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Scott Benner 0:00
Hello friends, and welcome to episode 1100 of the Juicebox Podcast.

My guest today is Claudia. She is 73 years old and was diagnosed with type one diabetes when she was 40. I want to warn everybody up front that Claudia is going to tell a long story about a long life. And there are going to be shocking I don't even know how to tell you this. Claudia is going to talk at some point about a molestation that she went through as a child. And it is not something that I knew about before we started where that was planned to be spoken about. And so it's going to be during a free flowing conversation. It's just going to come up and you're not going to be ready for it when it's said. So prepare yourself now. It's a small part of a very lovely life that Claudia has led. It is not her whole story. And in fact, just a very small piece of it. Please remember that nothing you hear on the Juicebox Podcast should be considered advice, medical or otherwise, always consult a physician before making any changes to your health care plan or becoming bold with insulin. This show is sponsored today by the glucagon that my daughter carries G voc hypo penne Find out more at G voc glucagon.com. Forward slash juicebox. I

Claudia 1:43
am Claudia. I have type one diabetes. I was diagnosed when I'm 40 and 73. Now

Scott Benner 1:54
Wow. You were 40 when you got to type one. Yes.

Speaker 1 1:58
And so everyone said I was type two. Yeah,

Scott Benner 2:01
I bet you they did especially 33 years ago. Do you remember anything about the diagnosis? That's a long time ago is why I said

Unknown Speaker 2:13
I have a whole story about that.

Scott Benner 2:16
I would like to hear it please.

Speaker 1 2:18
Really? Yeah, of course. Okay, well, I was working as a licensed massage therapist and a Wellness Educator. In the first all female medical practice in Cincinnati was called Deaconess women's care. And so I was surrounded by five physicians to psychologists, me a whole bunch of medical staff nurses. I walked around with a large bottle of Perrier, I could not get enough to drink. And I bought Perrier by that case, because I could not get enough to drink. And I my normal weight is 115. And I weighed 85 pounds.

Scott Benner 3:13
Oh my gosh, how long do you think it took for you to lose that weight? Like over weeks or months? I'd

Speaker 1 3:20
say months. I think I would it was coming on. For a long time. I I think in paint. In college, I couldn't stay awake to study unless I stood up. So I think my blood sugar had been going up and down for years. And for years. I knew there's something wrong with me. And I stayed off we tend I did all kinds of things.

Scott Benner 3:52
So you're getting diabetes. So you cut out wheat.

Speaker 1 3:57
Doctors said to do no one checked my blood sugar. Not one single

Scott Benner 4:03
person. Yeah. And you think this went on for years? Yeah,

Speaker 1 4:07
I think I was in therapy because I knew I I knew my brain didn't work right. And I got angry and tired. And it was just so hard being me. But I I saw I went to therapy. Now I think well, I really needed insulin. But I was in therapy. I was doing the macrobiotic diet. I was.

Scott Benner 4:34
You were trying right? You were doing everything you could think to do and did my best. Yeah, no kidding. What was that? 1990 7am I right about that? No 93 So

Speaker 1 4:48
people could take blood sugar in their offices in the mid 80s. Isn't that true?

Scott Benner 4:55
Not sure. But I'm trying to do I didn't do the math but if You've had this for 33 years. This was 1990. Yeah, yeah. So type one, management was kind of just going the way of faster acting insulin in the late 80s. Testing, like in home testing was there. But it wasn't great. It was in the kind of the very beginning of like, I believe, smaller machines, because in the late 80s, my friend had a glucose monitor. I mean, I guess, if you want to call it that, that, I mean, I have a computer that's smaller than the glucose monitor he had, you know, back then. So I do wonder, but no blood work, if they didn't send you out for like a CBC, like that kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 5:45
And the same thing was also going on, through the years, more than five years. My left kidney always ached, really. And I went from doctor to doctor, the doctor, like every six months, I'd go, I can't stand this anymore, and I go to someone else. And they'd say, well take it and biotics, so I do that that, of course, just made me sicker. And I drank water. And I took one physician said, Let's do exploratory surgery. Well, at least I knew not to do that.

Scott Benner 6:28
You're like, I'm not doing that. None of you have known anything yet. I'm definitely not lying to you cut me open. So

Speaker 1 6:34
I finally decided, really, after going to, I'd say maybe six to 10 different. I would just do it on occasion, I'd say I cannot stand this. But now I think the whole time. My kidney was suffering.

Scott Benner 6:55
Yeah, it sounds like you just had like a lotta and you had a very slow onset of type one diabetes. That's terrible. And nobody know.

Speaker 1 7:04
And I think my personality really was affected. And I, I, I was married at the time. And I think that poor man, it was like living with the

Scott Benner 7:17
crazy person. And you actually thought you were having mental illness. Right?

Speaker 1 7:21
I actually thought I was crazy. I felt crazy. I bet. So that's why on the podcast, when people are saying, This is so hard, and my child, it's so hard, and I'm saying please get a hold. All I think that all I think the therapy did for me was it did give me skills in acting more normal. Like I would say to myself, what would a normal person do going on? And I would try to do that quite a bit. Do

Scott Benner 7:58
you think that after you got your blood sugar under control that those things go away? Or did you

Speaker 1 8:03
oh my god, yeah, my whole personality got, it became much easier to be myself. Sure. And I'm always still wanting to make amends to everyone. I dealt with me during those years.

Scott Benner 8:23
Yeah, but you wasn't you really?

Speaker 1 8:26
Well, it wasn't me, but it's your look like me and acted like man, I still responsible for the people and my behavior, even though Yeah, yes, my life got easier. I thought I wasn't compulsive eater. Because you know, when you're low you'll like, and even when I'm high, I want to eat. I think I was always low or high. So I was in doing Overeaters Anonymous because I was sure it was a compulsive eater. But now I never am not

Scott Benner 9:02
something, you just that fluctuation of insulin can can really impact your hunger that for a person who doesn't have diabetes, as well,

Speaker 1 9:10
it just my whole life got easier. And I just thought, Oh, my goodness.

Scott Benner 9:19
Yeah. Well, it's something how a small change can make such a big difference. I'm sitting here so I don't normally do this. In video, I don't usually talk to people where I can see them and they can see me so I doing this for you today, which I'm happy to do. But I've lost 17 pounds. And I keep I keep looking at myself in the video thinking that doesn't look like me. But it really like I'm like, I haven't looked like that since I feel like three years ago, maybe. And it's off putting like right now while you and I are talking I'm having trouble like, anyway, just this small and what was the small change? I've been talking about a little bit on the podcast, but I started taking We go V for weight loss, which is really ozempic. But rebranded and you know, allows doctors to prescribe it for weight loss. And I can't tell you like how different it feels, just to have either have a, I guess, I guess I have now the right amount of GLP, one of my system or my body's using it more effectively, one of the other, like, kind of no different than a thyroid medication like, right, like when people need thyroid medication, they're making T three, but they don't use it correctly. So you put it in an amount that kind of forces your body to take it up. And I feel like that's happening now. And just my day to day life is different. So I can't imagine you with your blood sugar, you know, bouncing up and then wondering if you're out of your mind. That's gotta be a terrible existence. And you said a man you used to be married to did this breakup your marriage?

Unknown Speaker 10:54
I believe it did. Yeah.

Scott Benner 10:56
I'm so sorry. It was a good man. Yeah. Does he know have you been able to talk to him and tell him or? No,

Speaker 1 11:03
he we were married for 20 years and I'm pretty sure most of it i Well, I'm the blood sugar's stuff started in college. So I was married. My senior year in college. She's back so sorry, requested that we not be in contact. And I thought that's the least I can do to honor him.

Scott Benner 11:31
He didn't do anything super weird digit Claudia. Did you know No. He didn't wake up one day with you hold the pair of scissors talking about something. Okay,

Speaker 1 11:41
I control my behavior. Well, that's good. But I didn't I felt weird. I felt like I could murder and kill. But I never did.

Scott Benner 11:53
How long after your marriage broke up? Did you figure out you had type one? Well,

Speaker 1 11:58
that's I think my contribution because when my former husband finally said he fell in love with someone else, and had been in love with someone else. He told me for a year and a half. So he left and I used to lie on the couch. In our big house.

Scott Benner 12:24
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Speaker 1 13:37
Say please do not let me wake up. I just I was still undiagnosed then. Yeah. And so I just didn't know how I could continue. And but I kept waking up. So then I changed my prayer to please let me find a non violent way to commit suicide, which now I always chuckle when I hear that, that you can't commit suicide in a non violent way. Pretty

Scott Benner 14:15
much all the ways out are going to be violent one way or the other. I mean, maybe maybe pills but that's neither here nor there.

Speaker 1 14:22
No violence to your body. Of course. Yeah. But I within I never know the exact day I was diagnosed. I don't remember that. And I can't get that information. But within two, I'd say one or two months. I was diagnosed with type one diabetes which answered my prayer exactly, which is if I screwed up, I won't wake up. And with insulin, I always have a way to commit suicide that will be relatively easy. How

Scott Benner 15:03
long did you feel like that? Like, how long? How long did you feel like, oh, maybe I'll make a mistake. And this will be over.

Speaker 1 15:10
I was praying for a way out. But I didn't. I didn't know enough about anything like diabetes to pray for that specific thing.

Scott Benner 15:23
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 1 15:24
But I, my main lesson was, oh, my gosh, what I hold in my mind, I really get. I mean, now I have a way that I might not wake up. And I can leave when I want to. That's I didn't get cancer, I didn't get any of the things that under high stress, you could have gotten a diagnosis. And so Well, I'll tell you ever since then, I watch what I think you don't

Scott Benner 16:05
want to write because what if I guess what if you would have left before finding out that there was a way to honestly take care of all the problems you've been having your whole life, right? And just insulin did that for you?

Speaker 1 16:17
Insulin did that. To take care of the mood and the exhaustion and the all those consequences of high and low blood sugar. But insulin, realizing, I think that gave me the courage to start a new life. Well,

Scott Benner 16:42
yeah, maybe for the first time since you were a young girl, right? You had some stability and and you are yourself enough to think, wow, that's something. So did you. I guess, first of all, how did they start you with insulin? Was it? Were you doing regular an MPH or? No, was it No, first,

Speaker 1 17:01
they started me on Metformin. But my blood sugar only came down to 300. It was 900 Death diagnosis, gosh. And I was functioning. I mean, I was working full time and doing everything. Thriving, just feeling weird. But since I had always felt weird, I just kept going. The people around me before I was diagnosed, they said to two different people said my one friend, Mary Lynn. She said, Claudia, you are too thin. And then my other one of the nuns at work where I was a teacher said, You look like a child from Ethiopia. My ribs showed right? Why was Why did I start talking about?

Scott Benner 18:02
Well, I was wondering about what your management was like when Oh, okay. Yeah. So

Speaker 1 18:07
after they no one took a C peptide. Okay. But they just said, they concluded which I now would conclude immediately. You're a type one, but just because of my weight as well, maybe? I could be wrong about that.

Scott Benner 18:30
Yeah. But people make assumptions. So if you were super skinny, and definitely had diabetes, but they thought type two, they might say okay, well, you know, what's that old thinking would have been if they're not heavy than they don't have type two. So it must maybe it just got them thinking in the other direction. I mean, you know, also

Unknown Speaker 18:48
my age was 40. So that I think people

Scott Benner 18:54
weren't looking for type ones to be diagnosed at that age, either. You weren't. And

Speaker 1 18:58
these were my friends, these, the doctors in that practice, were my friends. They were all watching me walk around. The big joke was, like, different friends went on a road trip with me to Atlanta. We went to Bob Evans for breakfast, and I ordered a number one and number three. And then number four. They said Claude, you cannot eat that much. And I said, I'm holding back. Yeah, I could not get enough food and I could not get enough water. But I weighed 85 pounds. So even my one friend Linda, who was my doctor, she took me out to breakfast ones and she saw him much I ate she said, Claude, you're eating so much. But no one put it together.

Scott Benner 19:52
That's something. No. Well, eventually they did right. So do you start with me you start with Jack shins, do you go to an insulin pump at some point,

Speaker 1 20:03
now was a long time till I went to a pump. And I forget how many years I always did check my blood sugar at least 10 times a day. Somehow I knew I could not do it. Once I started on insulin without checking a lot I am and my doctor would only give me four strips a day. And my insurance would only pay for that much. Yeah. So I was like dealing in blood sugar strips in the back alleys. I mean, I somehow I bought enough strips to do it 10 times day.

Scott Benner 20:50
Did you really you bought them on the kind of on the black market? Bottom

Speaker 1 20:53
here and there. And I just

Scott Benner 20:57
You Don't Know What gave you that feeling? That idea? Like I need to have more data than what I have. Was it fear? I mean, I'd be if I always tried to put myself in that position. I don't know how you'd give yourself insulin without knowing what was happening. It must have been frightening.

Speaker 1 21:12
I might not have known enough to be free.

Unknown Speaker 21:16
That sounds like Yeah.

Speaker 1 21:19
At the the office where I worked medical office, when I started on insulin, they gave me a meter from the office. So I could check. Because my friend Linda, the doctor said, Claude, you have to go in the hospital. And I said, I'm not going in the hospital, the food alone, no kill you. I wouldn't go in. I said, if I'm unconscious, you can take me. But I'm up walking around doing five massages a day, doing everything I do. I'm not going in the hospital. She said, well, then find yourself another doctor. We just got into it. But in the end, she said, Call me every morning with your blood sugar. And I'll tell you how much insulin to take. Well, now I know. That was silly. I mean, I'm amazed I lived with my parents. I was Yeah,

Scott Benner 22:22
I mean, I'm looking at you now. I'm I'm very, like pleased with how healthy you appear. So do you have any side of like, side effects or anything long term complications?

Speaker 1 22:32
My feet hurt sometimes. Okay, but I don't know if that's diabetes. But that just started in the last year.

Scott Benner 22:41
My feet have been hurting for a while. But that's for other reasons. I think they're actually getting better as I lose weight, which I don't think would be surprising to anybody. My knee feels better to me. Yeah, but Okay, so do you ever remarry?

Unknown Speaker 23:00
No,

Scott Benner 23:01
did you want to?

Speaker 1 23:02
Well, I started out with the belief of now no one will ever love me with this big problem of diabetes. And my friend Linda said, Oh, you're more interesting with diabetes. Yes, yes. someone to love me. And actually, Linda love me and I'm a straight woman. But I fell in love with Linda and Linda fell in love with me. So I think that's maybe why wasn't real afraid. I have a doctor. Now. The doctor thought she was very good with diabetes. That was her reputation. I and I trusted her. I said, Oh, great. So I wasn't afraid because I as Linda,

Scott Benner 23:53
you and Linda were

Speaker 1 23:54
a couple. Yes, we turned into a couple was amazing. Oh, that's

Scott Benner 23:59
how long? How long? How old were you when that happened? And how long did you

Speaker 1 24:03
already I was 40. And it took a long time because I've only love men since and before. But I think if my mind had been you know how a orphaned baby duck will last long or what's that word glam on to the first thing they see when they love them. I think I had been feeling crummy for so long. That I didn't have a capacity to love. So now I'm on insulin. I start feeling better. There is Linda taken care me. Oh, love her.

Scott Benner 24:43
How long were you together? We

Speaker 1 24:46
were together for two years. And the the poignant part is Linda was an MD and she saw what I was doing with my body work and the different kinds of minds allergies I was using. And she started referring everyone to me. She said, Claude, I don't think I'm helping people. So she knew there was a whole part of the practice of medicine that she didn't know. And she thought I knew it. And, and I kind of did know, things she didn't know. So the two of us together, we, we were pretty good team. Yeah. And so we decided to do a study and get it published. And that's how I was diagnosed. I was already type one, but didn't know it and functioning pretty well. And we decided to do this study about depression. So the way in my modality I took care of depression is a technique called cranial sacral therapy. Because we're taught that depression is actually compression, of the bones of the skull. And if it doesn't have an external cause, if the depression isn't, by something obvious, like somebody died or something, then sometimes it is just compression of the bones of the skull. And this very gentle body work can free that. So Linda was very depressed. So she said, I want this cranial sacral therapy. And she said, If someone comes to me, and they're depressed, I take their blood sugar, and I take their thyroid. So she said, I'll take your blood sugar and thyroid, you help me with cranial sacral therapy. And that'll be the beginning of our study, is how to help depression with these two modalities. So as soon as I took the blood test, she called me at 11 o'clock that night, said, Claude, how are you doing? And I said, I'm fine. She said, Well, please come in tomorrow, even though it was my day off, because we ought to check this number. Again. This, she said, This can't be you. They just call me from the lab and said, contact this person, whoever she is, because she's probably in a coma. said, This can't be you. We must have done this wrong, but it was me. And it was hired the next day. And that's when she said, You've got to go in the hospital. And I said, Never. And so I I did whatever I did without going in the hospital.

Scott Benner 27:50
No kidding. Yeah. And so but she's prescribing, like your medication for you to as your doctor like insulin, things like that, that you need you're getting from your doctor, and you just all

Speaker 1 28:02
I got was insulin. Okay. But anyway, I got distracted because Linda had suffered from depression, her whole life. And she ended up committing suicide. Oh, I'm so sorry. Here's Yeah, it was a huge, huge sometimes. I mean, it's unspeakable really what suicide does but was also a huge gift. Because boy did I wake up about when somebody says they're suicidal. You better believe them? Yeah.

Scott Benner 28:40
So sorry. That's my still hurt even all these years later.

Speaker 1 28:48
Just gives me compassion for people. Suicide, she was suffering so much, but such a good doctor. But when people found out she committed suicide, everyone kind of was mad at her. You know, like, God. How could she do that? So many people need her and that kind of lack of awareness of if someone is even thinking about suicide, they're really suffering. Yeah. So it's just woke me up. And before one of the when we were working together and helping people and our little health center. I said, Well, Linda, tell me what vitamins to take. I mean, you're the perfect person for me and I have right now because I need help getting well. And here what's her gift? Claude, I am not trained to get you well. I am trained to keep you from dying. I mean, you'll have to get well some other way. And so that became my job, how to get well and stop relying on physicians to do for me what they're not trained

Scott Benner 30:15
to do. Yeah. That's very smart. It was

Speaker 1 30:19
her great gift to me. Now, I think some physicians now are broadening their training in their interests to help people get well. But back in that lintas day, she knew she wasn't trying to get people well. And that's why she was so depressed.

Scott Benner 30:43
Yeah, no, I mean, it's it's a cloudy, it's super. It's obvious, right? You, you have a problem. You go to a doctor, you say I'm having a problem. I'd like to not be having this problem anymore. You never go to that doctor and say, Hi, you're a cardiologist, for example, I don't ever want to have a heart attack. So how would I do that? And if you ask the cardiologist that they'd be like, you have to go talk to a nutritionist. They wouldn't they wouldn't get involved in that. It's it's really just, she's right. It's the way it's set up. And you had a gift of my life. Yeah, you have to take care of yourself. You really do. Well,

Speaker 1 31:19
you don't have enough information to do that. So we turn to that whole level of medicine and health, which are my herbal is my licensed massage therapist, my cranial sacral people, my Feldenkrais people, they're the ones who keep me well. That's

Scott Benner 31:40
something. So how do you do that for your diabetes? Now, all these years later? I mean, well, let me ask you this first, actually, what do you call? Success? Like, what are you shooting for blood sugar's variability? What are your goals?

Speaker 1 31:56
I'm shooting for and this is only because of this podcast. Oh, okay. Even though enough to shoot for this, I'm shooting for an A one C in the mid fives. 95% time and range.

Scott Benner 32:10
Are you doing that? Oh, no.

Speaker 1 32:13
I, I when I first started listening to you and heard people are going, you know, much closer to normal a onesies. I, I went, Oh, cuz I had been taught, I'm doing great at a seven. And I was like, proud of myself. I'm at a seven all these years 30 however many years that was. Now I'm here and go lower. So I go to my doctor. And I'm going to name names here. But this I was in Colorado at the time. And I was going to the Barbara Davis Clinic, which in Denver. It's a it's a well known teaching hospital or clinic for diabetes. Of course, I go into my doctor and I said, look, look, I want to be 95% time and ranging. And they went see him in the mid fives and he said that's impossible. How long ago was this? 2022

Scott Benner 33:16
Huh. That's interesting. Okay. Barbara

Unknown Speaker 33:19
Davis Clinic.

Scott Benner 33:21
Yeah, I'm not I'm not following.

Speaker 1 33:21
Oh, my gosh. So I know by then, you know, I'm not there to convince him of anything. So he just gave me mine next, whatever I was there for and but so now I'm starting to try to do it myself.

Scott Benner 33:40
For you. How are you trying to? How are you trying to accomplish that?

Speaker 1 33:43
Oh, you know, I listened to the podcast and I'm more bold with insulin and I giving myself and not letting it go so high. I do have a CGM Anna, Dex calm. Yeah, but I didn't get very good training on those. I mean, I'm just now starting to really work on my settings. And still when I eat. Oh, I'm learning the Pre-Bolus. That's thought that's my challenge. Remembering before you eat. Oh, I remember but I don't want to do it.

Scott Benner 34:24
That's very honest. Claudia. How long? How long have you been listening to me?

Speaker 1 34:30
I started listening to you when I was in Colorado. So that means a year and a half

Scott Benner 34:35
about and what was your agency a year and a half ago? It was always

Speaker 1 34:40

777. Now on my own, I've gotten it down to 6.20. That's amazing. I had many days, many days in the 85% range, but I even got one and the 98 Was

Scott Benner 34:59
it 85 is pretty good first of all, but you know, that's Oh, 6.2 is astonishing. Good for you. Seriously,

Speaker 1 35:08
but now I know I can get the five so, but I still it's luck. I don't really have this. I don't really can't predict. Now my settings. I know my basil is good because if I don't eat anything, I'm pretty steady. Yeah, it is I eat. I eat the same thing to let God mastered. But something's going on that I don't get. So my one of my favorite things is half an avocado on a piece of zekiel Toast. Okay, that's really solid breakfast oh, with, I make my own alfalfa spouts. So I pile loads on there. And I It told me for hours. But I ate that for like a couple of weeks because it's really working. It's 2.5 units. I wait, I eat it. And I'm Smith itself. Well, about a week ago, I stopped working. And I peeked, I spiked. Like for hours, I couldn't get down. And I thought what? So now I have a new trick. And I think I heard you say this. I raised my basil for a couple of hours. So I have a new profiles called high. And it gives me a three unit per hour. Basil. Wow. Which is a whole lot. Now I have to remember to turn that off in a half hour, or else I'm dealing with big lows later.

Scott Benner 36:54
What pump Do you have? T slim? are using control IQ or no? Yes, yeah. Oh, so you're doing can you do with Temp Basal on it temporary, so it shuts off on its own?

Speaker 1 37:06
Well, I think that would be the answer. But I don't know that yet. And I'm seeing a new Endo. I'm back in Ohio now, which is where I'm from. I'm seeing a new Endo. Tomorrow. I was going to ask her. You know, it just depends. When I go in some endos I started calling around in Ohio for a new endo because it was going to be here and I said can you help me with my goal of a one C of 5.5 time and range in the 90s? They all said to one no. That's not you'll get too many lows with that's not the way I can't find that. No, yeah, you might not I finally decided I'll just take the endo that my insurance tells me to go to. And I'm gonna have to keep doing this myself. Now if I have a lot of extra money. I would hire Jenny.

Scott Benner 38:12
Well, author,

Speaker 1 38:14
I have the amount of money I have. Yeah. And so

Scott Benner 38:22
but I mean, but clearly a 6.2 is fantastic. Like, I mean, it's really terrific. But you should be celebrating that every day. I'm not saying if you if you don't want better if you can't work on it, but you shouldn't think of this as not a success. This is very successful to me.

Speaker 1 38:42
Yeah, and I am a new regular nd and she took a seat peptidome me the other day when I told her my one seat. She didn't believe on type what's funny. She's not but she's a lovely woman, but she's not real familiar with diabetes body be

Scott Benner 39:01
carrot don't turn her. Okay. I don't you're gonna get this one too. As a as a girlfriend. Oh,

Speaker 1 39:10
I don't I just I'm not even looking for a partner right now. Because I'm, I'm having this wonderful time on my life. Well, I've had a wonderful time since I was 60. I thought honey, you are 60 Maybe you better do what you really, really want to do. I had always kind of done what I really wanted to do, but undone was I wanted to be with horses. And for some reason I had a story. There's horses out west. i There's tons of great horses and horse trainers here in Ohio. But I had a story. I had to go out west.

Scott Benner 39:53
So how long did you move out there?

Speaker 1 39:56
Well, when I 60 I just apply went for a job on a ranch at 60 with no experience who would hire me? They did.

Scott Benner 40:07
And how long were you there? Well,

Speaker 1 40:09
I would it was seasonal. Most of my jobs had been seasonal. So I just, I don't know, I wouldn't do that. Now. I don't have the energy now. But I had the idea. I just kept saying, Okay, this season's over. Where are you gonna go now? So I would find the next place. So I went, Cody, Wyoming, Nebraska, Idaho, and Colorado, and stayed and stayed and stayed till the next thing opened up. Wow.

Scott Benner 40:44
You just made me cry a little? Do you know that?

Speaker 1 40:47
The joy of my life? Yeah,

Scott Benner 40:51
that's really lovely. Good for you.

Speaker 1 40:53
I gotta tell you why it's connected with diabetes, please. And also after that time, somehow, diabetes, just, I did have a few incidents where I went low. I never needed help with lows. Until I was in my 60s. And then I did pass out. And my poor people I was living with had to call 911. And that was so stressful for them. Yeah. But anyway, I first I think got this horse going out west idea. Because when I was 10, my mom sent me out to live with my uncle, who is a forest ranger in Elko, Nevada in the Humboldt National Forest. And I was by myself. By myself, he's out doing forest ranger stuff and I'd get up and I have three Hershey bars for breakfast, then my horse tends Bob would always be saddled out there and I would climb up on him and Bri around till lunch, and I'd come in and I made this was my typical lunch. I made raw cake batter and ate the whole bowl. Amazed I didn't have diabetes, even sooner, but my mother fed us really good food. Okay, so back in Ohio, I was eating normally. But out there, man, nobody cared. I just say what I wanted. But I love being out there because I didn't really get along with my mother. I have a story. She didn't like me. And that may have been true. But so I was thrilled to be with my uncle who was nice and gave me a horse and didn't make me do any work. And I love being out there. And I think then, but the sad part was at night. There was incest. Wait, but wait, with my uncle. But even with that weird, I didn't know when interest was and I didn't know what was going on. But I liked my uncle. And he was nice to me. So every night I felt weird, but it was a trade off because he got me cowboy boots. And he let me drive this truck all around. And how, how old were you then? I was 10. And then the next year? I was 11. Wait,

Scott Benner 43:28
I'm so sorry. Claudia. Let me make sure I understand correctly. He was touching you inappropriately when you were 10. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 43:36
But I didn't know. I didn't know to say I knew I didn't like that. But he was so nice, in all the other ways. And he wasn't mean like my mother. So I even wrote my mother a letter and said, I want to live with George. I don't want to come home. I want to go to the mountain city school and but Georgia never asked me to live. I wanted that. That's how much I didn't like living with my mom. How long

Scott Benner 44:07
did that go on? For

Unknown Speaker 44:08
two summers?

Scott Benner 44:10
Wow, you took me by surprise. I have to be honest. That's

Speaker 1 44:14
why I have that's why this is after dark. Yeah. Also, I mean, it may even be in midnight, it may be more than after.

Scott Benner 44:24
Honestly, Claudia, I've been thinking recently of starting up a string of episodes that you have to pay to listen to. And that would be that would be very, like just beyond what even after dark is and I don't know you might have just qualified just the first one. I swear to you like you just like I swear to God, I thought you were mispronouncing insects. I thought you were saying the only thing I didn't like weather or insects at night and I thought I misunderstood her. So I now we're talking I need to ask you, was he raping you or touching You know,

Speaker 1 45:02
I'd say what's a call when you touch inappropriately and this is hard for me to say but he is. He would ejaculated on me at night. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. And, but I didn't know what ejaculation was. So I thought I wet like I was always getting embarrassed. I'd say, oh my god, I wet my pants. I've never done that in years, and I would go to the bathroom change my wear. How are you? I was all mixed

Scott Benner 45:35
up. Listen, it's 63 years later and all but how do you have such a good? Oh, I don't understand how much

Speaker 1 45:44
therapy Yeah, I have done more therapy out the WHA hoo. And I think it really helped me but I gotta tell you this about my uncle. Because you usually ask people, does anyone in your family have type one? You didn't ask me

Scott Benner 46:01
that? Well, no, I don't know what to ask you about your family now. But go ahead, does anybody in your family

Speaker 1 46:07
was the only type one in my family, my uncle. But now through all the therapy, see, I waited to do my horse and going out west thing. And sagebrush, I love the smell of sagebrush, I think it took me that long to kind of just deal with the craziness of incest, which really makes people crazy. And remember the benefits of the gifts of that time in my life, the gifts of that time in my life were horses, sagebrush being out west. And so it made sense to me that all of a sudden at age 60, because I'm done, I in therapy, or incest doesn't wake me up at night, or I am just complete with that. And now I get to do the fun stuff I learned being at West, so I got to go. But the big trauma and this is still going on. And with me. The big trauma wasn't my uncle. It was my family. Because my uncle was the favorite uncle of our whole family. We all we have great uncles. I mean, I really, they'll never listen to this. So I'm not gonna hurt anyone's feelings. But all of our uncles are good guys. But it was the favorite. Because he was out west. And yeah, to horses. I mean, the whole story. So when I got back from being out west, and finally kind of woke up to what George was doing was not healthy. Yeah. And I started to process all that. I didn't tell anything to my family. But my family, we always tell songs and stories about George. And once I had a friend there with me, my friends all knew my incest story, but my family did not. And they said, Claudia, why is your family singing songs in front of you about the man who molested you? And I said, Well, they didn't know. So then my therapist said, well, and my friend said, Claudia, you should see yourself, you kind of shrink away that nothing. So I said, I am going to tell. So and I thought, I'm the oldest of 10, and a mom and a dad. So I thought my family would say, Oh, we're so sorry. Of course, we won't talk about that when you're there. Right? They all got mad at me said it was lying. My mother especially because it was her brother. It kept going on and on. Like I'd say just don't talk about them when I'm there. But they couldn't. For some reason, there was enough lack of respect or lack of trust in me or and so that's when I did leave my family. How old were you? When I was 60 is when it was all like, See, I don't know these years so well. But somehow it was perfect for me to go out west because I had to get away from this group of people who acted like so

Scott Benner 49:51
you're you're out west around 10 years old.

Speaker 1 49:54
That first outlet yeah till 12 But

Scott Benner 49:58
then when you ask your family not to speak about him any longer. How old? Just yeah, it was in my 50s. Really? You were an adult at that point? Oh, yeah. And

Speaker 1 50:09
my family but led by my mother. Just My poor mom. She could not find a way to remember. When I'm around. She I don't want to hear her stories about. Yeah.

Scott Benner 50:26
So help me for a minute, though. So you're for 40 years, you have this secret from your family, but you do share it with your friends. And you've talked about it in therapy. Is that right? Yeah,

Speaker 1 50:37
I was taking care of myself about that. I did. Oh, my family would be so have such a hard time with that. Yeah. But now what I really think is, it goes back to my relationship with my mother. And I think most moms would remember. Their kid was molested. And don't bring that up. She could not how old? Was she at that point? Oh, man. Um, I don't know. I mean, she's a grown up lady. Like, it's not that she has dementia, right?

Scott Benner 51:15
I mean, I'm saying if you're 50 at that point, is she 70?

Speaker 1 51:21
Right now she is 96.

Scott Benner 51:24
Okay, so she's 83. She's 23 years older than you see, she was your age when you were 50. She was 73 when you were 50. So, and she didn't want to hear about it. Was her brother still alive at that point?

Unknown Speaker 51:41
Yes.

Scott Benner 51:42
Is he now?

Unknown Speaker 51:43
Yeah, he died.

Scott Benner 51:46
Can I ask you? Did it make you feel any certain way when he passed away?

Speaker 1 51:50
No, I didn't know. I just feel kind of grateful that I got to be with horses and out west. And my uncle. He clearly had a sick piece. Yeah, yeah. Most of my experience with him was he was so much nicer to me than my mother, that I

Scott Benner 52:16
exist. So your experience at home was so terrible, that being being molested by a guy who was otherwise kind to you, was preferable to you. But trade off? Oh, my gosh. All right. Well, Claudia, I add that to the list of things I didn't think anyone would ever say to me,

Speaker 1 52:34
I wouldn't say it was a good trade off. But right now, in this moment, I don't have a screen G feeling or a stomach ache or anything when I think of it. And I also don't have that with my mother anymore. Because guess what? Now my mother does have dementia. And when I I go to see her on occasion, I'm not taking the responsibility that my siblings believe I should be taking. Yeah, I don't have a deep connection.

Scott Benner 53:16
Yeah, I can't imagine why you wouldn't. But

Speaker 1 53:21
my siblings do not understand that or hear it? Or they they're just they have their own beliefs. Yeah.

Scott Benner 53:32
Do you think your uncle molested anyone else in your family?

Speaker 1 53:35
I asked. Because the second year I went, my little sister went with me. And I asked her directly. Did anything happen to you? And she said, No. But I was glad she went with me. Because when I first told about George, in my effort to say, Hey, don't talk about this when I'm there. And people didn't believe me. But my sister who was there by then have enough memories of things. She spoke up for me and said to my mother, it really did happen. So my mother believed my sister even though my mother never believed me. But I think that just said, When I stepped back, it's I said, if a mother could treat her daughter like that, the break in the bond happened much earlier. We just hadn't built a bond but the miracle is now when I go see my mother, she forgot she doesn't like me. Her tone of voice is loving, just like she used to speak to the other children and I I couldn't hear it was different.

Scott Benner 54:58
Yeah. So you Are your

Speaker 1 55:01
voices really kind and loving? I'm like, Oh, brother, I had to wait a long time to get apartment loves me. But here she is.

Scott Benner 55:13
I mean, it really one of the benefits of a long life, right is that you're able to have this much distance and clarity about something that I mean, you just describe something I think would mess most people up pretty, pretty badly. And I mean, it's upsetting to listen to, I don't know how it would feel to have it happen. So. But you're you feel like you're on the other side of so many things like your relationship with your mom.

Speaker 1 55:39
I'll tell you, my mother, my story, my belief, and because you never really know, maybe she did love me, but I looked like someone she didn't love or I never know. Yeah, I would not say but who knows what happened to my mother? Yeah. Well, I

Scott Benner 56:02
mean, something bad happened to your to her brother. So I would imagine some she's had an impact just the way he did. I mean, and honestly, if you're 70 Let's think about this. If you're 73 Now,

Speaker 1 56:16
what year were you born? 4949.

Scott Benner 56:20
Which makes your mom born like around the around the depression. Maybe?

Unknown Speaker 56:27
I you

Scott Benner 56:29
do the math? Well, you just said she's How old 8696 96? Jesus? Hold on a second. These are bigger numbers. I'm going to do some guesses. I got three. And then I take to your mom's 23 year old 23 years younger than you you were born in 49. Six, if she was born in 26, just after the depression, so I bet you she didn't grow up well at all. And George either or and how many kids? Do you know how many aunts and uncles High Five kids broke ass people? I bet you she went through some stuff, too. I'm not excusing anything. But I bet you they didn't grow up. Well. Did you ever have children?

Speaker 1 57:09
No. You know what? The oldest? 10 I never wanted children. I was so clear.

Scott Benner 57:16
You're the oldest of 10. Yes. Holy hell. We

Speaker 1 57:22
were tapped in. So I'm not a practicing Catholic now. But yeah,

Scott Benner 57:26
I mean, you've you've said enough that would get me away from religion too, but tend to you. Oh, oh, hold on. Do you think your mom didn't want kids? Do you think she was pissed at you for being there?

Unknown Speaker 57:36
She wanted kids she was a

Scott Benner 57:38
boy. Does she want a boy you think first?

Speaker 1 57:42
Well, I'll tell you Scott. I've taught I've trained myself to stop spending my time trying to figure out about my mother here. Because I I was really obsessed with. My mother doesn't love me, my mother. That was my dominant stress in my life. Yeah, it was much bigger than diabetes. It was much bigger than divorce. It's been the challenge of my life. But now I just am really coming to experience. My mother's beliefs and stories are not my business. Okay. Yeah. In my business, to be in this moment. And have a good life

Scott Benner 58:34
quality you are from another generation. And I am very impressed by how you handled everything in your life. We in an hour, in an hour. I started off thinking, I'm going to interview this nice older woman who likes to ride horses. That's what I thought I was going to do. Right? And then we get on you been married, divorced, had diabetes undiagnosed for so long. You thought you had mental illness. You were molested as a child. Your mother didn't love you. You I fell in love with a woman dated her for two years she took her own life. Your life essence is so jam packed with amazing stories and pain and suffering and love and forgiveness and redemption. It's just it's amazing. You're like a Hallmark movie. Plus some. Do you know that about yourself? Do you know that? Well,

Speaker 1 59:30
all I know is now and starting at age 60 When I left my mother and my family I am happy almost all the time. Please content

Scott Benner 59:45
good for you. But that's amazing. I'm so glad for you. You know like just what a wonderful I mean what uh, what the your story is built of terrible pieces, but the overall story is, is lovely. Yeah, Yeah,

Speaker 1 1:00:00
in fact, right now I get to build this wonderful little cabin and live in one of the most beautiful parts of the woods. In Ohio of all the places I've been. Ohio as the most beautiful woods.

Scott Benner 1:00:18
You're building it can't wait. You're building a cabin in the woods. Yeah,

Speaker 1 1:00:22
well, my friends are, are really building it, but I get to live in.

Scott Benner 1:00:26
Wow, Cody. Are you a hippie? You think of yourself as a hippie?

Speaker 1 1:00:31
You don't do actually kind of conservative you.

Scott Benner 1:00:36
That's amazing. Okay, it's amazing. You're terrific.

Speaker 1 1:00:42
I didn't go to Woodstock or you smoke weed. Did you know about Woodstock?

Scott Benner 1:00:50
Oh my god Woodstock. I know everything about what's probably too young. Oh, no Hendrix. Was there fish? Who else was there? Um, doesn't appeal

Speaker 1 1:00:57
to me at all. You don't like that? Okay, I would not think

Scott Benner 1:01:02
so. Wait a minute. So you don't you've never smoked weed.

Speaker 1 1:01:06
Oh, I only smoked weed for one year of my life. And that was I don't know why my husband, my former husband didn't want to have sex with me. But he didn't. And, and I loved having sex. And so I how I survived those 20 years was I had affairs and I'm not proud of that. And it was hurtful. And but what I like about myself is I had integrity. I said, I'm going to have an affair. And I say to myself now why didn't you just get divorced? But the I have enough Catholic left in me that we don't get divorced. And my former husband had that same part. Right?

Scott Benner 1:01:58
Where did the weed come in? Now? Hold on. Oh, well, anyway,

Speaker 1 1:02:01
yeah, I smoked weed for with a good friend of ours. God, I still do have a shame that I did this. But that I think took enough down of my barriers that I had an affair with. Okay,

Scott Benner 1:02:19
hey, this is an interesting question for your because of your generation. Are you more ashamed of milking weed or cheating?

Unknown Speaker 1:02:27
Oh, I'm more ashamed. There's

Scott Benner 1:02:29
cheating cheating, because it hurts somebody's shame about smoking. Weed. You didn't have any. Okay. Wow. I just want to say Claudia's getting a drink right now. And I want to put out there to anybody listening. When you come on the podcast. This is the level of honesty I'm looking for right here. This is your Can I curse? Claudia, you're amazing. I love this. I swear to God, this is the greatest, like, from my perspective, like you understand, like, I got on this morning. And I was like, Oh, 73 year old lady with diabetes. I don't know what we're gonna talk about. I didn't think we're going to talk about any of this. This is really, this. You being on the show, is what makes this show so great. So thank you so much. I mean, it's amazing. Like, like if I said to you right now, tell me a crazy story that hasn't come up yet. Just one pop into your mind. Something you've done that you think people would be like, Wow, that's astonishing.

Speaker 1 1:03:25
I know the most something I'm the most proud at. I did go ahead. And this was before I was diagnosed, but I'm sure I was already suffering. This is Claudia trying to reparent young Claudia. And I got interested in Montessori education. So I said, I need to get my Master's in Montessori. I like decided that in like one minute. I don't know how but it just was true. So I lessonly got a full scholarship at Xavier University, which is a really good Montessori training. And I was one of the staff who founded the first public Montessori school in the United States. Oh my gosh. And now here in Cincinnati, you could go to public Montessori through high school. And the big get and that's I was at the foundation of that wonderful gift to this community. And now there's public Montessori schools all over the place. Yeah. But the huge gift that came from that is my best friends. And I'm going to name names Sandy. Nancy. A Suzanne. Well, Jerry, we don't know her for Montessori, but her daughter became a Montessori teacher. Those are my family. And when my family could not understand me, and respect me, those women were my family. And the miracle is they still are. And I have that. I'm sure though I'll listen to this. And they know what we have. It's, it's the, I think some people might feel like this about their mothers, like, Who do I go to? When I really need help. And when, when Linda died, my mother said, I call my mother and I was still hoping, farmer, my mother to be like, loving to me. And I said, committed. I mean, I was like, frantic I couldn't lend a committed suicide was what I was trying to get out. And my mother said, Well, I hope you're finished with this lesbian thing now.

Scott Benner 1:06:12
Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 1 1:06:16
I call my friends. This my core group of friends, Sandy, Nancy. I said, Come over here. I can't stay. Oh, I can't stay alive through this. And they come over. And Sandy grabbed my shoulders and said, Claudia, when you need mothering, stop calling your mother. It's like, I couldn't get that I would. And that's my friend, Sandy. And she's my friend. And more whatever you call that when someone is a sister. Yeah. Lucky that now. Some of my sisters are becoming my real sisters.

Scott Benner 1:07:03
Oh, that's nice. Your family's kind of getting closer as you get older. I love it. Yeah, that's excellent. But your life, your life is a triumph. It really is like I can't I keep coming back to that word in my mind, like you just you triumphantly conquer things that I think would just stop other people. You keep going, you know? Yeah,

Speaker 1 1:07:27
I don't want to act like they didn't stop being for a long time,

Scott Benner 1:07:31
though. You were clear about it. But I mean, you're still here. And you're doing it. And you have a crystal clear attitude. And it's, it's wonderful. I mean, it's it's uplifting and hopeful.

Speaker 1 1:07:41
Yeah, I mean, now, I think, because you know, I need a kept that insulin. I feel like even if you could get well from type one, there was part of me, that said, but what if I ever need to check out? Like, what if I have to live under a bridge or I lose my feet? Or what if I can't stay? And so I thought, well, that means you can't ever get well from type one if you've got to have the story that you're getting need insulin. But now I feel like do I trust the process of life enough to trust the process of my death? Whenever that comes? Do I trust that all my needs because my my main story in my life is being amazed that all my needs are met, because I'd be out west fall of a horse broke my arm. I mean, it specially my out west adventures. I thought my needs keep being met in these odd ways by people I didn't really know. And, and so I started to believe, oh, all my needs are met. But my life is a little odd and that some people kind of know how their needs are met by their families or their husband. But I haven't done that

Scott Benner 1:09:19
people. So people have been I mean hard on you, but other people have been very kind to

Speaker 1 1:09:24
you. Oh my god, people more people have been kind extraordinarily out of their way. stunningly kind to me. And then I have a few family members who because of their own dysfunction. Want to keep talking about a child abuser in front of me. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:09:50
I think you should expect the kindness then. It sounds to me like I

Speaker 1 1:09:54
do. Yeah, not around. There are a few family members. I will not interact with

Scott Benner 1:10:00
Yeah, I mean, that's fair. Nine, nine brothers and sisters, it's gotta be a couple clunkers in there, right.

Speaker 1 1:10:08
I actually love them too, but you don't get it back from them treated respectfully. And so I've, I've said kind of generally, I'd be loved to meet with you talk about these disagreements we have. But there must be a skillful third person there. Yeah, like a therapist, because if I have the skill to resolve things with you, I would have done it right. We wouldn't be in this spot. That's very, I don't have the skill that's very mature of you.

Scott Benner 1:10:43
Did any of them take you up on it? Yes, the miracle.

Speaker 1 1:10:45
This is the miracle of my sister Gina. And she's gonna listen to this. So she'll love that I'm honoring her. But I did. I backed off from everybody. But my sister Gina and I, we did have a pretty, I thought we had a pretty good relationship. But I also have compassion for her predicament. She's a middle child. And the middle child, their goal is you bring peace to this family. So it was very hard for my sister to take sides. And I really actually needed someone to say, Mom, stop being mean to my sister, you know, I need that. But I also now I have compassion for her her innate role as a middle child. But I was in Colorado doing my horse thing. And my sister was in California. And my sister offered to drive in did drive from California to Colorado to meet me at the equine. I was starting to study equine therapy at that time. It's a wonderful way to do therapy, you include horses, instead of office furniture.

Scott Benner 1:12:11
You are not the first person to bring up equine therapy on the podcast, which

Speaker 1 1:12:16
I'm just very excited. Yeah. combined my awareness of emotions with horses, they are much more aware than we are.

Scott Benner 1:12:27
Yeah, no, it's amazing. I heard somebody explained how they take their daughter to it, I think, um, you know, you care for the horse. And then the, I guess the idea is that the horse kind of can feel how you feel. And then you can sort of you can, you can, like work on yourself by how the energy you're getting back from the horse. Is that right? Oh,

Speaker 1 1:12:46
horses do things they cannot be trained to do in response to people. Wow. That's really, you don't know? What's going to come up. And I can tell you a whole nother podcast, of course equine therapy stories. But my sister just out of her wanting to reconnect with me, she drove and her boyfriend came to, to, he supported her. Yeah. From California, to Colorado, have the session with me paying for the session, and then started back

Scott Benner 1:13:29
to California. Very nice. That's very nice.

Speaker 1 1:13:33
So we still have some unresolved stuff. But I just say, Gina, it doesn't matter what you do from here on. Yeah, just let it go. You have money in the bank with me? Because of what you did?

Scott Benner 1:13:48
Yeah. You can just let it go. Let everything go and just move forward. Right? Well, we

Speaker 1 1:13:53
don't let it go. But we both I trust that she is not. I trust that she's on my side. Yeah. And if anything comes up, it's just one of our lack of skill. And we both have skills to talk about things. So I trust I'll do whatever it takes to reconnect with Gina because she did that for me. That's beautiful. Majan what that dedication? Yeah. No,

Scott Benner 1:14:25
I can't say enough about that. Honestly. That's wonderful.

Speaker 1 1:14:29
That's Gina. Yeah. Well, Claudia, we're over time.

Scott Benner 1:14:33
So I'm going to wrap up with you. But I can't thank you enough for sharing this story with me. It was really unexpected, and I can't it's just very nice of you to share it with everybody. You're not going to be the only person who has been through some of these things. And I think it's good for people to hear other people talk about it. So that's

Speaker 1 1:14:54
what I decided in one to contribute. And I want Especially my story of how my desperation to not live brought me type one diabetes. It seemed even though it was already coming on but felt

Scott Benner 1:15:15
like the path the path that you were on taught you something every step of the way.

Speaker 1 1:15:22
Just been one amazing lesson after another. Yeah,

Scott Benner 1:15:27
you've had a hell of a life.

Speaker 1 1:15:28
I always when the people come on and they say I hate this disease, like, it's such a, you know, all the hate about diabetes. I've never hated it. Because I feel like it. It is my life style.

Scott Benner 1:15:47
Yeah, no, I mean, you can't hate who you are. If you have diabetes, it's part of you. And you know, if you're gonna hate diabetes, you're gonna end up paying yourself. So there's a lot people can take from your, your general attitude and the way you tackle things. I'm very glad you added it to the podcast. I want to thank you very much.

Speaker 1 1:16:05
Thank you for talking with me and letting me tell my

Scott Benner 1:16:10
story. That's my pleasure. It really was Hold on one second for me.

I want to thank Claudia for coming on the show today and telling us her life story. A huge thank you to one of today's sponsors, G voc glucagon, find out more about Tchibo Capo pen at G Vogue glucagon.com Ford slash juicebox. you spell that GVOKEGLUC AG o n.com. Forward slash juicebox. If you're looking for community around type one diabetes, check out the Juicebox Podcast private Facebook group Juicebox Podcast type one diabetes, but everybody is welcome. Type one type two gestational loved ones. It doesn't matter to me. If you're impacted by diabetes, and you're looking for support, comfort or community check out Juicebox Podcast type one diabetes on Facebook. Thank you so much for listening. I'll be back soon with another episode of The Juicebox Podcast. The episode you just heard was professionally edited by wrong way recording. Wrong way recording.com