felt like a bit of a fever dream Vegas, just like I couldn't quite grasp that it was real life, but it was such a good holiday. It was unreal.

Scott Benner 1:11:18
Yeah, I've never been there, but New York has that same feeling when you stand in the middle of Manhattan. Have you

Marnie 1:11:24
been to New York ever? No, no, I think that's a that's the next one when we sort of venture back over to America, yeah, open

Scott Benner 1:11:31
up your field of vision, and you're like, is this all really here? Like, who put this here? You know,

Marnie 1:11:36
there's just stuff going on all the time. I loved it. Yeah? It was so good. Good.

Scott Benner 1:11:40
Excellent. All right. Well, I appreciate this very much. Thank you for doing this with me. Can you hold on one second for me? Yeah, of course. Thank you.

Thanks for tuning in today, and thanks to Medtronic diabetes for sponsoring this episode. We've been talking about Medtronic mini med 780 G system today, an automated insulin delivery system that helps make diabetes management easier day and night, whether it's their meal detection technology or the Medtronic extended infusion set, it all comes together to simplify life with diabetes. Go find out more at my link, Medtronic diabetes.com/juicebox a huge thanks to us, med for sponsoring this episode of the juice box podcast. Don't forget us, med.com/juice box. This is where we get our diabetes supplies from. You can as well. Use the link or call 888-721-1514, use the link or call the number get your free benefits check so that you can start getting your diabetes supplies the way we do from us. Med, hey, thanks for listening all the way to the end. I really appreciate your loyalty and listenership. Thank you so much for listening. I'll be back very soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast. Are you starting to see patterns but you can't quite make sense of them? You're like, Oh, if I Bolus here, this happens, but I don't know what to do. Should I put in a little less, a little more? If you're starting to have those thoughts, you're starting to think this isn't going the way the doctor said it would. I think I see something here, but I can't be sure. Once you're having those thoughts, you're ready for the diabetes Pro Tip series from the Juicebox Podcast. It begins at Episode 1000 you can also find it at Juicebox podcast.com up in the menu, and you can find a list in the private Facebook group. Just check right under the featured tab at the top, it'll show you lists of a ton of stuff, including the Pro Tip series, which runs from episode 1000 to 1025 the episode you just heard was professionally edited by wrong way. Recording, wrong way recording.com, you.